Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1017 for Shifra—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought.Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.

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Shifra brings us chapter 1 of Cupid Proof. The rest of the chapter follows the break.

As I turned round the corner and pedalled into Cosy Brook Road, I couldn't wipe off the grin on my face. The phone call from minutes ago was still replaying in my ears, sending waves of happiness inside me. After three long years, Aaron was going to be home! My mind began formulating prank after prank, each one getting rejected by the inner critic. I choked on a laugh. Impatience sparked inside me and I thought my legs would go sore, but I was growing closer to my brother's Mitsubishi Mirage parked only a few metres away.

I looked behind me twice, checking if my bike fell or not during my hurry to park it. Breathing in the smell of the damp grass from the rain this morning, I opened the door and stepped inside home.

I was greeted by the smell of freshly cooked spaghetti which made my mouth water. There was a heap of suitcases and trekking bags, backpacks and cardboard boxes between the door and the stairs. I found myself shaking my head as I walked past that into the kitchen.

"Which one of you passed down that trait to Aaron?" I said, walking up to the kitchen counter and pouring myself a cold glass of water. The steam from the rice cooker beside me had turned the air near me humid.

"I would say, probably your Dad." Mom replied, pulling out a sieve from the drawer. I made my way over to her and took it from her, while she picked up the pot and poured it (snip)

I like the fact that we’re dropped into an immediate scene and that something is happening. Unfortunately, for me clarity issues soon took over the narrative. The jump cut from riding a bike to checking to see if it has fallen is probably from the common writer syndrome of seeing it all in their mind without getting it on the page. More than that, this (and the rest of the chapter) seems to contain a lot of setup and backstory. There’s overwriting, too (humidity from cooking rice, for example). I think this narrative needs to start where something happens to cause trouble for the narrator. A few notes:

As I turned round the corner and pedalled into Cosy Brook Road, I couldn't wipe off the grin on my face. The phone call from minutes ago was still replaying in my ears, sending waves of happiness inside me. After three long years, Aaron was going to be home! My mind began formulating prank after prank, each one getting rejected by the inner critic. I choked on a laugh. Impatience sparked inside me and I thought my legs would go sore, but I was growing closer to my brother's Mitsubishi Mirage parked only a few metres away.

I looked behind me twice, checking if my bike fell or not during my hurry to park it. Breathing in the smell of the damp grass from the rain this morning, I opened the door and stepped inside home. Whoa! In the first paragraph he/she is riding the bike, in the second he/she is walking away. Need to get off the bike first. More than that, how essential to the story is checking on whether or not the bike fell over?

I was greeted by the smell of freshly cooked spaghetti which made my mouth water. There was a heap of suitcases and trekking bags, backpacks and cardboard boxes between the door and the stairs. I found myself shaking my head as I walked past that into the kitchen. So the spaghetti is pasta in boiling water. I can’t recall ever getting a mouthwatering smell from that, and we have pasta often—does it even have a smell? It’s the sauce that has the mouthwatering smell.

"Which one of you passed down that trait to Aaron?" I said, walking up to the kitchen counter and pouring myself a cold glass of water. The steam from the rice cooker beside me had turned the air near me humid. There’s no way the person he’s speaking to can understand what he’s talking about—there’s no clue as to what trait is referred to. Humidity doesn’t seem like a key story issue, and why is the rice cooker steaming if they’re having spaghetti?

"I would say, probably your Dad." Mom replied, pulling out a sieve from the drawer. I made my way over to her and took it from her, while she picked up the pot and poured it (snip) A bit of overwriting here--how key is it to the story that we see a sieve taken from a drawer, the pot being emptied, etc.? Turns out it doesn't matter at all.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2017 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2017 by Shifra.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 66: Dave Slater

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the prologue in a mystery titled Death of a Temptress. A poll and the opening page follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

In the dark gloom of the early hours, with lights extinguished, the estate car reversed slowly off the main road into a narrow side-street and then continued to creep on down to the riverside, where it finally stopped at the top of an old, disused, slipway.

A man, dressed from head to toe in black, emerged from the car and made his way stealthily to the back. There was a loud, metallic, pop as the hatch opened, followed by a hiss as it glided upwards. Shocked by the apparent loudness of the noise, he froze and held his breath.

