I’m preparing a book proposal for a new craft book with the working title of Red Ink: How to Craft a Killer First Page. The book is based on the Killer First Page workshop I teach at writers conferences and what goes on here at FtQ.
While here on the blog you see first pages one at a time, a few days apart, the in-person workshops immerse writers in a rapid succession of first pages submitted by the workshoppers themselves. After reading several in a row, along with discussion of why they voted to turn the page or not, workshoppers begin to develop a feel for what works and what doesn’t. More importantly, they see how to apply those insights to their own work.
After the workshop at the Mendocino Coast Writer's Conference, a writer came up afterwards and told me, “When we got to mine, I voted against it.” And he was a very good writer, with smooth, accomplished prose.
Stephen King expresses the reason the immersion technique, both in workshops and here on FtQ, works to improve our writing.
In On Writing, King says,
“We need to experience the mediocre and the outright rotten; such experience helps us to recognize those things when they begin to creep into our own work, and to steer clear of them.”
Exactly right. So submit your WIP for a critique and learn.
While none of the submissions I’ve gotten here are rotten, they are often on the mediocre side in terms of how well they do in the storytelling department—that’s why so many pages get No votes.
While I understand that it’s the holidays and we’re focused elsewhere, I encourage you to get busy on your WIP after the new year and glean the insights you’ll get if you sent your prologue or chapter for a look by the fresh eyes of FtQ. Here's how:
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
your title and genre
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first page of the prologue for a science fiction novel titled Becoming Human. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
They watched the multiple independent re-entry vehicles approach in the night’s sky, illuminated by a string of bright lights along their exteriors. The A.I. system guided the vehicles along a predetermined trajectory towards the planet. The next succession, fired from the nearest planet’s surface, was already on its way to Exilon 5. The race wouldn’t live long enough to witness their arrival.
The multi-launch command came from the Zodiac 117B ship that hovered in the great expanse above Exilon 5. The super heavy-lift vehicles, tightly packed with as many cluster bombs as possible, contained terraforming chemicals. Solid fuel engine rockets drove the expendable vehicles towards the atmosphere where their outer shrouds would separate away and burn up. With just one chance to get the rockets there safely, force fields protected the shrouds to prevent the payload from early destruction. The bombs would alter the atmosphere. A successful strike would result in many unavoidable deaths.
The MIRVs, specifically designed to make light work of the atmospheric layer, tore through space towards the planet. When the terraforming process was over, others could begin the next phase of the operation. The race huddled together protectively, unsure what the lights were or where they originated from. Some of their young played chasing games, oblivious to the danger that faced all of them. Those with more empathy noticed the adults’ mood and clung (snip)
Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
This book received 3.9 stars on Amazon. This opening fits right into the sci-fi genre—an omniscient point of view, technical information, etc. It’s good that it’s an immediate scene where something is happening, but, for my money, there’s not enough to give me an understanding of to whom it’s happening.”They” and “the race” could be human beings, or not. I think it matters that readers have an idea. If you're going to use the prologue to do an info dump, at least give me full info.
I was not happy with opening with an unattributed pronoun, “they.” And I think the scene should have had more setting—where are “they?” What is the nature of the environment they’re in? However, for a science fiction fan, I think the story questions raised in this opening page would generate a page turn to see what happens next. It does promise death and destruction. What do you think?
I came across an article titled “How Our Vocabulary Gives Away Our Age” by Delfin Carbonell, and it reminded me of an aspect of fiction narrative that I frequently have to address in editing a novel.
For example, the article says:
We know that older people often command a larger vocabulary, speak better English, sound English, and are more precise in its usage. Younger folks are sometimes sloppier in their communication skills, and some may take a devil-may-care attitude toward language in general.
So true. I’ll add that at times writing by older authors who submit to FtQ has a formal quality in its structure and phrasing that sometimes works in opposition to their story. The story is “dated” from the start, and the impact of the narrative is muted.
Dr. Carbonell, a Ph. D. in Philology, cites examples that include:
Groovy, with the meaning of excellent, charming, nice, was popularized in the 1960s and out of currency by 1980.
Yeah, I miss that one.
Broad has been an unhappy slang term for woman since 1911. In the fifties and sixties all women were referred to as broads. Aside from the fact that it is a very insulting, low-class term, it tells the man’s age and cultural background.
