Please, please visit my Kickstarter page for my new game, FlipIt. It goes Scrabble one better in terms of challenge and fun. Even if you can’t support it, please pass the link on to friends and family. Thanks for your help.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 lines of the prologue for Black Diamond Death, a mystery, the first of a series. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?
Charlotte’s Last Breath
The air was calm, but I was restless. I had a decision to make so I did what I always do when push comes to shove, I shoved back, but not in the way one might think. Skiing had always been my release. There was something about being surrounded by fresh powder and clean, open air that reminded me of what it felt like to be alive again. I could stand on a mountaintop with a world of trouble on my mind, but it didn’t matter. Every care always dissolved just like the snow soon would, leaving tiny patches of white, mere remnants of a ski slope that once provided the town’s entertainment for the season.
In a few minutes I’d have lunch with Audrey and do something that didn’t come easy, tell her the truth. I never lied to her; I just preferred keeping things to myself.
I rounded the last narrow pass on the slope and traveled downhill through the trees. My tongue had gone numb over the past couple hours, and each time my teeth hit against it, I felt nothing, like my tongue wasn’t even there. My throat felt like a strand of lit matches were pressed hard against it.
Was I getting sick?
The flu had made its way around town, but if it was the flu, why had I lost all the feeling in my face? I ran my gloved hand across my goggles, but it didn’t help. I squeezed my eyes (snip)
You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
This offering averaged 4.2 stars on Amazon. The writing is solid, the voice clear. So far, so good. For me, though, the long first paragraph of musing didn’t hold a strong hook—not that it has to, but this was the opposite of building tension. I think it could be cut considerably. I’m sure it was intended to connect us with the character, but it could have been quicker about it.
There seems to be some trouble developing, but it’s pretty hazy. The numbness on her face could have been from the cold air. If it weren’t for the subtitle of the prologue, Charlotte’s Last Breath, we wouldn’t know that the character is a woman and that there might be trouble ahead. While there are story questions raised, for me they weren’t compelling, but maybe I’m just on the grumpy side this morning (a syndrome that a first page has to be prepared to contend with, especially when pitching an agent). Your thoughts?
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.