Flogging the Quill

Evolving the first-page checklist

I recently did a private “Crafting a Compelling First Page” workshop for a critique group in Portland, OR. I have to say that it was a treat to have an unlimited amount of time for discussion—we started at 10 am and didn’t finish up until after 3 (broke for lunch). They were all strong writers, yet several of their first pages got plenty of “no” votes.

A part of the workshop was a discussion of the first-page checklist, the one you see here on FtQ. As part of my discussion of story questions, I cited writer Steven James in his book, Story Trumps Structure:

“You do not have a story until something goes wrong.”

I agree with that. In our discussion of the checklist, one of the group asked if that shouldn’t be included.

Hmmm.

In looking at the first pages that did get a yes vote for turning the page, either something went wrong for the protagonist or something had already gone wrong in their story—either way, the character was faced with conflict and a need/desire to do something about it. So I'm adding that to the checklist.

But “wrong” isn’t always the source of conflict and tension in an opening, particularly in crime and private-eye fiction. There, trouble or a mystery question can challenge the character.

As always, teaching workshops leads to me learning something more about writers and writing. One of the checklist items is the notion that something is happening in the scene. While I say to not include a character musing, it occurs to me that, nonetheless, thinking is a form of action. While a character may not be taking physical action, she can take mental or emotional action, it seems to me. Deciding to do something risky to deal with trouble can qualify as action, don’t you think?

So here’s an evolved version of the checklist:

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
  
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action that involves risk. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Caveat: a first page can succeed without including all of these possibilities. They are simply tools you can use. In particular, a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and a create page turn without doing all of the above. On the other hand, testing pages with the checklist no matter where they are in a story can help identify where a narrative lags and why it does.

Download a free PDF copy of the checklist here.

Please share your thoughts. Meanwhile, there’s still nothing in the Flogometer queue, so submissions are invited.

Submissions needed. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the checklist before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey

 

Flog a BookBubber 32: Jennifer Ashley

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says  that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.

Should this author have hired an editor? Here are the first 17 manuscript lines from the first chapter of The Hanover Square Affair (Captain Lacey Regency Mysteries Book 1).  

Sharp as a whip-crack, a shot echoed through the mists in Hanover Square.

The mob in the square boiled apart, flinging sticks and pieces of brick as they fled the line of cavalrymen who’d entered the far side of the square. I hugged a rain-soaked wall as people poured past me, bumping and shoving in their panic as though I weren’t six feet tall and plenty solid.

The square and the streets that led to it had been bottled with traffic all afternoon: carts, carriages, horses, wagons, and those on foot who’d been running errands or passing through, as well as street vendors crying their wares. The mob had stopped traffic in all directions, trapping inside the square those now desperate to get out. They scrambled to get away from the cavalry and their deadly guns, and bystanders scrambled to flee the mob.

I scraped my way along the wall, rough stone tearing my cheap gloves, going against the stream of bodies that tried to carry me along. Inside the square, in the eye of the storm, the cavalrymen waited, the blues and reds and canary yellows of their uniforms stark against the fog.

The man who stood in their gun sights had led the mob the better part of the afternoon: shouting, cursing, flinging stones and pieces of brick at the unfortunate house that was number 22, Hanover Square. Now he faced the cavalrymen, his back straight, his gray hair dark with rain.

Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow. You can turn the page here.

This book averaged 4.1 stars on Amazon. Strong writing, for sure. The promo on this was for “a USA Today best-selling author!” and I can see why if the story has the same quality of the writing. Good story question raised, I want to know what happens next. I downloaded it to my Kindle for a future read.

What do you think?

© 2016 Ray Rhamey

 

Beware tired old horses--red flags on first pages

Since we have no work to flog today, it’s a good time for a cautionary post about what is—and is not—contained in your first page. When a potential reader is browsing your first page in a bookstore or on a web page, the kinds of things we look at on FtQ are what affect their page-turning decision. As you’ve seen in many of the submissions here, a lack of some things—particularly a strong story question—is what triggers putting the book down.

But when you’re submitting work to an agent, there are more red flags that catch the eye and spark the ire of a pro who sees so much writing. One of your goals being to stand out from the flood, having an agent think “oh, that again” is to be avoided.

