Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Louise—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions needed, none in the queue. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.

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Louise sends the first chapter of a creative nonfiction story, a true story, titled Forgiven.. The rest of the submission follows the break.

I am not a brave person. I do not imagine that I would have faced my death with courage. Had I died in the genocide of 1994, they would have found on me the same defensive wounds that are found on the victims as they raised their arms in a futile attempt to prevent the machete from achieving its purpose. My flesh would have proved no match for sharpened steel forcefully delivered.

Long after some of my friends have exiled themselves and a long, long time after many of my friends and family were severed from the importance of their lives, I am still here, in Rwanda.

My name is Jonathan Muzungogo and I was born in a village called Cyangugu, which rests alongside the great Lake Kivu in the Western Province of a district known as Nyamasheke in the small and beautiful country of Rwanda positioned rather perfectly in the centre of Africa.

From the moment of my birth I was different. Born to be different. Set apart from the ruling Hutu tribe that would rip my family and my country apart which would cause my heart to be wrenched from my soul, challenging the very nature of what it is to be human and forcing upon me the setting for my life’s work.

I was brought into this world to be the only son of a Tutsi family with three older sisters and one younger. I have a difference that was not celebrated in my country, being part of the (snip)

This opens with a distinct (and likable) voice. It felt true to the African nature of the character, and created immediate appeal. This isn’t a man musing, it’s a man setting out to tell us a story.

But, getting to the things a first page should try to achieve even in nonfiction, one of those it to give us a hint of either what the story is about or some sort of immediate story tension that makes us want to know what happens next. This opening doesn’t quite make the cut for me, as intriguing as the world and the character promise to be. On the other hand, I don’t think it would take a lot to include something that gives a hint of the larger story and why we should want to read it. Perhaps knowing what his life’s work in the face of massacres would make that difference. Promising, for sure. There may be a stronger opening in beginning with the later scene of his mother mysteriously packing and then folding in some of the initial material later. Keep at it, Louise.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2016 by Louise

Flog a BookBubber 37: Tom Barber

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says  that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.

Should this author have hired an editor? Here are the first 17 manuscript lines from the first chapter of One Way (Sam Archer Book 3).

Note: an alternative opening follows this, along with a poll.

Two officers from East Hampton Town PD took the call. Both male, they’d joined the Department fresh from the Suffolk County Police Academy three years ago, and after a twelve-week orientation and on-the-job training programme, had been partners ever since.

East Hampton Town PD is made up of fifty-six officers who perform all of the law-enforcement tasks the area requires. The Hamptons are a group of villages forming a part of Long Island that everyone associates with wealth; the rich and famous frequently choose to vacation there, some renting places for the season and others just buying them outright to save hassle. Whichever option they take, the Hamptons contain some of the most expensive residential properties not just on the East Coast, but in all of the United States. There was a reason the region served as a setting in The Great Gatsby; the area evokes the glamour and sophistication of a prosperous present and romanticised past.

Given the demographic and the amount of zeroes a person needs in their bank account just to rent a place there, crime is low. Most of those who vacation and live in the Hamptons are the business and social crème de la crème, so any illegal activity tends to be either petty stuff or at the opposite end of the spectrum, serious accounting, fraud or business transgressions which an FBI or a Financial Crimes task force from the city handles. The most common illegal deed is burglary, thieves capitalising on properties mothballed for long periods out of season or when the (snip)

Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow. You can turn the page here.

This book averaged 4.6 stars on Amazon. Congratulations to Mr. Barber for writing what I think is the most boring opening yet uncovered in the Flog a Bookbubber series. Does any of this info dump matter? Actually, no. Neither of the two unnamed cops figures later in the story, so their training doesn’t matter. All the stuff about the Hamptons can be folded in when needed.

There’s simply no story here. In contrast, here’s the narrative picked up from later in the scene. See if you think this is a better opening. A poll follows.

The house had a Mediterranean feel, light, open and airy with a polished tile floor which would keep the place cool in the hot weather. There were impressive paintings on the walls either side of the hallway, an ornate mirror hanging above a gold gilt marble-topped table to the right, a large crystal lamp and vase of flowers placed on the top.

