Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a later poll concerning the need for an editor.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter from Yucatan Dead, billed as a thriller. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?
THE STENCH OF decay rose from the unforgiving mattress as I shifted to a sitting position. My breath caught as sharp pain lanced through my body from the effort. I ran my hands over my torso, checking for injuries.
Good, no blood.
The watery gray light from a high window covered in metal bars illuminated the block walls that formed my prison. Musty air gave way to a whiff of mold and mildew, reminding me of an old flooded cellar. The thugs who brought me here had masks over their faces and smelled of stale cerveza and garlic, a familiar and unwelcome aroma.
Judging by what I saw in the short trip from the cargo van to the hulking concrete building, I was somewhere in the tropics. Dieffenbachia and philodendron grew in wild profusion while aggressive vines climbed stately royal palms, choking the life out of them. The air oozed damp.
How the hell did you wind up here, Kate? Abduction wasn't an entirely foreign event in my life, it's just that it hadn't happened in a while. Groggy from drugs and a vomit-inducing flight tied up in the back of a Cessna, pictures of a woman with short, blonde hair and familiar green eyes skated through my mind. Tired and disoriented, I couldn't catch and hold the images to remember her name.
This book averaged a strong 4.7 out of 5 stars on Amazon. I cheated a little on this one—I’d like to find something that signals a good read, so I checked out the Amazon reviews looking for a clue. This one had a number of positive comments, so I thought we should give it a try.
Right off the start, the writing and voice are that of a pro, which is promising. The scene is set immediately and clearly, and briefly—there’s all we need. And then the narrator gets right into her troubles. They sound serious. While we don’t know the actual stakes, they’re generally pretty high in a kidnapping. Especially one in Mexico or Central or South America.
The character is likable and strong, too—she doesn’t panic or act weak. Instead, she has the strength to be calm and assess her situation. I definitely want to know what happens next. I like this writer and, in this case, the free novel may well draw me into buying another of hers if this story is a promising as it seems. And this writer doesn’t, based on just one page, need an editor. What do you think?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a later poll concerning the need for an editor.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter from Puss without Boots, billed as a retelling of the old fairytale. Would you read on? Should this author have hired an editor?
The cat stares at me from his perch on the windowsill. His fluffy, golden tail twitches back and forth like a pendulum, and I squirm under his gaze. Even when I look away, his green eyes never leave me.
Sunlight shines through slits in the closed shutters, and dust motes dance in the air. It’s daytime; he should be in the mill, catching mice. But, as if he knows Mildred’s dying, he waits with us.
Before my eccentric aunt fell ill, she would talk to the cat—have real conversations with him. She’d even answer like he was actually speaking to her. It was the strangest thing. Disconcerting and unnatural.
My brothers, Thomas and Eugene, sit at the table with their hats clutched in their hands as we wait. The village doctor has been in Mildred’s room all afternoon. When we woke this morning and found her barely breathing, we didn’t expect her to make it past noon. It’s nearing evening now.
The tiny cottage is too still. I’d like to open the shutters and let in the warm spring air, but the darkness feels right for the occasion.
Needing something to distract me from the cat’s intense stare, I pick up my darning from the basket next to my chair. Eugene, the eldest of us, ripped his best shirt last week. Unlike the (snip)
This book averaged a strong 4.8 out of 5 stars on Amazon. I sorta had to take a look as I’ve written a novel featuring a cat, The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles, and am writing a sequel to that story. Don’t go astray here, though, this story has nothing to do with vampires.
It’s a retelling of the Puss ‘N Boots fairy tale (I don’t remember how it goes) and, having recently read a re-imagining of Cinderella and enjoying it, I wanted to give it a try.
The voice and writing are just fine, professional in caliber. The scene is set nicely, and characters are introduced with clarity. Something is happening, even though it’s only waiting for sad news. But what of story questions? The only one I see is when will the aunt die. There’s not a lot to make you wonder what will happen next as there are no consequences to the characters when she does pass away. I think the book relies too much on the retelling aspect and not enough on creating tension.
As a first page, I give it a pass. But, because of the aforementioned vampire kitty-cat, I will read on a little to see if it becomes more interesting. That’s the subjective aspect of what we readers do—view a story through the prism of our own lives. A personal filter can make an opening more compelling than what’s on the surface. What do you think about the need for an editor?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a later poll concerning the need for an editor.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the prologue from The Irish Cottage, billed as “women’s fiction.” Should this author have hired an editor?
Dear Lizzie, If you’re reading this, it means I’ve gone off into the great unknown. My last great adventure. I’m writing this on the first day of the New Year. The doctor said I have a few weeks, maybe.
