Flogging the Quill

Tonight, maybe

I plan to put up a new flogging tonight, today is occupied with my wife being in the hospital recovering from surgery. The surgery went well, but recovery is hard. Ray

Flog a BookBubber 115: Jeff Carson

Please, please visit my Kickstarter page for my new game, FlipIt. It goes Scrabble one better in terms of challenge and fun. Even if you can’t support it, please pass the link on to friends and family. Thanks for your help.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of Dire, a mystery, the eighth of a series. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?

“Did you see that?” Chief Detective David Wolf of the Sluice– Byron County Sheriff’s Department twisted in his seat and looked through the tinted rear window of the SUV.

“Whoa, you’re gonna slide off the mountain!” Detective Sergeant Barker reached a meaty hand toward the wheel.

Wolf corrected his steering and pumped the brakes, sliding to a stop in a foot of snow on the shoulder.

A pickup truck honked and slowed on the way by, the driver’s middle finger extended in the window.

They were driving in an unmarked department SUV, a dark-maroon Ford Explorer specially ordered for Wolf and his detective squad, which meant sometimes they received less than the normal law-enforcement respect afforded other cops with rooftop turret lights and fancy paint jobs.

“Move on, asshole!” Barker pointed out the windshield with teeth bared.

With tires spitting snow, Wolf ignored the blossoming road-rage incident and reversed up the shoulder. As they bounced in their seats, the front end fishtailed side to side.

Barker eyed the steep drop-off to the right that sloped down to the icy Chautauqua River. “I didn’t see anything, and you know we have a Situation in ten, right?”

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This offering averaged a strong 4.8 stars on Amazon. With this as the eighth in a series, it’s no surprise that the writing is good, and so is voice. Another good thing: we open in media res with some immediate jeopardy—running off the road and falling off a mountain.

But then what happens? We step into a bog of quicksand, a block of exposition about what kind of car they’re in that starts to suck the tension right out of the story. And then we sink even further into the bog when backstory about where they’ve been adds more lethargy to what could have been a strong opening. Sadly, there’s more and similar exposition on the following pages.

But the story does regain momentum if you should happen to work your way out of the quicksand. I’ll offer below a modified first page that uses narrative from the next page or so. See what you think—there’s a new poll.

“Did you see that?” Chief Detective David Wolf of the Sluice– Byron County Sheriff’s Department twisted in his seat and looked through the rear window of the SUV.

“Whoa, you’re gonna slide off the mountain!” Detective Sergeant Barker reached a meaty hand toward the wheel.

Wolf corrected his steering and pumped the brakes, sliding to a stop in a foot of snow on the shoulder.

A pickup truck honked and slowed on the way by, the driver’s middle finger extended in the window.

“Move on, asshole!” Barker pointed out the windshield with teeth bared.

With tires spitting snow, Wolf ignored the blossoming road-rage incident and reversed up the shoulder. As they bounced in their seats, the front end fishtailed side to side.

Barker eyed the steep drop-off to the right that sloped down to the icy Chautauqua River. “I didn’t see anything, and you know we have a Situation in ten, right?”

Wolf jammed the SUV in park and stepped out. “Shit,” Wolf muttered as exhaust-laden wind whipped against him. He jogged to the two slide marks and edged up to the crest of the ravine, seeing what he’d dreaded— an upside-down vehicle in the river below. Wolf popped the rear hatch. “There’s a vehicle in the water.” He grabbed the Life Hammer out of his emergency (snip)

Your thoughts on the need for an editor?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 114: Cheryl Bradshaw

Please, please visit my Kickstarter page for my new game, FlipIt. It goes Scrabble one better in terms of challenge and fun. Even if you can’t support it, please pass the link on to friends and family. Thanks for your help.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 lines of the prologue for Black Diamond Death, a mystery, the first of a series. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?

Charlotte’s Last Breath

The air was calm, but I was restless. I had a decision to make so I did what I always do when push comes to shove, I shoved back, but not in the way one might think. Skiing had always been my release. There was something about being surrounded by fresh powder and clean, open air that reminded me of what it felt like to be alive again. I could stand on a mountaintop with a world of trouble on my mind, but it didn’t matter. Every care always dissolved just like the snow soon would, leaving tiny patches of white, mere remnants of a ski slope that once provided the town’s entertainment for the season.

In a few minutes I’d have lunch with Audrey and do something that didn’t come easy, tell her the truth. I never lied to her; I just preferred keeping things to myself.

