Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1001 for Jennifer—are you compelled to turn the page?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.

---

Jennifer sends the first chapter of a middle grade book, When the Time Is Right. The rest of the submission follows the break.

I wake up, yawn, and stretch. Day three at Camp Enigma. Or... wait. Is that right? I feel like I've woken up in this top bunk a lot more than twice.

I roll over, and something thunks to the floor. My book. I know without even looking over the side of the bunk. How do I know it was my book?

"Hey, Vik!" Richie calls from the bunk below. "Watch it!" The bunk beds shake as he climbs up the ladder. "You coulda killed me."

"Did it hit you?" I ask. Not that it really matters. Richie is already crazy. A book to the head isn't going to change much.

"Naw," he says. "I knew it was going to fall."

"Really? You knew?" I roll over to study his face. He doesn't look like he's kidding. "How long have we been at camp?" The words come out of my mouth before I even realize I'm asking. I can feel my cheeks reddening at the stupid-ness of the question.

"First night I broke my arm.” He holds up his cast. “So last night was our second night. So today is day three." He shrugs, like it's no big thing. The look in his eyes, though, says something else. Like something is bothering him.

I open my mouth to ask what's wrong, but Richie cuts me off -

“Duck!” he shouts, leaning sideways.

More good writing in this opener—strong, clear voice and narrative in an immediate scene are all to the good. The scene is set sufficiently so we can “see” just enough. And there are story questions raised, but they are subtle and don’t seem consequential: how did he know it was his book that made the thud, how did his friend know to duck, why does his friend seem bothered. For me, they didn’t quite add up to compelling, but they earned an almost.

But I think the page could have been compelling with one more little incident from the next page added. Unless it’s absolutely necessary to the story that we know immediately that they’ve been there for three days and when his friend broke his arm, I’d cut or move those parts of the narrative to get the following on the first page right after Richie shouts to duck:

A balled-up sock comes at me from the other top bunk and hits me in the side of the head. It came from behind Richie. He couldn’t possibly have seen it coming. And yet he still somehow knew. What is going on?

Add this to the list of what’s-going-on-questions already raised and you’ve got me.

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2016 by Jenifer

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1000 for Janine—are you compelled to turn the page?

Flogging number 1000 is today, wherein we look at a unique approach with an experimental feel to it. See if it works for you. I’ll be drawing names today for who wins what in the FtQ Giveaway.

These are the books winners can choose from. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown

 

 

Let the flogging begin.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.

---

Janine sends the first chapter of a story with the working title of Refraction. The rest of the submission follows the break.

“There you are.” Only the words are clear. The image is blurry, but snaps into focus. A girl who looks to be in her early 20’s sits on the ground, her back against a brick wall, a backpack on the ground next to her. Her body is a profile looking left, her right hand is wrapped around her knees, her face angled to the left and her head hangs down. She twists a small piece of hair around her left ring finger, tugs at it so the skin at the base of her neck stretches in a small ridge. Pulling her hand through until the strand falls, she takes the same piece of hair and repeats, every time pulls a little harder and releases more reluctantly She glances around as she rewinds the strand, then closes her eyes. The skin pulls taught, then quivers as the hairs are torn from their roots, a few at a time, until the skin snaps back and the hair around her finger hangs loose. She runs the broken roots of the hair around the edge of her lips, then balls it up in her palm. Standing, she pulls the backpack onto one shoulder, then walks toward the left. The camera follows her as she passes a garbage can, her hand opens and the crumpled hair falls in. The voice returns, soft and steady, “I see you. I see you now.”

In the bottom right corner of the screen there is a timestamp that reads Thu Sept 16, 2015 16:28

The camera shuts off.

For me, there is something mesmerizing about the extent of detail in this narrative. It would ordinarily be overwriting, but it goes on and on, and becomes an intentional, tightly focused view of a moment. And we begin to understand that someone is watching “the girl” and videotaping it.