I suppose I should apologize for not telling you, but you know it isn’t in my nature—especially since I’m rarely wrong. And, as usual, you have been incredibly busy; I don’t want our remaining time to be spent on specialists and hospitals and you trying to fix everything. I’m just old Lizzie. Almost ninety is, well, almost ninety. We had a good run, kiddo. I could go on and make this a dramatic goodbye, filled with all the horse manure people expect you to put into a goodbye message, but I didn’t put pen to paper to communicate pleasantries from beyond the grave.
This letter is for three things: 1) explaining the other letters, 2) kicking your uptight hiney into gear, and 3) apologizing for keeping a promise.
I have written you seventeen letters including this one. You know I was never one to hold anything back—always told you exactly what I was thinking. The thing is, I think I did hold back just a little, either because I didn’t think you could hear me or because I thought you would find your own way eventually. But here I am at the end and I honestly don’t know if you will find the way out by yourself—while you’re still young. So here I am stacking the deck, making sure you (snip)
This book averaged 4.4 out of 5 stars on Amazon. This opening, even though a prologue, is a good example of the power of a strong first-person voice to deliver good story questions without a lot of action, dialogue, and all that other scene/story stuff.
The voice is so inviting that I was sorry to learn that this character was dead, but there are more letters to read, so she’s not entirely gone. And she promises a story about a young woman she cares for that she sees as in trouble. Perhaps because I was engaged with the letter-writer, I was ready to engage with the Lizzie character she’s writing to. I want to find out more about what her trouble is, and what she can do about it. So I read on in this prologue, not something I usually do. I can tell you that there were even more and better promises of a good story revealed, and I think I’ll give this one a try. There is a romance element, which is fine with me—I edit women’s fiction and romantic suspense novels--but there’s a story beyond that to hear, too. What do you think about the need for an editor?
Today my wife and I are celebrating the arrival of a new grandson, Malcom Owen Rhamey, born to our son and his wife yesterday. So another human story is ready to be writ on this wiggling bit of tabula rasa, and we couldn't be happier.
I did look at BookBub items for a flogging, but just didn't find anything interesting or inviting enough to spend time on. So join me in celebration of a birth, submit your first chapter for flogging, and have a fine day.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a later poll concerning the need for an editor.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter from Let Us Prey. Should this author have hired an editor?
When you work as a private detective, there are two things that are certain; you’ll be bored nearly to death by a long stakeout, and you’ll have to pee at some time during that stakeout. I was approaching the “have to pee” stage when my cell phone rang.
“Speak to me.”
“Nice, very professional,” Charles said.
“I try. What’s up?”
“I’ve got Jackie coming to relieve you. I have sort of an emergency at the office. The client is on her way now.” There was an undertone to Charles’s voice that put me on alert.
Before I could respond, he hung up.
I’m Mimi Capurro, and I own Gotcha Detective Agency. We’re a fledgling agency on the Central Coast of California. I’m a former Secret Service agent. I left the job to start a family with my husband, Dominic, but the family plans hit a major road block when Dominic died in a plane crash a year after we married. Gotcha is my way of trying to move on, and I’ve put all of my time and energy into growing the business. Some days are easier than others.
Charles Parks is my right-hand man. He’s from the Naval Postgraduate School in Monterey, California. I met him while I was protecting a former first lady. Charles is not only one of my best friends, but he’s a genius with computers, business, and defense.
This book averaged 4.3 out of 5 stars on Amazon. The writing is fine, and the voice is likable. So let’s look for tension, for story questions. First story question: how will she be able to pee? Second story question: will Jackie get there in time to relieve her so she can relieve herself. These story questions may be compelling for Mimi because she needs to pee, but not so much for me.
And then, after introducing this dilemma to stir up we readers, what happens? We dive into an info dump. Writers, this is not something you want to do when trying to engage a reader, IMO. Interesting things happen later, but I would never get there. For some people, the touch of humor in the voice might be enough to get a page-turn, but not me. What do you think about the need for an editor?
Head on over to Writer Unboxed today to see finalists in the Writer Unboxed "compelling narrative" contest and vote. There are some fun entries. Click here.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a later poll concerning the need for an editor.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the prologue from Traitor’s Masque. Should this author have hired an editor?
No expense was spared, at least not where anyone could see. Black velvet shrouded the gold-inlaid casket, cloaked the silent forms of the pallbearers, and muffled the hooves of the matched sable cobs that drew the funeral caisson. Despite the cold of winter, crimson roses fell in a blanket over the coffin’s lid, strewed the cobblestones with their petals, and nestled fashionably in the arms of the grieving family.
