Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter from an historical novel, Murder by Misrule: A Fancis Bacon Mystery. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?
Westminster, 19 November 1586
A sudden roar startled Francis Bacon out of his thoughts, making him jump, his shoes actually leaving the ground. He glanced to either side, hoping no one had seen him. Of course, the street was empty. The roar came from the cheers rising from the tiltyard where all of London celebrated Queen's Day with jousting and pageants. The world and its wife were there today, including everyone who mattered at court. Everyone, therefore, except him.
He didn't know why he'd come down to Westminster. He should have stayed in his chambers at Gray's, reading in the blissful peace of the deserted inn. He needed exercise, he'd said to himself. Stretch his legs, catch a breath of air. Once he was out, he'd thought he might drop by Burghley House in hopes of gaining a moment with his uncle, the Lord Treasurer and Her Majesty's most indispensable counselor. He knew His Lordship would not be at the tiltyard. He rarely took time off from work and disliked noisy spectacles. Francis didn't much care for them either. Sweaty people, filthy grounds, ear-splitting roars like the one that had just startled him. Dreadful. He shuddered to think of it.
His uncle had refused to see him. The secretary offered a transparent excuse about heaps of letters and an aching head. One did not need the deductive gifts of a Bacon to recognize that he was persona non grata at Burghley House as well. All he'd done was have an idea — a perfectly reasonable idea for reforming the English common law — and mention it here and (snip)
You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
This book averaged 4 out of 5 stars on Amazon. I decided to sample it because I enjoy both historical fiction and mysteries. After reading the first page, once again I wondered why writers squander the opportunity to engage a reader by delivering info dumps instead of story, particularly when in the form of a flashback.
By the end of the page, we’ve learned something about this character’s station and his uncle, but the conflict with the uncle is over and done. No tension there. I suspect the backstory about the uncle serves little purpose in this chapter because, just around the corner, is a murder, which is what the book is supposedly about. While the voice and writing are good, and the era interesting, no page turn for me.
But there could have been.Following is a paragraph from a page or so later. I see no reason that this couldn’t have been the second paragraph on the opening page. A poll follows—would you have been more likely to turn the page after reading this?
He turned a sharp corner and stumbled onto a soft mass. Backing up, looking down, a gasp of horror choked his throat. The mass was a man, dead, sprawled across the middle of the lane in a pool of wet dirt. Wet with blood, which Francis had walked right into. If he'd been paying attention, he would have smelled it first: the tang of fresh blood was unmistakable. He backed off a few paces and checked his boots, a thoughtless act he immediately repented. The poor man, whoever he was, deserved his first consideration.
So, what about an editor?
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.