Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.
Should this author have hired an editor? Here’s the first chapter from a thriller, The Gauguin Connection, a free thriller novel and first book in a 9-book series by Ms. Ryan.
“Pleased to meet you, Ms. Lenard.” The stranger held out his hand expectantly. His rumpled overcoat and the dark circles under his eyes gave the impression that he hadn’t slept in days. Even his voice sounded exhausted, despite the crisp British accent. The tightened muscles of his unshaven jaw, his stiff neck and pursed lips sent a very obvious message.
“It’s Doctor Lenard.” I kept my hand to myself. “And you’re not.”
“Not what?” The dishevelled stranger pulled his hand back. His lips moved from a simple disagreeable pucker to a full-on sneer.
“Not pleased to meet me.” I had lost count of how many times I had witnessed the corners of someone’s lips drawn toward the ears to produce a sneering dimple in the cheeks. The vast majority of those expressions had been aimed at me.
“Genevieve, play nice.” Phillip Rousseau’s voice carried enough warning to pull my focus from the angry man. Despite his French background, Phillip pronounced my name in a manner more familiar to English speakers. I had insisted on that. It might be thought as callow, but it was my small rebellion against a pretentious sophistication forced on me from birth.
Phillip had been my boss for six years and none of his non-verbal cues or voice inflections was unknown to me. At present he was annoyed by my lack of sociability. He moved from behind the conference table. For a moment I thought he was going to position himself (snip)
This novel received an average Amazon rating of 4.4 stars. For me, this is one of those beginnings that doesn’t raise a serious story question but nonetheless drew me in—although, to be fair, there’s a goodly amount of scene tension in the narrative. I love the unique voice of this character, and her apparently unique and prickly personality. There’s a little more setup to come, but it’s rendered with more scene tension, and we’re quickly to the murder in the story. I’ll be giving this one a try.
Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
It begins engaging the reader with the character
Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
The character desires something.
The character does something.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
What happens raises a story question.
Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.
Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.
Matthias sends the first chapter for Goodbye Mr. Cooper. He says it’s a short story—I didn’t know that short stories had chapters. The rest of the chapter follows the break.
It was a sweltering mid-summer afternoon and Mr. Thorning's corpse sweated blood. One frozen hand pointed at himself in the reflection of his conglomerate skyscraper while the other was pinned to his forehead by a .50 bullet. His suit lay discarded at his desk, his striped blouse was half-way unbuttoned. At the bottom of NetLink tower, the commuters kept on commuting, and the taxis kept on honking until Mr. Thorning's secretary walked into his office at 4pm exactly.
At 5pm precisely, the sub between New Denton City Center and Denton Science Park was among the busiest in the metropolis. Ethan impatiently swiped the countless notifications from his smartphone. Suddenly all the world cared about some piece-of-shit rich guy. He sighed at the prospect of having to hear the news anchors drone on about it for three days in a row at least.
"Next station, Canvall Main," the monotonous computer-voice announced.
Ethan slung his schoolbag over one shoulder, squeezed past a fat man in a raincoat and jumped through the subs' doors onto the platform. The small station was abandoned as usual, and the broken TL light near the stairs, after a decade of disservice, still hadn't been replaced.
Canvall Main was neighborhood local authorities had long since given up on. It was the kind of suburb that managed to look dreary throughout the year. Wannabe gangsters occupied its (snip)
The opening line is a grabber, for sure. But, for this reader, confusion soon set in. We first learn that the afternoon is sweltering, but then see that the corpse’s hand is frozen. I’m sure you meant that in the sense of stiffened by rigor mortis, but in this case it didn’t work for me--my mind immediately went to frozen as in like ice. Next, there’s a reflection of his skyscraper, but he’s in his office—only if he were outside the building could he see its reflection. Third, one hand was pinned to his forehead by a bullet, which seems impossible to me. If he was shot in the forehead when his hand covered it, then I think the force of a very large caliber bullet would throw his head back and his hand would fall away. So, right from the start, clarity became a big issue.
Then the issue turned to a lack of tension when we go to another point of view and a guy is riding a sub (I assume you mean subway, not an ocean-going underwater vessel), and then he gets off, and then we go to description of the neighborhood. The opening paragraph, despite clarity issues, launched a fine story question, but then that peters out with description of activity that doesn’t seem to relate to the story begun by the first paragraph.