Jane Friedman, in a seminar on How to Get Published, pointed out many ways of beginning a story that are red flags for an agent. Her list included:

• No clearly defined protagonist (or no one we’re interested in or can immediately identify with)
• Immediate flashback
• Too much explanation/setup
• Phone or alarm waking somebody up
• Interior monologue/just thinkin’
• Ordinary day stuff—getting up in the morning, having coffee, driving to work—want something fresh
• Stereotypical “big event” such as a funeral, graduation, or the big game (common)

The point is not that you can’t open a story with any of those things, and you can if you make it dramatic enough, I suppose, it’s just that you might be triggering an almost reflexive rejection of the scene in an agent. Or, worse, being consigned to the bin of “that’s a tired old horse, I don’t think I want to ride it.” For literary agents, “fresh” is a key component of any first page that will capture their interest.

For what it's worth.

Ray

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© 2016 Ray Rhamey

 

Flogometer for Glenn—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions needed, none in the queue. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Glenn sends the prologue and first chapter of The Violin Maker. The rest of the submission follows the break.

Prologue:

White blinding snow pelted the glass, piling as fast as a tiny space was kept clear by the laboring wiper blades. Two tire ruts in the thickening snow, barely showed as streaks of gray in white. Beyond the highway pavement, the sheer cliff-fall edge vanished in a swirl of white-out and barely seen black night. He saw his target now, a slow moving station wagon riding low in the thick snow just entering a sharp curve ahead.

 "Hail Mary, full of Grace . . . pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen." Reciting his Rosary, he shifted the semi-tractor up into third, gaining speed as the heavy truck tire-chains dug into the snow covered pavement. Faster now into fourth, and then finally with increasing speed and momentum, the diesel engine roared into the highest gear he could manage in the short stretch of road left to him.

 Plunging fast down the steep, sharply twisting road like a massive toboggan, it was all he could do to keep the semi-tractor and its heavy trailer on the snow covered pavement. But that didn't matter as his mission would soon be complete, with these enemies of the Church destroyed. His confession had been heard, his sins absolved. Soon he would be in the arms of the Blessed Virgin of Fatima.

 Bright beams of light pierced the family car, as the roaring sound of accelerating metal-mass enveloped and suddenly crushed it. These were the last things the two adults and the small child heard ((snip)

Chapter 1:

I recall the very moment my life and what I knew of it, my entire world, changed forever. As fresh now, if it was yesterday. I was Joseph Kyle . . . before the universe shifted, before I saw that violin for the very first time. Afterwards . . . nothing, not me, nor my world, was ever the same again.

 Flashes of fire sparkled in the beautiful golden varnish, as the ancient violin slowly passed from hand to hand down the long table. Time for me crawled. . . it seemed to take so very long to reach me. Scattered rays of weak April sunlight reflected and flashed from the surface of the illuminated, gem-like wood. Though weak, the light hitting the varnish produced magnified sparks of fire-light, that caught my eyes and almost blinded me, as it was passed my way.

 There was something about this violin, so very strange, so different from the others that I could not quite define or understand. Somehow, it was calling to me, like the sirens of Greek mythology. But where were the rocks, was I about to be dashed apart? Was it just the bright shining glowing iridescence of the varnish, the sensuous curves of its back and belly, or what? It felt like some powerful presence had just entered the room, when this violin had been brought in. Waiting for my chance to examine it further, my heart was beating faster, my breathing becoming shallow, and I was filled with a sharp prickly anticipation.

 My twenty-four fellow students and I, from The American Violin Making School, were on a field trip to see the finest collection of Italian String Musical Instruments in the world. We had driven (snip)

The prologue and its intense action scene raised a strong-enough story question for me to turn the page even though the narrative needs editing—note the repetition of “snow covered pavement” and the fact that the truck’s chains would dig into the snow, not the pavement.

The chapter opening, though, was almost all interior and setup. The long, long description of the wonderfulness of the violin slowed the pace to a halt. If you introduced the violin and setting briefly and then got to the last paragraph of this chapter, then I think you’d have an opening page. As it is, this one gets a no from me.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2016 by Glenn

Flog a BookBubber 31: Ian Kharitonov

Submissions needed for the Flogometer--nothing in the queue. Get fresh eyes on your WIP, send your opening narrative.

Now on to this week's BookBub flog.

---

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says  that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.

Should this author have hired an editor? Here are the first 17 manuscript lines from the prologue of The Russian Renaissance (The Sokolov Saga Book 1).

Death was the only destination in the train’s five-year-long schedule.

Even its name sounded like a shrill omen. The Felix Dzerzhinsky, a 137-ton locomotive, was a child of its era—an unstoppable mass of raw power fleshed in metal.

