Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a later poll concerning the need for an editor.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter from The Closing, a legal thriller. Should this author have hired an editor?
A prison guard ushered Nate Abbitt into a room marked Visit A – Max Sec and closed the door. The room was divided by soundproof glass, with desks snug to the pane and telephones bolted to the walls on each side. Nate sat at the desk and withdrew documents from his briefcase. He heard the crackle of lightning and felt the rumble of thunder as it passed under the cell block and subsided in the distance. He closed his eyes and ran his hand over his close-cropped gray hair.
The barred door on the other side of the divider rolled open and Kenneth Deatherage entered the room. Dressed in a khaki prison jumpsuit, he was in his mid-twenties, average height, with a round florid face and oily red hair that fell to his shoulders. Manacles were chained to his ankles and his wrists were cuffed behind his back. A guard closed and locked the door. Deatherage backed up to it, stuck his hands through the bars, and stared at Nate while the guard uncuffed him. Deatherage’s pale blue eyes betrayed no hint of the crimes he was accused of—assault, rape, murder. The guard walked away, and Deatherage sat in the chair and grabbed the phone. Nate picked up the phone on his side.
“Who are you?” Deatherage said.
“Nate Abbitt.”
“What do you want?”
You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
This book averaged 4.5 out of 5 stars on Amazon. I have mixed reactions to this opening page. While the writing is good, there are issues. I stumbled at first over the idea of the rumble of thunder, which came from lightning in the sky, as passing under the cell block. In my world, thunder has always been overhead and around me, never under me.
There’s another slip that you wouldn’t notice, but the writer missed an opportunity for more tension. The prisoner is not just accused of those crimes, he has been convicted of them. If we knew that here, that would add strength to the questions he asks and help turn them into story questions—the “who are you” and “what do you want” questions would become stronger story questions if we knew here that the guy was a convicted killer and rapist. I’m going to give this a conditional turn—the story questions raised were just enough, but the narrative had better deliver soon. And I do think the writer should have hired an editor. I also think he could have done better on the cover design.
What do you think about the need for an editor?
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.