In The Accidental Dictionary by Paul Anthony Jones you'll find tidbits such as:
“Clumsy” once meant “numb with cold.” “Hallucinate” once meant “deceive,” and “prestigious” once meant “deceitful.” “Queen” once meant “wife.”
More:
. . . a cupboard was originally a table, and that pink was originally yellow (and in that sense probably derives from pinkeln, an old German dialect word meaning “to urinate”).
Makes you wonder--what if every word in your story changed meaning over time?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of Wanna Get Lucky?, the first of two novels in this set. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?
AS HER final act on this earth, Lyda Sue Stalnaker plummeted out of a Las Vegas helicopter and landed smack in the middle of the pirates’ lagoon in front of the Treasure Island Hotel, disrupting the 8: 30 p.m. pirate show.
The video ran as the lead-in for the 11: 00 p.m. news. I caught it on a television in the sports bar. Actually, it was amazing I caught it at all. My name is Lucky O’Toole, and I am the chief problem solver at the Babylon, the newest, most over-the-top mega-casino/ resort on the Las Vegas Strip. I’d been fighting my way through the crowds packing the casino on my way to Stairwell Fifteen to deal with a naked man asleep under the stairs, when I caught the television feed out of the corner of my eye.
A grainy video of a helicopter with the Babylon’s script logo painted on the side appeared on the screen with a small headshot of Lyda Sue in the corner— it was Lyda Sue’s sweet smile that actually captured my attention. I leaned over the backs of two guys playing video poker at the bar, a sinking feeling in my stomach. In Vegas, nobody gets their picture on the news unless they’ve committed some grisly crime or have been a victim of one themselves.
Of course, I couldn’t hear what the talking heads on the television were saying. The clamor of excited voices from the casino combined with the pinging from the video machines and the piped-in music to create a cacophony of excitement that made it not only impossible to (snip)
This crime novel earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. It surely does start with a strong hook, a woman falling (pushed?) out of a helicopter. The scene is well set—we know when and where the now of the story is. And the character quickly and cleanly lets us know who and what she is. And she’s an empathetic character, shown by her reaction to the victim’s smile. She’s a caring person. The writing and voice are professional in quality.
I think I would eliminate the paragraph about the talking heads—this is description that doesn’t move the story. The paragraph that follows about seeing the video run again contributes a whole lot more to creating tension. Since this is crime fiction, we don’t expect trouble for the protagonist yet, but there is clearly a victim and something that needs to be solved. Good story questions: was she pushed? If so, why? If so, who did it? If so, will he/she kill again? If so, will Lucky find him/her? I turned the page. And, nicely, if this works out there's a second novel to enjoy, all for free. Your thoughts?
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Rick sends the prologue and first chapter of Handprints. Here are the first 17 lines of the prologue, followed by a poll, followed by the first chapter, followed by a poll. The rest of the narrative after the prologue first page follows the break so you can turn the page.
Prologue
On a high, gently rolling plateau in northern Canada, where blizzards sweeping down from unnamed mountains drop two feet of snow overnight, little grows above the tree line. But a few plant species have adapted superbly on the gale swept ridges. White dyras with tiny cream coloured petals take shelter on rough talus slopes. And wiry bluebells with bell shaped flowers withstand even the most violent gales.
Further down the mountain in the cool sub-alpine forest dwarf blueberry bushes thrive from July through September. Sweet clumps of these edible blueberries were what the sow black bear was searching for when she emerged from a stand of Mountain Hemlock at the edge of an alpine meadow. In the rock-strewn open country, free from danger, the black bear and her two cubs had grazed continuously. But here on the lower slopes she stopped, raised her muzzle and tested a shift in the breeze. This was her instinctive way of sensing if the meadow was safe. Satisfied, she was about to take her first step onto the spongy grasses when a subtle shift in the wind buffeting the edge of the meadow brought something putrid to her senses. She froze. The smell of rotten meat usually signalled a meal. But there was something else on the wind. A sound. To human ears the sharp metallic click might have been the door of a pickup truck closing or a boot step dislodging a flurry of stones down a scree slope. But to a sow black bear with cubs the sound was unknown and an instant cause for alarm. She had good reason to be concerned.
