Submissions sought.Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Download a free PDF copy here.
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.
E.J. sends a “prelude” and first chapter of a short story titledFloat Away. The rest of the submission follows after the break.
Prelude
It wasn’t supposed to end like this.
It was an innocent idea, by a seemingly innocent group of high school teenagers that wanted to blow off some steam.
None of them could have ever guessed it would have turned out like this; not in a million years.
It was a bleak Friday afternoon when the idea was suggested at the lunch table. All four heads turned in the direction of their dear friend Jay who was smiling widely at them, “What do you guys think?” He asked.
Jay, being Jay of course, was the one that came up with the brilliant idea. He suggested that they all get together over the weekend and write their deepest darkest secret on a piece of paper, and they’d attach them to a balloon and release them into the sky that Sunday.
“I think it’s an awful idea,” Danielle - or Dani - as she liked to go by, said with a mouthful of food. Small pieces of chewed meatloaf sprayed onto Heathers lunch tray. She made a face and set her fork down, suddenly feeling less hungry than she had previously.
“Why? We’ve all been stressed lately. I think we all need to let go of some steam,” Jay retorted, folding his arms across his chest and leaning back in his chair. “Besides, haven’t you ever wanted to get your deepest darkest secret off your chest?”
Chapter 1
Sunday, 6:46pm.
They all decided to meet up at the park near Jay’s house, since he would be the one supplying the balloons. The plan was to hang around a bit before the sun began to depart from the sky, and then let our secrets fly.
Afterwards, we would all go for a celebratory round to Sonic, on Jay of course.
Heather bit her lip as she stared down at the piece of paper in her hand. As she read the words over and over, she began to think this may have been a bad idea. What if one of them actually read this? She would never be able to live it down.
But, weren’t they her closest friends?
Why did she feel like she needed to hide?
She let her lip go as a horn sounded from her drive way. She quickly folded the piece of paper back up and slipped it into her purse. She slipped on a pair of flats and shouted bye to her parents before dashing out of the house and over to the car.
Bradley’s red Chevy was pulled up into her driveway with Imogen and Dani already in the backseat. The door to the passenger seat was already open, inviting her over. Since they were all going to Sonic afterwards, they figured they would just take one car. No one but Bradly and Dani knew how to drive anyway, but this was still easiest.
The writing is okay, though for me it could be crisper. For example, there’s no need, storywise, to include that Dani is a nickname for Danielle. A clarity note: the narrative says they'll attach all the secrets to one balloon, but the story has them using individual balloons, which makes more sense.
I do think the idea of revealing deep dark secrets gives rise to an interesting story question. But, for me, all the foreshadowing (telling) is an effort to tell us that this is an interesting story. I think it would be better to simply immerse us in the point of view of a protagonist in the scene, stir up some conflict, add some stakes—for example, the protagonist, through inner monologue, could share with the reader a hurtful consequence of sharing her secret—and then get on with the story. Try it without all the foretelling and see what happens.
In the chapter, there is some overwriting/overthinking: for example, there’s no need to explain the reason they’re all taking one car, just get them in the car and get going. There’s no story reason for this explanation. More than that, skip the car part and start with them at the park, jump right into the meaty stuff.
For me, since we’re in deep third person, I think we should be reading the words of the secret along with Heather. For one thing, the reader will know what it is that frightens her, and that could create empathy. Also, she could signal a consequence with more at stake than never living it down. Sure, embarrassment can momentarily feel fatal to a teenager, but there’s no real jeopardy there. Give us some clues as to what troublesome thing awaits Heather if she does this. In other words, I think the story is trying to tell us that it’s compelling rather than taking us into a world and an experience that is compelling. Take a look at just being in the story and giving us something to chew on and some serious stakes. I’ll admit to being curious, but didn’t feel involved in a compelling way.
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2017 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2017 by E.J. Hinze.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Continued:
“I think that’s the point of having a ‘deepest darkest secret’. No one ever finds out about it,” Imogen said from the end of the table, popping a strawberry into her mouth.
Bradly sat across from her, flickering his attention from her over to Jay, “I agree, besides, that’s what parties are for. You go, get wasted, maybe hook up with some people, and wake up the next morning feeling completely refreshed. “He grinned, tossing back the rest of his milk and crushing the box. Imogen chuckled quietly and Heather rolled her eyes.