During 1936, its first year of operation, the Felix Dzerzhinsky coursed between Russia’s faceless stations and towns, hauling cattle. The animals had filled the tidy new freight cars with the lingering smell of their sweat and waste, parasites infesting the cracks between the hoof-dented boards, the feeling of imminent slaughter staying with the train forever.

Soon enough, the cattle was replaced by people. Men and women, old and young, most sick, some bleeding, all filled the freight cars heading to the gulags, towards a fate far more dreadful than that of the animals. The luckiest died on the way.

Now, as the war broke out, the Felix Dzerzhinsky carried a special cargo to the safety of Central Asia: hundreds of wooden crates stacked from the secret vaults of Leningrad and Moscow. Special passengers in the form of a six-man Red Army escort occupied the newly-fitted first class carriage.

The single beam of light sheared the night as the Felix Dzerzhinsky roared across the vast Kazakh steppe. The train pushed its boilers to the limits, charging to the invisible finish line. Yet its run was cursed by the presence of the treasured cargo.

Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow. You can turn the page here.

The writing is very good here, strong description and exposition. But is it story or setup? No persons involved, just a history lesson. We might wonder what the “treasured cargo” was, but that’s not compelling. However, if Kharitonov had reduced the description to get these two paragraphs from the next page on the first, I would have turned the page:

Inside the confines of the single passenger car, the gunshots boomed above the monotonous throbbing. The Red Army soldiers were too slow to react. They had not expected an attack from within. Not from their commander, Comrade Yehlakov of the NKGB.

At close range, Yehlakov blasted the heads of four soldiers keeping watch, each barely eighteen. While the other two fumbled for their bolt-action rifles, shocked awake from sleep, confused, Yehlakov finished them off.

What do you think?

© 2016 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Tarek—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions needed, nothing in the queue for next week. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

George sends the prologue and first chapter of Settled. The rest of the submission follows the break.

Prologue:

The streets filled with men carrying pitchforks. They hunted with the intensity of hounds who caught the scent of a hare: pounding doors, shattering glass, prying children from their mothers’ clasps. They slit the throats of the men. Homes were demolished. Elders slaughtered. Day by day turbulent winds shrieked through the Eastern Continent as if the world itself despaired at the face of another purge.

When the worst of the days passed, decaying corpses were gathered outside the cities. Government officials administered the large fires prepared to feast on the flesh of the Settlers. Fumes clogged the sky, thick with the smell of seared carcasses.

Many of the hunted had escaped, crammed into boats heading towards the Western Continent. Those who could not travel remained, burrowed and hidden. They, like all other Settlers, awaited the fulfillment of the Triumvirate’s promise to save their race once and for all.

Lyssa knew the weight of that promise, but suspected it would never reach the darkness of her world. In many ways she had been fortunate–kidnapped young as a toy for one of the Zoan militants was a life better than what awaited for most of her kind.

The beatings did hurt. And his temper was quite frightening. But, she had scraps of food to survive on, and a roof to protect her from the cold winters. She was ready to live like that (snip)

Chapter 1:

Father’s shadow loomed over me, dancing to the crackles of the fireplace. I sat on the couch, and stared at the wolf pelt rug. Avoiding his eyes longer would only make him angrier. I steadied my breath and lifted my head.

"Are you ready to tell me what happened?" He tugged his suit cuffs while smoking from his briar pipe. Mother stood next to him, accessorizing with a frown. Father's jaw clenched. “Vincent, I asked you a question.”

“It was nothing,” I replied in a low voice. If only the day could be forgotten.

“Tell me." 

My heart drummed against my ribs. “It was nothing, really–some older kids just made fun of me.”

“Was that before or after they ripped your shirt?”

“ … before.”

“What did they say?" He furled his eyebrows when I did not respond. "Answer me when I speak to you.”

“Th-they called me a filthy pig."

Father froze. Had I said something wrong? I dared not say more. Mother scoffed, but kept her eyes on Father. He inhaled smoke then let it seep out of his nose.

I like this strong writing and voice, they promise a professional approach to telling this story. The prologue starts with setup but quickly turns to a sympathetic character, and the exposition portrays a violent and interesting new world. I turned the page to find out what happened to Lyssa.

The chapter opening is equally strong in the writing and description, but I didn’t find much of a story question. A boy is being questioned by a stern father, and I have empathy for that, having had similar experiences. But that’s about it. I think that if a line from the following page—“If you are lying to me, there will be consequences.”—had been on the first page, and the consequences had been named, I would have been sufficiently intrigued. But, as it is, no. For me, the first chapter, while well written, still amounts to setup, and the real story of what goes wrong in this boy’s life hasn’t begun yet. I’d rather the first chapter go to that point, and do that on the first page. Look later for a stronger first chapter.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2016 by Tarek

Flogometer for George—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions encouraged. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

George sends the first chapter of Lone Wolves. The rest of the submission follows the break.