Chapter 1
Surging down Gore Avenue, wildlife officer, Andrew Conners knew life on Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside didn’t get any worse than what went on inside the Ah Sun Hotel. Back in his small wood paneled office he had glared at the inventoried photograph of the poached black bear and the two foot long ruby coloured knife cut slicing upwards through the bear’s abdomen. Fear consumed him. There was only one man capable of that kind of atrocity. The same man that ruined his life. Leaning backwards, Conners kneed the front door open and almost fell into the lobby. The spring loaded door clanged shut behind him.
The keynote speech Conners delivered to hunting guides, big game outfitters and wildlife traders about the imminent threat from poaching had fallen on deaf ears.
“Beware,” the two well-dressed Asians warned. “We don’t have many black bears left. You do and we’re going to come here looking for them.”
If poaching interests in Seoul gain control of the pipeline for black bear gall bladders from Vancouver before China takes over Hong Kong an entire species will be lost.
Conners had crossed the floor of his office and gripped a piece of paper from the top of a filing cabinet. He drew his finger down the sheet until he saw the name of the Skid Row hotel where the dealers lived and sank back down at his desk. Running his fingers tiredly through his chestnut brown hair Conner’s eyes fell back on the photograph of the mutilated bear. There was (snip)
There was engaging description in the opening of the prologue, giving a nice feel of the natural environment. But is this a compelling scene? It feels more like a non-fiction report than a dramatic narrative—we’re being told a lot, not shown. And there was a glitch in the description—at one point, it suggests that a boot step dislodging stones would produce a metallic click, and I don’t see how that’s accurate. For my money, the scene would have been much more powerful if it had been told from within the bear’s point of view. They are intelligent creatures, and there’s no reason to think that they don’t have emotions as well as coherent thoughts about what’s going on in the environment. While there is a hint of a story question when we’re told that the bear has cause for concern, it wasn’t enough for me. I gave this an almost, and would encourage taking a look at how it plays from the bear’s pov.
As for the chapter opening, there were narrative issues that slowed and stopped me. It jumps between the present and the past, and the part about a keynote speech, with no context, seemed like a non sequitur in the action. After that, we hop to the past and then back to the present. The scene, as written, has little flow to it. Nor is there a clear story question. Yes, it’s about bear poaching, and we just left a narrative about a bear being poached, but what is the story about here? I didn’t see that. The narrative needs to be altogether in the NOW of the story, not flipping back and forth. While there is interesting stuff here, and the topic is a new one to me and meaningful, especially to the writer, that alone wasn’t enough. A no vote here. Your thoughts?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of Justice Calling. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?
Life-changing moments are sneaky little bastards. Often we don’t even know that nothing will ever be the same until long after, and only in hindsight can we look and say, “There! That was it! That changed everything.”
Well, at least we could, if we’re alive to do it.
For me, it was just another Thursday evening on a blustery spring day. I was finishing up a Japanese-to-English translation job and only somewhat pretending to mind the register in my comic and game shop. That’s the benefit of being the owner, I suppose. No one was going to tell me to be cheerful and pay attention to customers.
There weren’t any, anyway. Thursday nights are game night and we close early. I hadn’t flipped the sign yet as I was waiting on Harper, my best friend of the last four years, to stop swearing at her game of StarCraft.
“No amount of Banelings in the world are going to save you here,” I said, glancing over at her screen.
“Marines are overpowered,” she growled.
“Sure,” I said, trying not to laugh. It was an old gripe. Whatever race her opponent played in the game was always OP, according to the logic of Harper. “Maybe you should play with a mouse instead of just your trackpad?”