After what seemed an eternity, he began to relax. It seemed no one had heard the noise, so he began the business of removing what appeared to be a roll of carpet from the back of the car. It was roughly six feet long and was bound with string around the middle and over each end.

Somehow it seemed to have grown heavier on the journey and it was much harder to get it out of the car than it had been to put it in. In no time, he was sweating profusely from his efforts.

He eventually gave up trying to carry the carpet and settled for dragging it from the car and down the slipway. In the darkness, he didn’t notice the string was being loosened as it caught and snagged on the rough concrete.

Finally, he reached the river’s edge and there was a faint splash as he dropped the end he was holding into the water. Then he stepped back to the other end, dropped to his knees, and (snip)

Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This book received a good average of 4.4 stars on Amazon. While this opening scene does raise story questions, the writing drags the story down and, for me, there was no page turn. Here are a few of the things that bothered both the reader and the editor sides of me:

• An anonymous, no-name character.
• Things are not as they actually are, they are just “apparent” or “seem” (seemed an eternity, seemed no one heard, seemed to have grown), or “appear” to be; it’s either a roll of carpet or not.
• He doesn’t notice the string, yet the unraveling is in the narrative, a slip in point of view—if the character doesn’t know something, it shouldn’t be in the story.
• Adverb description: stealthily, finally, profusely, eventually, finally . . .

There are more things, overwriting among them, that a good editor could have helped this writer with. Poll below.

You can turn the page and read more here.

Poll: what are your thoughts about this author needing an editor? Remember that the goal of the first page is to get you to turn it. If the narrative didn’t do that, then it didn’t work the way it needed to.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Flogometer 1016 for Alex—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought.Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.

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Alex returns with a rewrite of the first page for Aedan Cross: The Seer’s Legacy. Alex did not want to share the rest of the chapter. The previous version is here.

For the second time that day, I almost wrote down my real name at the top of my test papers. I had to snap out of it. After so long, it wasn’t going to be my fault if they found us.

“Jay?” Mrs. Glenn was standing right next to me, looking at me with her brows knitted.

A drop of sweat trickled down my face and fell onto my test. I wanted to yell at her and tell her that wasn’t my real name. I wanted to stop all the hiding and tell her — tell everyone — that I wasn’t who they thought I was.

“Are you okay? You’re shaking.”

“I — I’m fine.” Mrs. Glenn peered at me over her glasses. But what could I tell her? That I was scared of the man in black who would show up later that day? That I was scared of him finding out who I really was and… eliminating me and Eritus?

My breathing got heavier. The lights in the classroom flickered in sync with my shaking legs. It was only a matter of time before I wouldn’t be able to hold in my anxiety, and the lights…

“If you want, dear, I could write you a pass to the nurse,” Mrs. Glenn went on. “Or maybe… you really don’t look so good. Maybe I should call an ambulance.”

“No!” I yelled, and I jumped to my feet. The lights flared dangerously above us.

Everybody looked at me, then nervously glanced at the flashing light bulbs. Of course. (snip)

I think Alex did a good job in editing his first page. It raises good story questions, and the paranormal aspect is pretty clear and interesting. So I turned the page this time. Still, there’s always a little room for improvement. A few notes:

For the second time today that day, I almost wrote down my real name at the top of my test papers. I had to snap out of it. After so long, it wasn’t going to be my fault if they found us.

“Jay?” Mrs. Glenn stood was standing right next to me, looking at me with her brows knitted.

A drop of sweat trickled down my face and fell onto my test. I wanted to yell at her and tell her that Jay wasn’t my real name. I wanted to stop all the hiding and tell her — tell everyone — that I wasn’t who they thought I was.

“Are you okay? You’re shaking.”

“I — I’m fine.” Mrs. Glenn peered at me over her glasses. But what could I tell her? That I was scared of the man in black who would show up later that day? That I was scared of him finding out who I really was and… eliminating me and Eritus? We can learn about Eritus later, when it counts. This keeps the jeopardy focused on Jay.

