Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1023 for Cathy—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought.Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.

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Chris sends the first chapter of an untitled mystery. The rest of the chapter follows the break.

A girlfriend once told Darius Scarlett he had the gift of a heightened sense of smell. Sure, he could smell gas leaks before the sensors did and sulfur before a match was struck. He could even tell if a woman was willing from five bar stools away. A gift, maybe. But not today.

The other detectives already sat at tables in the briefing room. The air, heated by afternoon sunlight, was ripe with clashing odors. McMann’s cigars, a strong horse-shit stink; Warren's last meal, heavy on the garlic; Madison’s feet, cheap shoes and nylon socks; Breckenridge, new dad, baby powder and barf; Doane’s faint perfume, pleasantly fresh.

Darius edged into the chair next to his partner.

“Why so late? Have a lunch date?” Kim Doane whispered.

He shrugged, winked at her. Not the right time to fill her in.

“Detective Scarlett, nice of you to join us.” Inspector Bing, who seemed to have no odor, cast a glower his way. “All right, people.” His voice, like his shirt, was crisp. He gestured at the man standing beside him. “This is Sergeant Grant from Financial Crimes.”

Grant had a face of mottled stone. “One of our detectives was murdered today.” His steely glare swept the room. “Dean Haskins was working undercover, trying to set up an arms buy. Had a wife and three kids.” He signaled to Madison. "Start the show."

The screen at the front of the room erupted in a kaleidoscope of colors and settled into a (snip)

The writing and voice are good in this opening page. We meet an interesting, though not yet empathetic, character, distinguished by his sense of smell, which should be paid off later. Since it’s a mystery, and a murder has been announced with a slide show about that murder about to happen, there was enough to warrant a page turn.

However, I wish there had been more personal involvement for the protagonist, some kind of story question concerning something wrong for him. One other thing: I felt that too many names were tossed at us in the second paragraph. Since its purpose is to show his acute sense of smell, it’s a good paragraph, but I think you’d get the point across just as well and be less cluttered if you simply deleted the names; just cite the aromas.

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2017 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2017 by Chris.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 78: Emma Salisbury

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a later poll concerning the need for an editor.

I want to report that I read the last BookBubber novel I flogged, Flash, and enjoyed it.

Next are the first 11 manuscript lines of the brief prologue of Fragile Cord. Should this author have hired an editor?

Tracey Kavanagh stroked her swollen belly absentmindedly as she reached for the drawing Kyle proudly held up for her inspection. It was three thirty on an uncomfortably hot day and the infant inside her shifted lethargically; the playground was full of red-faced mothers with excitable offspring and the sound of happy chatter reverberated around the red brick walls. </p >

She swallowed hard as she studied Kyle’s picture, her hands began to shake uncontrollably as an uneasy, anxious feeling worked its way through her chest. She could hear her heart pounding, the thump, thump, thump increasing its crescendo until it drowned out the babble from the children around her and startled her unborn child. </p >

Her troubled gaze slid to the beaming face of her ruddy-cheeked son and in that moment she knew she must kill him. </p >

Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This book received 3.7 out of 5 stars on Amazon. Ordinarily I, as many literary agents also do, skip prologues when I read novels. Of course, to do a flogging I have to read them. In this case, I was surprised. It’s an immediate scene that, though short, sure raises a powerful story question. The writing is pretty good, though it could be crisper at times. But it’s good enough, especially if the story delivers on the promise of the prologue. I turned the page.

What do you think about the need for an editor?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 77: Tim Tigner

As you’ll see, this author’s first page does a good job—so how about yours? Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a later poll concerning the need for an editor.

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Flash. Should this author have hired an editor?

TROY AWOKE to the sound of screaming. That was not unusual for a combat surgeon, but hearing soprano was.

He opened his eyes to utter blackness and a monster headache. What the hell was going on? His memory was failing him and he felt oddly unsure of … anything.

He self-diagnosed a concussion, but sensed that it was the least of his woes.

This premonition proved correct a moment later when he tried to sit up—but could not. A cold steel ceiling pressed down on his left shoulder. He also felt walls abutting his back, head and feet. As Troy strained to wrap his mind around his baffling predicament, his nose upped the ante.

Hesitant fingers groped to confirm the stench.

He was lying in a pool of blood.

Troy knew that this was the moment most people would begin to scream and flail, their fight and flight reflexes tripping all over one another. He remained motionless. Analyzing. He had learned at a very young age the wisdom of lying low and keeping quiet. In orphanages things had usually worked out better that way. In the army they still did.

He reached a steady hand into the darkness before him. Cool flesh met his bloody fingers just inches from his face. He had found the bleeder—or at least one of them. He checked the (snip)

Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow. You can turn the page here.

This book received a strong average of 4.5 out of 5 stars on Amazon. Talk about opening a story in media res! This opening page quickly raises a bunch of strong story questions involving a character who is clearly in serious trouble. And, with remarkable efficiency, the author creates likability with the character’s identity as a doctor and an orphan.

So this opening definitely earned a page turn from me. It works. However, as a writing coach, if I had been involved in this story I would have shown the author how his use of what I call “body part filters” in the narrative distances the reader from the character’s experience. This refers to “Hesitant fingers groped . . .” instead of saying “He groped . . .”

There are other little glitches that I would have called out—for example, he feels a “cold steel ceiling.” While he could conceivably perceive that it was cold, if he has clothes on there’s no way he could determine, in pitch darkness, that it was steel. That’s the author injecting himself into the story to give information, information that isn’t really necessary—what matters is that the character is trapped in a small dark place. But I do intend to read on, these are minor worries compared to the strength of this story’s beginning.

What do you think about the need for an editor?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.