The same mesmerizing style continues with camera shot after camera shot until we get the feel of someone stalking the girl, and that not all is right with the someone doing the stalking. There seems to be jeopardy developing for “the girl.” Yet we get no idea of what the story is about. I did read on, largely because of the last “I see you” line on the first page, and might read further than the first chapter, depending on what happens after it ends. A word of caution to Janine: those humongous blocks of text will stop some readers, and you’ll be better off breaking them up into paragraphs just for the sake of readability.

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2016 by Brent

Happy Thanksgiving and oops

Got caught up with family visiting during Thanksgiving and in the Apple Cup game, forgot to do flogging number 1000. Oops.

It'll be on Monday. Because of that slip, it's not too late to send a submission and win a free ebook. Send chapters/prologues as attachments along with permission to post on FtQ.

The books you can choose from are below.

You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown

 

 

See you Monday.

Ray

Flogometer 999 for Samantha—are you compelled to turn the page?

Big FtQ giveaway for flog number 1000!

We're almost to flogging number 1000. Starting last Wednesday, there were six writers who will get me there. I'm putting their names into a pot and will randomly draw them out to receive:

• First prize: any two of my books in paperback plus three of them as ebooks, or all five of them in ebook form.
• Runners-up: any three of my books in ebook form

Plus a book for every submission between now and November 25^rd that doesn't make the cut: if you submit between now and when the 1000^th flogging occurs on Friday, November 25th, but are too late to be included in the first six, I will give to all who submit one ebook of their choice.

To submit your first chapter or prologue or prologue/first chapter, email an attachment to me (but not a PDF). First come, first served.

Here are the five books that are available. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown

 

 

Let the flogging begin.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.

---

Samantha sends the first chapter of The Subtle Ether: A Memoir of the Space Between.

I have come, again, to my parents’ house in Glasgow, the home I grew up in. I slip the worn key into the lock, and as I open the door a churning sadness clambers into me. It always does when I step through this doorway and into my childhood home. The roof leaks. Ceilings have collapsed in unused rooms and the windows are about to fall out of their frames. In the basement, the plaster walls are as wet as cottage cheese. The bedroom wallpaper is black with mildew. Dead moths cover the carpets. I know the slow decay that will greet me as I enter. But this time something is different. This time my parents are not waiting to greet me, because they are both dead. The house belongs to me and my two brothers now. It is time to dismantle what remains of our parents’ long life together here. The task ahead of us is enormous, daunting. Nine rooms to clear, some stacked to the ceiling with forty-five years’ worth of upturned sofas, defunct televisions and old bicycles. We’ve hardly begun.

It’s a tall, narrow house in one of three identical streets of handsome sandstone terraces built in the late nineteenth century. Once elegant, they had become run down and soot-blackened by the time we moved here in 1970, when I was two. In those days families aspired to well-appointed bungalows with driveways and big gardens in tree-lined suburban streets, not the faded gentility of these urban terraces. When we moved here most of the houses had been split into flats and bedsits. But ours was a whole house, two upper stories (snip)

Should memoir be held to the same “compelling” standard that I require of good fiction? I think it should, but I’m also a little uncertain about that. I do believe that a memoir should be a story, but I also know that memoir is different, that people have different expectations for it than they do fiction.

The writing and voice are excellent here, hard to deny. The subject is one that could well reel in the interest of anyone who has dealt or is dealing with aging, dying parents. Memoir, like fiction, can help us understand how to deal with the issues in our lives. For this reader, the topic, along with the strong writing, were enough to lead me further. Still, I think the page would be a stronger “turner” if some of the description of the house had been put off in order to let this sentence from the next page come at the end of the first:

Because not long after we moved here my mother changed into someone none of us knew any more.

That line promises story, and that’s what we come to books for, isn’t it?

One caution to Samantha: long blocks of narrative in huge paragraphs are off-putting, and I suggest you look for places to break them up into shorter, more easily consumed pieces.

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2016 by Brent

Flog a BookBubber 50: Paul Levine

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first page of The Deep Blue Alibi. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter, with poll, follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

“Forget it, Steve. I’m not having sex in the ocean.”

“C’mon,” he pleaded. “Be adventurous.”

“It’s undignified and unsanitary. Maybe even illegal.”