My breathing got heavier. The lights in the classroom flickered in sync with my shaking legs. It was only a matter of time before I wouldn’t be able to hold in my anxiety, and then the lights would—… Use an em dash for an interruption, not ellipses. Also, wanted to suggest more potential action with the lights when he loses it.

“If you want, dear, I could write you a pass to the nurse,” Mrs. Glenn went on. “Or maybe… you really don’t look so good. Maybe I should call an ambulance.”

“No!” I yelled, and I jumped to my feet. The lights flared dangerously above us. Adverbial phrases just don't make good description. And what is a "dangerous" flare, anyway? The fact that they're flaring is all we need to know something weird is going on.

Everybody looked at me, then nervously glanced at the flashing light bulbs. Of course. "nervously glanced" is weak description. For example: Everybody looked at me, then darted quick little glances at the flashing . . . That's not great, but the idea is to show us, not tell us with an adverbial phrase. (snip)

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2017 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2017 by E.J. Hinze.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1015 for E.J.—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought.Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.

---

E.J. sends a “prelude” and first chapter of a short story titledFloat Away. The rest of the submission follows after the break.

Prelude

It wasn’t supposed to end like this.

It was an innocent idea, by a seemingly innocent group of high school teenagers that wanted to blow off some steam.

None of them could have ever guessed it would have turned out like this; not in a million years.

It was a bleak Friday afternoon when the idea was suggested at the lunch table. All four heads turned in the direction of their dear friend Jay who was smiling widely at them, “What do you guys think?” He asked.

Jay, being Jay of course, was the one that came up with the brilliant idea. He suggested that they all get together over the weekend and write their deepest darkest secret on a piece of paper, and they’d attach them to a balloon and release them into the sky that Sunday.

“I think it’s an awful idea,” Danielle - or Dani - as she liked to go by, said with a mouthful of food. Small pieces of chewed meatloaf sprayed onto Heathers lunch tray. She made a face and set her fork down, suddenly feeling less hungry than she had previously.

“Why? We’ve all been stressed lately. I think we all need to let go of some steam,” Jay retorted, folding his arms across his chest and leaning back in his chair. “Besides, haven’t you ever wanted to get your deepest darkest secret off your chest?”

Chapter 1

Sunday, 6:46pm.

They all decided to meet up at the park near Jay’s house, since he would be the one supplying the balloons. The plan was to hang around a bit before the sun began to depart from the sky, and then let our secrets fly.

Afterwards, we would all go for a celebratory round to Sonic, on Jay of course.

Heather bit her lip as she stared down at the piece of paper in her hand. As she read the words over and over, she began to think this may have been a bad idea. What if one of them actually read this? She would never be able to live it down.

But, weren’t they her closest friends?

Why did she feel like she needed to hide?

She let her lip go as a horn sounded from her drive way. She quickly folded the piece of paper back up and slipped it into her purse. She slipped on a pair of flats and shouted bye to her parents before dashing out of the house and over to the car.

Bradley’s red Chevy was pulled up into her driveway with Imogen and Dani already in the backseat. The door to the passenger seat was already open, inviting her over. Since they were all going to Sonic afterwards, they figured they would just take one car. No one but Bradly and Dani knew how to drive anyway, but this was still easiest.

The writing is okay, though for me it could be crisper. For example, there’s no need, storywise, to include that Dani is a nickname for Danielle. A clarity note: the narrative says they'll attach all the secrets to one balloon, but the story has them using individual balloons, which makes more sense.

I do think the idea of revealing deep dark secrets gives rise to an interesting story question. But, for me, all the foreshadowing (telling) is an effort to tell us that this is an interesting story. I think it would be better to simply immerse us in the point of view of a protagonist in the scene, stir up some conflict, add some stakes—for example, the protagonist, through inner monologue, could share with the reader a hurtful consequence of sharing her secret—and then get on with the story. Try it without all the foretelling and see what happens.

In the chapter, there is some overwriting/overthinking: for example, there’s no need to explain the reason they’re all taking one car, just get them in the car and get going. There’s no story reason for this explanation. More than that, skip the car part and start with them at the park, jump right into the meaty stuff.

