Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a later poll concerning the need for an editor.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the prologue for Dark Angel. Should this author have hired an editor?
Robert Thornton barely suppressed a groan as he turned his head toward the hospital room door. The slight movement shot shards of pain from the top of his head to his ribs.
“Mr. Thornton. I’m Doctor Sheila Washington. Your surgeon, Doctor Crombie, suggested I come by.”
“You . . . the shrink?” he muttered through his clenched, wired jaw.
Washington nodded and smiled. “I prefer psychiatrist, but shrink will do.”
“You’re . . . wasting time . . . here, Doctor.”
“Hmm. Perhaps we could talk for a little bit.”
Thornton shrugged and grimaced when even that little movement painfully racked his body.
“How are you feeling today?”
He pointed at his bandaged face and wired jaw. “What do you think?”
“Of course.” She paused a second, and then asked, “How do you feel about what happened?”
“I promised Doctor Crombie . . . I’d speak with you. I always . . . keep my promises. But don’t ask . . . stupid questions.”
Thornton adjusted the oxygen tube in his nostrils and tried to catch his breath.
“Keeping a promise you made to someone else isn’t the ideal motivation to meet with a psychiatrist. You should want to talk with me for your own personal reasons, not because you promised (snip)
Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
This book received a rare average of 5 out of 5 stars on Amazon. The first paragraph does a fine job of both setting the scene and introducing a character with a problem. A story question is immediately raised—why does he hurt? A likeable aspect of Robert’s character comes when he voices his problem with stupid questions—we don’t like them either, and that makes him even more sympathetic. As the extent of his injuries is shown, the story question strengthens—what happened to this guy? The interrogation by the shrink promises that we may soon get the answer to the story question, too. It was enough to make me want more. What did you think?
You can turn the page and read more here.
Poll: what are your thoughts about this author needing an editor? Remember that the goal of the first page is to get you to turn it. If the narrative didn’t do that, then it didn’t work the way it needed to.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery(coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.