Flogging the Quill

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Flogometer 1041 for Jody—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Jody sends the first chapter of The Harvard Edge. Here are the first 17 lines. The rest of the chapter follows the break so you can turn the page.

The warning came in an email.

Your grade point has fallen to 2.0. As a student at Harvard University, admitted on an athletic scholarship (Women’s Crew), you must maintain a 2.5 average to continue receiving scholarship status. Please see your advisor immediately.

It was the night before the final for Introductory Economics. The narrow, small-paned Gothic windows of Jocelyn’s room hung open, and sounds of spring on Harvard’s campus were riotous. Music blared from every corner of the quad, shouts and hoots of laughter, a piercing whistle, and, rising above it all, a cry of joy that carried into her room where she sat on her bed, cross-legged, hunched over the laptop.

Exhaustion from training on the Charles River every morning pulsed through her body like a jab of electric current. Her muscles twitched and ached. Something trembled deep in her chest. She stared at her thick hands, taped fingers like sausages, broken fingernails and peeling skin.

Jocelyn had barely passed the Econ midterm, and now that spring training demanded endless hours, she was even further behind. It was hopeless, and she knew it. The first in her family to attend college, much less Harvard, the very real possibility of flunking out struck her as both impossible and utterly horrifying.

Good writing, strong voice start us out nicely. The scene is set, and we meet a character who is in trouble, and her dedication to her sport makes her sympathetic. But what of tension?

In terms of story questions, we have this: will she flunk out? But that’s not an immediate consequence—it takes time to flunk out, and there are things a student can do to avoid that. And what are the consequences of failing? Disappointment for her family and herself? People can survive that kind of thing. Much of this page is backstory and setup, and not much is actually happening. In other words, I didn’t find the opening compelling as it is.

But on the very next page was what I think would be a strong opening. Without modification, here it is. A new poll follows.

Jocelyn was never sure, even years later, how he’d seen her cheat on the final. She’d written formulas and notes on tiny pieces of index cards, and had them taped to the insides of her palms, easily hidden because of the taping used on her damaged hands. The proctoring grad student, glued to his front desk, barely glanced at any of them during the entire three hour exam. She knew this because her gaze constantly rose to find him, terrified he’d discover what she was doing.

Yet Andrew Hyde definitely noticed. After the exams were collected, and they were shuffling out of the surprisingly dingy classroom, given it was Harvard, he’d spoken.

“You, the girl with long red hair, wait a minute.”

She could remember the feeling of heat rushing to fill her pale white cheeks and the powerful thump of her heart.

When the room had emptied and they were alone, he stared at her with a face of stone. “You cheated.”

Jocelyn went still, overwhelmed with fear. What should she say? Deny it? The evidence was in her jeans pockets, but she didn’t know if he had the right to ask her to empty those pockets. Her blood pulsed with dread, and a terrible nausea flooded her mouth with saliva.

“I know, and you know.” Andrew rose from behind the desk and moved with languid (anip)

This could be a little tighter to be an opening page—for example, from a pov point of view, she would not be thinking of her “pale white” cheeks in that way, and the dinginess of the classroom doesn’t matter to the story. But, for me, there is definitely tension here and a strong “what happens next” story question. What did you think?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2017 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2017 by Jody.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 119: J.A. Konrath

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of Bloody Mary. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?

It would be so easy to kill you while you sleep.”

He rolls onto his side and faces his wife, tangling his fingers in her hair. Her face is shrouded in a dried blue mask; an antiaging beauty product that has begun to peel. The moonlight peeking through the bedroom curtains makes her look already dead.

He wonders if other people look at their partners at night, peacefully dozing, and imagine killing them.

“I have a knife.” He brushes his fingertips along her hairline. “I keep it under the bed.”

Her lips part and she snores softly.

So ugly, especially for a model. All capped teeth and streaked hair.

He wedges his hand between the mattress and box spring and pulls out the knife. It has a large wooden handle, disproportionate to the thin, finely honed blade. A fillet knife.

He places it against his wife’s neck, gently.

His vision blurs. The pain in his head ignites, a screw twisting into his temple. It tightens with every heartbeat.

Too many headaches in too many days. He should, will, tell the doctor. The six aspirin he took an hour ago haven’t helped.

Only one thing helps when the pain gets this bad.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This mystery averaged 4.3 stars on Amazon. I’ve known about J.A. Konrath for some time, but haven’t read him, so I like having a free taste. He’s a very successful author, too, so it’s a good chance to read a pro for free.

