Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of Rippler, the first in a trilogy of YA fantasy, The Ripple Trilogy. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?
The screaming was the first clue that I’d turned invisible again. Above the steady roar of the river, my teammates shouted: some with paddles flailing, others frozen mid–stroke. I’d never disappeared in front of anyone. Before this, I hadn’t even known if it was real or if I was losing my grip on sanity. But now, surrounded by people who looked terrified, I knew it was real.
Which didn’t exactly comfort me.
It wasn’t until I heard Gwyn shouting about me drowning that I realized no one had actually seen me turn invisible. For a heartbeat, I felt relief—it wasn’t real after all! But then I realized that the fact that people were staring straight at my position, aft, on the back of the raft, and not seeing me confirmed what I feared. My body had vanished.
And now I had an additional problem. If I came solid right now, someone would definitely see it happen. So did I want screaming because I’d drowned or screaming because I’d materialized out of thin air? Did I even know for sure how to get back inside my body?
“Calm down and look for anything orange,” shouted Coach. “That’ll be her helmet or her PFD.”
“Her life vest will save her, right?” Gwyn asked.
“Not from entrapment,” said Will. “We should get to shore. I’ll hold the raft and you can send teams up and down the river to spot her in case she’s trapped.”
You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
This series averaged 4.4 stars on Amazon. I enjoy YA fiction, and when I saw that the author is a fellow Oregonian, I had to take a look, and a trilogy for free is a bargain -- if the writing holds up.
The opening line has a strong hook, and the voice is likeable, the writing solid. We jump into a scene in media res: things are going on, and the protagonist has just has something go quite wrong. Even better, her problem—invisibility—is a unique problem. And her problem is complicated because she’s not sure she can reverse her invisibility. Lots of good story questions. The jeopardy is not physical dangerous, but the social consequences are serious, especially for a teen.
I do have some editorial notes, though. First off, we’re told that she becomes invisible, and then that her body has vanished. I think those are different things. A body that is invisible is simply not seen, but a body that vanishes isn’t there anymore. Becoming solid suggests that she is no longer solid, not just invisible. So there’s some confusion about what invisibility really means here. If she’s solid but not visible, someone could touch her and she can affect the world around her. If she’s not solid, the reverse is true. It needs to be one or the other.
Other little nitpicks: instead of “came solid,” I think it should be “became solid.” Still, I’d turn the page to see what happens next. Your thoughts?
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.