“We won’t write our names on them though! It will be completely anonymous, and everyone will have the same colored balloons. No one will ever know it was ours. Besides, what’s the worst that can happen? Letting a secret like that go actually feeling good?” He said, looking over at Heather with pleading eyes.
It suddenly registered to her that she was the only one that hadn’t spoken yet.
She had to admit, the idea did sound kind of cute. She liked the idea of writing one of her most troubling secrets and letting it, quite literally, float away. “I don’t think it’s a terrible idea,” she shrugged, “It does sound kind of relieving if you think about it.”
Everyone aside from her and Jay looked down at their trays.
Jay sighed, “Come on guys, please? It will be fun!”
Finally, Imogen looked up and sucked her bottom lip between her teeth. “If Heather thinks its a good idea, then I guess it can’t be all that bad,” she said and smiled, looking at Heather from the corner of her eye. “I’m in.”
Jay did a fist pump in the air, looking over at Dani and Bradly expectantly. Bradly groaned and pushed his tray away from himself, “I guess if you all are doing it, I should join in.” He leaned his chin on his fist and glanced over at Imogen who was beaming at her friends.
That left Dani, who looked around at all of them and rolled her eyes, folding her arms across her chest and huffing, “Fine.”
Jay bounced up out of his chair, dancing in place, causing the students around them to look over and laugh. Heather erupted into a fit of giggles as Jay danced around like a monkey who was just given a lifetime supply of bananas.
A good idea, they thought.
A way to let their worries, float away.
Little did they know, that was the last thing their worries would do.
Little did they know, their worries were here to stay.
Chapter One;
Sunday
Sunday, 6:46pm.
They all decided to meet up at the park near Jay’s house, since he would be the one supplying the balloons. The plan was to hang around a bit before the sun began to depart from the sky, and then let our secrets fly.
Afterwards, we would all go for a celebratory round to Sonic, on Jay of course.
Heather bit her lip as she stared down at the piece of paper in her hand. As she read the words over and over, she began to think this may have been a bad idea. What if one of them actually read this? She would never be able to live it down.
But, weren’t they her closest friends?
Why did she feel like she needed to hide?
She let her lip go as a horn sounded from her drive way. She quickly folded the piece of paper back up and slipped it into her purse. She slipped on a pair of flats and shouted bye to her parents before dashing out of the house and over to the car.
Bradley’s red Chevy was pulled up into her driveway with Imogen and Dani already in the backseat. The door to the passenger seat was already open, inviting her over. Since they were all going to Sonic afterwards, they figured they would just take one car. No one but Bradly and Dani knew how to drive anyway, but this was still easiest.
Heather slipped into the front seat and shut the door behind her, setting her small black purse in her lap and adjusting her pink tube top.
Bradley eyed her from the side, “You look hot,”
Heather rolled her eyes and reached over, punching him in the shoulder.
“Hey, hey, no hitting the designated driver, or someone will be walking to Sonic,” He smirked.
“Yeah, yeah, just drive you pervert,” Heather shot back, laughing slightly as he held his hands up in surrender and pulled out of her driveway.
Heather began to space out on the short drive over to the park. The sound of Imogen and Dani talking about something - probably arguing actually - in the backseat in the background. She suddenly became very aware of the slip of paper in her purse, causing a sinking feeling to grow in the pit of her stomach.
She choose to ignore it.
Before she knew it, they had arrived at the park. When they pulled into the parking lot, they could see a faint figure holding 5 balloons above his head off in the distance of the field. Everyone jumped out of the car; Bradley and Dani decided to have a race to see who could reach Jay the fastest, leaving Imogen and Heather to walk over together.
“You nervous?” Imogen asked suddenly, slipping the tips of her fingers into her pocket.
Heather glanced at her friend from the side, “No…yes…maybe? I’m not sure,” she sighed, “But I’m sure it will be fine. Jay always knows what he’s doing,”
They both looked ahead as Dani managed to reach Jay first, but only by tripping Bradley in the process. Bradly caught up moments later and began to yell at her as she stood triumphantly with her hands on her hips; laughing.
Imogen and Heather found themselves both chuckling as they walked up to the other three.
They all joked around for a bit longer before the sun actually began to touch the horizon line in the sky. It was then, Jay cleared his throat.
“If you would all please take out your pieces of paper, “He said and slipped his own hand into his pocket, pulling out a small folded sheet of paper with a hole on the top.
Heather reached into her own pocket, slipping out the small sheet she had been fondling earlier. She gripped it in her fingers hard, turning her nails white. Everyone else did the same, and Jay began to pass out the balloons.