As an editor, there’s nothing I would change about this first page. The writing is professional, and the voice crisp and promises more good writing. I like the short sentences for a snappy pace that takes me right in. Even though we’re in the mind of what seems like a bad guy, the “what will happen next” story question is strong. Will he use that knife? Sure sounds like it, doesn’t it? I plan on turning even more pages in this one. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 118: J.A. Schneider

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of Her Last Breath. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?

Mari Gill’s hand felt sticky.

That was the first thing to trouble her, still clinging to the safe, solid darkness of sleep. Next came pain in her head, a different kind of pain from the other thing, so she squeezed her eyes shut, dreading the day…

…but the stickiness bothered.

Involuntarily, she felt her fingers open and close.

Something was wrong there, in her hand. She squinted open; peered at it.

Red.

Her palm was smeared dark red.

She blinked. Saw more red smear on her forearm, then the torn cap sleeve of last night’s black dress, then the sheet under her arm, stained with…

“Huh?” Her eyes grew wide before her mind processed it.

Thrashing onto her back, Mari saw bloodied sheet reaching halfway up the torn front of her dress, and then saw an arm. A man’s arm, faintly blue and blood-smeared – and with a cry her whole body practically flipped from the bed. “Oh God!”

She hit the floor hard and then scrabbled back up, gaped wildly and saw him. Her shocked vision jumped and saw two then one then two of him on his back, eyes closed, mouth (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This offering averaged 4.7 stars on Amazon. Well, this one surely has the “something has gone wrong” part right. While a character waking next to a dead body is not unique, it is gripping. From a story questions point of view, this one earns a page-turn

But, while the writing is good, I think it could be stronger. The editor in me wants to coach the author on things such as having her “whole body” flip. This is a body-part filter, giving the action to the body instead of to the person. The same thing goes for “felt” in the opening sentence, a bit of a filter. Instead of “felt,” which removes us from the character’s experience, why not just “was?” Another example: instead of “she saw more red smear on her forearm,” it’s more in the character’s experience to write: “more red smeared her forearm.” Still, this seems to be the start of a good story. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 117: Stacy Green

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of See Them Run. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?

Blowing snow blinded me as I careened down Interstate 81. My jaw muscles throbbed from clenching my teeth for the past five hazardous hours, and the truck stop was still four miles away. The icy roads made me late–the exchange was planned for 9:15 p.m., exactly eight minutes ago. Unless my luck had been blessed with a major traffic accident, I wouldn’t be catching the seller. But maybe saving the child and interrogating the buyer were still within reach.

“If I don’t die before I get there, it’ll be a miracle.” My tires hit yet another packed down section of snow and sent the car sliding. I wrenched the steering wheel into the skid, my stomach burning as if I’d lit it on fire. Gently pumping the brakes and cursing the Polar Vortex, I saved the car from skidding onto the shoulder. The kid I was trying to save couldn’t afford my slowing down.

Pain burned my bottom lip; I dug my teeth out of the tender flesh. Two hazardous miles to go. The windshield wipers were on high, their annoying swish-swash giving me another reason to cuss.

After discovering Kailey Richardson had nearly been sold into an online sex trafficking ring, I’d decided to take my operation beyond old case files. Child sex trafficking was running rampant in this country, and law enforcement often found its hands tied by our legal system.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This offering averaged 4.3 stars on Amazon. Lately I’ve had a lot of trouble finding a free BookBub novel that was both interesting and promised a minimum adequacy in writing. For me, this one passes the test.

We open with an immediate scene and a law officer racing to save a child from sex trafficking. The voice is fine, the writing is high caliber, and things have gone wrong—the icy road—and have great potential for going more wrong. There’s even a “clock-ticking” deadline of sorts. For me, an easy page turn. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Flogometer 1038 for Paul—are you compelled to turn the page?

Only a few days left! Please, please visit my Kickstarter page for my new game, FlipIt. It goes Scrabble one better in terms of challenge and fun. Even if you can’t support it, please pass the link on to friends and family. Thanks for your help.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Paul sends the first chapter of The Vampire in the Basement. Here are the first 17 lines. The rest of the chapter follows the break so you can turn the page.

Monday evening. I lay on my bed, gazing up at the ceiling. I had a ton of homework to do, but my books sat untouched on my desk. Today had been another forgettable day at school, and I wasn’t forgetting it quickly enough.

My twin brother, Jez, appeared in the doorway. “Josh,” he said. “You need to see this.”

I followed him to the master bedroom. Jez pointed out the window. Down below, Doug’s station wagon was parked in the driveway. My foster father, Doug, and his drinking buddy Shane struggled to lift a large steamer trunk out the back of the old Ford.