This paranormal story earned 4.1 stars on Amazon. I’m a sucker for fantasy and a sassy female protagonist, so I thought I’d give this a look. I found the voice engaging and the writing clean. The opening paragraph makes an attempt to foreshadow something significant coming up, but then the narrative abandons all efforts at creating suspense to go into setup flavored with a little backstory. Story questions? What is the unidentified life-changing moment? Not good enough. Stakes/consequences of said moment? None identified. Something goes wrong for the protagonist? No. A problem that needs to be dealt with? None.
Submissions to FtQ and to the workshops I teach bring manuscripts with all kinds of formatting in terms of spacing, fonts, etc. While I’m fine with writers using whatever font and formatting they want for their personal use, writers should also know how to format a manuscript they’re sending to an agent or an editor.
Be smart about it
The format described below is the one that agents and editors will most likely be most comfortable with, so it’s smart to see how your narrative reads on the page when formatted in a standard way. Caveat: if an agent or publisher specifies a format, use that. Here’s a guide on how to format your manuscript:
The Basic Format for a Manuscript
Double-spaced
Paragraph first lines are indented ½”. Don’t use tabs for the paragraph indents, use the formatting features in your word processor to set up automatic paragraph indents. When I design a book, I often have to delete all the tabs in a manuscript.
No extra space or spacing between paragraphs.
Margins: 1” on all sides
Font: a serif font such as Times New Roman.
Recommended font: Times New Roman. It’s the one specified by many publishers and agents, and it has a benefit for writers: the font was designed for the narrow space of newspaper columns, and as a result is a little on the condensed side. This means that a writer gets more words on a page than with many other fonts, a key issue in dealing with hooking a reader with the first page.
How to Set Up Your Format in Word
You should be able to do something similar in other word processors such as Open Office.
Page setup
Click on the page layout tab in the ribbon. Then click the small arrow in the bottom right corner.
You should get the following dialogue boxes for Page Setup:
Margins tab: the default settings should be what you need.
Paper tab: The default is set for the U.S. Under the Paper tab are options such as A4 for European use (Britain, Australia, others).
Layout tab: leave the default settings as they are.
Paragraph setup
On the Home tab, click on Paragraph (the little arrow at the bottom right).
In the window that pops up, do these settings (as shown below):
General
Alignment: Left
Outline level: use the default
Indentation
Left and Right, 0”
Special: First line
By: 0.5”
Spacing
Before and after 0 pt
Line spacing: double
Click Ok and you’re done.
Spacing between Sentences
One more tip: these days the typography standard is one space between sentences. I was trained to type two spaces, but have retrained myself to put only one. You will look a little dated if you submit with two spaces between sentences—I can see the difference immediately. And I do a Replace to replace all two-spaces with one space.
Creating New Pages for Chapters
Don’t hit the enter key over and over to space down to begin a new page. Instead, type Ctrl/Enter. This inserts a page break and you’ll be on a new page.
You rarely see a raised eyebrow in real life, but in fiction they are rising, knitting, and furrowing everywhere, or at least if you’re looking at truly crappy novels and stories.
Crappy?
And this:
In novels, eyebrows do all kinds of things. Most commonly they “rise.” Sometimes a single eyebrow rises all by itself, but often both eyebrows rise in unison. Slightly more creative writers make the eyebrows “knit” or “furrow” or “hike” or “tighten” or “pinch” or “wiggle”—or any other verb that might describe a mobile eyebrow (or two).
To support her thesis, she reports observing her friends and co-workers and says that nobody raises an eyebrows in real life.
Sounds to me like she has a lot of deadpan friends.
Then she watched faces in movies and found, again, no raised eyebrows.
But I don’t think that whether or not people in life or actors raise their eyebrows is germane. She points out that people move their faces in all sorts of ways to express emotion. So true. And, since we’re observing those faces, we can get the communication of emotion, of what’s going on in that person.
But in fiction we’re not seeing a face do anything. But we do know what raising eyebrows means, and including a brow raise enables us to both see a face in action but to also understand something of what the character is thinking/feeling.
So I’m going to lower my eyebrows into a glower and disagree with this writer’s notion.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of A Perfect Grave. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?
For Sister Anne, death was always near.
