Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 135: C.J. Carmichael

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of Bitter Roots. Would you read on? How does it perform? Should this author have hired an editor?

Zak Waller, dispatcher for the Lost Trail, Montana, Sheriff’s Office, expected the morning after Halloween to be busy, but he hadn’t anticipated a homicide case. The call came in early morning just after he’d made coffee.

As was often the case, he’d been the first into the office, and was still the only one here. The sheriff wasn’t what you’d call a morning person and Deputy Butterfield, who was nearing sixty, never saw the point in working if his boss wasn’t around to notice.

Usually Deputy Black was punctual, but she’d only been on the job about three months so there was still time for bad habits to develop. A former barrel racer, she’d brought her drive and competitiveness into this new career with her. Though she obviously thought she was hot stuff—she was tall, long-limbed, in great shape, and in possession of a confident smile—Zak himself hadn’t quite figured out what to make of her.

Earlier Zak had checked the messages and recorded two complaints of Halloween-style vandalism. A report of some flattened pumpkins on the front porch of the library, and, as happened every year, an egged front window for retired schoolteacher Miss Christensen. Both would have to wait.

“Can you slow down and repeat that please?” Zak said to the freaked-out nurse on the other end of the line.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This mystery earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. Where I grew up there was a saying: A miss is as good as a mile. In this case, the opening page, despite good, strong writing and voice, missed being a turner by one line.

The opening paragraph starts us off in the right direction with a call about a homicide coming in. But then the narrative wanders down a side path to set up three characters who aren’t even in the scene at this point. Particular attention, a lengthy paragraph, is spent on Deputy Black.

What’s the cost? Tension drains while we learn about Halloween pranks and a window being egged. No story questions raised after the opening paragraph. Oh, there’s the freaked-out nurse, but we don’t, by this time, have any clue as to her relationship to the story.

If we hadn’t spent two paragraphs detailing absent characters, we would have had this on the opening page:

“There’s a dead woman on the walkway.” Her voice was a little calmer this time. “I found her on my way to work. She’s been beaten. Badly. Poor, poor thing.” She gave a quiet sob before adding, “Probably been dead for hours. She’s so cold...but rigor hasn’t set in, so...”

Would I turn a page that ended there? You bet. But a miss is a miss, no matter how close it comes. Or, alternatively, close only counts in horseshoes. So, should this writer have hired an editor?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

A recent review

Here's a recent 5-star review of Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling from Amazon.

As a thirty-year subscriber to Writer's Digest and having read over fifty 'how-to' writing books, I would like to say having all or most of the information I've come across in Ray's easy-to-read book is priceless. His short chapters give better explanations of what it takes to write a compelling story than all the other feedback I've ever been given in writing critiques in the past.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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© 2017 Ray Rhamey

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1049 for Dennis—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Dennis sends the prologue and first chapter of I’m Dying Up Here. The first 17 lines of each follow, along with polls. The rest of the narrative follows the break so you can turn the page.

Prologue

Jacob Zenk had been locked down in a prison hell-hole. Now, out on early release, he sniffed at the clear, morning sky. A rattled cough shook loose a gob of bloody phlegm from deep in his chest. A hand rose from his pocket with a ball of tissue. He had always been wiry slim and hard muscled. But burned out lungs from toxic inhalation had a way of wasting a man in a hurry. The Prison drugs had only served to thin his hair, weaken his stamina and inflame his eyes with red scribbles. Death was upon him. He hadn’t slept. Couldn't sleep. Didn't want to sleep. He knew the score and he had only one purpose now. He hoped he had the strength for what needed to be done.

Zenk’s taxi delivered him to Angel of Mercy Long Term Care Center, in Saint Paul. He sat in the car for a moment and assessed the run down facility and its exterior security camera. Fuck em’, he mumbled to himself, gathered his stuff and dropped a boot on the pavement. The ‘man in black’, boots, pants, ruffled front shirt - entered the building. The oxygen tank cart he pulled, jangled as it dragged along the uneven tile floor. Photos of county officials lined the walls and cast a suspicious eye on his presence. He passed by the reception desk and went unnoticed by a woman with a bulbous, tomato face consumed with on-line shopping. Some angel, Zenk thought to himself. A dimly light hallway led him, past open doors with vegetative ghosts, grayly flat in their beds. There was a baby too, motionless in a crib. His sympathetic senses heightened. (snip)

Chapter 1

Vince Locker stood in the back of Louie’s Comedy Lounge. A well-lubricated crowd packed the house. He had survived the preliminary rounds in the Twin Cities Laugh-Off Contest. Tonight, the best comedic act would be declared the winner. He watched the show and checked his set list. As a stage performer he was aware that there were very few original ideas left, everything had already been said, thought or performed… but what kept him in the game was the rare day when a creative spark revealed itself. And right now he was desperate for combustion. He needed to set the house on fire in order to lay claim to the fifteen hundred dollar prize. Cash, he desperately needed. He tried to focus but the day’s events had him totally off balance.