I don’t miss that one at all—but it could be relevant to communicating the age of a character, right? Having a male or female character who was an adult during that period use that term helps to characterize them.
Do your words age your story? I suggest you read the article, it’s brief. Dr. Carbonell has a piece of advice that applies to you and me:
Check your vocabulary and weed out musty, mothball-smelling terms and replace them with standard, sound-English words, especially Saxon words. And keep all the good vocabulary that time has allowed you to accumulate to better express your ideas to the young, and set an example of good English practice to the new generations.
Submissions sought. There’s naught in the queue for next week. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.
Susanne sends the first chapter of Backstory, the working title of a historical fantasy trilogy, The City by the Watcher’s Gate. The rest of the submission follows the break.
The day everything changed for me was the day Father died.
I was telling an old tale to my youngest brother as I stood spinning thread. Mother was weaving on her wall loom, reaching above eye level to work the complicated pattern with first one butterfly of yarn and then switching to the next color. I admired the emerging pattern that held symbols from a story she had told me long before.
The yarn that Mother was about to add to the weaving suddenly dropped to the stone floor as she grabbed her head and screamed. The heavy stone weights holding the tension on the vertical threads cracked against the dried clay and stones of the wall.
My brother and I stared, startled, as Mother collapsed to sit, sobbing, on the cold stone tiling of the floor. What could possibly be wrong?
I gathered my courage to touch her hand. Then I knew: Father was dead.
What could have happened so suddenly? There was no warning, no illness. Father was in the far mountains to the east on a trading journey with our two middle brothers.
There would be my answer.
Reaching into the pouch at my waist, I touched the small braids of hair, seeking out that of my third brother. He who was nearest me in age was staring down a cliff. Through his eyes I could see there, far below, broken on the rocks, lay our Father.
Good job of starting the story in media res. Things have already happened, something has gone wrong, and we’re about to be shown that. The voice is interesting and fitting for an historical fantasy story. The magic of this world is quickly revealed easily with its use in the story, no explanation necessary. And what happens begins to engage us with the protagonist.
The writing is clean, from a technical point of view, but, in my opinion, the narrative could be crisper. As you’ll see in the notes that follow, the use of the rhetorical questions isn’t something I would do. If the following edits are made, more hints of the setting and more story can be included. Notes:
The day everything changed for me was the day Father died.I don’t think this is necessary. Why not just immerse us in the character’s experience. I’m deleting this and modifying the next paragraph to show that.
I was telling an old tale to my youngest brother asI stood spinning thread, telling an old tale to my youngest brother. Mother was weaving on her wall loom, reaching above eye level to work the complicated pattern with first one butterfly of yarn and then switching to the next color. I admired the emerging pattern that held symbols from a story she had told me long before.
The yarn that Mother was about to add to the weaving suddenly dropped to the stone floor as she grabbed her head and screamed. The heavy stone weights holding the tension on the vertical threads cracked against the dried clay and stones of the wall. Description of the wall helps set the scene without having to point to it. Nicely done.
My brother and I stared, startled, as Mother collapsed to sit, sobbing, on the cold stone tiling of the floor. What could possibly be wrong? No need for rhetorical questions, let the narrative raise these story questions in the reader’s mind.
I gathered my courage to touch her hand. Then I knew: Father was dead.
What could have happened so suddenly? There was no warning, no illness. Father was in the far mountains to the east on a trading journey with our two middle brothers. Same comment about rhetorical questions. Not needed, they just take up space. Generate the questions in the reader’s mind.
There would be my answer.Deleted because the question was deleted.
Reaching into the pouch at my waist, I touched the small braids of hair, seeking out that of my third brother. He who was nearest me in age was staring down a cliff. Through his eyes I could see there, far below, broken on the rocks, lay our Father.
Submissions sought. There’s naught in the queue for next week. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.
Breanne sends the first chapter ofLenore, Hecate, Achsa Sprague, Ronald Reagan, and Me, Ruth Agnes Wood. The rest of the submission follows the break.
The sad truth of the matter is that I couldn’t even make it as a waitress at Vaughn’s Café in Sprague, Iowa, population 9,085 and dwindling.