I rounded the last narrow pass on the slope and traveled downhill through the trees. My tongue had gone numb over the past couple hours, and each time my teeth hit against it, I felt nothing, like my tongue wasn’t even there. My throat felt like a strand of lit matches were pressed hard against it.

Was I getting sick?

The flu had made its way around town, but if it was the flu, why had I lost all the feeling in my face? I ran my gloved hand across my goggles, but it didn’t help. I squeezed my eyes (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This offering averaged 4.2 stars on Amazon. The writing is solid, the voice clear. So far, so good. For me, though, the long first paragraph of musing didn’t hold a strong hook—not that it has to, but this was the opposite of building tension. I think it could be cut considerably. I’m sure it was intended to connect us with the character, but it could have been quicker about it.

There seems to be some trouble developing, but it’s pretty hazy. The numbness on her face could have been from the cold air. If it weren’t for the subtitle of the prologue, Charlotte’s Last Breath, we wouldn’t know that the character is a woman and that there might be trouble ahead. While there are story questions raised, for me they weren’t compelling, but maybe I’m just on the grumpy side this morning (a syndrome that a first page has to be prepared to contend with, especially when pitching an agent). Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Flogometer 1035 for L Rita—are you compelled to turn the page?

Sorry I'm a little late on this, a doc appointment this morning.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

L Rita sends the first chapter of an untitled time-travel romance. Here are the first 17 lines. The rest of the chapter follows the break so you can turn the page.

The midnight wind whirled around Zahara Chandler, propelling her through time. In minutes, she arrived in the twenty-fourth century, leaving behind ancient Egypt and her attacker. She crumpled to her living room floor, overcome by sharp pain tearing across her ribs and right arm. They were more than likely broken and who knew what else?

Tia, her droid, greeted her. “Welcome home, Madam, your Champagne.”

Zahara could barely see her with her blurred vision from the blows she received to her eyes, and Champagne was the last thing she needed now, though Tia was only following her pre-set instructions and oblivious to her distress. She tried to stand, but the pain made it impossible.

“Sit it down. Hurry, carry me to the portal.”

“Yes, Madam.” Tia carried her out of the living room and across the foyer to the portal. Once inside, she instructed her to port them to the hospital. The jelly-like sensation overtook her, scattering her into the atmosphere and relieving the pain. In a few minutes, she felt the weight of her body again along with the pain. They were there.

Zahara moaned. “Call for help.”

Tia shouted. “We need help over here.”

Someone took her from Tia’s arms, and placed her on a floating bed and guided it down the hall to a room. Once inside, beams of light illuminated her. A screen projected a report of her (snip)

A good, solid voice and starting with an immediate scene begin this page well. We’re immersed into a future world of some sort effortlessly—the “features” of the world are woven into the action instead of slowing us down in description/exposition. Good job there.

I think the opening could be stronger if it begins with the last seconds of the attack on her. for example:

The Egyptian warrior slammed his fist into Zahara’s body a second time just as she activated the t-traveler. The midnight wind whirled around her, propelling her through time.

I think other wording could be crisper or more clear, and I’ll make some suggestions in the mini-edit below. But, other than some small craft issues, the story question raised is strong and promises more good stuff to come. What did you think?

The midnight wind whirled around Zahara Chandler, propelling her through time. In minutes, she arrived She crumpled to her living room floor in the twenty-fourth century, leaving behind ancient Egypt and her attacker. She crumpled to her living room floor, overcome by s Sharp pain tearing tore across her ribs and right arm. They were more than likely broken and who knew what else?

Tia, her droid, greeted her. “Welcome home, Madam, your Champagne.”  Nice unexpected twist from dramatic action that still builds the world seamlessly

Her vision blurred from the warrior's blows to her face, Zahara could barely see Tia her with her blurred vision from the blows she received to her eyes, and Champagne was the last thing she needed now, though Tia the droid was only following her pre-set instructions and oblivious to her distress. She tried to stand, but the pain made it impossible.

“Sit it down. Hurry, carry me to the portal.”

“Yes, Madam.” Tia carried her out of the living room and across the foyer to the portal in the foyer. Once inside, she Zahara instructed her to port them to the hospital. The jelly-like sensation overtook her, scattering her into the atmosphere and relieving the pain. In a few minutes, she felt the weight of her body again and the pain roared backalong with the pain. They were there.   In the first sentence, we already know that she's in the living room, so excess words could be deleted. I've offered a thoughtstarter for keeping her problem strong and in the reader’s mind. The last sentence took me out of the story for a bit, wondering what the antecedent for “They” was—it could have been her body and the pain, the last things mentioned. It’s just not needed anyway.

