Submissions sought.Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Download a free PDF copy here.
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.
Alex returns with a rewrite of the first page for Aedan Cross: The Seer’s Legacy. Alex did not want to share the rest of the chapter. The previous version is here.
For the second time that day, I almost wrote down my real name at the top of my test papers. I had to snap out of it. After so long, it wasn’t going to be my fault if they found us.
“Jay?” Mrs. Glenn was standing right next to me, looking at me with her brows knitted.
A drop of sweat trickled down my face and fell onto my test. I wanted to yell at her and tell her that wasn’t my real name. I wanted to stop all the hiding and tell her — tell everyone — that I wasn’t who they thought I was.
“Are you okay? You’re shaking.”
“I — I’m fine.” Mrs. Glenn peered at me over her glasses. But what could I tell her? That I was scared of the man in black who would show up later that day? That I was scared of him finding out who I really was and… eliminating me and Eritus?
My breathing got heavier. The lights in the classroom flickered in sync with my shaking legs. It was only a matter of time before I wouldn’t be able to hold in my anxiety, and the lights…
“If you want, dear, I could write you a pass to the nurse,” Mrs. Glenn went on. “Or maybe… you really don’t look so good. Maybe I should call an ambulance.”
“No!” I yelled, and I jumped to my feet. The lights flared dangerously above us.
Everybody looked at me, then nervously glanced at the flashing light bulbs. Of course. (snip)
I think Alex did a good job in editing his first page. It raises good story questions, and the paranormal aspect is pretty clear and interesting. So I turned the page this time. Still, there’s always a little room for improvement. A few notes:
For the second time today that day, I almost wrote down my real name at the top of my test papers. I had to snap out of it. After so long, it wasn’t going to be my fault if they found us.
“Jay?” Mrs. Glenn stood was standing right next to me, looking at me with her brows knitted.
A drop of sweat trickled down my face and fell onto my test. I wanted to yell at her and tell her that Jay wasn’t my real name. I wanted to stop all the hiding and tell her — tell everyone — that I wasn’t who they thought I was.
“Are you okay? You’re shaking.”
“I — I’m fine.” Mrs. Glenn peered at me over her glasses. But what could I tell her? That I was scared of the man in black who would show up later that day? That I was scared of him finding out who I really was and… eliminating me and Eritus? We can learn about Eritus later, when it counts. This keeps the jeopardy focused on Jay.
My breathing got heavier. The lights in the classroom flickered in sync with my shaking legs. It was only a matter of time before I wouldn’t be able to hold in my anxiety, and then the lights would—… Use an em dash for an interruption, not ellipses. Also, wanted to suggest more potential action with the lights when he loses it.
“If you want, dear, I could write you a pass to the nurse,” Mrs. Glenn went on. “Or maybe… you really don’t look so good. Maybe I should call an ambulance.”
“No!” I yelled, and I jumped to my feet. The lights flared dangerously above us. Adverbial phrases just don't make good description. And what is a "dangerous" flare, anyway? The fact that they're flaring is all we need to know something weird is going on.
Everybody looked at me, then nervously glanced at the flashing light bulbs. Of course. "nervously glanced" is weak description. For example: Everybody looked at me, then darted quick little glances at the flashing . . . That's not great, but the idea is to show us, not tell us with an adverbial phrase. (snip)
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2017 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2017 by E.J. Hinze.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.