It had been Rhonda Burns, the shift supervisor, who demoted me from waitress to bus girl after the incident with eighty-year-old Althea Howell. To be fair to Rhonda, she’d given me a generously long trial run even after I kept mixing up orders, forgetting customers’ “gimme” requests for hot sauce or dressing on the side or more coffee, please, and could never even dream of layering five plates on my arm like the Duffy twins. But when I bumped into the back of poor Althea’s chair and spilled the scalding-hot coffee down the back of her sweater, Rhonda told me that I just wasn’t cut out for waitressing.
It was a slow afternoon at Vaughn’s: a few grizzled farmers in overalls and trucker hats at the counter, an old couple drinking cup after cup of decaf coffee at a corner table, and a Sprague College student sipping tea and reading in one of the window booths. When I carried my bus tub over to the student’s table, she was so absorbed in her book that she didn’t seem to notice me standing there. She was snub-nosed and pudgy, with dimpled wrists and lank, blonde hair, and smelled faintly of mothballs.
“Excuse me,” I said, “can I take your plates?”
The voice of this narrator is quite likable, she engaged me right away. So a big goal is accomplished immediately—connecting me with a character. The writing is strong and clear, too, not much for an editor to pick on. But there is, for this reader, one fatal flaw.
How about a story question? The only possible question raised on this page is whether or not the college student will say yes or no to having her plates taken. I don’t know about you, but this didn’t make it to compelling.
As often happens, there is a fine story question buried later in the chapter. If it were me, I’d keep the engaging first two paragraphs and then go right into this rather than continuing with setup:
Sanford Johnson, president of the Sprague Bank and Trust, rambled in with his cronies for a leisurely lunch. He had his suit jacket draped over one arm and his shirtsleeves rolled up to his elbows, and he wore a gaudy tie emblazoned with golf balls and tees. He seemed, overall, to be very pleased with himself.
I could almost hear the waitresses’ collective groan as him and his buddies made their way towards a corner booth. He was a lousy tipper, and impatient and demanding to boot.
But I wasn’t merely irritated at the sight Sanford. No—I was nearly boiling over with rage and the rabid desire to verbally eviscerate him.
Now there’s a dandy promise of conflict ahead, and we’re wondering why she wants to gut him and what will happen next. It will be easy enough to weave in the rest of the setup as we go along.
Sorry for the shortage of posts last week. Had do deal with medical issues that distracted me, and I haven't had much in the way of submissions. There's an interesting one for this week, but only one. Feel free to submit by emailing an attachment to me. See flogometer posts for complete directions.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first page of This Doesn't Happen In The Movies: A Reed Ferguson Mystery. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
“I want you to find my dead husband.”
“Excuse me?” That was my first reaction.
“I want you to find my husband. He’s dead, and I need to know where he is.” She spoke in a voice one sexy note below middle C.
“Uh-huh.” That was my second reaction. Really slick. Moments before, when I saw her standing in the outer room, waiting to come into my office, I had the feeling she’d be trouble. And now, with that intro, I knew it.
“He’s dead, and I need you to find him.” If she wasn’t tired of the repetition, I was, but I couldn’t seem to get my mouth working. She sat in the cushy black leather chair on the other side of my desk, exhaling money with every sultry breath. She had beautiful blond hair with just a hint of darker color at the roots, blue eyes like a cold mountain lake, and a smile that would slay Adonis. I’d like to say that a beautiful woman couldn’t influence me by her beauty alone. I’d like to say it, but I can’t.
“Why didn’t you come see me yesterday?” I asked. Her eyes widened in surprise. This detective misses nothing, I thought, mentally patting myself on the back. She didn’t know that I’d definitely noticed her yesterday eating at a deli across the street. I had been staring out the window, and there she was.
Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
This book received 4.1 stars on Amazon. I like the lively tone of the voice and the immediate story questions raised by this immediate scene. I feel engaged by the character, and the mystery is opened up with the first line of dialogue, an excellent place to start in a mystery.
The writing is solid, too, but there are some little edits I’d make to tighten it up a bit. My notes follow, but I downloaded this to give it a try later. A very good start for an Indie author publishing their own work.
“I want you to find my dead husband.”
“Excuse me?” That was my first reaction. I think you can do better than this. I think he would react to how lame his response is. Something like: Not exactly nimble, was it?
“I want you to find my husband. He’s dead, and I need to know where he is.” She spoke in a voice one sexy note below middle C.