But tonight, it felt closer and she didn’t know why.
Tonight was like any other in the Compassionate Heart of Mercy Shelter at the fringe of Seattle’s Pioneer Square District, where she was offering tomato soup to those who had lost hope. Their pasts haunted their faces. The pain of their lives stained their bodies with lesions, needle tracks, and prison tattoos.
Moving along the rows of plastic-covered bingo tables, Sister Anne saw how her “guests” occasionally looked up from their meals to the finger paintings on the basement walls, pictures taped there by the children of the shelter’s day care program. Portraits of happy families holding hands under sunny skies and rainbows.
No dark clouds. No frowns. No tears.
Glimpses of heaven.
She was moved by the juxtaposition of the dreamy images and the cold realities of these unfortunate souls, handcuffed to mistakes, tragedies, and addictions, searching the artwork of inner-city children for answers.
Silent cries for help.
Offering help was Sister Anne’s job. Her mission was to rescue broken people. To give (snip)
This mystery earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. Another good writer with a pro voice starts this novel out with strong foreshadowing in the first two paragraphs. I felt pretty sure that the good sister was headed for being murdered. But is that suggestion enough for a page-turn?
The narrative moves into setting and an introduction of the character. All good, and the character is sympathetic, but for this reader the tension created by the opening dwindled rapidly. On the other hand, the writing is promising. For me, the combination of the strong story question implied at the beginning combined with high-caliber writing was enough to earn a turn of the page . . . but only if he delivers soon. Your thoughts?
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Dennis sends the first chapter of Crossroads. Here are the first 17 lines. The rest of the chapter follows the break so you can turn the page.
The annunciator played a soft rising tone: Mother in two minutes. Always gave advance notice, time to consider one’s failures. Said it was a courtesy.
Zafira sighed, shifted her webbed wings, and pulled the covers closer in the darkness. She should get up, make herself presentable. Mother was replacing Mistress today.
Light filtered through her eyelids: the wall behind her had opened. She didn’t move.
“Zafira,” Mother said quietly, “please get up. Your new teacher is here.”
Zafira folded her wings, rolled over, and sat up, sliding her legs off the bed. As the ceiling brightened, she watched half the covers slip to the floor, covering her bare feet.
“Sleeping in your underwear again? Would you like a new nightshirt?”
Changing wasn’t worth the effort. A nightshirt wouldn’t help her sleep.
“Say something, dear.”
“Good morning, Mother.”
“Good afternoon. Look, here’s your new teacher.”
She looked. In the opening with Mother stood a small, older woman— the replacement, studying her. Studying Mother, too— she dared? It wouldn’t end well.
“Say hello to her,” Mother said.
It’s always a pleasure to see strong writing and a distinct, likeable voice. The scene is pretty well set (though I would like to know what the “opening” in the wall looks like—a rectangular doorway, a circular portal, what?). The character is sympathetic and, having wings, definitely interesting. This could be a fascinating world.
But what of tension? What happens here? A girl/young woman is awakened by the arrival of her mother and a new teacher. She has a few grumpy thoughts, but that’s about it. Is there even a hint of a problem here? A story question raised? Not that I could see. Strong writing and voice go a long way to earning a page turn, but for me that’s not enough. In my view, after reading the first page I should be wanting to know what happens next, but here there’s no clue to much of anything happening next.
I liked this writing. But, as I see it, it is well-done setup. The only story question generated by the end of the chapter is whether or not the girl will be able to fly, but there are no threatening consequences if she fails. If I were editing this novel, I’d be looking for a later place to start the story and then weave in whatever from this is necessary. I would also point out the head-hopping that occurs, the narrative bouncing from the minds of the girl, the teacher, and the mother. It would be fun to see what this writer would do with the objective to insert tension into the story.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of A Closet Full of Bones. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?
She had the dump site picked out before she’d made up her mind to kill him. Not that she’d ever admit it aloud, but if she was honest with herself, the idea of his death began squirming like a night crawler in the back of her mind the moment he’d crossed her invisible but inflexible lines of impropriety.