Mitch Cameron pulled open the half glass paneled wood door of the dive bar and was met by a exodus of air containing the sour smell of stale beer, urine and unwashed bodies.

The air was no doubt glad to escape. He quickly glanced up at the pulsating neon sign - yes, this was the right place. The “CC Bar”, doubling as the Calypso Cafe, was one of less than a dozen dive bars remaining in Denver after successive waves of redevelopment and upscaling had swept through the city over the past several years.

How the redevelopers has missed this little “gem” on the edge of downtown was hard to understand - but maybe the next wave.

One could always hope.

The bar counter ran the length of the left side of the long narrow room, the obligatory 55 inch TV screen at mid length was showing a repeat of yesterday’s Broncos game, and high backed stools littered the front and length of the bar. The concession to the “cafe” part of it’s name was a series of booths up against the right hand wall.

He spotted his team leader crammed into the furthest booth. Not that the booth was smaller than usual -Peytah Johnson was larger than usual and overflowed any seat he occupied.

He slid into the opposite bench seat as Johnston, without looking up, raised a meaty paw (snip)

There is an immediate scene here, and something is happening—but what? A guy enters a bar and sees his team leader. That’s it. No story questions raised, at least none beyond why are they meeting. We don’t know what the story is about, nor is there a sign of difficulty ahead for Mitch. For me, this page and the rest of the chapter is pretty much all setup. Mitch is told to leave town, but that’s not the real problem, I’m thinking.

I’ll wager the real story starts in the next chapter, when Mitch gets to where he’s going and something happens to block whatever it is he needs. Look for the story start later on, and get to it without spending words on redevelopment in Denver. Notes:

Mitch Cameron pulled open the half glass paneled wood door of the dive bar and was met by an exodus of air containing the sour smell of stale beer, urine and unwashed bodies. Detail about the door a bit of overwriting, description that doesn’t move story or advance character. What the door looks like matters not.

The air was no doubt glad to escape. He quickly glanced up at the pulsating neon sign - yes, this was the right place. The “CC Bar”, doubling as the Calypso Cafe, was one of less than a dozen dive bars remaining in Denver after successive waves of redevelopment and upscaling had swept through the city over the past several years. Does the history of this bar matter to the story? Nope. Why is it on the opening page?

How the redevelopers has missed this little “gem” on the edge of downtown was hard to understand - but maybe the next wave. Same comment.

One could always hope. Same comment.

The bar counter ran the length of the left side of the long narrow room, the obligatory 55-inch TV screen at mid length was showing a repeat of yesterday’s Broncos game, and high-backed stools littered the front and length of the bar. The concession to the “cafe” part of it’s its name was a series of booths up against the right hand wall.

He spotted his team leader crammed into the furthest booth. Not that the booth was smaller than usual -Peytah Johnson was larger than usual and overflowed any seat he occupied.

He Mitch slid into the opposite bench seat as Johnston, without looking up, raised a meaty paw (snip) The antecedent for “He” is Peytah, not Mitch. Use name for clarity.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2016 by George

Read “A Shadowed Spirit”

And the first book in the Tree and Tower series, The Thirteenth Tower. I’m very happy to introduce you to two fantasy novels by a very talented client of mine, Sara C. Snider, who lives in Sweden. Lucky I am to have edited and done the design for these two books.

Sara weaves an engaging and fascinating tale of a young woman in a world with magic like no other I’ve read. Here’s the blurb from the back cover of A Shadowed Spirit:

She used to be called Emelyn. She used to be nobody. Now she is Siyan—a creature of magic known as an And’estar. But Siyan doesn’t understand what that means, just as she can’t control the power that has woken within her.

Addigan worked her entire life to master the Art of magic and become a respected Magister, only to fail her final test. Scarred and desperate to prove her worth, Addigan pursues rumors of trees of power and a mysterious people called And’estar.

When Siyan heads into the dense and dangerous forest searching for answers, she doesn’t realize Addigan is coming for her. In this twisting chase of hunter against hunted, Addigan must choose how far she is willing to go to prove herself. And Siyan must let go of everything she knows—and everything she loves—if she is to gain control over her power. Even if it kills her.