“Uh-huh.” That was my second reaction. Really slick. Moments before, whenWhenI sawI’d seen her standing in the outer room, waiting to come into my office, I’d had the feeling she’d be trouble. And now, with that intro, I knew it.
“He’s dead, and I need you to find him.” If she wasn’t tired of the repetition, I was, but I couldn’t seem to get my mouth working. She sat in the cushy black leather chair on the other side of my desk, exhaling money with every sultry breath. She had beautiful blond hair with just a hint of darker color at the roots, blue eyes like a cold mountain lake, and a smile that would slay Adonis. I’d like to say that a beautiful woman couldn’t influence me by her beauty alone. I’d like to say it, but I can’t.
“Why didn’t you come see me yesterday?” I asked. Her eyes widened in surprise. I’d surprised her. This detective misses nothing, I thought, mentally patting myself on the back. She didn’t know that I’d definitely noticed her yesterday eating at a deli across the street. I had been staring out the window, and there she was. The change was because of a POV shift—he can’t know why her eyes widened, but he can interpret her expression.
Submissions invited. Nothing in the flogometer queue for next week. Email to me your first chapter and/or prologue as an attachment, plus permission to use it, for a look by fresh eyes.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first page of Blood Money. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
Beemer cursed. Two words. Two syllables. A mental rim shot inside Greg Beem’s skull. The simple phrase was perfectly descriptive, and summed up just about every seminal moment of the Beemer’s twenty-nine years. The curse described a moment that was, in truth, formative. Beemer could catalogue his life with his very own cursed moments.
... I wet the bed.
... the gun went off.
... she’s really pregnant?
... my parachute didn’t open.
... that knife was sharper than I thought.
... the bitch actually left me.
... I really didn’t mean to burn the house down.
Beemer’s most recent cursed moment began at 3: 16 A.M. on August sixth. Beemer remembered the time because, for some unknown reason, his eyes had flicked to the digital clock display on the dashboard of the Peterbilt tandem axle tractor rig. He was alone and behind the wheel of this beautiful piece of machinery. Nearly brand spanking new. Gray leather seats in the forward cab with a comfy sleeper bed behind. The dash was equally monochrome with an array of digital gauges and switches. The steering wheel was wrapped like the grip of a four-hundred-(snip)
Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
This book received 4.6 stars on Amazon, and the author is a successful screenwriter (Die Hrd 2 and others). This opening, for me, sits on the borderline between a Yes and a No. It introduces us to what is probably an antagonist, a nasty guy, with the litany of cursed moments that progressively become more vile. But there’s not much of a story question, is there? On the other hand, what is the cursed moment that's about to begin?
There is skilled writing—the narrative is polished, crisp, tight. And the voice is accomplished, professional. Because of that voice and that quality, and the nature of the character being introduced (it seems clear that he will do bad things . . . but what bad things . . .) I did the turn the page. Sure enough, things get nasty real soon.
However, as an editor, I would probably have encouraged the author to at least include the actual words of the curse. It is revealed later, but there's no reason to withhold it here. I would also have encouraged him to include more of what's happening now rather than slipping onto the detailed description of the truck here. That could be enough to stop readers who did not find the voice sufficiently provocative. So, in a sense, I'm saying that while I don't thin he needed an editor, an editor could have strengthened this opening.
Submissions sought. There’s naught in the queue for next week. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.
John sends the first chapter of Asura. The rest of the submission follows the break.
Isla glared at the swarthy Arab. The man reeked of guilty fear as well as unrealised treachery. Having led them through dark streets to the deserted building he had started to edge back to the door, or rather where once a door had been. Her look froze him in place, a mouse under the eye of a predatory bird.
She tuned out the surrounding night noise and concentrated on the man’s sub-vocalisation. Not telepathy by any means but near enough given the way humans babbled to themselves.
The man was chanting to himself in a terrified monotone. Al Jalil promised he would be here with the Imam. Al Jalil should be here. Al Jalil should be here…
Interesting. Especially as their contact was supposed to be one Hamid: a Kurd deep-cover agent. Who it seemed was either turncoat or more likely dead.
