Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of An Ace and a Pair. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?
The door was open, but I knocked anyway. The captain looked up from her desk. She was one of those women who should have been attractive. She had thick black hair and deep brown eyes, and olive skin that in her midforties looked like it was still in its twenties. She had all the right bits in all the right places, but she was somehow unlovable. Her eyes gave me that “what the hell do you want” look. Then I guess she remembered she’d called me, and gave something that should have been a smile but wasn’t. Captain Jennifer Cuevas was all about what should have been.
“John, come in. Take a seat. Close the door, would you?”
I closed the door and sat. She laid her pen very carefully in front of her, like everything would go wrong if it wasn’t perfectly aligned.
“How long have you been with the NYPD, John?”
“Twenty-eight years, Jennifer.” She glanced at me. It was okay for her to call me John, but I should call her Captain. I smiled nicely.
“You just turned forty-eight.”
“Last November.”
She sighed, like it was a shame I’d turned forty-eight in November. “John, don’t get me wrong, you are a very highly valued member of this precinct…”
You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
This book averaged 4.5 out of 5 stars on Amazon. This page starts strong with an appealing character voice and a fresh way to describe a character. It is, in fact, a good example of what I call “experiential description.” Nicely done.
The narrative introduces a likeable character in John, who is clearly someone with intelligence and attitude. What happens is not exactly high drama and, even though this is a mystery, there’s no body. On the other hand, there is definitely tension, and the last line on the page promises that something is about to go wrong for John. There’s a clear “but…” that follows “don’t get me wrong,” and that means something coming that John won’t like. This is a nice example of what Donald Maass calls “bridging tension.” It’s not the main conflict of the story, but it is a conflict.
So, for me, the story question—what’s he just about to get hit with, especially since she led with his age—was enough for me. However, this conflict between the captain and him sure better be paid off later in the story. If not, if we don’t come back to it and it doesn’t impact what happens, it was a bait-and-switch that I won’t appreciate. Your thoughts?
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.