The two cops stepped inside slowly, taking care not to touch or disturb anything. They made their way down the corridor and passed through an open door to arrive at what was the main living area.

It was spacious and open-plan, conjoined with a large kitchen and separated by a long granite-topped counter. Matching the exterior of the house, the walls were painted white and cream.

It meant the blood spattered all over them stood out starkly.

There were bodies strewn everywhere. Men. Women. Children. It was clear from the remaining foodstuffs on the counter and on a dining table that they’d been killed at or just prior to lunchtime.

Bowls of salad and plates of sliced cold-cuts were sitting abandoned. Glasses and plates were shattered all over the floor, shards of glass and pieces of bone china lying amongst spilt food.

Bottles of wine and beer had either been fragmented by gunfire or were lying smashed on the counter, table and floor, the liquid mixing with the food and blood.

What do you think?

A shout-out for Kalli, by Laura Abbott

I urge you to check out a highly entertaining book by Laura Abbott, former managing editor of Amber Quill Press. Laura and I connected some time ago and have become writing pals—she has beta-read some of my work, and I did a critique of her new book, Kalli: A Spaniel’s life.

I recommend it highly. It’s a fun and touching story, and Laura is a terrific writer. Here’s the blurb from the Amazon page:

At just a few months old, Kalli arrived in her forever home—determined to train her new owners, Laura and Marc Abbott, to be perfect humans.

Brilliant, fearless, and displaying little patience for the antics of other dogs, she was always a spaniel with a mind of her own. Even in the face of obedience classes, the calculating canine was constantly plotting her next move, working the system in any way she possibly could.

But it wasn’t just Laura and Marc’s lives that Kalli changed forever. As a certified therapy dog, she helped teenage girls with substance abuse problems—and even assisted a young man as he learned to speak again in the wake of a stroke.

In Kalli: A Spaniel’s Life, you’ll discover the extraordinary story of this very special companion—from her adventures as a young puppy to her therapy work and the many people she touched throughout her life.

Featuring passages with Kalli’s personal thoughts and insights, this hilarious and heartfelt memoir also delves into the process of animal communication and how a beloved pet’s guidance continued to impact her owners even after the end of her earthly life.

You’ll be glad you read it.

For what it’s worth,

Ray

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© 2016 Ray Rhamey

Wasted opportunities for stronger narrative: limp dialogue “activity” beats

Part of one of my workshops at writers conferences focuses on “Dynamic Dialogue,” and the reason it does is how often what writers do as dialogue beats fails miserably in furthering story or character. I’m going to show you examples from editing clients, but first, a little on what dialogue beats are.

Dialogue beats can be:

Action

Melissa turned to Irving. “Why don’t you zip up your pants?”

Melvin shrugged. “Air conditioning.”

Description

Farnsworth’s voice came from under the couch in a whisper that ended with a sob. “Where do you think the monster is hiding?”

Internal monologue (thoughts)

She raised her hand and hoped her voice wouldn’t squeak. “Um, professor, I think that’s wrong.”

Here’s what they can do:

• Advance the story
• Increase tension
• Illuminate character
• Identify speakers without having to use dialogue tags
• Add meaning to speeches that wouldn’t otherwise be there
• Break up long strings of quotations to avoid a staccato effect and to create a pleasing rhythm
• Creating pictures in the reader’s mind of what’s going on (Construe “picture” to include time [pace], scents, sensations, and sounds as well as action and physical description.)

“Activity” beats miss the mark. While true dialogue beats can do those things, what I often see even talented writers do is to use unrelated activity to create a beat. Here are examples from strong writers that I’ve edited but who still whiffed on dialogue beats.

He shifts forward and rests his elbows on his thighs. “I’m sorry.”

That one came during an intense conversation, and we’re using our words to show where a character’s elbows are? Instead, give something that adds to the exchange. For example,

He hangs his head. “I’m sorry.”