“Big deal,” I said. “So they’re swiping antiques now.”

Look again,” said Jez. “Does that symbol look familiar to you?”

Symbol? What symbol? Oh. There it was: a black hieroglyphic hand, etched onto the lid of the trunk. I had seen that before, but where? My heart skipped a beat.

“Was that in one of Dad’s books?” I whispered.

Jez nodded. “I don’t remember what it stands for though.”

Probably nothing good. We would find out soon enough. Doug and Shane hauled the trunk onto the front porch. Those two idiots were about to bring it into the house.

The front door opened and closed. I made my way downstairs. Doug and Shane were (snip)

The writing is good, and I like the voice. The scene is set clearly, and the “normal” world quickly established (homework to do, etc.). But what of tension? Just about the only story question that comes to my mind is what’s in the trunk. But there are no stakes. The only hint of jeopardy—of something going wrong—is that there’s probably nothing good about what is happening.

That’s not enough for this reader. There’s good stuff to come—the twin brother, for one thing, seems to be a ghost only the protagonist can see. Most of the rest of the chapter is still exposition and backstory, all done well, but still tension-free. The trunk turns out to be unopenable to ordinary means—chisels, saws, lock picks, etc. But, in addition to the ghost, another supernatural element turns up, and the chapter ends with the trunk about to be opened.

But still, at this point, nothing is wrong or goes wrong for the protagonist. Other than the mystery of what is in the trunk, there’s no actual story here. I think this needs to start later or, perhaps, with some supernatural element raising its head to cause trouble for the boy. There’s good stuff here, but we need to get to the story much sooner. Try just starting with that something going wrong and see how much of the backstory is truly necessary and what can be woven in to what’s happening.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2017 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2017 by Paul.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Discovering a good author through BookBub

I spent an hour browsing free books from BookBub this morning, but couldn’t find any that interested me. So I thought I’d give a shout-out for a bookbubber that led to good reading, Lindsay Buroker.

The Emperor’s Edge is the first in the series, and it’s available for free as I write this. Lindsay creates memorable and fun characters in a steampunk world, Inventive and fast-paced, I recommend that you give it a look. After reading the first three in a free BookBub offer, I went on to buy the rest of the series.

I ask for your help.

The Kickstarter campaign for my word game, FlipIt, only has a few days to run. I doubt it will succeed, but have to keep trying. I’m asking that you visit the page if you will, but more than that just pass along the link to friends and family. Trust me, it truly is fun, more fun than Scrabble. Here’s the link: http://kck.st/2zFnzbe.

Flogometer 1037 for Ann—are you compelled to turn the page?

Please, please visit my Kickstarter page for my new game, FlipIt. It goes Scrabble one better in terms of challenge and fun. Even if you can’t support it, please pass the link on to friends and family. Thanks for your help.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Harlene sends the first chapter of a memoir, Outlasting Angie. Here are the first 17 lines. The rest of the story follows the break so you can turn the page.

“They gonna cut my head open! They gonna do brain surgery on me!”

The cry—desperate, braying, disembodied—burst through the barrier of my fitful dozing. I looked around, disoriented. A nylon curtain, gray, pulled tight, suspended from a ceiling several feet away, acclimated me. I was in the ER at Massachusetts General Hospital on a chrome chair with a vinyl seat; my brother slumped beside me, and our sedated mother on a gurney before us.

The panicked voice, a stranger’s, a woman’s, erupted again from behind the curtain. “I gotta git out of here!”

She yelled for a nurse, a bed pan, pain killers. She’d take “whatever they got so long’s it’s strong.” She pitched into a yowl. “They gonna cut me open! I don’t wanna be here, I don’t wanna be here no more! You hear me?”

Yes. I do.

I didn’t want to be there, either. My brother, Sean, didn’t. My mother surely did not, on that gurney, sliding in and out of medicated sleep. The stranger behind the curtain, drunk and inconsolable, told a nurse—then sometime later a hospital security guard taking the domestic abuse report—that her boyfriend likes his Jack Daniels and his fists get away from him. “Bastard should go to jail! Can you help me do that?”

The theory is that a memoir should read like a story—and I agree with that. It needs to have tension, scenes, action, dialogue—and not be a simple biography, a report on someone’s history. This opening page has all that, plus strong writing and a voice that invites you right in.

We’re immediately in a place—the scene is well set. Something is happening, something has gone wrong, and there’s promise of trouble ahead, not only for the screaming woman but for the narrator and her family. Finally, it introduces us to sympathetic characters who are in trouble. It’s enough to make you want to read more. I did. What do you think?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2017 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2017 by Ann.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1036 for Harlene—are you compelled to turn the page?

