Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Broken Skies. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?
I DROP TO THE FLOOR at the sound of the knock, my breath hissing in through my teeth when I smack an elbow against the table on my way down. What is Emily doing here? She has to know that Jace went out with the hunting party this morning. Nosy sheep girl. I cradle my elbow and scurry across the floor, careful to stay below the level of the windows. I’ve got my long red hair pulled into a messy braid and I’m wearing my brother’s clothes—not exactly acceptable attire around here for a girl and not easy to hide. If she sees me like this it will completely ruin my day.
“Jasmine?” Emily’s voice calls from outside. Not after my brother then. She’s after me.
I slide along the wall until I reach my bedroom and pull an over-sized dress out of my closet, sliding it over my head and smoothing it down. She calls my name again and I roll my eyes. “Jax,” I mutter to myself. “My name is Jax.”
My fingers twist my braid into a loose bun and I secure it with two pins from my dresser before I finally answer the door, a smile plastered on my face. “Hello, Emily. What can I do for you?”
Emily startles and takes a step back, but her smile never falters. “Good morning, Jasmine. I was wondering if you’d like—”
“Jax,” I say. “And my brother’s not here.”
You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
This book averaged 4.4 out of 5 stars on Amazon. Since YA fiction is on my list of BookBub interests, I get notices of books that feature a spunky, sassy, non-conformist teen girl in a fantasy setting. That’s okay with me, I like characters and settings like that. But an inclination to read because of what it is doesn’t amount to a compulsion to turn the page. So what’s going on here?
We meet said young woman avoiding contact with another young woman, and that does raise a story question—why? But there aren’t any hints of what might be at stake here. And, since Jax does answer the door, she’s not really hiding, just concealing. But from what trouble? This narrative misses opportunities to stir in what the trouble could be about.
For example, an opportunity is missed when her fingers—a body-part filter—twist her braid into a bun. For one thing, it is she who does the twisting—give action the person, not a body part. However, that bun style is a part of the restrictive culture she rebels against, and the bun could have been used to signal that. For example, I’ll make something up:
I twist my braid into the required bun, but not a tight tidy one like the women in the village have to wear. I won’t give in to that.
That adds a flavor of rebellion to the character, but to what end in this page? Since nothing much happens, since she answers the door anyway, is there anything else that could make a reader want to know what happens next? Not for me. While I think it’s okay to focus on character and not the primary conflict/trouble of the story, it is necessary to have some kind of tension, the kind that agent Donald Maass calls “bridging conflict” that creates tension of a lesser but still motivating nature. This story, like so many, starts too early and not close enough to something going wrong for the character. No turn for me. What did you think?
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.