Zahara moaned. “Call for help.”

Tia shouted. “We need help over here.”

Someone took her from Tia’s arms, and placed her on a floating bed, and guided it down the hall to a room. Once inside, beams of light illuminated her. A screen projected a report of her (snip)

Plenty of promise here, keep at it.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2017 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2017 by L Rita.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 114: Katy Munger

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 lines of Chapter 1 for Legwork, a mystery, the first of a series. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?

"This better be good or you're dead meat," I warned my midnight caller. And I meant it. I had a 26-year-old bartender parked next to my wrinkled old hide. I didn't take kindly to interruptions.

"You've stepped in it now," Bobby D. replied, his voice oozing with satisfaction. He takes great pride in pointing out my screw-ups.

"What is it?" I mumbled, tugging the sheets away from Jack. Jesus, he was a human Labrador retriever glossy black hair, big wet tongue, sturdy chest, and a silly grin on his face when he slept.

"Your babysitting job just went sour.'' Bobby followed this pronouncement with a cough. I could practically feel the phlegm bubbling through the phone wires. I don't know what goes on inside Bobby's massive stomach but half the time, whatever it is, it's trying to crawl out.

"It's three o'clock in the morning," I said, fumbling for my black cat eyeglasses. "What the hell could go wrong with that woman at this time of night? She get caught breaking into the Junior League membership file or something?"

"She got arrested for murder."

"What?" I was wide awake. Mary Lee Masters arrested for murder? No way in hell. Not in the middle of the final month before the election.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This offering averaged 4 stars on Amazon. There are things to like with this opening page. Lively female voice, adequate writing—there’s a tense error and some comma issues. The opening line has conflict in it, and toward the end a strong story question is raised. The narrative also starts to portray a not-your-usual-sexpot-detective character with hints of age and bawdy sex. Despite the small craft issues, which an editor could fix, it seemed like a page turn was appropriate for me since I do enjoy mysteries. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Will you lend a hand?

If you feel you benefit from my blog, please do me the favor of taking a couple of minutes to watch the video below. Then, whether you want to visit the Kickstarter page or not, please pass this link to the page along to anyone who likes games, has game-playing kids, etc.: http://kck.st/2zFnzbe

 

 The link to the Kickstarter page, once again, is  http://kck.st/2zFnzbe. Please share it.

Your support is greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Ray

Be among the first to back FlipIt!

If you like Scrabble, have I got a game for you!

I've launched a Kickstarter campaign to fund the production of a new word game, FlipIt. If you like to play word games, you should definitely check it out.

I reimagined the old-style word game form and came up with two innovations that make FlipIt both

• Easier to play
• More challenging to play

Please visit the page. There's a video about the fun in store for word-game players.

If backing the game isn't for you, it will still be a gigantic help if you pass it along to friends and family, especially those that might have game-playing children. Please share this web address with them: 

http://kck.st/2zFnzbe

Thanks,

Ray

 

Flog a BookBubber 113: Marianne Delacourt

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 lines of Chapter 1 for Sharp Turn, a mystery, the second in a series. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?

My mother is an expert guilt-maker. Joanna Sharp, the Rani of Reproach, the Shazadi of Shame. When she turned her talent on me, it was usually about the fact that I didn’t date the right sort of guy. Unfortunately, my mother’s idea of a suitable male was someone like Phillip Dewar: privileged, pasty and pissy. But since I’d moved back home, due to loss of employment and a spot of pennilessness, Joanna had broadened her guilt trip to include my latest career venture.

‘Why can’t you just get a good job in the government, darling? Or let your father help you find work?’ she asked me with unrelenting regularity.

My reaction was consistently emphatic: ‘I can look after myself, Mum!’

Of course that meant that I had to come good on my statement, which meant earning money, which explained why I was currently on my way to a meeting with a brothel madam.

‘And it’s all good … it’s all go-oo-ood!’ I sang the Hill Top Hoods chorus line to Crosby Sweater and sent my 1980s Holden Monaro—aka Mona—into a sharp left-hander with only the faintest squeal of her wheels.