--

Earlier, as Vince scrambled off to his telemarking job, already late, his phone chirped. He considered pushing the call from his ex-wife to voice mail. They shared a daughter. He clicked it in.

“Is everything alright with Claire?”

“Fine. We’re moving to Wisconsin.”

“Whoa, what are you talking about?” Her declaration landed like a gut punch.

“Got a new job, as in more money, something you’re incapable of producing and near my folks who will provide daycare for free, something you’re not supporting.”

Despite a need for some copyediting for grammatical issues, the prologue does introduce a different kind of character in a gritty but interesting way. But what is he doing? What is his mission at this place? What is his goal? More than that, what has gone wrong that he needs to deal with? The prologue doesn’t give us an idea of what the story is about. Despite that lack, because of the character I gave this an “almost.” A notion of story might get me over that line.

Typically, the prologue doesn’t appear to be related to what’s happening in the first chapter. As a reader, this always disappoints me. Why spend the time to produce a prologue, which certainly should have some relationship to the story to follow, if there is no connection that the reader can latch onto? This illustrates the notion that, indeed, prologue is not story. Many literary agents simply skip prologues because they know it’s story that sells stories, and that’s supposed to start in chapter one.

But what of story in this first chapter? We start out with a character that has a need and faces a situation in which he could fail. So far so good. We don’t know the stakes of him not getting the money he needs, which would help. But then we take a hard left and leave the story for a detour into backstory. Oh, boy, here comes the “then” of the story . . . right at a time when you were about to involve me in the “now” of the story. For me, this detour signals more wanderings away from the story to come, and it’s the story I want to read. So no go for me. My advice: don’t lead with setup, lead with story. Also, before querying agents, you need to deal with grammar issues that take a professional reader out of the story.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2018 by Dennis.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 134: Jeff Carson

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of Alive and Killing. Would you read on? How does it perform? Should this author have hired an editor?

“My dad and I used to hike up there a lot. I love it up there ...”

And there was number four.

Wolf went back to blocking out the drone of the greasy-headed underachiever in front of him and stared up at a spider web in the corner of the ceiling. It was high up, gently swaying on the breeze of the air-conditioner vent. Too high to stretch up and swipe it away, even with Wolf’s six-foot-three reach.

At least Wolf liked that about his new office. The politics? The fact that he had to be interviewing this candidate? Those were things he didn’t like about his new position, which had put him in this new office. But the ceilings? He loved the airy and light feel of the tall space.

He could probably scoot a chair underneath it and get at it. Wolf blew a puff of air out of his nose as he realized how much thought he was putting into the whole thing.

“Sheriff Wolf?”

Wolf snapped back to attention and looked at the interviewee.

He was smiling at Wolf, like he wanted in on the joke. He looked to the corner of the ceiling. “Whoa, got a doozy of a web up there. Don’t they clean this place?” He laughed too loud and sat back with one arm hooked to the back of the chair. Then he wiped his nose with a sniff and crossed his leg, displaying a smudge of dirt on the knee of his jeans. The sudden movement (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This crime novel earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. The writing and voice are strong and accomplished. We’re immediately in the experiences of a likeable character, the sheriff. But what of tension? Story questions? I don’t see any at all. If voice and solid writing are all you need to turn a first page, then this one is for you. For this reader, I wasn’t motivated. You wonder how come it garnered an average of 4.5 in reviews. There must be a story there, but this wouldn’t get me involved in it.

The blurb for this book promised a much different story than the first page does. Here’s part of it from the Amazon page:

Just for a day, Colorado Sheriff David Wolf trades slogging through murky meltwaters and even murkier small-town politics for an overnight camping trip in the wilderness with his son.

But when a man with fresh burns turns up on their trail, falling from the heavy load in his backpack and running wild from something, Wolf suspects his father-son camping trip may have just taken a turn for the worse.

Unfortunately his instincts are spot on, and Wolf is forced into action with the last person he wants by his side in a deadly battle — his only son.

Now that’s a story I’m interested in reading. So, should this writer have hired an editor?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 133: Will North

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 lines of the prologue of Too Clever by Half. Would you read on? How does it perform? Should this author have hired an editor?