In a journey that follows the intertwined lives of two women, A Shadowed Spirit is a mystical tale that redefines the boundaries between life and death, dreams and reality, and what one is willing to sacrifice to achieve the happiness she seeks.

And here is the blurb for the first book, The Thirteenth Tower:

Abandoned as a baby, young Emelyn’s life as a housemaid in the quiet village of Fallow is unremarkable—and empty. That is, until a host of magical creatures arrives and inflicts terrible misdeeds on the townsfolk. Inexplicably immune to their enchantments, Emelyn joins a pair of Magi intent on stopping the cause of the trouble—and who claim to know of her parents, promising Emelyn answers to a lifetime of questions.

But the answers Emelyn seeks prove to be more elusive than she hoped, and the world outside Fallow more perilous than she imagined. Magical creatures roam the land over, attacking yet another town before coming after Emelyn. The key to her survival—and finding her family—lies deep within her, if only she can conquer her doubts and believe she is more powerful than she ever dreamed.

In a journey that explores facing one’s fears amidst the uncertainties of an unknown world, The Thirteenth Tower is a magical tale of discovery, growth, and of love’s enduring strength.

I encourage you to read both novels, you won’t regret it. The Thirteenth Tower is here on Amazon, and A Shadowed Spirit is here.

Ray

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© 2016 Ray Rhamey

 

Flogometer for Jessica—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions encouraged. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

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Jessica sends the prologue and first chapter of Cycling. The rest of the submission follows the break.

Prologue:

Ben and I stared in wonder at the small white blob in the sea of black on the ultrasound screen. Our baby.

“Can you believe this?” Ben asked softly, his voice filled with wonder.

I couldn't believe it. All this time and effort: three years of trying, two years of fertility treatments, countless tests, shots, scans, surgeries….We could finally see what we were working toward. That little white bean flickering away with a strong heartbeat. Tears stung my eyes, and words failed. I could think only “baby” and “ours,” still amazed to finally get there.

I looked up at Ben, smiling through my tears, and said the words I’d been too afraid to say until now.

“I’m pregnant.”

Chapter 1

I walked up to the door of the fertility clinic, still not entirely sure what I was doing there. It had been my clinic, or, well, I’d been a patient there, for two years. Then I’d gotten pregnant – miracle of miracles. And three months later he was gone. My son was gone. And now I was thinking about trying again.

Only…what if it didn’t work? What if it did? What if Ben didn’t want to start this nightmarish process again? What if I didn’t want to be poked and prodded for months on end?

This is why I paused, my hand on the door, ready to go inside, but not sure of what I would do once I was inside. My hand slid from the handle and I stepped back, reconsidering. Then forward again, then back, the dance of a person who wasn’t sure she wanted to be where she stood. I took a deep breath and pulled the door open, walking inside to at least take this step, at least go in to consider my options, to find out what those options were. Then I could tell Ben. I could go to him with my mind clearer and our options in hand, so that at least I wouldn’t be as confused with him as I was with myself. I had made this appointment on impulse after seeing the little square on my calendar where “due date” had been written and then hastily erased a few months later. I didn’t want to face that day without knowing where we were going next.

I gave my name at the reception desk, and then sat down in the waiting room. Usually I liked that there was no reading material in the waiting room, rather than having to wade through (snip)

I wonder if there will be a gender difference in response to these openings. The writing is strong, as is the voice, but as someone of the male persuasion, I saw virtually nothing happening of compelling interest. In the prologue, a couple learns they’re pregnant and are happy. That’s it. I’ve been there—my wife and I had a lot of trouble getting the first bun in the oven, and we saw that first ultrasound. A great moment, but not a compelling event. Or perhaps it is for a female reader.

In the first chapter, a woman muses about inner conflict and enters a fertility clinic. While I have great sympathy for her problem, there’s not much at stake here. Yes, she has a desire—to become pregnant again. But what are the consequences if she doesn’t (which won’t be happening anytime soon)? There’s no sign of anything but the natural reaction to yet another tragedy. I’m thinking the real story starts later. With the strong writing displayed here, I’d like to see that actual opening. For me, this was pretty much setup and no story question. Yet, will a woman find strong appeal in either the prologue or the first chapter that I didn't?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2016 by Jessica

Moving day today

Today is moving day for me, moving into a new home. I'll be off the Internet for a couple of days, but should be back to flog on Friday.

By the way, there's only one submission, so none in the queue for next week. If you have something you'd like critiqued, please send as an attachment.

Best,

Ray