“It’s the Keys, Vic. Nothing’s illegal.”

Steve Solomon and Victoria Lord waded in the shallow water just off Sunset Key. At the horizon, the sun sizzled just above the Gulf.

“In this light, you’re really magnificent,” he said.

“Nice try, hotshot, but the bikini stays on.”

Still, she had to admit that there was something erotic about the warm water, the salty breeze, the glow of the setting sun. And Steve looked totally hot, his complexion tinged reddish bronze, his dark hair slick and lustrous.

If only I didn’t have to drop a bombshell on him tonight.

“It’ll be great.” He slipped his arms around her waist. “A saltwater hump-a-rama.”

Dear God. Did the man I think I love really say “hump-a-rama”?

“We can’t. There are people around.”

Twenty yards away, a young couple with that honeymoon look— satiated and clueless— peddled by on a water bike. On the beach, hotel guests carried drinks in plastic cups along the (snip)

Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This book received 4.1 stars on Amazon. I definitely enjoyed the writing and the voice in this opening page. And the first line is an attention-getter. The scene is also set nicely and naturally with snippets of description and snappy dialogue. So what’s not to like?

How about the lack of story questions that arise from what’s happening? There is a story question raised, the one where you might wonder what the bombshell she’s going to drop is, but I think it’s the writer just playing with me, teasing me along. Sure, writers need to do that, but this reader didn’t go for being teased and then led into description and romance-type stuff instead of getting to the bombshell. As well done as the writing is, I think this author could have used some editorial help on the storytelling side aimed at setting a deep-enough hook to compel a page-turn. But, I’ll admit, this came close. This book is billed as a legal thriller--if only something from thatpart of the story had been on the first page.

You can turn the page here.

Your thoughts about needing an editor?

Flogometer 998 for Brent—are you compelled to turn the page

Big FtQ giveaway for flog number 1000!

We're counting down to flogging number 1000. Starting last Wednesday, there will be six writers who will get me there. I'm putting their names into a pot and will randomly draw them out to receive:

• First prize: any two of my books in paperback plus three of them as ebooks, or all five of them in ebook form.
• Runners-up: any three of my books in ebook form

Plus a book for every submission between now and November 25^rd that doesn't make the cut: if you submit between now and when the 1000^th flogging occurs on Friday, November 25th, but are too late to be included in the first six, I will give to all who submit one ebook of their choice.

To submit your first chapter or prologue or prologue/first chapter, email an attachment to me (but not a PDF). First come, first served.

Here are the five books that are available. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown

 

 

Let the flogging begin.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.

---

Brent sends the first chapter of a mystery, Forget It!. The rest of the submission follows the break.

When Althea turned her back and pulled up her shirt, Mary choked off a scream and started to cry.

I forced myself to not look away. The keloid scars stood bold and angry, red worms tunneling through Althea’s chestnut skin.

Red worms driven by a serrated hunting knife, forming a hakenkreuz. A swastika. A symbol of hatred, inscribed in the small of Althea Dorrell’s back. A taunt the size of a salad plate, carved – hacked, really – into her flesh.

“You can put your shirt down.” Wendy’s voice, calm, soft but commanding. A doctor counseling her patient, except that Althea wasn’t her patient, but an old friend of Mary, and thus, more recently, of Wendy.

“There’s… more.”

Her face still turned toward the paneled wall of the trailer, Althea struggled to lift her shirt further. I couldn’t decide if the limitation lay in her arms, or in her willingness – her ability – to share her pain with us.

Or in Althea feeling like the subject of an interrogation. On the tired couch, alone. Mary and Wendy at wooden chairs around the small dining table, facing her. Me in a third chair, pulled away from the table, so I could see Althea, study her, with nothing between us but the ghosts of (snip)

Another strong submission today. Since it’s a mystery, good story questions are raised. Who did this terrible thing? What more is there? Will there be justice? What happened to her? The writing is clear, the voice good, and we’re immersed right into an immediate scene. There’s one thing that needs attention, though. Give us a name or gender for the narrator. I had assumed it was a woman since everyone else is, but it turns out that the narrator is a man. Read on, you won’t be disappointed.