For me, since we’re in deep third person, I think we should be reading the words of the secret along with Heather. For one thing, the reader will know what it is that frightens her, and that could create empathy. Also, she could signal a consequence with more at stake than never living it down. Sure, embarrassment can momentarily feel fatal to a teenager, but there’s no real jeopardy there. Give us some clues as to what troublesome thing awaits Heather if she does this. In other words, I think the story is trying to tell us that it’s compelling rather than taking us into a world and an experience that is compelling. Take a look at just being in the story and giving us something to chew on and some serious stakes. I’ll admit to being curious, but didn’t feel involved in a compelling way.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2017 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2017 by E.J. Hinze.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 65: Luke Catherine Lee

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter one in a thriller titled Dark Heart. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Detective Sergeant Charlie Cooper threw his keys into the wooden bowl he kept on his desk for just that purpose. Their clink signalled the beginning of his work day, which he hoped was going to be a light one — he still wasn’t fully recovered from the fortieth birthday party Liz had thrown him on the weekend. No such luck, though, Senior Sergeant Frank Munro was already heading his way.

“Coop. Got a call from Leichhardt Local Area Command. They had an aggravated assault on a fifty-year-old male yesterday. Today it’s your new murder case.” Munro had never been one for morning pleasantries.

The guy didn’t make it, huh?”

His father agreed to switch off life support last night, so it’s officially a homicide. SOCOs are at the crime scene now.” Munro handed Cooper the file. “Take Quinn,” he added with a grin, before returning to his office.

Cooper pushed the hangover to the back of his mind and glanced over the file. The victim’s name was Fraser Grant, a real estate agent. He was found in his Glebe apartment the day before by his elderly father, shortly after one pm. Blunt force trauma to the head; no sign of a weapon. Taken by ambulance to RPA Hospital, where they pronounced him brain dead. Detectives from the local area command, along with the scene-of-crime officers Munro had (snip)

Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This book received a good average of 4.5 stars on Amazon. Why do good writers—this one’s writing craft is just fine—start out with non-crucial setup? It doesn’t matter to the story that the detective is forty. Or that he has a hangover. Or that he keeps his keys in a bowl. Is there a story question on the page? Well, yes, there is the whodunit aspect of the murdered man, but that doesn’t do much since we know next to nothing about him.

What’s key is discovered at the end of this fairly leisurely chapter—the murdered man is a serial killer, and the evidence is clear. Now, a murdered man who is a serial killer is a much more compelling topic than a murdered real estate agent. For me, the setup material was a drag and a definite barrier to turning the page. I think some of my kind of editing would have been in order. Poll below.

You can turn the page and read more here.

Poll: what are your thoughts about this author needing an editor? Remember that the goal of the first page is to get you to turn it. If the narrative didn’t do that, then it didn’t work the way it needed to.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Flogometer 1014 for Alex—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought.Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.

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Alex sends the opening page of Aedan Cross: The Seer’s Legacy. Alex did not want to share the rest of the chapter. After the page, there's an edit and a second poll.

For the second time that day, I almost wrote down my real name at the top of my test papers. It was around this time of year that I was reminded of my true identity, but I had to snap out of it. After so long, it wasn’t going to be my fault if they found us.

“Jay?”

My leg banged against my desk. I suddenly realized Mrs. Glenn was standing right next to me, looking at me with her brows knitted.

“Jay?” she repeated. “Are you okay? You’re shaking.”

A drop of sweat trickled down my face and fell onto my test. I wanted to yell at her and tell her that wasn’t my real name. I wanted to stop all the hiding and tell her — tell everyone — that I wasn’t who they thought I was.

“I — I’m fine.” My lie didn’t seem to convince Mrs. Glenn. But what could I tell her? That I was scared of the man in black who would show up later that day? That I was scared of the thought of him finding out who I really was? No. That wasn’t a choice — no matter how trustworthy she might’ve been.

“Look, don’t be ashamed,” Mrs. Glenn said, lowering her voice to a whisper. “I understand these end of course exams are stressful; middle school was awful for me at the end of each year. But as long as you try your best, you will walk out of this classroom smiling.”

A good, clear narrative of a scene that drops into the story in media res—all to the good. There is good scene tension with a character clearly afraid of having his identity revealed. His fears and concerns do raise story questions. But are they strong enough?

