Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Jack sends the first chapter of The Secret of the Old Clock, a YA mystery in the vein of Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys. Here are the first 17 lines. The rest of the narrative follows the break so you can turn the page.
The war-torn boulevard was littered with wrecked and burning cars, the perfect place for an ambush. Kalani peered over the hood of the charred Hummer sitting crossways in the middle of the street where he had taken cover. He didn’t see any sign of the enemy hunting him. He scanned the tops of the buildings looking for snipers. It would be just like them to post someone up there where I wouldn’t expect them when there are so many more places to hide down here at street level. He didn’t see anything suspicious, but a nagging feeling that something was wrong kept bothering him.
Turning to his brother kneeling next to him, he whispered, “Tristen, cover me while I run to that wrecked Toyota on the curb on the right. I’m going to try to get them in a crossfire.” Tristen nodded his head in agreement, got to his feet, and sighted his rifle over the Hummer’s hood. Kalani moved left to the rear of the Hummer and stopped, careful to stay concealed behind the vehicle’s protective bulk.
Slowly and carefully he scanned the empty doors and windows of the buildings on the left side of the boulevard, on the opposite side of the street he was about to run to. He didn’t want a surprise attack from behind him when he darted for his new position.
Well, this scene certainly starts out with action and the promise of jeopardy. The narrative could be crisper, as you’ll see in the quick edit below. Still, there seems to be a likeable protagonist who is going into action that could get him shot. On the face of it, this scene would earn a page-turn from me.
Spoiler alert: the scene turns out to be the protagonist playing a video game with his brother and a friend. It has no relationship or effect on the plot. I think this is somewhat like opening a story with a dream—unless it matters to story, what’s it doing here?
Jack, it sounds like you have an interesting story to tell, but most of this chapter was setup and some backstory. You don’t get to things that relate to the mystery story until the end. In my view, the game opening and then the pages of exposition will disappoint your readers and, ultimately, lose them. You need to start much closer to something going wrong and introduce your characters and world while we follow that story.
Editorial notes:
The war-torn boulevard was littered with wrecked and burning cars, the perfect place for an ambush. Kalani peered over the hood of the charred Hummer sitting crossways in the middle of the street where he had taken cover. He didn’t see any sign of the enemy hunting him. He scanned the tops of the buildings looking for snipers. It would be just like them to post someone up there where I wouldn’t expect them when there are so many more places to hide down here at street level. He didn’t see anything suspicious, but a nagging feeling that something was wrong kept bothering him. The "I" was a switch from 3rd person pov to 1st person pov.
Turning to his brother kneeling next to him, he whispered, “Tristen, cCover me while I run to that wrecked Toyota on the curb on the right. I’m going to try to get them in a crossfire.” Tristen nodded his head in agreement, got to his feet, and sighted his rifle over the Hummer’s hood. Kalani moved left to the rear of the Hummer and stopped, careful to stay concealed behind the vehicle’s protective bulk. He wouldn't use his brother's name in this situation.
Slowly and carefully he scanned He studied the empty doors and windows of the buildings on the left side of the boulevard, on the opposite side of across from the street he was about to run to. He didn’t want a surprise attack from behind him when he darted for his new position.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2017 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Christine.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.