Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a later poll concerning the need for an editor.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Dark Water. Should this author have hired an editor?
Vyalchek Ivanov, nickname Val, wondered if he should start torturing his captive now. The man was a whimpering mess already. He looked sick, eyes sunken, his forehead covered in sweat. A pallid crimson colored his cheeks, but otherwise the man’s face was white as a sheet. He wore a suit two sizes too big on him. It had been a nice suit once, but now the elbows were threadbare, the cuffs frayed. His prominent Adam’s apple bobbed over the loose collar.
Val controlled himself with an effort. The man didn’t know who he was. It was better that way. He was a businessman, looking to complete a deal. Val tried to smile and spread his hands.
“Mr. Longworth, I thought we had a deal.”
The man swallowed and opened his mouth, then closed it, like a fish out of water. He looked at the three men at the table next to them. Val’s men. His Bratok. They all wore suits and had their eyes fixed on the door. Apart from the five of them, the restaurant was empty. It belonged to one of the Bratok’s cousins. A safe place to conduct business. A waiter appeared, discreetly clearing up dishes at a table before going into the kitchen, avoiding everyone’s eyes.
“Are… are these men with you?” Philip Longworth finally spoke, his voice weak. He sniffed and wiped his nose with the back of his hand.
“They are my colleagues, yes.” Val regarded the man with distaste. What was he putting up his nose?
Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
This book received a high average of 4.7 out of 5 stars on Amazon. For me, the narrative starts out raising a good, strong story question or two. Will he torture the man? Why does he want to torture him? What’s going to happen next. Stylistically, I thought the insertion of the name/nickname was a little clunky, but we’re soon past that. So, a good scene that starts with things already happening and story questions. I turned the page on this one, and will read further. It’s nice that, for a short time, it’s free. Your thoughts?
You can turn the page and read more here.
Poll: what are your thoughts about this author needing an editor? Remember that the goal of the first page is to get you to turn it. If the narrative didn’t do that, then it didn’t work the way it needed to.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery(coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.