They could be stronger if we had a hint of the stakes of discovery. Jay knows them, so why not include that here? If discovered, he and the man he lives with will be eliminated. Include that and you definitely have a page-turner.

There’s one other missed opportunity. There is a paranormal element to this story and this character, and including that would definitely up the chances for a page turn. And it would be relatively easy to do. In my notes I’ll show the cuts and the added narrative that could be included. See if you think it makes the page stronger--a new poll follows. Notes:

For the second time that day, I almost wrote down my real name at the top of my test papers. It was around this time of year that I was reminded of my true identity, but I had to snap out of it. After so long, it wasn’t going to be my fault if they found us.

“Jay?” My leg banged against my desk. I suddenly realized Mrs. Glenn was standing right next to me, looking at me with her brows knitted.

A drop of sweat trickled down my face and fell onto my test. I wanted to yell at her and tell her that wasn’t my real name. I wanted to stop all the hiding and tell her — tell everyone — that I wasn’t who they thought I was.

“Jay?” she repeated. “Are you okay? You’re shaking.”

A drop of sweat trickled down my face and fell onto my test. I wanted to yell at her and tell her that wasn’t my real name. I wanted to stop all the hiding and tell her — tell everyone — that I wasn’t who they thought I was.

“I — I’m fine.” My lie didn’t seem to convince Mrs. Glenn. But w What could I tell her? That I was scared of the man in black who would show up later that day? That I was scared of the thought of him finding out who I really was and . . . eliminating me and Eritus? No. That wasn’t a choice — no matter how trustworthy she might’ve been.

“Look, don’t be ashamed,” Mrs. Glenn said, lowering her voice to a whisper. “I understand these end of course exams are stressful; middle school was awful for me at the end of each year. But as long as you try your best, you will walk out of this classroom smiling.”

My breathing got heavier. The lights in the room flickered in sync with my shaking legs. It was only a matter of time before I wouldn’t be able to hold in my anxiety, and the lights…

Here’s how those changes would read—the page is only 12 lines long now and more narrative could up the tension. The edits above create this:

For the second time that day, I almost wrote down my real name at the top of my test papers. I had to snap out of it. After so long, it wasn’t going to be my fault if they found us.

“Jay?” Mrs. Glenn was standing right next to me, looking at me with her brows knitted.

 A drop of sweat trickled down my face and fell onto my test. I wanted to yell at her and tell her that wasn’t my real name. I wanted to stop all the hiding and tell her — tell everyone — that I wasn’t who they thought I was.

“Are you okay? You’re shaking.”

“I — I’m fine.” What could I tell her? That I was scared of the man in black who would show up later that day? That I was scared of him finding out who I really was and . . . eliminating me and Eritus?

My breathing got heavier. The lights in the room flickered in sync with my shaking legs. It was only a matter of time before I wouldn’t be able to hold in my anxiety, and the lights…

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2017 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2017 by Alex

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1013 for Judi—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought.Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.

---

Judi sends the first chapter  of Chasing Blue Sky. The rest of the submission follows the break.

Jimmy Tayhoe sat in his battered recliner with a pistol pressed to his head. A light breeze fluttered through his hair while his gaze remained constant out the open window where mesas and pinnacles hid under a thousand stars and the cool air smelled sweet as melon.

Alcohol had never been a part of his life, but six years in a prison cell had broken him, and tonight he needed courage. He closed his eyes, downed more whiskey and slid a finger around the trigger. He was only a few feet from the edge and stared down into the unknown.

A deep growl came from the big dog in the kitchen. Tayhoe squeezed his eyes shut. He pressed the cold metal hard into his flesh, he tried to meditate, to summon his Ancestors, his courage, but a voice shouted hello.

He laid down the gun as he made his way toward the door. The Ancient Ones hadn’t answered him, and it occurred to him now they simply didn’t give a damn.

He jerked open the door. A young woman stood outside. They stared at each other, both surprised and silent until she finally spoke.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, but I've missed the turn to Matos and I’m nearly out of gas. Do you think I could buy some from you?"

Tayhoe mumbled something, opened the door wider and shoved back his growling dog.