The wake had been lavish and well attended, more out of curiosity and avarice than fond memory. Lord Percival Colbourne had begun with money and ended with more, well on the way to realizing his dream of building a merchant empire. Though his fortunes had suffered of late from the political climate, he had remained both a prominent figure in commerce and a notably doting father until the last moments of his regrettably shortened life. But when the usually hale Lord Percival succumbed suddenly to ague, he left behind far more of interest to the world than he took from it. Four unprotected women were his legacy, women now in mourning, but all with a potential share in the wealth and prospects of a rich and influential man.
Lady Malisse Colbourne was his widow, a petite blonde beauty nearer thirty than forty. She seemed far too young, too delicate, and too innocent to have not one but two daughters approaching marriageable age. Anya and Darya, fourteen and thirteen, as blonde and blue-eyed as their mother, were considered heirs to both her impeccable form and her exquisite sense of (snip)
This series averaged 4.7 out of 5 stars on Amazon. It’s billed as a “reimagining” of the Cinderella story. The writing, imagery, and vice are top-notch, I think. It certainly does a good job of setting the scene and the world of the story. But, for me, it lacks heart.
By lacking heart, I mean a character that I connect with. As far as this opening goes, it’s basically a well done info dump. But there was a character waiting just a few lines on that I would have been happy to see and read more of. For me, if the author had included the following part from just a little later in the narrative, I’d have turned the page for sure. Because of the skill of the writer, I will be reading more (the nice part about a free book). See what you think, a poll accompanies it.
Trystan Embrie Colbourne had thrown herself onto the caisson with the casket and refused to be moved. Her chestnut curls were snarled and her face was a wreck of redness and tears, but she pressed it to the cold black lid with a scandalous ferocity of grief. Her father, friend, and only family was dead, and the world was without light or color.
For me, the addition of that snippet brings a sympathetic character into the story, someone who faces trouble ahead. Cutting down on some of the initial exposition to include this, or even perhaps starting with the girl throwing herself on the casket, could have made a much more gripping opening. What do you think about the need for an editor?
Get on over to Writer Unboxed today for a change to win a Freewrite. All the rules are there, but it's simple: you have today to submit, via comments, a 200-word opening to a novel, new work encouraged. There will be polling on Thursday for the finalists via polls like you see here on FtQ. I'm one of the two judges, and this could be fun.
Today’s flog is of the introductory book in a series I’ve read but hadn’t critiqued. More on this after you’ve dealt with the first page.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a later poll concerning the need for an editor.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter from The Emporer’s Edge. Should this author have hired an editor?
Note: an alternative with another poll follows my comments on this page.
Corporal Amaranthe Lokdon paced. Her short sword, night stick, and handcuffs bumped and clanked at her thighs with each impatient step. Enforcer Headquarters frowned down at her, an ominous gray cliff of a building that glowered at the neighborhood like a turkey vulture, except with less charisma.
Amaranthe drew her pocket watch and checked the time. Where was her partner?
At the soft squeak of boots on snow, she looked up. A narrow side street expelled a squat, burly man in enforcer grays. Morning light glinted against the large brass rank pins crowding his collar: four bars under two crossed swords, the mark of a district chief.
Amaranthe fought back a grimace and straightened, heels clicking together. The chief’s dark gaze latched onto her from beneath shaggy gray eyebrows that crashed in the middle when he scowled. He was scowling now.
She swallowed. “Good morning, Chief Gunarth.”
“Lokdon,” he growled. “Does the city pay you to loiter in front of headquarters? Because if the capital city of the Turgonian Empire, the most powerful nation in the world, pays its enforcers to loiter uselessly in front of my headquarters building, I’d think somebody would have mentioned it to me.”
Amaranthe opened her mouth to give him an obedient “yes, sir.” Or was it a “no, sir”?
This novel averaged 4.4 out of 5 stars on Amazon. It will be interesting to see if this first page will be able to pull you into reading more of what I found, when I discovered it some months ago. As for this first page, the writing is just fine, and the action introduces what appears to be a likable character. It would appear that she’s in a little trouble . . . and that’s the problem. There doesn’t seem to be much at stake here, nothing other than being dressed down by a superior officer. I wouldn’t have turned the page.
Instead, I was drawn into this steampunk world with a saucy, delightful protagonist by the blurb on Amazon:
Imperial law enforcer Amaranthe Lokdon is good at her job: she can deter thieves and pacify thugs, if not with a blade, then by toppling an eight-foot pile of coffee canisters onto their heads. But when ravaged bodies show up on the waterfront, an arson covers up human sacrifices, and a powerful business coalition plots to kill the emperor, she feels a tad overwhelmed.