Each balloon was the same cherry red color as he handed each one of them a balloon. Heather looped the end of the string through the hole in her paper and tied a knot twice, securing it in place.
Once everyone had their notes attached to their balloons, Jay held up a hand, “Wait. Before you all let them go, I’d like to say a few words,”
“What is this, a funeral?” Bradley laughed, rolling his neck.
Jay glared at him, but continued, “We gathered here today with one sole purpose. To let something go. To set our secrets free, and to never be seen again,” His eyes ran over each of his dearest friends as they held their balloons with tight fingers. “Here’s to a lighter, carefree outlook!” He jumped up in the air, and let his balloon slip out of his hand.
The rest of them followed in suit, and let their deepest secret slip straight through their grasp.
The sun was about halfway set on the horizon as all five of them watched their cherry red balloons float into the sky, further and further away from the safety of their heads. They gathered in a small half circle, jumping and shouting as the wind carried them further and further until they began to disappear over the heads of the houses one by one.
Bradley was the first one to break the silence, clapping Heather and Jay on the back at the same time, “Well now that that’s over, how about we go to Sonic, yeah? I’m starved.”
“Not more than me!” Dani groaned, wrapping her arms around her stomach, “I’m so hungry I could eat the entire football team!”
Bradley smirked over at her as the group began to walk back towards his car, “Oh yeah? Is that a bet Conway?”
Dani mirrored his smirk, “You know it,”
The group hooped and hollered as they raced back to the car, the promise of a lighter feeling beginning to show its head for all of them.
That night, they gorged themselves on cheese burgers and chili fries from their favorite diner, jamming out to the tunes in the old jukebox that sat outside of the kitchen. Jay danced around the table, waving French fries around him, throwing the Chile everywhere.
Heather and Imogen screamed as chili came pouring down onto them, but laughed soon afterwards. Dani was laughing so hard, Bradley swore he saw a French fry poke its head out of her nose.
And for a brief moment, everything was complete and utter bliss.
Little did Heather know, that was all about to change.
—
10:57pm
Heather smiled as she walked up to her house, thinking back to her night at Sonic with her friends. She smelled of chili and fried foods, but she could care less. She was on cloud nine.
She decided to get off at Dani’s house and walk home from there, saving Bradley the gas of driving a few blocks further. She wanted the fresh air anyway, if anything to try and air out her clothes.
Her flats were digging into the skin on the sides of her feet and she did her best to ignore the throbbing pain coming from her heels with every step against the hard pavement.
The air was moist, almost like the sky was getting ready to pour, and the sound of cicadas buzzed around her matching with the beat of her feet on the pavement. She swayed her way around the corner as she turned down her street, stopping suddenly at the sight in front of her.
Across the next street over, in one of the tallest trees, sat a cherry red balloon stuck in between the tree branches.
She brought her palms to her eyes, rubbing them and blinking rapidly before looking again.
It was still there.
She gulped and clenched her fists, looking around her. She didn’t see any signs of her mischievous friends, so this wasn’t a prank. One of the balloons was right in front of her, sitting proudly in the tree.
What were the chances it was hers?
She bit her lip, she couldn’t very well leave it out here. Someone could come by and notice it, taking it down and reading the note. Then what?
What if someone from school found it?
Her heart began to beat at a rapid pace as she quickly crossed the street and jogged over to the tree. She looked up and saw the bottom a piece of paper dangling over her head. The balloon was fairly high up, but the string reached down pretty far. Heather stretched up onto her tip toes, reaching for the end of the paper that was attached
Her finger tips barely grazed the edge of the paper. She stretched further, jumping slightly. After her second attempt at jumping, she finally felt the cool texture of the paper slip between her fingers as she pulled it down. The balloon came down, parts of it wrinkled severely deflated.
What kind of helium did Jay put in these?
She shook her head and put the balloon under her arm, fast walking home.
Questions buzzed around in her head as her legs picked up their pace. All she could focus on was her curiosity.
Whose paper was it?
They had decided to not put their names on them, didn’t they? So even if she peaked at what the note said, she wouldn’t know whose it was.
She chewed on her lower lip as her house came into view. She stopped a few houses down and pulled the balloon out from under her arm, gripping the piece of paper in her hand.
Just one peak.
She yanked the paper free from the string, putting the balloon back under her arm and unfolding the paper. Her heart immediately sank as regret began to fill her stomach.
I’m in love with Heather Jennings.