The cabin was dark, and the woman stayed just inside the doorway. There appeared to be (snip)

The writing is solid and the voice good. An interesting and troubled character is introduced, and there is jeopardy ahead until he is interrupted by a visitor. That interruption could serve as a tension-builder, but only if it serves to add to his story. For me, it doesn’t, and the opportunity is missed. There’s a missed chance to crank up the stakes or tension when he mumbles something if he mumbles something that gives us more, but it doesn’t. There is a POV shift here and there are more in the chapter that follows, particularly a big one right after the break, what I could call head-hopping. I don’t know if this is mean to be written in omniscient voice, but for me it felt more like head-hopping. Break apart shifts in POV, please.

There are some small craft issues that should be attended to on this page, notes below. The chapter is definitely involving and promises a strong story, but I think the first page needs to be stronger if it’s going to get us there. Good stuff, could be better. This was a close one for me, and I gave it an almost, mostly because of the craft issues I saw. Notes:

Jimmy Tayhoe sat in his battered recliner with a pistol pressed to his head. A light breeze fluttered through his hair while his gaze remained constant out the open window where mesas and pinnacles hid under a thousand stars and the cool air smelled sweet as melon. “pistol pressed to his head” is a little vague. Where? How? For example, “the muzzle jammed hard against his temple” would give a clear picture.

Alcohol had never been a part of his life, but six years in a prison cell had broken him, and tonight he needed courage. He closed his eyes, downed more whiskey and slid a finger around the trigger. He was only a few feet from the edge and stared down into the unknown.

 A deep growl came from the big dog in the kitchen. Tayhoe squeezed his eyes shut. He pressed the cold metal hard into his flesh, he tried to meditate, to summon his Ancestors, his courage, but a woman’s voice shouted hello. He squeezes his eyes shut, but in the paragraph before he has closed his eyes. Seems redundant since nothing shows that he has opened them. Why not give us more regarding the voice now?

 He laid down the gun as he made his way toward the door. The Ancient Ones hadn’t answered him, and it occurred to him now that they simply didn’t give a damn.

 He jerked open the door. A young woman stood outside. They stared at each other, both surprised and silent until she finally spoke. A point-of-view slip—we seem to be in close third person, but suddenly we are told that they are both surprised. He can’t know that she’s surprised unless her behavior indicates that.

 "I'm sorry to disturb you, but I've missed the turn to Matos and I’m nearly out of gas. Do you think I could buy some from you?"

Tayhoe mumbled something, opened the door wider and shoved back his growling dog. Mumbling “something” is meaningless to the reader. It’s nothing. Why not include what he mumbles? There’s a need to create tension here, and this could be an opportunity, depending on what he says.

 The cabin was dark, and the woman stayed just inside the doorway. There appeared to be (snip)

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2017 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2017 by Judi

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 64: Luke Smitherd

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter one in a thriller titled Kill Someone. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

When I was still truly young, The Man in White came to my family’s house on a cold Saturday morning in November. Klaus – although his name was not yet Klaus – was, of course, with him.

At twenty-one years old, I really was a young man, and I don’t mean in terms of age. I mean my attitude, compared to those around me who’d been in my year at school. Although I wouldn’t admit it at the time, I knew it deep down. It was probably why I was still working in a shit job three years after graduating and not attending university. I knew I would have crashed out halfway through the first year. In many ways, I think taking that shitty agency job was my first honest-to-god attempt at being an adult, but I could have worked there for twenty years and I don’t think I’d have handled things any better. I try to think of any adults I’ve known that would have been able to handle what that man had to tell me, and I can’t. I reckon they would have to have been psychopaths to do so, and as far as I’m aware, I didn’t know any.

Of course, I often think about what happened – every day, as you’d expect, but I mean I ask myself, specifically, if I have any regrets. That’s a difficult question to answer because there’s regret and then there’s culpable regret, you see. Active regret, to me, means things that I felt I handled badly, or wrong choices I made for the wrong reasons, you know? Like sleeping in an hour longer when you know you shouldn’t, or eating that extra dessert when you know you (snip)

Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This book received a superior average of 4.9 stars on Amazon. Very clean, strong writing, and a professional voice. But . . . despite the writing and attempts to raise story questions, this opening fails for me. The narrative hints at things . . . the mysterious Man in White coming to his house, being able to handle whatever that man told him, thinking about “what happened” every day. But what’s the reason to continue musing and withhold what happened? Why not start with that? With no stakes, no real feel for this character, and nothing happening, for me there was no tension on this page. Must be later, if you’re to believe the reviews. I’m not sure this reader will ever get there. Poll below.