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2016 by Brent

Flogometer 997 for Chris—are you compelled to turn the page?

Big FtQ giveaway for flog number 1000!

We're counting down to flogging number 1000. Starting last Wednesday, there will be six writers who will get me there. I'm putting their names into a pot and will randomly draw them out to receive:

• First prize: any two of my books in paperback plus three of them as ebooks, or all five of them in ebook form.
• Runners-up: any three of my books in ebook form

Plus a book for every submission between now and November 25^rd that doesn't make the cut: if you submit between now and when the 1000^th flogging occurs on Friday, November 25th, but are too late to be included in the first six, I will give to all who submit one ebook of their choice.

To submit your first chapter or prologue or prologue/first chapter, email an attachment to me (but not a PDF). First come, first served.

Here are the five books that are available. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown

 

 

Let the flogging begin.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.

---

Chris sends the first chapter of a suspense story, Straight River. The rest of the submission follows the break.

The allegretto fugue passage in the third movement of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony is difficult for even the most talented double bass player, but it was especially difficult for Matt because the tears in his eyes blurred the mass of rapid-fire black notes into a bizarrely striated Rorschach inkblot.

He hoped the tears on his cheek weren’t visible to the people in the front rows of the Orchestra Hall audience. As a member of the double bass section, Matt usually sat in the second row of bassists with his chair on the edge of the stage nearest the audience. Patrons rarely paid attention to the string basses unless they were the only section playing, so Matt wasn't overly concerned, but he still felt self-conscious.

He hadn’t expected to cry at all, especially before his grief had a chance to fully develop. But Beethoven’s Fifth had been one of the few classical pieces his father enjoyed and had heard enough to be familiar with the double bass part.

When the passage ended and he had a chance to relax for a few seconds, Matt blinked hard to clear his eyes, then glanced at the audience.

His stand partner stage whispered, "You okay?"

Matt straightened, gave him a curt nod, and refocused on his sheet music. But Matt wasn’t okay. Minutes before going on stage for the second half of the program, he'd received a (snip)

I like the good, clear, clean writing in this narrative, and the fact that we’re starting in close on a character. And he’s a character in turmoil, apparently grieving over his father. We learn in the chapter that his father has died unexpectedly and the protagonist will have to go home to deal with a funeral, etc.

But what about story questions? A person being hit with the passing of a parent is a fairly common opening, and it seems that the writer may think we’ll feel the grief, perhaps, and then wonder how the character will deal with it. But, for me, that’s not much of a story, or a story question. Unless the death brings immediate changes and consequences to a character’s life, it isn’t really the inciting incident. Here, it just means his schedule will be disturbed and he has to go home to deal with things. So? This is supposed to be a suspense story, but, for me, suspense is the one thing it lacks at this point.

I’m pretty sure this story isn’t about music, but, by the end of the chapter, I didn’t know any more about what the story concerned, at least not as far as a goal the character has, what threatens/challenges him, and what he is forced to do to deal with it. I think that this story starts, I’m hoping, in the second chapter. If it does, that’s where the first page needs to begin. Look later, Chris, for that moment when Matt is challenged, is confronted by something that can change him or his life. The parent’s death isn’t it, I suspect, but something waiting for him when he gets to the farm. You need to get the reader there asap.

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2016 by Chris

Flog a BookBubber 49: Anita Valle

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.

Today we’ll see how a prologue and first chapter compare in a fantase story. Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first page in the prologue of Maelyn: The Nine Princesses. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter, with poll, follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Prologue:

The child was too young to understand death. All she knew was that Mama would not move. The child prodded and whined and stomped her small feet. But nothing stirred Mama from her bed.

When the cottage darkened, the child slept on the floor rushes, collecting bits of dried grass in her brown hair. At dawn she rubbed her eyes with the backs of her hands and cried at the pain in her belly. She could speak the word 'bread' but she could not find any.

She padded to the door and gripped the latch above her head. Without looking back at Mama, she ventured out in quest of bread.