Prologue

IF THE SURFACE of the English Channel off Cornwall’s Lizard Peninsula had not been as smooth and glossy as wet enamel that soft Thursday, seventeenth May, the snub-nosed beam trawler, Catherine P, would never have spotted it.

They’d pulled nets late into the night, and now the skipper, Mike Perran, was running his vessel southwest, roughly five miles east of the peninsula’s cliffs, bound for the port at Newlyn with a hold full to bursting with cuttlefish, monkfish, and gurnard from the inshore fishery off Lyme Bay. Tide was slack and his boat made good progress. Perran was young for a ship’s owner. With a sun-bleached head of curls and a face already weathered beyond his years, he’d been working the fishing grounds off Dorset, Devon, and Cornwall since he was fourteen as a hand on his father’s boat. And when, six years later, Jack Perran suddenly died of a pulmonary embolism after minor knee surgery, Mike stepped into the wheelhouse. He had just turned twenty, but his father’s crew, twice his age and more, stayed with him. It was a matter of respect for the old man. And it was a job.

The sky over the Channel was a bell of milky blue. The sun-sequined swells were so gentle it was as if the bejeweled sea were in deep sleep. Far off, toward France, a scud of clouds white as batts of sheep’s wool hung low on the horizon. It was Perran’s newest crewman, stocky and eager Ronnie James, just turned nineteen, who spied it first, alabaster white against the royal (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This crime novel earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. If strong, clear writing and voice are enough to motivate a page-turn, this page might have gotten there. However . . .

Do we need Jack Perran’s history as a fisherman? I think not. Do we think that the description of the newest crew member, stocky and eager Ronnie James, will impact the story in any way? I think not.

But what, say I, of story questions? None on the page. Should you turn the page, you will find them discovering a body floating in their nets. The sole purpose of the 573 words in this prologue was to let us know that we’re in England and that a body was discovered. IMO, it’s a waste of paper, ink, and my time. No turn here. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Flogometer 1046 for Ron—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Ron sends the first chapter of a fantasy, A Dire Onus. Here are the first 17 lines. The rest of the narrative follows the break so you can turn the page.

”The Unnamed Rune does not exist and never will. You are alone, Child of Stain. Not even The Runic Circle can help you.”

The memory of those cryptic words tormented Rucker like a maddening itch that was always there, but just beyond his reach. Even worse, the demon’s maniacal laughter echoed in his mind; a distant whispered laugh that plagued him day and night. Laughter only he could hear.

Rucker forced his thoughts elsewhere, but his effort seemed to make things worse by focusing his mind on a more immediate problem: Brogan was missing; possibly a prisoner, but more likely dead. Either way, one simple fact remained — his teacher was gone, leaving a gaping void in Rucker’s heart.

What Rucker wanted now more than anything else, was to go back home to Bieldburg; back to Lilya. They’d get married just as they always planned, and he’d stay with her forever. That’s what he longed for. However, it would have to wait.

First, he had to fulfill his promise to Brogan. He’d take Briar Wolfanger’s Hammer to the Dwarves on Blackpool Island and complete Brogan’s mission. Then he’d go home.

But right now, death stood in his way.

Rucker came to a standstill halfway across the long bridge and watched the three sellswords coming at him with drawn weapons in hand.

In my view, a story should start with what’s happening NOW in the story. Here we start with a quote from the character’s past that doesn’t even make sense to the character. Then we lapse into backstory, old promises, some kind of mission we don’t know about—all while, we later discover, three armed men are advancing with intent to kill. The character focuses on a “more immediate problem,” someone missing, maybe dead. Isn’t the more immediate problem being attacked by killers? Would you do this if you were being attacked? Or would you be dealing with the attack?

So this effort at delivering backstory and setup defuses and scatters this reader’s focus. Opening pages foreshadow the writing to come, and this is no exception. The character, even while a bloody fight commences, is ruminating about the past and other not-in-the-moment things. I suggest stripping this down to the action and then fleshing it out with the kinds of thoughts and emotions that are appropriate for the immediate scene. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2017 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Ron.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 132: Patty Jansen

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of a YA sci-fi story, Watcher’s WEb. Would you read on? How does it perform? Should this author have hired an editor?

WHEREVER JESSICA went, people watched her. Like those two teenage boys leaning on the fence, Akubra hats pulled down to shade their eyes. One of them dangled a cigarette in careless fingers; the other swigged beer from a stubby. Neither was watching her now, but she hadn’t missed their gawking, nor their voices barely elevated over the noise of bellowing cattle, shouts and truck engines.

