Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 98: Samantha Wood

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the complete prologue from The Gift: The Butterfly Effect, Book 1. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?

ELENA RAN UP THE PATH to the rotunda above the beach. The stairs were uneven, planks of splintered wood doing little to hold back the sand and encroaching brush. She tried counting her steps but lost count after fifty or so. Instead, she listened to the rhythmic sound of her breathing, concentrated on nothing else. The dense ti-tree created a canopy overhead, fingers of light peeking through them. Among them singing honeyeaters chattered and trilled. They sounded just like the tennis club ladies at coffee mornings.

When she finally arrived at the lookout she leaned against the concrete barrier. The sun lingered above the sea and the rocky cliffs glowed ivory. Silver gulls cawed overhead, blown landward by the northerly winds off Bass Strait. Down below, a dozen surfers dropped in on the churning waves, riding them to the breakwater before paddling back out again. She watched them for a while, before clambering down the steep path to where she’d first started. Daniel would ask what she’d done that day, always wanting to know; so she pushed herself to keep going. She straightened and took off. Her sneakers skidded across the soft sand, shunting her sideways. Everything hurt. Her heart felt like it would burst out of her chest but she didn’t stop until she’d done half a dozen laps.

Afterwards, she flopped down on the bench outside the toilet block. A stab of pain in her lower back. It was a familiar feeling, a reminder of the real pain. She winced as she straightened, brought her face up to the weak sun. For nearly a year, she had been waking in the mornings with spasms in her spine, (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This book averaged a strong 4.7 out of 5 stars on Amazon. The Amazon blurb ends with this:

A gothic tale of love and loss, bravery and hope.

Hmm. The opening page does show high-caliber writing in the descriptions, which give a strong sense of setting. But what is happening here? A woman runs/exercises, and there’s some pain. But that’s about all that’s wrong in this person’s life, and we see that it isn’t new and that she has dealt with it in the past.

But what of story questions? What of a hint that this is a tale of “love and loss, bravery and hope?” We learn nothing of that with this opener. In reading the description, this tale is set in Australia and revolves around a woman protecting her fostered son from his violent father, which sounds like the stuff of a good story. But, given the absolute lack of tension on this first page, will any browser get there? I didn’t turn this page.

So, what do you think about the need for an editor?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the complete prologue from The Gift: The Butterfly Effect, Book 1. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?

Who could have known my life would be so drastically altered?

I didn’t know. My parents didn’t either.

It was a few weeks before my seventeenth birthday when everything changed. I was rushed into the hospital in the back of an ambulance, unconscious.

I got there just in time.

My appendix erupted, causing poison to leak into my blood stream. The doctors operated on me and removed it before the toxins could contaminate my other organs and kill me.

They said I had a brush with death. They said I was lucky. When I woke I felt . . . different. Something inside me had changed.

I knew it from the moment I opened my eyes. Something felt weird.

Something was wrong.

Or maybe something was right.

This is how I received my gift.

. . . Or maybe it’s my curse.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This book averaged a strong 4.6 out of 5 stars on Amazon. The author is described as “a New York Times bestselling author” in the BookBub listing. My reactions are mixed to this opening. The writing is clearly professional in caliber, and the voice a good, likeable one. In terms of story questions, “something” has gone wrong. And that’s where my feelings flip and flop.

I liked what I read except for one thing: the references to “something.” I’m sure the author knows that’s vague, so I assume it’s deliberate. But I would have preferred more of a clue, at least to the paranormal nature of the “gift.”

I would have appreciated more, just a little more, on the stakes. We’re told that this something drastically altered her life. But in what direction? If it’s a problem, now would be the time to give us a sense of that. The very brief blurb on the Amazon page gives us that in the voice of the protagonist:

I have something people want. I have something they cannot take or steal. I have something they'd kill for.

If that had been in this prologue, it would have been a definite page-turn for me. Imagine it following the line about a curse. As it is, the voice and story questions, even though vague, were just enough to get me over the line. I’ll turn the page . . . but it’s a tenuous compulsion that could evaporate at the first signs of a failure of tension. So, what do you think about the need for an editor?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Discover a most enjoyable book (and author)

Robin Patchen is an editing client of mine, and I’m always happy when she produces a new book for me to work on, mostly because of the fun I know I’ll have.