Isla shared a glance with her pairmate. She was Shadow, he Seeker; they had entered Anglia secretly under the auspices of their sister corps: An Lamh Dhearg, the Red Hand of the Celtic Union. But the Celts hunted elsewhere that night. And local law-enforcers, even if they had been aware of a foreign presence, quite sensibly shunned the tenements, particularly after dark. For Anglian law did not run there.
Octasburgh – once Lutetia of the Parisi – was originally a trading centre that prospered in the aftermath of the Roman withdrawal. Now it housed the AlThing: the Great Volk-Moot. But was (snip)
Despite frequent comma faults (a number of commas are missing), I was beginning to warm to this opening. There was suspense, story questions were raised: Why is Al Jalil not there, why is the guide frightened, what happened to Hamid who is likely dead, and so on. I was interested in learning what a pairmate was, what was meant by a Shadow and a Seeker. It felt like a good sci-fi/fantasy story.
But then we turned to backstory and encountered a string of names of things that created a traffic jam in my mind: Lamh Dhearg; Red Hand of the Celtic Union; Octasburgh, Luteria of the Parisi; The AlThing; the Great Volk-Moot.
I understand the need in this genre to create a world, but for heaven’s sake don’t suspend my immersion in what’s happening to a character on the first page to take that side trip, and please don’t dump a flotilla of odd names of things on me. Shortly after this page the story seems to begin, but then it switches into more backstory. So a) I would never get this first page turned and b) even if I did, I’m not sure I would continue after the next bit of backstory crops up. First pages foreshadow what is to come, and this looks like constant interruptions of setup before action, and this reader just isn’t into that.
Don’t get me wrong, the non-setup stuff on the first page and the narrative that follows is interesting and shows a lot of promise, storywise. Just stick to story and don’t worry about telling me what you think I need to know. What I need is story.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.
John sends the first chapter of Longitude. The rest of the submission follows the break.
“NOOOO,” Lily howled. “You can’t do that to me – please – there may be something in that crate I don’t want anyone to see – stuff about my family.” Agitated by the letter she had received from her grandmother at mail call would be a good description of her attitude and state of mind. Normally she would welcome any news from a family member -- except this news. This news upset her more than anything in her recent past. It drove her into the frigid telephone room when it opened. Cold seeped through the cinder-block walls, permeating the entire room as Lily talked to her grandmother, shivering in spite of her heavy coat and mittens.
She cried into the phone. “I don’t want that little brat diggin’ through all that stuff ‘til I’ve had a chance to look at it first. She may break something – or worse. Nobody knows what’s in that old stuff.”
“Lily Jane Reed,” a stern rebuke came from her grandmother, her namesake. “I will not tolerate you talking about Donna in that manner. Your niece is a sweet young girl. And she’s not little anymore – Donna’s eleven years old and as tall as I am. Nena is bringing her the first week of May, when it not so cold here. It’s too cold in the other rooms now. I’ve invited them to spend the summer so I can help Donna with her illustrations and teach her about genealogy.”
Lillian had known the crate was coming. Her older cousin died four years ago. The wooden crate was shipped to her when his estate was settled and it was found in his attic. ‘I (snip)
Opening with conflict is a good thing, and the first line gets this narrative off to a good start. But then it stops to explain what’s going on with unneeded exposition. It would be nice to know more of the setting—why is the phone room cold, and does “mail call” mean she’s in a military outpost?
The excess exposition right in the opening foreshadows the possibility of more craft issues later. This is the writer’s first shot at doing this, and there isn’t a better time to learn—kudos for sending it to FtQ. Notes on this opening follow, but my advice is to skip all the backstory and introduction in this chapter and get to the crate, which seems to be the focus of this story. You can fill in character details as needed. One other caution: there are a couple of instances of head-hopping—shifting abruptly from one point of view to another—that is not good practice and can be confusing to a reader. If you’re going to change point of view, a line break and a transition are helpful. Notes:
“NOOOO,” Lily howled. “You can’t do that to me – please – there may be something in that crate I don’t want anyone to see – stuff about my family.” Agitated by the letter she had received from her grandmother at mail call would be a good description of her attitude and state of mind. Normally she would welcome any news from a family member -- except this news. This news upset her more than anything in her recent past. It drove her into the frigid telephone room when it opened. Cold seeped through the cinder-block walls, permeating the entire room as Lily talked to her grandmother, shivering in spite of her heavy coat and mittens. The deleted narrative just isn’t needed, and it explains rather than shows. The dialogue lets the reader know that she’s agitated, no need to tell us. It’s good to open with conflict.