Wow! See that really tall one?

Bloody hell, yeah.

How’d you reckon she kisses a guy? On her knees?

They laughed and, when she came closer, faced the yard to watch the cattle as if they had said nothing.

Jessica walked past them to the gate, glaring at their straw-covered backs. Well, I bloody heard you. She was used to it, anyway.

It hadn’t been the worst thing people said about her. They hadn’t said the words ugly, or creepy, or freak, but she was used to hearing those words, too.

They went into a little hard spot inside her where she scrunched up the hurt and forgot it. She might look like a freak, but when she helped John Braithwaite and his mates from the Rivervale Stud Farm at a cattle show and Angus went into one of his fits, they still needed her to (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This novel earned 3.9 stars on Amazon. If this were a regular FtQ submission by a writer, I think I’d have given this one an “almost.” I liked the character and the voice, and there is tension here. Plus the usual “I’m different/an outcast” teen angst that troubles so many YA characters.

The blurb, that you can’t see here, told me that this girl had some kind of special ability. It would have been good to hint at that here. While there is tension from the boys’ derision, there’s not much at stake here. Just a few lines later, though, there was this about dealing with the bull:

No one knew how she did it, and no one should ever know. Because no one was crazy enough to get into a pen with a stroppy bull, right?

Now that’s promising. On the other hand, there is a clarity issue earlier. The narrative about the boys has her glaring at their “straw-covered backs.” There’s an antecedent problem here—I doubt it was the boys with straw-covered backs, it was the cattle in the pens. So this writer could have had a strong, clear opening with the assistance of an editor. Ultimately, this earns a pass, though, since I did read more, I may give this one a try. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

See a "deep" edit at Writer Unboxed today

Today I do an edit today as one of the King's editors on Writer Unboxed. What would you do with the submission? Check it out here.  

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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© 2017 Ray Rhamey

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Rhamey, editor, editing, book design, book doctor, fiction craft, book doctor, Flogometer, flogging

Flog a BookBubber 131: Kory M. Shrum

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 lines of the prologue of Shadows in the Water. Would you read on? The first 17 lines of Chapter 1 follow. How does it perform? Should this author have hired an editor?

Prologue

No, no, no.” Her daughter’s hand shot out and seized Courtney’s slacks. “Don’t leave me.”

“Jesus Christ.” She tugged her pants from Louie’s dripping grip and shoved her back into the tub by her shoulders. “What is it with you and water? It isn’t going to kill you. You won’t drown! And I have to finish dinner before your father gets home.”

Louie’s chest collapsed with sobs. “Please. Please don’t go.”

“Stop crying. You’re too old to be crying like this.”

Louie recoiled like a kicked dog, her body hunching into a C-curve.

God almighty, Courtney thought as shame flooded her. What am I supposed to do with her?

The illogical nature of your daughter’s fear doesn’t negate the fact her fear is very real, the therapist had said. Dr. Loveless must have repeated this a hundred times, but it didn’t make these episodes any easier. The fat-knuckled know-it-all had never been present for bath time.

Most ten-year-old girls could bathe on their own. No handholding. No hysterics. No goddamn therapy sessions once a week. And somehow this was supposed to be her fault? Why exactly? Because she’d gotten pregnant at eighteen?

No. She did everything right. She married Jack, despite her reservations. He was too (snip)

Chapter 1

Lou unfolded the tourist map and eyed a man over the rim of the creased paper. A boxy man with a crooked nose and a single bushy brow stood on the harbor dock, smoking a cigarette. He draped an arm around a woman’s shoulder while he joked with another guy twice his size, a hairy bear as wide as he was tall. The woman was a little more than a caricature to Lou. Big hair and a big mouth, made bigger by the annoying smack of bubblegum between her magenta lips. Her clothes were too tight in some places and nonexistent in others. A Jersey girl, Aunt Lucy would’ve called her.

Lou scowled at the tourist map, pretending to read about the seaport’s attractions, and wondered if the girl under Angelo Martinelli’s arm would feel half as cozy if she knew what a monster he was.

If Bubblegum Barbie was observant, she might have noticed Martinelli’s penchant for leather, Dunhill cigarettes, and pointy shoes. Maybe Barbie even suspected the Martinelli family was responsible for fueling the heroin problem in Baltimore. Hell, she probably tolerated this aftershave-soaked prick for the heroin.

Whatever Barbie thought she knew of the Italian draped over her, Lou knew a hell of a lot more.