Here’s an extended example of activity beats that slow the exchange and add nothing—I’ve changed some details:

He picked up his spoon and stirred the soup. He took a small sip, then gazed at her. “You dig out the truth?”

She swallowed a bite of her sandwich and wiped her mouth. “Not yet, need more time.”

“Right.” He sipped his clam chowder, then tore off a piece of garlic bread. “Why are you doing this?”

The activity can be cut down so it has less impact on pace.

He picked up his spoon and stirred the soup. He took a small sip, then gazed at her. “You dig out the truth?”

She swallowed a bite of her sandwich and wiped her mouth. “Not yet, need more time.”

“Right.” He sipped his clam chowder, then tore off a piece of garlic bread. “Why are you doing this?”

But that still doesn’t do the job. Even though this edit makes the narrative crisper, the trouble with “activity” beats is that you miss opportunities to use action, description, or internal monologue to add depth and nuance to the scene. For example, in this scene we’re in her POV, so why not use action and internal monologue beats such as . . .

He peered at his notebook. “You dig out the truth?”

She hadn’t, and that bothered her. “Not yet, need more time.”

“Okay.” His gaze probed at her. “Why are you doing this?”

Here’s an example from another good writer:

“You told her I was here?” I straightened my arms at my sides. “You actually told her?”

Straightening arms at sides really had nothing to do with the exchange. Instead, I suggested using internal monologue instead:

“You told her I was here?” The man was four kinds of idiot. “You actually told her?”

Workshop examples:

In my workshop, I give examples of using all three kinds of beats in a narrative.

Advance plot with action:

“I have something that I think will change your mind.” Lance pulled a pistol from his pocket and aimed it at Murphy. “It’s made of lead and travels at a velocity of 680 feet per second.”

Characterize with description plus action:

Murphy gazed at the black hole of the gun muzzle and then grinned. “It might. If you live long enough.”

Increase tension with description plus action:

“You wish.” Lance started to laugh, but it died in his throat when Murphy slipped a derringer from his sleeve and targeted Lance’s face with its two barrels.

Identify speakers without dialogue tags with action:

Murphy sat back in his chair. “I think we should try to get along.”

Lance tightened his grip on his revolver. “I don’t see how, as long as you’re wanted for treason.”

Add meaning and subtext with action and internal monologue:

Sweat trickled down Murphy’s back. There was no way he could actually shoot his little brother. “Lance, let’s just put the guns down, okay?”

Break up long speeches with internal monologue:

“You want to put your gun down first? There’s something you should keep in mind, and it starts with our mother.” Lance didn’t think Murphy was as scared as he should be, but that was about to change. “It was Mom who sent me to kill you.”

So, next time you use dialogue beats in your narrative, use them to move the story forward, deepen and enhance a scene, and characterize.

For what it’s worth.

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Hey, submissions needed, none in the queue for next week. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Ray

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© 2016 Ray Rhamey

 

Flog a BookBubber 36: Toby Neal

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says  that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.

Should this author have hired an editor? Here are the first 17 manuscript lines from the first chapter of Blood Orchids (Lei Crime, Book 1).

Drowning isn’t pretty, even in paradise. The girl’s features were bloated by water and nibbled on by wildlife. She lay half embedded in silty mud, naked as a seal carcass. Long hair that might have been blonde wrapped around her like seaweed, one sparkly hair tie still in place on the side of her head.

Leilani Texeira grimaced at the sulphurous smell of the mud as she stepped into it, shiny regulation shoes disappearing, and squatted to inspect the body. After three years on the force in Hawaii she’d seen several drowned corpses, and had learned to stay detached as she looked for any signs of violence. Still, she was thankful for the small mercy of the girl’s closed eyes.

 Her partner Pono’s voice was a bass drone interspersed with static as he called in the discovery on the radio. Lei stayed on her haunches, her eyes slowly surveying the entire overgrown area of the small county park. Invasive christmasberry bushes and clumps of tall pili grass competed along the unkempt banks. Midmorning sun leached reluctantly from under cloud cover as she spotted what looked like a bobbing coconut a few yards out. Lei glanced around— no palm trees ringed the pond.