Please, please visit my Kickstarter page for my new game, FlipIt. It goes Scrabble one better in terms of challenge and fun. Even if you can’t support it, please pass the link on to friends and family. Thanks for your help.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Harlene sends a short story, Death and the Reward. Here are the first 17 lines. The rest of the story follows the break so you can turn the page.

“These are the old ways, not for whites,” the Healer said, as Chase pressed the knife deeper into the grizzled old man’s throat. Blood oozed from the cut.

Brooke said. “Wait!” She could not believe the current turn of events from this morning . . . the devil finds work for idle hands.

Brooke and Chase had been looking for something to do this morning. They’d been living in a village with their missionary parents for over a year and their day-to-day routine had gotten boring. Today, an opportunity presented itself.

Patience, their maid, had been acting weird all day. She was moody and withdrawn. Brooke had even caught Patience crying and wringing her hands. When Brooke asked Patience what was wrong, she said nothing. Having nothing better to do, Chase and Brooke decided to follow Patience home.

Instead of Patience turning right at the fork in the road as she always did, she turned left. Chase and Brooke looked at each other and grinned in excitement. It had started getting dark, so they didn’t have to worry too much about being spotted by Patience. They had walked a couple of miles when they saw a village ahead. Patience walked into the village and stopped in front of a hut that had a sign in front:

Spiritual Healer (snip)

Well, that opening paragraph has a strong hook, what with a knife being stuck into a Healer’s throat. But then one of the characters stops this intriguing action that holds a promise of serious conflict ahead. Then the story slips into backstory. The tension ebbs.

The backstory that we get on the first page doesn’t, for me, increase the tension. There’s “telling” going on—the maid acting weird—instead of showing. The motivation for the characters to follow the maid is just boredom. In other words, the only thing that goes wrong on this page is for the Healer. No jeopardy for the kids arises—I assume they’re kids, but that’s not clear. Strange things go on in the rest of the story, though the two protagonists never have a problem they need to overcome. Everything goes right for them, even the murder of a friend. But I don’t think I would have gotten there due to the opening page’s detour into backstory. I don’t feel that I’m a particularly good judge of short stories, but I think they still need to create story questions that compel reading.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2017 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2017 by L Rita.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

I found a good read to share with you—the Huntress thriller series

I came across this novel, Huntress Moon, in a list of books I could read for free as an Amazon Prime member. This thriller by Alexandra Sokoloff intrigued me enough to invest in Kindle Unlimited to read the rest of the 5-book set. So I thought I’d introduce her to you and recommend her novels.

She is a strong writer, and this series stars one of the most interesting protagonist/antagonists I’ve met, a woman who seems to be—but is not—a serial killer. The more I read her, the more I wanted. There’s a co-protagonist, an FBI agent, who is also a strong character in opposition to—and sometimes not—the heroine/villain. There’s a slight supernatural element, but Sokoloff makes it believable and necessary.

As is my tradition here at FtQ, following are the opening lines of the first chapter of Huntress Moon. I’m not polling this one, but I do encourage you to check this book and the series out. Solkoloff’s writing is of such a caliber that I’ve downloaded several of her other books to continue the fun. If you like a good thriller read, I recommend the Huntress series. One last note: interestingly, the fifth novel takes place in today’s time and includes the results of our last presidential election. One more thing: the primary theme of the series is the trafficking and sexual abuse of women, a topic of our times.

The city teems.

A bustle of busy people on the streets under towering buildings, cars climbing the vertical hills, working people traversing the corridors, energized by the cool ocean air off the gleaming, timeless Pacific.

There is much that is beautiful about San Francisco: the sun on the Bay, the expanses of bridges over the water, the pastel-painted Victorians with their gingerbread trim, the dreamy beaming people in the parks.

But here, as everywhere, is the darkness.

While tourists swarm the markets at Fisherman’s Wharf and eat chocolate at Ghirardelli Square and day trip to Alcatraz, the area formerly known as the Tenderloin swarms, too, with a different kind of activity. In the Tenderloin women and children are bought and sold, people are killed for money or drugs, the stench of urine and vomit and blood rises from the filthy sidewalks, the darkness of addiction and madness pervades.

The woman in black who walks through this flotsam is an anomaly. Too well dressed to be one of them, too clean to have business in this part of town.

She gets glances, of course, some surreptitious and curious, some longer predatory stares. Lone women don’t often walk this street except for money. But something about her keeps the flies away. The men she passes shift restlessly; a few of them even flinch from her.

You can read more here.

For what it’s worth,

Ray

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.