Everything felt warm. The drying mud that clutched her toes; the breeze against her cheeks; the puddle of rainwater in which she dunked her face, gulping until it dribbled a dark streak down the front of her dress.

She wandered across the scant village, in and out of the scattered huts. No bread. No animals. No people either, except a few who slept like Mama.

In the last cottage she found half an apple and a wedge of cheese on a low sill. She devoured them on sight. The pain in her belly ebbed, but not enough.

Wandering out again, the child watched the stillness around her. She didn’t understand the quiet, only the feeling of wrongness it gave her. So her small feet turned away from the (snip)

Chapter 1: Fifteen years later

Princess Maelyn frowned at the royal messenger. "Rowan, you look terrible. Your face is red as fire."

“I feel terrible.” Rowan grimaced and rubbed his forehead. “But no matter, my lady, it will pass. I’ve come with a message from your uncle, the High King of Grunwold.”

Maelyn stiffened in her throne. She liked her uncle as much as she liked bandits in her bedchamber. Less. At least bandits could be hanged.

“He wants to know if the rumors are true,” said Rowan.

Maelyn lifted her chin. “What rumors?” Though she already knew.

Rowan cast down his eyes, flawlessly respectful. “The rumors that you have dismissed every servant in the castle.”

Maelyn did not even blink. “I have.”

“The footmen?”

“Yes.”

“The counselors?”

“Yes.”

“Even your ladies-in-waiting?”

“All of the servants,” said Maelyn, impatience crawling through her tone. “I expelled (snip)

Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This book received 4.3 stars on Amazon. I thought the writing and the voice were strong in both the prologue and the first chapter. Although the prologue is rendered at a distance, the child’s predicament creates strong “why did this happen” and “what will happen to her” story questions. For my money, I would delete the first sentence about understanding death and let the reader discover what’s going on. I'd also give a closer point of view to let the reader in on the child's experience, but this is a fairly standard approach to fantasy. It got the job done.

In the chapter opening, I was drawn in by the “why did she do that” story question. Dismissing all the royal servants is clearly far outside the norm. One little edit—I would not have the messenger refer to the king as her uncle. I would just have something like “the High King of Grunwold.” Then the next paragraph clearly lets us know that he’s her uncle. Other than that, the narrative is good. I turned the page this time, too.

You can turn the page here.

Your thoughts about needing an editor?

Flogometer 996 for Jessica—are you compelled to turn the page?

Big FtQ giveaway for flog number 1000!

We're coming up on flogging number 1000. Starting last Wednesday, there will be six writers who will get me there. I'm putting their names into a pot and will randomly draw them out to receive:

• First prize: any two of my books in paperback plus three of them as ebooks, or all five of them in ebook form.
• Runners-up: any three of my books in ebook form

Plus a book for every submission between now and November 25^rd that doesn't make the cut: if you submit between now and when the 1000^th flogging occurs on Friday, November 25th, but are too late to be included in the first six, I will give to all who submit one ebook of their choice.

To submit your first chapter or prologue or prologue/first chapter, email an attachment to me (but not a PDF). First come, first served.

Here are the five books that are available. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown

 

 

Let the flogging begin.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.

---

Jessica sends the first chapter of The Waiting Game. The rest of the submission follows the break.

I heaved a sigh as I dropped my bags on the living room floor. It had been a long day of cross-country travel. After I got fed up with visiting my mom and step-dad in San Francisco, I'd finagled an earlier flight, ready to get away from the familial infighting. I was glad to be back in Washington, D.C., ready to get back to my normal life. It had been the kind of family time that left someone glad to return to work.

My fiancé too, I was glad to return to him. It wasn’t often that Kyle Spencer and I spent more than a day apart, let alone nearly a week. And I had just enough time to shower and change before he'd be home from work.

I kicked my shoes off in the hall. As I pushed open the bedroom door, I pulled my sweatshirt over my head. My head popped free with a jerk, I was left staring at my bed, the bed I shared with the man I was going to marry.

And the bare back of a slim woman with cascading brown curls as she bounced up and down. She let out a moan as she moved, and I wrenched my shirt back over my head, preparing for the battle I knew was coming.