It turns out that there is a relationship to the Ethan character, but none to riding the sub. But will the reader get that far? I suggest cutting out all the travel stuff, get Ethan right to getting a message and finding a .50 caliber pistol in his backpack.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.
Should this author have hired an editor? Here’s the first chapter from a thriller, Dead Man’s Curve, a free thriller novel and fifth in the Cal Murphy series by Jack Patterson.
EMILY PALMER LOOKED STRAIGHT AHEAD and pushed her way through a cluster of classmates. She didn’t stop as she glanced down at a red party cup that crashed to the ground, spraying beer everywhere.
Callie swilled alcohol around in her cup. “Is everything okay?” she asked.
“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Emily answered as she rambled toward her car.
Once she reached her red Ford Tempo, Emily fumbled for her keys before the taunts from Josh Hood started.
“Leaving so soon?” he asked as he pinned the door shut with his hand.
“Get away from me,” she snapped, refusing to turn and look at him.
Josh didn’t move his hand. “Wanna go one on one this time?”
“Move now— I won’t ask again.”
He laughed while he stooped down and moved his face only inches from hers. “Make me.”
Emily turned at him and glared. Then she bit his arm. Josh yelped and began cursing at her— and he left himself vulnerable. Next, she delivered a solid kick right between his legs that sent him tumbling backward to the ground. Emily unlocked her car and scrambled inside. She locked the door and fired up the engine.
While there is tension and conflict, and a story question is raised—what will happen to the girl—I found the writing so lacking that I had no urge to turn the page. So much so, in fact, that I’m going to flog it. See what you think and then vote on the need for an editor. And remember, this is the fifth in a series. The quality of writing doesn’t improve on the following page, either.
EMILY PALMER LOOKED STRAIGHT AHEAD and pushed her way through a cluster of classmates. She didn’t stop as she glanced down at a red party cup that crashed to the ground, spraying beer everywhere.Not stopping as she glanced seems like an odd action. Why would she want to stop? Why would she glance at it as she pushes her way? I can see something like this as meaningful: She didn’t stop when she knocked a red party cup from a guy’s hand, spraying beer on her jeans.
Callie swilled alcohol around in her cup. “Is everything okay?” she asked.She “swilled alcohol?” First, to swill in a party context is to drink in a big gulp—the author means “swirled.” And “alcohol?” The girl has pure alcohol in her cup? Not likely; it’s beer. The description is less than professional, in my view. And “she asked” is totally unnecessary here.
“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Emily answered as she rambled toward her car. Bad verb choice—she’s pushing through people and going to her car, yet “rambled” means to “walk from place to place without conscious aim or goal.” She is clearly not rambling, she’s going for her car. And you could add urgency by using something such as "hurried."
Once she reached her red Ford Tempo, Emily fumbled for her keys before the taunts from Josh Hood started. Unless it matters to story, giving brand names such as “Ford Tempo” clutters up the narrative and draws attention to where attention is not needed. The color and brand of her car doesn’t matter in the story: just “car” would have been plenty. I also didn’t care for the key fumble happening “before” the guy taunts her. Why before? I think that “when” would be much stronger because a taunt could cause (motivate) the fumble and make it part of the scene instead of just an instance of clumsiness. A lost opportunity for storytelling.
“Leaving so soon?” he asked as he pinned the door shut with his hand.
“Get away from me,” she snapped, refusing to turn and look at him.
Josh didn’t move his hand. “Wanna go one on one this time?”
“Move now— I won’t ask again.”
He laughed while he stooped down and moved his face only inches from hers. “Make me.”“Moved his face” is lifeless description. How about: He laughed and shoved his face inches from hers.
Emily turned at him and glared. Then she bit his arm. Josh straightened and yelped and began cursing at her— and he left himself vulnerable. Next, she delivered a solid kickkicked him right between his legs. that and sent him tumblingAs he fell backward,to the ground.Emilysheunlocked her car and scrambled inside. She locked the door into her car and fired up the engine. As you can see, this paragraph desperately needed tightening and a good action flow. “Delivered a solid kick?” Really?