She pushed her pant legs up and splashed forward into murky water warm as blood, clots of yellowish algae dotting the surface.

“Hey!” Pono called. “What the hell are you doing?”

Did this writer need an editor? I’m going to do a little flogging on this one--my notes and a poll follow. You can turn the page here.

This book averaged 4.3 stars on Amazon. The writing and voice are strong, professional. As a good mystery should, the protagonist is immediately connected to a body. I would turn the page to find out what happens next, and I'm going to read this one. But I think it could have been stronger—we next discover that there’s another body and that the detective knows the person. That makes it more personal, and I’d try to get that on the first page. Notes:

Drowning isn’t pretty, even in paradise. The girl’s features were bloated by water and nibbled on by wildlife. She lay half embedded in silty mud, naked as a seal carcass. Long hair that might have been blonde wrapped around her like seaweed, one sparkly hair tie still in place on the side of her head.

Leilani Texeira grimaced at the sulphurous smell of the mud as she stepped into it, shiny regulation shoes disappearing, and squatted to inspect the body. After three years on the force in Hawaii she’d seen several drowned corpses, and had learned to stay detached as she looked for any signs of violence. Still, she was thankful for the small mercy of the girl’s closed eyes.

Her partner Pono’s voice was a bass drone interspersed with static as he called in the discovery on the radio. Lei stayed on her haunches, her eyes slowly surveying the entire overgrown area of the small county park. Invasive christmasberry bushes and clumps of tall pili grass competed along the unkempt banks. Midmorning sun leached reluctantly from under cloud cover as she spotted what looked like a bobbing coconut a few yards out. Lei glanced around— nNo palm trees ringed the pond. The highlighted sentence can wait until later. Hook us now with the crime. The description of the park’s vegetation isn’t really needed, either.

She pushed her pant legs up and splashed forward into murky water warm as blood, clots of yellowish algae dotting the surface.

“Hey!” Her partner, Pono, called from the shore. “What the hell are you doing?” added because of deletion earlier

With those cuts, here's the edited first page with three new lines added. Do you think it would be stronger?

Drowning isn’t pretty, even in paradise. The girl’s features were bloated by water and nibbled on by wildlife. She lay half embedded in silty mud, naked as a seal carcass. Long hair that might have been blonde wrapped around her like seaweed, one sparkly hair tie still in place on the side of her head.

Leilani Texeira grimaced at the sulphurous smell of the mud as she stepped into it, shiny regulation shoes disappearing, and squatted to inspect the body. After three years on the force in Hawaii she’d seen several drowned corpses, and had learned to stay detached as she looked for any signs of violence. Still, she was thankful for the small mercy of the girl’s closed eyes.

Lei stayed on her haunches, surveying the small county park. Midmorning sun leached reluctantly from under cloud cover as she spotted what looked like a bobbing coconut a few yards out. No palm trees ringed the pond.

She splashed forward into murky water warm as blood, clots of yellowish algae dotting the surface.

“Hey!” Her partner, Pono, called from the shore. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Got another one,” Lei said. She approached the body, floating face down. Female, small build, brown-skinned and nude—she poked the corpse with her baton. Still in rigor. These girls hadn’t been dead long. And there was something familiar about this body.

What do you think?

Flogometer for Jennifer—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions needed, none in the queue for next week. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.

---

Jennifer sends the first chapter of a middle-grade fantasy, Camp Enigma.. The rest of the submission follows the break.

“We're almost there, Jakey.” My mom cranks around to look at me in the backseat.

I shrink down, pretending to be too focused on my device to hear her. I hate it when she calls me that. I also hate camp. I'm twelve years old, and I've been going to camps every summer, all summer long since I was six.

My little brother is asleep beside me. Thankfully. The kid has only two modes. Off, which is sleeping, and on, which is running around, shouting, and climbing over everything. I much prefer off.

Mom gives me a smile, but I can tell she's about to cry. Camp Whatever-It's-Called is a long way from home. I don’t care. So long as it’s not Camp Waternottle.