She should. She’d been hunting Angelo since she was fourteen.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This thriller earned 4.8 stars on Amazon. I thought it would be interesting in contrasting the openings of the prologue and the first chapter, partly because prologues often don’t work. One thing that does work is the writing—it’s nicely professional, nothing to pick at there.

Some good things about the prologue: it’s a strong scene, and conflict is right there. Story questions are raised—why is the child so terrified? What will the mother do? A not-so-good thing about the prologue: the mother seems to be a terrible person, and we’re in her point of view. Personally, I didn’t want to spend any more time in her company, especially after the narrative leaves what’s happening to detour into backstory.

The first chapter also starts up with an immediate scene, a good thing. The character isn’t cuddly—in fact, she’s a bit on the harsh side. But she is up to something. And then the author lands a strong hook right in the last line of the page—she’s been hunting the monster since she was a child. Now that raises some story questions. For me, this book would be better served by starting with the first chapter.

On the other hand, if you do read the prologue, it becomes very dramatic and does give you some amazing background on the girl, Lou, that does impact your understanding of what’s going on in chapter 1. Perhaps the best course would be to start the prologue much later, when the girl disappears and the mother reacts the way you’d want her to. The end of the prologue was compelling, but will readers get there? What do you think?

So, should this writer have hired an editor?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

http://bit.ly/2tyVxwi

Caution: a bestseller may not be a good role model for your writing

I recently did a critique for a good writer and in our correspondence she mentioned that she had been studying the first few sentences from a number of Stephen King novels to see how he did it, and then she emulated what she’d seen. The result was an opening that I immediately nixed--luckily, everything after that was quite good.

Therein lies the danger of looking to bestsellers for examples of how to write a strong narrative, and Stephen King provides an excellent example.

If you follow my Flog a Pro series on Writer Unboxed, last October I flogged the opening page from Sleeping Beauties, a bestselling novel written by Stephen King and his son, Owen. Here’s the opening page:

Ree asked Jeanette if she ever watched the square of light from the window. Jeanette said she didn’t. Ree was in the top bunk, Jeanette in the bottom. They were both waiting for the cells to unlock for breakfast. It was another morning.

It seemed that Jeanette’s cellmate had made a study of the square. Ree explained that the square started on the wall opposite the window, slid down, down, down, then slopped over the surface of their desk, and finally made it out onto the floor. As Jeanette could now see, it was right there in the middle of the floor, bright as anything.

“Ree,” Jeanette said. “I just can’t be bothered with a square of light.”

“I say you can’t not be bothered by a square of light!” Ree made the honking noise that was how she expressed amusement.

Jeanette said, “Okay. Whatever the fuck that means,” and her cellmate just honked some more.

Ree was okay, but she was like a toddler, how silence made her anxious. Ree was in for credit fraud, forgery, and drug possession with intent to sell. She hadn’t been much good at any of them, which had brought her here.

Jeanette was in for manslaughter; on a winter night in 2005 she had stabbed her husband, Damian, in the groin with a clutchhead screwdriver and because he was high he’d just sat in an (snip)

And here are the poll results by readers of Writer Unboxed.

The following month, I followed up with the opening page of King’s first bestselling novel, Carrie.

RAIN OF STONES REPORTED

It was reliably reported by several persons that a rain of stones fell from a clear blue sky on Carlin Street in the town of Chamberlain on August 17th. The stones fell principally on the home of Mrs. Margaret White, damaging the roof extensively and ruining two gutters and a downspout valued at approximately $25. Mrs. White, a widow, lives with her three-year-old daughter, Carietta.

Mrs. White could not be reached for comment.

Nobody was really surprised when it happened, not really, not at the subconscious level where savage things grow. On the surface, all the girls in the shower room were shocked, thrilled, ashamed, or simply glad that the White bitch had taken it in the mouth again. Some of them might also have claimed surprise, but of course their claim was untrue. Carrie had been going to school with some of them since the first grade, and this had been building since that time, building slowly and immutably, in accordance with all the laws that govern human nature, building with all the steadiness of a chain reaction approaching critical mass.

What none of them knew, of course, was that Carrie White was telekinetic.

And the poll results.

In the Flog a Pro series over several years, the first pages of bestseller novels have been rejected by readers about 70% of the time. Many times it’s not a case of the author being unable to write a compelling opening, it’s a case of the author not applying their storytelling talent in the same rigorous way they did when they got started. Once a star, sheer inertia can move a book onto the bestseller list . . . for a time, anyway.

The rest of us have to create that movement with gripping, compelling openings, which are in short supply on the bestseller list.

Enough said?

Ray

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© 2017 Ray Rhamey

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.