An imperious pre-dawn text. Such a small thing to become a death sentence.
Such a small thing to most people. A pebble in a shoe. A minor nuisance, best forgotten. But it wasn’t the only pebble, and it wasn’t forgotten, and she wasn’t most people. Involving her had been Travis Freeman’s biggest mistake.
The text came early enough to wake her from a paralyzing sleep, the type that always followed one of her savage, day-long migraines. Though the master bedroom was darkened by heavy blinds and drapes, she knew by the weight of her limbs that it must still be nighttime. She’d been dreaming of red wine, dark chocolate, and a man without a face, but this slipped away, the pleasant blur marred by electric rattling; hard plastic against oak and brass, the phone vibrated against the lamp’s metal base. Her hand shot out from under the pillow and fumbled for it, yanking it off its charger. Assuming it had to be an emergency of one sort or another, she felt for her glasses, knocking them off the nightstand, and they went skittering under the bed. She squinted at the phone’s bright backlight and tried to read the text through blurry eyes, cursing her (snip)
This novel earned 4.7 stars on Amazon. Strong writing and a professional voice start us out well, and the opening paragraph introduces a strong story-question hook. So far, so good.
But then, in the fourth paragraph, we wander into overwriting—excessive detail about how she answers the phone—feeling for her glasses, glasses skittering under the bed, her squinting at the phone, etc. Who cares? And it doesn’t affect the story. We just don’t need this at this point. Get on with the story because your writing suggests it will be good—but your overwriting suggests it will be a trudge at times. I may venture a little further, but my vote is for some editorial help with the overwriting. Your thoughts?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of Rippler, the first in a trilogy of YA fantasy, The Ripple Trilogy. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?
The screaming was the first clue that I’d turned invisible again. Above the steady roar of the river, my teammates shouted: some with paddles flailing, others frozen mid–stroke. I’d never disappeared in front of anyone. Before this, I hadn’t even known if it was real or if I was losing my grip on sanity. But now, surrounded by people who looked terrified, I knew it was real.
Which didn’t exactly comfort me.
It wasn’t until I heard Gwyn shouting about me drowning that I realized no one had actually seen me turn invisible. For a heartbeat, I felt relief—it wasn’t real after all! But then I realized that the fact that people were staring straight at my position, aft, on the back of the raft, and not seeing me confirmed what I feared. My body had vanished.
And now I had an additional problem. If I came solid right now, someone would definitely see it happen. So did I want screaming because I’d drowned or screaming because I’d materialized out of thin air? Did I even know for sure how to get back inside my body?
“Calm down and look for anything orange,” shouted Coach. “That’ll be her helmet or her PFD.”
“Her life vest will save her, right?” Gwyn asked.
“Not from entrapment,” said Will. “We should get to shore. I’ll hold the raft and you can send teams up and down the river to spot her in case she’s trapped.”
This series averaged 4.4 stars on Amazon. I enjoy YA fiction, and when I saw that the author is a fellow Oregonian, I had to take a look, and a trilogy for free is a bargain -- if the writing holds up.
The opening line has a strong hook, and the voice is likeable, the writing solid. We jump into a scene in media res: things are going on, and the protagonist has just has something go quite wrong. Even better, her problem—invisibility—is a unique problem. And her problem is complicated because she’s not sure she can reverse her invisibility. Lots of good story questions. The jeopardy is not physical dangerous, but the social consequences are serious, especially for a teen.
I do have some editorial notes, though. First off, we’re told that she becomes invisible, and then that her body has vanished. I think those are different things. A body that is invisible is simply not seen, but a body that vanishes isn’t there anymore. Becoming solid suggests that she is no longer solid, not just invisible. So there’s some confusion about what invisibility really means here. If she’s solid but not visible, someone could touch her and she can affect the world around her. If she’s not solid, the reverse is true. It needs to be one or the other.
Other little nitpicks: instead of “came solid,” I think it should be “became solid.” Still, I’d turn the page to see what happens next. Your thoughts?