In editing, it can sometimes be a chore to read through a manuscript—I never have that problem with Robin’s. In fact, the problem is putting the darned thing down to go have supper or to bed.

So I want to heartily recommend her newest book, Generous Lies, which is part of a series that I can also recommend for the same reasons. Since she’s a client, I don’t think it’s appropriate to offer more of a review, but I can tell you that it’s a page-turner, part women’s fiction and part thriller. This is a writer who knows how to tell a story.

Please check out Generous Lies here.

For what it’s worth,

Ray

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© 2017 Ray Rhamey

Flog a BookBubber 96: Pamela M. Kelley

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the prologue from a mystery, Trust. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?

Twenty years earlier....

Melissa Hopkins wanted more than anything to be home in her warm bed, securely tucked under her thick down comforter. For several hours now, she'd been sitting in a small windowless room at the local police headquarters, being interrogated by the same two cops non-stop. It made her head ache, although she supposed the drinks she'd had earlier could be a contributor to that as well.

Most of her friends had started drinking a few years ago, around age fourteen. It was common in Waverly, a beachfront community that was busy in the summer and deadly deserted in the winter months. Her friends considered her a lightweight, as she had always said no, until a few months ago on her sixteenth birthday.

Melissa closed her eyes and tried to focus, and to remember what really happened, but her memory was a confused blur. She suspected she might have blacked out for a bit. That had happened once before when she’d been drinking vodka, and this time they had been playing quarters on the beach and doing shots. It was hard to play well on the sand, on their makeshift table, plus someone had the bright idea to mix vodka with orange juice and made the losers slug shots of the drink instead of beer. Melissa's stomach did an unhappy flip just thinking about it.

"Melissa, your Mom is waiting outside to take you home. As soon as you tell us what we need to hear, you'll be on your way. You want to go home Melissa, don't you?" The police (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This book averaged 4.2 out of 5 stars on Amazon. The first paragraph on this opening page is promising—it sets the scene clearly and introduces a character who is clearly in trouble. Something has gone wrong, we just don’t know what it is yet,

But then the narrative takes a detour into backstory that does not affect what is happening at all. What is it doing here? In the third paragraph, the info about how hard it was to play the game and the nature of the drinks is another waste of words. Not needed, doesn’t affect story. All we need to know is that she was “over-served” with alcohol.

The only story question so far is what are the police interrogating her about. No sense of stakes, of how serious this is. So no page-turn from this reader. But there was a terrific paragraph later that should have—and easily could have—been on the first page.

For my money—and that’s what we’re talking about here, prose that gets a prospective reader to turn the page—this author would have been much better off if the second paragraph had been deleted and the fourth paragraph edited to include the following from the next page. A new poll follows.

"Melissa, the other two boys saw you run after Nancy with the murder weapon. Your prints are all over it, along with her blood. You were mad at Nancy— you admitted that already. You obviously did this, Melissa."

Once again, you can see how easy it is, with just a little thought to story to include a powerful hook/story question. I would have turned the page with this edit. So, what do you think about the need for an editor?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Free Kindle book for Amazon review

I’m working on a sequel to my The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles novel, so I’ve just reread it. You know what? I enjoyed it immensely. It has been years since I read it, the prose was fresh to me, and I made me laugh. My reaction reminded me of others the book has garnered. Some examples:

•  “Not a vampire fan, not a cat lover, but I was thoroughly entertained by this novel.”
• “Patch the vampire kitty has risen to the ranks of one of my all-time favorite heroes.”
• “It’s beautifully written, funny, and somehow real.”
• “This is a cat I want to know. I love this character.”
• “Purrrfectly told. Superb writing and strong storytelling.”
• “Funny and pitch-perfect.”

Would you agree with those readers? Maybe not--there are those who don’t on Amazon. That’s the chance we take when we publish. But reviews help a writer have a better grasp on what he or she thinks they’re doing.

