Ah, it's good to be back to flogging again. My Gundown giveaway isn't getting the downloads I'd hoped for, but they are happening slowly. I hope you'll consider it--the page with download links is here.
Submissions welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Download a free PDF copy here.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.
Tony sends the first chapter of a novella, Kelly’s Curse.. The rest of the submission follows the break.
It didn’t take long before Kelly Chamberlain encountered his first bully of the day. Walking on the sidewalk, along the left side of the street, he kept his eyes glued on houses on that side of the street. They appeared to be asleep, and he hoped they’d stay that way. Minutes later, he picked up that distinctive rumble. A sound he dreaded. One of the houses had awakened and began yawning. His nerves tingled as the garage door rose. He shortened his stride, all the while fixating on its open mouth. It probably wouldn’t take long for the bully to show himself. Should he run past the driveway or wait? The mere fact he had to ask himself that question bothered him. Pedestrians normally have the right of way, but that wasn’t in his experience. In the mornings, bullies often exited their driveways without checking for anything or anyone behind them. They were too busy gabbing on their cellphones, fidgeting with their radios or navigation systems, or tending to their badass kids having fits in the back seat. This morning, he chose to stop and give this bully the right of way.
Seconds later, the bully appeared and coasted down the driveway, his head swiveling from side to side like a spectator at a ping-pong match. Look at that! This guy forgot how to use his brakes this morning. Kelly saw the exact moment when the guy finally spotted him, and what did he see? The guy had the audacity go throw him an annoying stare. What the hell is he looking at? Am I inconveniencing him? Doesn’t he care about anybody other than himself? (snip)
I had mixed feelings about this opening. There is definitely something appealing and a little quirky about it, so there was interest. On the other hand, it doesn’t really raise a story question. Kelly avoids the “bully,” and all seems well.
And there are small but noticeable craft issues—a shift in verb tense, and what feels to me like a little overwriting. I gave it an almost. Notes:
It didn’t take long before Kelly Chamberlain encountered his first bully of the day. Walking on the sidewalk, along the left side of the street, he kept his eyes glued on houses on his that side of the street. They appeared to be asleep, and he hoped they’d stay that way. Added a paragraph break here as the top shifts in time and what’s happening. Interesting way to think about houses in the morning.
Minutes later, he picked up that distinctive rumble. A sound he dreaded. One of the houses had awakened and began begun yawning. His nerves tingled as the garage door rose. He shortened his stride, all the while fixating on its open mouth. (Added another paragraph break.)
It probably wouldn’t take long for the bully to show himself. Should he run past the driveway or wait? The mere fact he had to ask himself that question bothered him. Pedestrians normally had have the right of way, but that wasn’t true in his experience. In the mornings, bullies often exited their driveways without checking for anything or anyone behind them. They were too busy gabbing on their cellphones, fidgeting with their radios or navigation systems, or tending to their badass kids having fits in the back seat. This morning, he chose to stop and give this bully the right of way.
Seconds later, the bully appeared and coasted down the driveway, his head swiveling from side to side like a spectator at a ping-pong match. Look at that! This guy forgot how to use his brakes this morning. Kelly saw the exact moment when the guy finally spotted him, and what did he see? The guy had the audacity go throw him an annoying stare. What the hell was is he looking at? Am Was I inconveniencing him? Doesn’t Didn’t he care about anybody other than himself? Clarity issue: the highlighted part has a pronoun antecedent problem—who is the “he” who is doing the seeing? The construction means that the driver is, but I think it means to have Kelly seeing something. This can be cleared up by using a noun/Name instead of the pronoun. Also, there are shifts to present tense, and, even though they are for Kelly’s thoughts, I think they should stick with past tense.(snip)
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2016 by Tony
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