You can turn the page and read more here.

Poll: what are your thoughts about this author needing an editor? Remember that the goal of the first page is to get you to turn it. If the narrative didn’t do that, then it didn’t work the way it needed to.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Flogometer 1012 for Angel—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. There’s naught in the queue. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.

---

Deborah sends the first chapter of creative nonfiction (autobiographical) with a working title of Insanity! The rest of the submission follows the break.

Death is regarded as “the way of nature,” not to be raised to question, but to be accepted as the “natural” law of life. This is taken as the Will of God and no one asks if a benign Creator could will this.

Her name was Rita Moon but her nick name was ‘Re’. She was lost, but she never expected to find herself amidst the trials of her physical and emotional pain. It was a shock to discover an aspect of her identity that been hidden for so long. What am I? Where am I? What am I doing?

The invisible life-force hovered close to the ceiling. It looked down at the naked body lying on the satin sheets of an ornate queen size bed. One hand clutched an empty Dom Perignon Champagne bottle, and the other a telephone receiver. The moon cast its light over the vacant pill containers on the bedside cabinet. A sparkly Jean Louis gown, draped over the back of a chair, emitted the scent of a rose and geranium perfume. The atmosphere was still, but there was a presence of “mindful” awareness that struck a chord of familiarity.

A form of communication ensued like a stream of thought that existed without the body. Re was disorientated when she said, This is my bedroom in LA. That’s my stuff. And… that motionless woman in bed is me!

What on earth is happening here? What have I done?

The figure of a male manifested and appeared to be sitting in a black leather seat suspended (snip)

The writing is pretty sound, though there are places it could use a little attention. But it’s good enough to set an interesting scene with provocative things happening. Story questions rise—what did happen, what will happen to Re? Who is the mysterious male figure? Is this an after death experience? What’s going on? If this is indeed the story of the writer’s life, it has a fascinating beginning. I turned the page. Writing can be worked on and tightened, and this writer’s storytelling instincts seem strong.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2017 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2017 by Angel

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 63: Gregg Dunnett

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Just one in the queue. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter one in mystery titled The Wave at Hanging Rock. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

THE WAY MY dad died was so funny one newspaper gave him a Darwin Award. That’s not a real award, it’s a joke. They give them to people who die doing something so stupid that it counts as a service to humanity. You know, eliminating their DNA from the gene pool. But the real funny thing was, everyone was so busy laughing none of them realised it was already too late. Because I was already here.

I was twelve years old when he did it. It was a Wednesday afternoon. Normally I liked Wednesdays since we finished school early, and usually Dad would take me to the beach. He’d read the paper for a bit and then fetch up in one of the bars down there drinking beer while I surfed. But things had already gone weird by then. That day we were in the garden, working on his latest project in the shade of the gum trees.

“It’ll be good. You and me being together in school,” Dad said for what must have been the third time that afternoon. He had his plastic goggles pushed up onto his forehead so his hair stuck up like a porcupine.

“Yeah,” I said, meaning no. I didn’t like the idea much. I’d been hoping it wouldn’t actually happen, but I knew just hoping wasn’t going to work for ever.

“Nearly ready for the test eruption.” He sounded so pleased with himself.

A couple of weeks before it had been a rocket made of plumbing tubes that was supposed (snip)

Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This book received an average of 4.2 stars on Amazon. Good writing, good voice. There is tension raised by both the foreshadowing lead and the story question raised—what happens that kills him? This is not the main story, but it does qualify for what Donald Maass calls “bridging tension,” a technique of providing strong, compelling scene tension that will lead to the larger story issue. I’ll probably give this one a read. Poll below.

You can turn the page and read more here.

Poll: what are your thoughts about this author needing an editor? Remember that the goal of the first page is to get you to turn it. If the narrative didn’t do that, then it didn’t work the way it needed to.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.