Read it free for a review. So I’ll email to you a link to download a Kindle version of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles. If you don’t have a Kindle, there are free Kindle reader apps for Macs and PCs here—there are buttons for choosing which type you’re using. If you’re willing to write a review, please email me here with your name.

In the tradition of FtQ, I’m posting the first page below, and the chapter will follow the break. This should help you decide if you’re interested or not.

But first, let me share a blurb:

This knife-edged satire casts penetrating spotlights on blind prejudice, amoral lawyers and businessmen, people who are Christians in name only, and self-serving media types. Oh, and on the vampire genre itself—you’ve never inhabited a vampire world like this one.

The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles turns vampire mythology on its head in a fast-paced adventure when Patch, a calico tomcat, is turned into breakfast—and a vampire kitty-cat—by a starving vampire. Narrated by Patch in a deliciously snarky cat take on the world, he struggles to find a new life, as it were.

In the process, he's tried for murder, just about shotgunned into undead pieces, comes inches from having his tail cut off, seconds from being fried by the sun, and kidnapped twice. Oh, yeah, and turned into a (shudder) politician campaigning for vampire rights.

On the other paw, he does hook up with a sweet Siamese, and it looks like he's on the way to winning that election . . .

Okay. So here’s the first page:

Just after dark, death grabbed me by the tail. The moon was full, and the earthy scent of fall flavored a cool September breeze. My mind was on a svelte little Siamese who was coming into heat as I trotted over a mound of fresh dirt, not an uncommon thing in a graveyard―and a hand shot out of the ground and grabbed my rear extremity.

I twisted and went for the hand with my claws, but another hand burst out and seized the scruff of my neck―I went limp, just like when I was a kitten and my mom picked me up. The hands snapped my body straight, and then a woman’s face poked out of the earth. She sat up, holding me in front of her. I figured I was about to kiss my furry butt goodbye, and I was right.

Sort of.

The woman looked to be twenty-something. Dirty blond hair―with dirt, that is. Her bulging eyes were scary, but I forgot all about them when she put her mouth on my throat and bit. She got her teeth into my skin and I felt a warm rush of blood on my neck. She sucked and slurped. Strength and will drained out of me along with the sweet sauce of life.

I didn’t even have enough energy for regrets at my passing. Not that I had any―except maybe for the time I peed on my associate’s bed when she switched cat food without checking with me first. A petty thing to do to Amy, I admit.

Soon I was pretty spacey, just floating. The woman stopped her noshing and laid me on the (snip)

Do you qualify for a free sample edit?

I offer a free sample edit to writers who a) have a completed manuscript that they are serious about having edited, and b) have a narrative that I feel is worth working on.

The reasons for a sample edit are two: the first is to let the writer see what I do and how I do it and to learn if how I critique their work resonates with him or her. The second is for me to see if the narrative is promising and interesting enough for me to want to spend many days working on.

About those days: my process is to go through a manuscript three times. The first is onscreen, where I can get a sense of the story and characters and can make notes on the story and writing with Word’s track changes and comment markup features.

The second is going through a printout with a red-ink pen. It always amazes me how differently writing reads and feels in print versus onscreen. I often catch just as many errors as in the first read-through.

The third is onscreen again, after I’ve entered the corrections and notes from the second read. Once again, even with two rounds of grammar, punctuation, and wording issues out of the way and identified, I see even more corrections to make, though usually fewer by this time.

And, by the third read, the whole thing is pretty firmly in my mind and I can see continuity, character, and storytelling issues and have ideas for what to do about them. Story- and structure-wise, most manuscripts are sound from the beginning. But others call for restructuring here and there, and some cry out for a different ending. I give the writer suggestions on how to deal with all the issues I see, and I’ve had authors adopt my suggested new endings for their novels.

So, as you can imagine, there are a number of hours and days involved, thus the need for me to get a good idea of what’s ahead through a sample edit. I ask interested writers to email to me the first three chapters or the prologue and first two chapters as an attachment. They have to be using word processing software that can show Word’s markup features (the Open Office word processor does this).