I could hear Kyle now, the familiar noises that he'd made so many times with me. I still couldn't see him, trapped, as he was, under the bouncing brunette. I was shaking, stunned, and I couldn't even think of what to do with myself. I stood, listening to them, watching the girl writhe (snip)

Once again, good writing and voice. And a strong “what will happen next” story question. The character is sympathetic—first, the not-great family visit, and then finding herself cuckqueaned. While this isn’t a unique situation for fiction, it is one that, for me, compels reading further.

But I think the writing could be tweaked a bit. And there’s one thing I’m not sure is credible. When people are making mad passionate love as this pair is, it is not silent. There is, at the least, heavy breathing. And what bed is totally silent when being bounced upon? In addition to breathing, people make other sounds as well. I’ve come home to a silent home many times, as I’m sure you have, and am certain that the sounds that would be coming from that bedroom would be audible to her before she enters the doorway to her bedroom.

I think it might be stronger if she did hear sounds, and then dismiss them. For example, what if they live in an apartment with thin walls and there is a neighbor couple that makes similar noises, though usually at night. She could even remark on the fact that it’s the afternoon, those animals. And then discover the coupling going on in her home. To make room on the first page for something like this, simply reduce the introductory part about her family. What do you think? One other note for Jessica--I think you need more of a transition later when she walks out to let the reader know the new setting and time. Editorial notes:

I heaved a sigh as I dropped my bags on the living room floor. It had been a long day of cross-country travel. After I got fed up with visiting my mom and step-dad in San Francisco, I'd finagled an earlier flight, ready to get away from the familial infighting. I was glad to be back in Washington, D.C., ready to get back to my normal life. It had been the kind of family time that left someone me glad to return to work.

My And to my fiancé too, I was glad to return to him. It wasn’t often that Kyle Spencer and I spent more than a day apart, let alone nearly a week. And I had just enough time to shower and change before he'd be home from work. No need to echo “glad to return” here, it has already been said. And she would not think of her fiancé by his full name.

I kicked my shoes off in the hall. As I pushed open the bedroom door, I pulled my sweatshirt over my head. My head popped free with a jerk, I was left staring at my bed, the bed I shared with the man I was going to marry.

And the bare back of a slim woman with cascading brown curls as she bounced up and down. She let out a moan as she moved, and I wrenched my shirt back over my head, preparing for the battle I knew was coming. Seems to me that, unless the lovers were otherwise covered with bedding, and that seems unlikely, she would have also seen at least the bottom half of him—his legs, feet, etc. For example, wouldn’t she also see: as she bounced up and down on hips and other body parts that I knew intimately. I'm not convinced that she would be thinking of preparing for a battle at this moment--she would go directly to the shock that is portrayed in the next paragraph. You could easily cut out that part.

I could hear Kyle now,Kyle was making the familiar noises that he'd made so many times with me. I still couldn't see him, trapped, as he was, under the bouncing brunette. I was shaking, stunned, and I couldn't even think of what to do with myself. I stood, listening to them, watching the girl writhe (snip) The “I could hear” is a filter that pushes us away from being immersed in the character’s experience.

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2016 by Jared

Flogometer 995 for Michelle and Anna —are you compelled to turn the page?

Big FtQ giveaway for flog number 1000!

Starting today, there are six floggings to go in order to reach 1000.  I’m going to put the names of those six writers into a pot and randomly draw them out to receive:

• First prize: any two of my books in paperback plus three of them as ebooks, or all five of them in ebook form.
• Runners-up: any three of my books in ebook form

Plus a book for every submission between now and November 25^rd that doesn't make the cut: if you submit between now and when the 1000^th flogging occurs on Friday, November 25th, but are too late to be included in the first six, I will give to all who submit one ebook of their choice.

To submit your first chapter or prologue or prologue/first chapter, email an attachment to me (but not a PDF). First come, first served.

Here are the five books that are available. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown

 

 

Let the 995th flogging begin.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.

