Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.
Should this author have hired an editor? Here are the first 17 manuscript lines from the first chapter of 48 Hours to Die: An Anthony Stone Novel. A flogging follows my opinion of this work.
Mary sat in the living room on her couch enjoying a glass of wine. She had been laying around the house all day since Tuesdays were her only day off. On nights like this, Mary wished that she had a boyfriend, but right now, she was focused on her career instead, so a boyfriend would have to wait. Mary laid across the couch when she heard what sounded like someone tapping on the window near the kitchen. Mary quickly sat up and muted the TV to make sure the wine wasn't playing tricks on her. She listened carefully for a few seconds, once she was sure that no one was tapping on the window she turned the TV back up. Mary sipped on her wine when she heard the tapping sound again. She slowly stood to her feet, walked over towards the kitchen window, and peeked outside.
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
The loud banging on the front door startled Mary, causing her to drop her glass of wine on the kitchen floor. She slowly inched her way towards the front door when the loud banging continued.
BANG!
BANG!
Poll
Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow. You can turn the page here.
This book averaged 3.2 stars on Amazon. This opening does raise story questions—what is going on, what is the banging—but does it rise to the level of compelling? For me, not really. We open with sipping and musing, then noise. But Mary doesn’t seem to feel any concern—even though, as we learn later, there have already been two gruesome murders of single women in her town. More than that, though, are craft issues. As usual, a first page foreshadows what is to come, and what is to come isn’t professional-grade writing. The story might be there, but the writing to immerse us in it isn’t. Notes follow.
What do you think?
Editorial notes:
Mary sat in the living room on her living room couch, enjoying a glass of wine and her favorite sitcom when She had been laying lying around the house all day since Tuesdays were her only day off. On nights like this, Mary wished that she had a boyfriend, but right now, she was focused on her career instead, so a boyfriend would have to wait. Mary laid lay across the couch when she heard what sounded like someone tapping on the window near the kitchen crept into the laugh track. Mary She quickly sat up and muted the TV, to make sure the wine wasn't playing tricks on her. She listened carefully for a few seconds, once she was sure that no one was tapping on the window she turned the TV back up. Mary sipped on her wine when she heard the tapping sound again. She slowly stood to her feet, walked over towards went to the kitchen window, and peeked outside.
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
The loud banging Banging on the front door startled Mary, and she dropped causing her to drop her glass of wine on the kitchen floor. She slowly inched her way towards the front door when the loud banging continued.
BANG!
BANG!
Edit poll
© 2016 Ray Rhamey