Before you send anything, please check out my editing fees. If you can’t afford an edit, then it would be unfair to ask for a sample edit. Fees are here. While you’re there, you can check on the testimonials and book designs. There’s also a good page of resources for authors who are interested in self-publishing.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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© 2017 Ray Rhamey

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 95: C.J. Archer

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter from an historical fantasy, The Watchmaker’s Daughter. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?

There were several reasons why I fell in love with Eddie Hardacre, but seeing a painter put the finishing touches to “E. HARDACRE, WATCHMAKER” on the shop front that had been in my family's hands for over a century, I couldn't remember any of them. My former fiancé was worse than a pirate. At least pirates were loyal to their crew. Loyalty was a bartering tool Eddie employed whenever he needed to gain someone's trust. Someone like my poor, foolish dead father. And me.

It was time to tell Eddie what I thought of him. I'd kept my anger bottled inside for long enough, and if I didn't let it out, I would never heal. Besides, now was the perfect time, as a customer inspected one of Father's watches. Eddie loathed public displays of emotion.

I would give him the most public of emotional displays that I could.

I tugged on my jacket lapels, threw back my shoulders, and marched past the gentleman's shiny black coach and into the shop that should have been mine.

The entrance was as far as I got. The familiarity of my surroundings pinched my heart. The rich scent of polished wood mingled with the subtle tang of metal. The myriad tick tocks, which irritated so many customers after mere minutes inside, summoned a well of memories. The individual rhythms sounded chaotic when placed in one room together but they reassured me that all would be well, that I had come home. It had been two weeks since I'd heard their song.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This book averaged 4.3 out of 5 stars on Amazon. For me, this was a strong opening page that did a good job of including a number of checklist writing tools. In addition to good writing and voice, the scene was set and I got a sense of the period and the place. The character is sympathetic—a woman whose father has died and fiancé has betrayed. Something has gone wrong—the previously mentioned death and betrayal. Conflict is coming—she will confront the fiancé. And, thus, good story questions are raised.

So, what about an editor?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Insights from agents

S.D. McPhail wrote in her blog about a 2016 workshop she attended in which a moderator and a panel of literary agents read first pages submitted by worshoppers, much like we do here at FtQ. The moderator read aloud as agents followed along.

Susan tells us, "Each agent would raise their hand as soon as the reader got to a point where they would stop reading, equating to a rejection had it been a page submitted along with a cold query letter. As soon as multiple agents raised their hands, the instructor stopped reading and each agent explained their reason for rejecting." I have a feeling a lot of these comments will be familiar to FtQ readers.

Only 2 out of 23 first pages were read all the way through by the agents.

Here are Susan’s notes on the comments the agents made about the ones that didn’t make the cut:

1. Make a reader care about the main character with at least one small detail that the reader will find relatable.
2. Not too much action before establishing the main character. Reader must have a reason to care about the character.
3. Don’t open with weather or too much environmental description.
4. Passive voice. Don’t.
5. Don’t repeat details. Boring. Info dumping is bad.
6. If writing in first person, there must be a stream of consciousness inner monologue.
7. Genre: LGBT religious fiction. Diversity is hot right now and the genre sounds like a good concept. But this first page was done with a very heavy hand, featuring zealous religious fanatics who are anti-LGBT. Very big turnoff.
8. Let your characters display traits, don’t tell the reader what kind of person they are.
9. Cut adverbs. Reduce wordiness and adjectives and get to the point. Less is more when it comes to description. Let the reader’s imagination fill in some blanks.
10. Specific pop culture references (TV shows, current famous celebrities, brand names, etc.) can date the book, making it obsolete before it even goes to print.
11. Don’t open with too much internal dialogue. Avoid too much emotional distress without the reader knowing WHY.
12. Too much sensory detail instead of character does not engage a reader.
13. “Literary” does not mean wordy, even if the words are big and fancy.
14. Cut good writing when it doesn’t serve the story or move it forward.
15. No prologues. If it’s backstory, work it into the narrative as a flashback or some other way.
16. Avoid date-stamping. It’s too obvious. For instance, don’t say “It was in 1984 when I first met…” Change to “I was 21 when I first met…” or even better, “When I first met…”
17. Jumping through time and place in the space of a few paragraphs is too jarring. Never say “after all.” SHOW, DON’T TELL.
18. Read your writing aloud to identify clunky passages, clichés, and odd rhythms.
19. Remove dialogue tags! Reduce gerunds and participles.
20. Edit and revise ruthlessly. Delete what the reader doesn’t really need to know.
21. Make dialogue sound authentic. Don’t let characters recap what the reader already knows. Never use the “as you know, Bob” device to inform readers.