She cried into the phone., “I don’t want that little brat diggin’ through all that stuff ‘til I’ve had a chance to look at it first. She may break something – or worse. Nobody knows what’s in that old stuff crate.” Changed to avoid repetition of “stuff and to introduce the crate.
“Lily Jane Reed,” a stern rebuke came from her grandmother, her namesake. “I will not tolerate you talking about Donna in that manner. Your niece is a sweet young girl. And she’s not little anymore – Donna’s eleven years old and as tall as I am. Nena is bringing herShe’ll be here the first week of May, when it not so cold here. It’s too cold in the other rooms now. I’ve invited them her to spend the summer so I can help Donna with her illustrations and teach her about genealogy.”Suggested change to avoid having too many confusing names in a bunch.
Lillian had known the crate was coming. Her older cousin died four years ago.The wooden crate was had been shipped to her grandmother when hisher cousin’s estate was settled and it was found in his attic. ‘I (snip) Trimmed to delete unnecessary backstory—the timing of the death and shipping don’t matter. There’s also confusion as to who “Lillian” is. The reference to a namesake didn’t make this clear. The way to name the character would be in the earlier paragraph: . . . from her grandmother, Lillian.
Note: there are twelve polls in this post. Please take part.
There was an episode of The Closer a few years back when Brenda (Kyra Sedgwick) learned that her husband, Fritz (Jon Tenney) peed in the shower. She was outraged and threw a hissy fit at this disgusting behavior and demanded that he scour the shower. Wisely, he did. But he didn’t understand why she was upset. After all, it’s washed down the drain right away, right?
Obviously, the writer or writers of this episode knew that the male gender sometimes pees in the shower. Perhaps her reaction was typical of women . . . but the fact is, being of the male persuasion, I don’t know. Do, in fact, women sometimes pee in the shower? Are there women for whom that would not even be worth a shrug?
What do they think/feel?
So it goes when writing a narrative set in your opposite gender’s point of view (POV). I’ve done that—two of the four POV characters in my novel, Hiding Magic, are women. No women who have read it have told me that I mischaracterized the female characters, but I really don’t know if they were just being polite or not. The one gender-specific piece of the narrative that comes to mind is when a female character who is accustomed to wearing pants (she’s a Homeland Security agent) is required to wear a skirt in the middle of a Chicago winter as part of an undercover operation. Here are her thoughts on that:
. . . she hates the skirt—it makes her legs look heavy, and putting one on always feels like a demotion. Damn cold in the wind, too.
Did I get that right? I don’t know—it seemed right for that character, who felt she was a victim of sexism (and temperature). Which brings to mind a universe of things I don’t really know about the feelings and mindsets of my opposite gender, and I suspect it’s the same for you.
What about sexual attraction? A poll.
We write about this all the time, especially in romance novels, but are we getting it right? I wonder, for example, what single feature or aspect of a stranger woman is the first thing that attracts a man’s interest? Figure? Legs? Ass? Breasts? Eyes? Smile?
And what single feature of a stranger man is the first thing that attracts a woman’s interest? Build? Legs? Ass? Chest? Eyes? Smile? Tell us what it is for you.
How to work these polls: due to the nature of these polls, there must be at least two responses in addition to a write-in response. So you will see duplicate gender identities in each poll--choose one of them, but only one. The choices are heterosexual women and men, and gay women and men. For economies of space, I left out bisexual and any other alternatives.
Click either one of the identical gender identity choices—but only one of them.
Write in your answer in the Other box provided.
Heterosexual women
Gay women.
Heterosexual men.
Gay men.
What about peeing in the shower?
While it’s beyond the scope of this post to explore the myriad of differential gender characteristics, perhaps we can shed light on the titular issue. Please respond to your gender-appropriate poll.
What else would you like to know about your opposite gender?
Heterosexual women.
Gay women.
Heterosexual men.
Gay men.
Pass this on to everyone you know.
The more people who answer the polls and surveys in this post, whether writers or not, the more we’ll know. So please pass this post on to friends, family members, whoever you know who can contribute. It’ll be fun to see how this comes out.
I'll post this a few times and then compile the results and report back to you.