I’ll tell you how good this is—the freebie I downloaded had the first three novels in a series of nine. Little to risk. However, after I read them, I paid for book 4, and enjoyed it as much. Today, reminded of this heroine and her fascinating world and gang of characters, I’ve just bought the fifth book in the series.
So below is an alternative opening taken from later in the chapter. See if you think it’s more likely to get you to turn the page.
Amaranthe strode through the shop’s front door. Barrels and canisters cluttered the aisles, and stuffed shelves rose from floor to ceiling on each wall. The scent of tea leaves and coffee beans from distant parts of the world soared above the pervading smell of smoke. Her strongbox open, the merchant was clutching a stack of bills. Her eyes brightened when she saw Amaranthe’s uniform.
Two men towered over the shopkeeper. The huge brutes were only a couple feet shorter than the floor-to-ceiling stack of coffee tins fronting the aisle behind them.
“Well, well,” one man said, nudging his cohort, “it looks like a girl enforcer. We’re very concerned.”
His comrade snickered. Scars lined the faces of both men. Swords hung in belt scabbards, the hilts’ sweat-stained leather wrappings evidence of frequent use. One thug shifted to reveal a flintlock pistol aimed at the merchant. Apparently, he did not consider Amaranthe enough of a threat to warrant switching his target. Indignation flared and her hand twitched toward her sword. She caught herself before she acted foolishly. After all, it was better not to have a weapon pointed at her chest.
“Gentlemen,” Amaranthe said, “this robbery is over. If you put down your weapons and submit to being detained, perhaps I can speak to the magistrate on your behalf. Your possession (snip) /p>
Submissions sought.Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.
Melissa sends the first chapter of a historical novel, The Lost Life of Trudi Koenig. The rest of the chapter follows the break.
October, 1945
Lincoln, Nebraska
Winter was coming. That afternoon, as she rode her bicycle to the bakery where she worked, Trudi felt its warning in the gray clouds slicing the sky and in the ominous chill cutting through her scarf. Her instinct, honed by years of living in war-torn Berlin, demanded she prepare for the coming season and start hoarding food, fuel, blankets, and whatever else she needed. Yet here, people were out raking leaves and cleaning gutters, putting fat pumpkins and bundles of dried cornstalks on their front porches and cooling apple pies on window sills.
But they hadn’t experienced hunger and cold like she had. They hadn’t crouched in a bombed out building thick with frost and scrounged for scraps of bread, or boiled bones for the fourth time to try and coax some kind of broth out of them. They hadn’t run in terror when more Allied planes dropped their bombs. Americans didn’t know what war was really like.
Panic twisted inside her. And she, who had survived the war by some miracle, knew exactly what it was like. And how was she preparing for the coming winter? By leaving the safety and security of Max’s home. How stupid could she be?
From somewhere, a surge of rebellion rose in her. “Not stupid,” she muttered. Determined. Motivated. The desire to be independent, to live her own life again on her terms, was not a stupid goal. It was a necessary one. No more relying on others for handouts, for protection and safety. She needed to know she could do this, that she could live a life without (snip)
I like the writing here. and the narrative definitely introduces a strong, likable character. It promises an interesting look at a key time in our history, and a look at the life of a refugee from Germany. Yeah, it opens with the weather, but the narrative quickly makes it matter in the world of the character. But is it compelling, or mostly interesting?
I think there’s a way to do a stronger job of engaging the reader. Below is a “first page” taken from later in the chapter. I think this could serve as the opening and then, after she leaves work with a problem threatening her, the earlier information could be woven in as she prepares to deal with this new threat. A poll follows. See what you think.
Trudi sat at the bakery’s long wood work table, adding sugar violet roses and swirls of piped icing to a batch of vanilla petit fours when Gretchen came sailing through the swinging door that led to the front of the store.
“There’s a man here to see you.”
She set down the icing tube and tried to stem the unease blooming in her chest.
“Who is it?”
Gretchen shrugged. “I don’t know. Never seen him before.”
“What does he want?”
“He didn’t say. Sheesh. Why don’t you just go talk to him?”
It was easy for the American girl not to take this seriously when she’d never had the ‘privilege’ of living in Nazi Germany and knowing that men who came by unannounced seldom had good news – or good intentions.
The old trepidation and fear returned. In truth, it never left. She peeked through the swinging door and saw a reed-thin man, his black jacket sleeves straining to cover his wrists, standing in front of the glass cabinets with their empty shelves. His overcoat was slung over his arm, pants neatly pressed, shoes shined to perfection. Every inch of him screamed police.
Mein Gott. She shut the door and turned to Gretchen. “Tell him I’m not here.”
I like the looks of this story, and it would be great to read more.