Thanks, Susan. I’m doing my Killer First Page workshop at Write on the Sound in October, and I suspect I’ll be seeing a lot of these same shortcomings.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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© 2017 Ray Rhamey

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Ask the Flogger

I hope to expand what I can do for you with a continuing Ask the Flogger opportunity for writers to ask for help or feedback on any issue in their writing they’re dealing with, and not limited to first pages. I can be a sounding board for you to bounce things off of. And I'm sure FtQ readers will chip in, as well.

If there’s a narrative problem you’re facing, ask about it. It can have anything to do with creating successful fiction—writing itself, self-editing, characterization, story, you name it. If I don’t have a good answer, I’ll say so—as an editor, my role is to tell the truth.

Let’s Start Today

Please, use comments to spell out a question. I’ll put up reminders in forthcoming posts so we can continue the conversation. It may be that a good question will lead to a later, longer post on the art and craft of compelling storytelling.

So. What’s happening on your writing front that you could use some input on?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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© 2017 Ray Rhamey

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 94: Anna Castle

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter from an historical novel, Murder by Misrule: A Fancis Bacon Mystery. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?

Westminster, 19 November 1586

A sudden roar startled Francis Bacon out of his thoughts, making him jump, his shoes actually leaving the ground. He glanced to either side, hoping no one had seen him. Of course, the street was empty. The roar came from the cheers rising from the tiltyard where all of London celebrated Queen's Day with jousting and pageants. The world and its wife were there today, including everyone who mattered at court. Everyone, therefore, except him.

He didn't know why he'd come down to Westminster. He should have stayed in his chambers at Gray's, reading in the blissful peace of the deserted inn. He needed exercise, he'd said to himself. Stretch his legs, catch a breath of air. Once he was out, he'd thought he might drop by Burghley House in hopes of gaining a moment with his uncle, the Lord Treasurer and Her Majesty's most indispensable counselor. He knew His Lordship would not be at the tiltyard. He rarely took time off from work and disliked noisy spectacles. Francis didn't much care for them either. Sweaty people, filthy grounds, ear-splitting roars like the one that had just startled him. Dreadful. He shuddered to think of it.

His uncle had refused to see him. The secretary offered a transparent excuse about heaps of letters and an aching head. One did not need the deductive gifts of a Bacon to recognize that he was persona non grata at Burghley House as well. All he'd done was have an idea — a perfectly reasonable idea for reforming the English common law — and mention it here and (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This book averaged 4 out of 5 stars on Amazon. I decided to sample it because I enjoy both historical fiction and mysteries. After reading the first page, once again I wondered why writers squander the opportunity to engage a reader by delivering info dumps instead of story, particularly when in the form of a flashback.

By the end of the page, we’ve learned something about this character’s station and his uncle, but the conflict with the uncle is over and done. No tension there. I suspect the backstory about the uncle serves little purpose in this chapter because, just around the corner, is a murder, which is what the book is supposedly about. While the voice and writing are good, and the era interesting, no page turn for me.

But there could have been.Following is a paragraph from a page or so later. I see no reason that this couldn’t have been the second paragraph on the opening page. A poll follows—would you have been more likely to turn the page after reading this?

He turned a sharp corner and stumbled onto a soft mass. Backing up, looking down, a gasp of horror choked his throat. The mass was a man, dead, sprawled across the middle of the lane in a pool of wet dirt. Wet with blood, which Francis had walked right into. If he'd been paying attention, he would have smelled it first: the tang of fresh blood was unmistakable. He backed off a few paces and checked his boots, a thoughtless act he immediately repented. The poor man, whoever he was, deserved his first consideration.

So, what about an editor?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.