“Richie, wake up.” Mom reaches back and shakes Richie's knee.

Dom turns down a narrow, lane. The tree branches meet overhead making it feel like we're driving down a glowing, green tunnel. It's kind of cool, actually. Movement out in the forest catches my attention. I turn to look, but there's nothing there. I swear there was, though.

This year, when the forms came in the mail, they were for the wrong camp. My parents called the camp-sign-up people, who said they were sorry, that the computer had been acting strangely. And it was too late to change. Well, thank you strange computer. This new camp can’t be worse than Camp Waternottle. I mean, what does Waternottle even mean? Six summers there, (snip)

This opening has good things going for it—good and believable voice of a youngster, an immediate scene, good writing. If this were for an adult, I’d say that the line about being twelve years old was a bit too “on the nose” for me, but with middle-graders I think straightforward and clear is a good way to go.

But even a middle-grade narrative needs strong story elements, and this page is missing the key one: an attention-getting story question. Oh, there’s an attempt at one with the noticing of movement in the forest, but that could be anything, most likely an animal. And then the narrative detours into backstory with information on a mix-up in camps that really doesn’t affect what’s happening in the now of the story. And spending first-page lines on the meaning of "Watermottle" surely doesn't move story forward. On the next page the “something” happens again, but with greater effect. I’m going to add a couple of elements to it—see if you think that if this was on the first page you would be more likely to turn the page:

Something shifts out in the forest. Something shadowy yet silvery at the same time. Something staring at me? When I try to focus on it, though, there's nothing there. A chill shoots up my spine and goosebumps break out all over my skin.

While I see a lot of promise in this story, as it is this one gets a no from me.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2016 by Jennifer

Flog a BookBubber 35: Geneva Lee

Since no one is submitting work to be flogged these days, I thought I’d do one on a bestselling author who is offering her work for free. More below.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says  that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.

Today we have the bestselling author of Pretty Little Liars offering her work for free. Should she have hired an editor? Here are the first 17 manuscript lines from the first chapter of Gilt: By Invitation Only (Gilt Series Book 1).

“Emma, you look like hell,” my best friend Josie announces to me as I slide into the passenger seat of her beater Civic. I toss my bag onto the floorboard, ignoring the helpful commentary. Instead I pull my wet hair into a messy bun on top of my head. When I don’t respond she sighs and reaches into the pile of random junk that she stores in the center console. She tosses a container of concealer at me before she backs out of my driveway.

“This isn’t your color,” I point out, eyeing the fair shade suspiciously.

“No.” She keeps her eyes on the road, but I spot the grin tugging up the corners of her mouth. “It’s yours. You’re usually the one who needs it.”

I raise an eyebrow, which is seriously risky, given that she’ll probably deem them in need of intervention. “Are you sure? Because it seems like you’ve got a little bitch showing.”

“Not my color,” she reminds me.

Despite being stuck in standard prep uniform, she looks amazing. Between her corkscrew curls and fuchsia lips, there's an effortless coolness to Josie's style. I guess that’s what you get when your mom is a former show girl pretty enough to get knocked up by a high-roller who didn’t stick around to place a second bet. Either way he scored big— if only he knew it. Josie has her mom’s long legs, ready smile, and way with the men. I say men because she doesn’t bother with the guys at school. She prefers to work out her daddy issues with any number of willing (snip)

Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow. You can turn the page here.

This book averaged 4.9 stars on Amazon. I’m liking the writing and the voice, and that might be enough to lure readers in. Keep in mind that we’re evaluating this as if it were not by a bestselling author but by a newbie. Would this opening be strong enough to catch an agent’s eye? There’s not much in the way of story questions here. If the narrative had been just a little shorter, there were questions being raised—you should check out the rest of the Look Inside on Amazon to see if you agree. If I had an almost choice, that would be it here. But, as it is, this wasn’t a grabber for me, though there might be greater appeal to women.

What do you think?

© 2016 Ray Rhamey

Flog a BookBubber 34: Vera Nazarian

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says  that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.