I’ve always been a great believer in affirmations. I CAN eat less chocolate. I CAN do more exercise. I CAN meet a perfect man. No, scrap that last one. I don’t believe in perfect men.

That said, my current date, the gorgeous Edouardo, came close. He was a model, a good egg and he seemed to like me—all of which made me uneasy. He was really too good to be true.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This offering averaged a strong 4.8 out of 5 stars on Amazon. To start with, the author has a fun voice, and the writing is good. If you found the make of her car odd, I understand that this is set in Australia.

There was a solid story question, too—why is she meeting with a brothel madame? She doesn’t seem to be a hooker. For me, when the narrative diverged to her current boyfriend, I began to lose interest. I want to get to that meeting and find out what’s happening there. Nothing is “wrong” yet in this scenario, but that meeting promised story. Unfortunately, the tension withers at the end of the page, for me at any rate. I ended up with a no vote. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Help a fine Indie author achieve Kindle Scout publication

I was once a member of an excellent critique group when I lived in Seattle, and one of the authors, who was not only a terrific writer but a sharp critique partner, has a novel that has been selected for potential publication by Kindle Scout.

Authors gain publication at Kindle Scout through nominations by readers such as you and me. She reached out to me for a nomination, and, because I know her work and liked what I read on the Kindle Scout page for her book, I’m happy to oblige. And happy to ask you to do the same.

Here’s the blurb for The Mending, a dystopian science fiction novel (one of my favorite kinds), by Faye Lloyd. I hope you’ll go to her page and nominate her book. It’ll only take a minute, and you could make a difference.

When every man dies, women remake the world.

When a terrorist releases a virus killing every man on Earth, Dr. Vivi Bolder fights to save humanity in her corner of the globe. She unites with her mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, and niece in one house, but they each struggle alone to recover and adjust to a world both decimated and brimming with opportunity. As the government turns dictatorial and a shadow group works to secure a future where men are subordinate, can the Bolder women survive, even thrive?

Click here to read an excerpt and to nominate Leslie’s fine new book.

You know, one of the things I really like about writers is how willing they are to be helpful to other writers. I see this in my workshops all the time, and in other workshop presenters at the writers conferences I take part in. ‘Tis a good feeling.

Thanks for your time and consideration.

Ray

Flog a BookBubber 112: Clara Benson

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 lines of Chapter 1 for The Murder at Sissingham Hall, mystery, first of three in a bundled trilogy of Angela Marchmont stories. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?

IT IS ALWAYS a very odd feeling, returning to one’s home country after a long period abroad. The countryside, the towns, the cities, people going about their daily business, even the weather, look familiar and yet at the same time strange. It reminds me of the feeling I once experienced on accidentally observing myself in a looking-glass which had been placed at right-angles to another—it was quite a shock to see a reflection of my reflection and suddenly realize that my true face was all lop-sided. When I got my first glimpse of the quayside from the deck of the Ruthin Castle, a welcome sight after the long voyage, a jolt of joy went through me, yet at the same time I felt oddly shy, like a small boy made to stand up in the drawing-room and recite poetry before a gathering of stern aunts.

‘No-one will be here to welcome me,’ I thought to myself, as the vessel drew ponderously into Southampton dock. ‘I am like a stranger in my own country. Shall I be able to settle down, I wonder?’

The gang-plank went down and I disembarked with the rest of the passengers, alone in the midst of a teeming mass of humanity. For a moment I stood on the quayside, my feet on English soil for the first time in eight years, discomposed by the bustling crowd of passengers, sailors and porters and momentarily uncertain as to which way to go. But just as I was heartily beginning to wish that I had remained in South Africa, I heard a piercing whistle through the din (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This offering averaged 4.4 out of 5 stars on Amazon. I like mysteries, I like British settings, I like historical fiction and this is set in the 1920s, and this is a trilogy for free. What’s not to like about that?

The writing is professional, and the voice is British, as it should be. And then there is the story question . . . actually, no, there isn’t. This is one of the most easy-going narratives for a mystery I’ve ever seen. So easy-going that there isn’t a clue that this is a mystery.

What about what happens? A man gets off a boat after an absence from his country, and he doesn’t expect to be met. No story questions at all since he’s not wondering if someone will be there, he has decided that there won’t be. I skimmed through the first chapter. No murder. The second chapter. No murder. The body doesn’t hit the floor until the beginning of chapter 7. I don’t think I’ll be plowing through six chapters to get to the story. A no for me. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.