Please, please visit my Kickstarter page for my new game, FlipIt. It goes Scrabble one better in terms of challenge and fun. Even if you can’t support it, please pass the link on to friends and family. Thanks for your help.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of Dire, a mystery, the eighth of a series. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?
“Did you see that?” Chief Detective David Wolf of the Sluice– Byron County Sheriff’s Department twisted in his seat and looked through the tinted rear window of the SUV.
“Whoa, you’re gonna slide off the mountain!” Detective Sergeant Barker reached a meaty hand toward the wheel.
Wolf corrected his steering and pumped the brakes, sliding to a stop in a foot of snow on the shoulder.
A pickup truck honked and slowed on the way by, the driver’s middle finger extended in the window.
They were driving in an unmarked department SUV, a dark-maroon Ford Explorer specially ordered for Wolf and his detective squad, which meant sometimes they received less than the normal law-enforcement respect afforded other cops with rooftop turret lights and fancy paint jobs.
“Move on, asshole!” Barker pointed out the windshield with teeth bared.
With tires spitting snow, Wolf ignored the blossoming road-rage incident and reversed up the shoulder. As they bounced in their seats, the front end fishtailed side to side.
Barker eyed the steep drop-off to the right that sloped down to the icy Chautauqua River. “I didn’t see anything, and you know we have a Situation in ten, right?”
You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
This offering averaged a strong 4.8 stars on Amazon. With this as the eighth in a series, it’s no surprise that the writing is good, and so is voice. Another good thing: we open in media res with some immediate jeopardy—running off the road and falling off a mountain.
But then what happens? We step into a bog of quicksand, a block of exposition about what kind of car they’re in that starts to suck the tension right out of the story. And then we sink even further into the bog when backstory about where they’ve been adds more lethargy to what could have been a strong opening. Sadly, there’s more and similar exposition on the following pages.
But the story does regain momentum if you should happen to work your way out of the quicksand. I’ll offer below a modified first page that uses narrative from the next page or so. See what you think—there’s a new poll.
“Did you see that?” Chief Detective David Wolf of the Sluice– Byron County Sheriff’s Department twisted in his seat and looked through the rear window of the SUV.
“Whoa, you’re gonna slide off the mountain!” Detective Sergeant Barker reached a meaty hand toward the wheel.
Wolf corrected his steering and pumped the brakes, sliding to a stop in a foot of snow on the shoulder.
A pickup truck honked and slowed on the way by, the driver’s middle finger extended in the window.
“Move on, asshole!” Barker pointed out the windshield with teeth bared.
With tires spitting snow, Wolf ignored the blossoming road-rage incident and reversed up the shoulder. As they bounced in their seats, the front end fishtailed side to side.
Barker eyed the steep drop-off to the right that sloped down to the icy Chautauqua River. “I didn’t see anything, and you know we have a Situation in ten, right?”
Wolf jammed the SUV in park and stepped out. “Shit,” Wolf muttered as exhaust-laden wind whipped against him. He jogged to the two slide marks and edged up to the crest of the ravine, seeing what he’d dreaded— an upside-down vehicle in the river below. Wolf popped the rear hatch. “There’s a vehicle in the water.” He grabbed the Life Hammer out of his emergency (snip)
Your thoughts on the need for an editor?
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.