---

Michelle and Anna, FtQ’s first co-writer submission, send the prologue and first chapter of Milfia. The rest of the submission follows the break.

The ice cubes I fished out of my glass feel good on my red, swollen knuckles. A Bloody Mary for a bloody fist.

Is this a sign that my life is about to become a bloody mess? Again?

The school moms would have a chirpfest about me drinking before noon on a Wednesday. But at least it’s not the Lord’s day. And technically it is their fault—specifically that perky one with the clipboard and the gold-plated pen.

“Yoo hoo, Halloo-oo!” she called as I was about to push through the bulletproof doors of Diamond Cove Elementary. “I’m Eloise’s mom, Mags Devayne.”

Right. I had not met little Eloise yet, or any of my son’s other classmates, so why the devil was this woman ignoring the most basic rule of drop-off? Sunglasses on = don’t talk to me. For all she knew, I could have been bawling my eyes out under my shades, after all it was only my baby’s second day of kindergarten. But she bounded right up, tapping her fancy pen on her clipboard. If she was looking to fundraise for the PTA, maybe I could suggest a pen auction.

“And you must be Tory’s mom?” Mags asked. An easy enough question but I replayed it in my head to double check. Whenever someone asks about Tory, Alex, or any other part of my personal life, I pause to make sure I don’t say too much.

“Yes, I am Tory’s mother, Rae.” I replied, erring on the side of formality. Not the kind of (snip)

A good, strong voice and good writing start this opening off right. So do the hints at story with the bloody knuckles and drinking at noon, especially in the context of a kindergarten class. For me, those elements were enough for a page turn even though there are no clear signs of jeopardy. There isn't a strong "what happens next?" story question, but there's a dandy "why did that happen?" question with the bloody knuckles and the drinking.

But something does go wrong for her right away to inject conflict—she is accosted by a mom despite the “rules” of drop-off. Clearly Rae doesn’t want to be involved for some reason. We can feel empathy for her wish to not be bothered—we’ve had mornings like that, I’m sure.

However, I felt there was an opportunity missed for increasing the reader’s interest, and a clarity issue. Read on, the chapter is interesting and fun and promises a good story ahead. Editorial notes:

The ice cubes I fished out of my glass feel good on my red, swollen knuckles. A Bloody Mary for a bloody fist.

Is this a sign that my life is about to become a bloody mess? Again?

The school moms would have a chirpfest about me drinking before noon in a strip bar on a Wednesday. But at least it’s not the Lord’s day. And technically it is their fault—specifically that perky one with the clipboard and the gold-plated pen. Added where she is to increase curiosity and to help set the scene.

“Yoo hoo, Halloo-oo!” she called as I was about to push through the bulletproof doors of Diamond Cove Elementary. “I’m Eloise’s mom, Mags Devayne.” “Bulletproof doors” does give a nice hint that there is something different about this story. I suggest more of a transition to avoid potential confusion about change of tense from present to past. What’s here isn’t incorrect, but it also isn’t clear, IMO. Thoughtstarter: Was it only yesterday I was pushing through the bulletproof doors of Diamond Cove Elementary when she called, “Yoo hoo, Halloo-oo?” While this does make the shift clear, it also includes the risk of turning a reader off by signaling a flashback. But I think the opening is strong enough to get a reader to continue because it promises the answer to a good story question, why does she have bloody knuckles?

Right. I had not met little Eloise yet, or any of my son’s other classmates, so why the devil was this woman ignoring the most basic rule of drop-off? Sunglasses on = don’t talk to me. For all she knew, I could have been bawling my eyes out under my shades, after all it was only my baby’s second day of kindergarten. But she bounded right up, tapping her fancy pen on her clipboard. If she was looking to fundraise for the PTA, maybe I could suggest a pen auction.

“And you must be Tory’s mom?” Mags asked. An easy enough question but I replayed it in my head to double check. Whenever someone asks about Tory, Alex, or any other part of my personal life, I pause to make sure I don’t say too much.

“Yes, I am Tory’s mother, Rae.” I replied, erring on the side of formality. Not the kind of (snip)

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2016 by Jared