Should this author have hired an editor? Here are the first 17 manuscript lines from the first chapter of Qualify (The Atlantis Grail Book 1).

Today is a day like any other day. Only it’s not.

Today the Qualification tests begin— at all designated schools, and public sites in remote places where they don’t have schools, all across the country and around the world— and everyone in my family is trying to pretend things are as usual.

I am at the messy kitchen counter chewing the breakfast scrambled eggs while the smart wall TV is blaring in the living room. Mom has her back turned and she is leaning over the stove making another skillet, which apparently is burning. I watch Mom’s fragile stooped back, the collar of the flannel pajama top, and the yellow cotton scarf covering her head, bald from the most recent round of chemo. The air is thick with garlic and scalded toast and things unspoken. No one else is up yet.

“Need some help burning the house down, Mom?” I say, in-between tasteless bites. Normally I love cheesy garlic eggs, but not today. Today, nothing has a taste. Especially not my forced humor.

“Thanks,” she says, without turning around. “But no, I think I am managing just fine with the arson.”

“M-m-m-m,” I say. The skillet makes another grand hiss. Voices of various morning (snip)

Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow. You can turn the page here.

This book averaged high 4.6 stars on Amazon. I wanted to like this because of the voice and the humor between the characters—those things promised interesting characters. But two things stopped me—no story question (the Earth is about to be destroyed, and it would have been good to get a hint of that in here) and the clarity issues in the writing. The author has the mother making another skillet, which is just not credible. I know she means another skillet of eggs, but sentences should mean what they say, and it wouldn’t have been difficult to keep this clean. I also had a little stumble over “breakfast scrambled eggs”—is that a particular recipe of scrambled eggs? So, for those shortcomings, no page turn for me.

What do you think?

© 2016 Ray Rhamey

A day or two off

I missed posting yesterday due to preparing to travel to a first-ever gettogether for my family on the coast of Oregon. More than that, no one has submitted work to be flogged, so the cupboard was bare. I'll try to get something up on Friday, but don't be surprised if the time gets spent on the beach with grandchildren rather than here.

Best,

Ray

Flog a BookBubber 33: Leverett Butts

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says  that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.

Should this author have hired an editor? Here are the first 17 manuscript lines from the first chapter of Guns of the Waste Land: Departure: Volumes 1-2.

I never knowed my Pa. He run off about three months before I was born. He went off to fight the Indians with Ardiss Drake, him that was the bastard son of Old Luther (but wouldn’t nobody but a fool call Ardiss that to his face, not unless they was just fed up with life and lacked the sand to pull the trigger their own self).

“Some Pawnee chief’s probably carrying your Pa’s scalp on his belt right now,” Ma’d say, then spit into the fire if we was in the cabin or on the ground if we wasn’t. “Serve him right,” she’d continue. “Least it’s just his hair gets to trample all over hell’s half acre now instead of the rest of his body.” Then she’d look out towards the little graveyard we had behind the cabin. Gramps was out there, too, but I always knowed she was thinking of the other one. “I finally got that rat bastard to stay around more ’n one or two weeks at a time, and he’s just about as useful now as he was then.”

After the War Between the States, long before I was ever even thought about, Ma’n Pa moved out West. “Texas ain’t home,” he used to tell Ma, “but it’s got fewer Yankees than Georgia does now.” They settled in West Texas, and Pa became one of Drake’s Riders. So he spent most his time out to Bretton in Ardiss’ saloon with the other Riders playing poker, drinking whiskey, and keeping the decent folk safe from Redskins, bandits, and tax collectors.

Ma and him used to live right in Bretton with the other townsfolk. Two doors down from (snip)

Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow. You can turn the page here.

This book averaged high 4.7 stars on Amazon. Well, I do like the voice and the authentic feel of the old days on the frontier. But I didn’t get a hint of a story question in all this backstory and setup. I still don’t get why writers don’t include some kind of tension on the first page—if not the first several pages—of their stories. It’s not difficult to start with a scene in media res and then weave in world and character details. I wish this author had done that. No page turn for me.

What do you think?

© 2016 Ray Rhamey