Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.
Should this author have hired an editor? Here’s the first chapter from a free thriller by Renée Pawlish, Back Story.
“I think someone’s trying to kill me.”
That’s not something you hear every day, even if you’re a private investigator, which I, Reed Ferguson, happen to be. I leaned in toward the man who’d spoken those words. “Why do you think that?”
It was a Thursday evening in August and I was at Mickey’s, a seedy bar on Broadway in Englewood, a suburb south of downtown Denver. Mickey’s was a hole-in-the-wall, with a few small, wood-topped tables along one wall, a long bar with stools opposite, and one lone TV hung in the corner behind the bar. Sparse on décor and atmosphere, it was the kind of place where people came to drink their troubles away, not to watch a ballgame or otherwise be entertained. It was not my type of place, and the only good thing I could say about it was they played ’80s music, which is my favorite.
I was sitting at one of the tables, and across from me was Brad Webb, a potential client. As he took a moment to gather his thoughts, I surveyed him. He was tall, but stocky, about my age – late thirties – with neatly trimmed whitish-blond hair, blue eyes, and thin lips. He wore navy pants, an Izod shirt, and black leather shoes, and as he talked, I could feel the nervous tap-tap of his foot shaking the table leg. Everything else about him, however, said he was organized and in control. Which made me wonder why he’d asked me to meet him at a place like Mickey’s.
Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow. You can turn the page here.
Number 10 in a suspense thriller series, this novel received an average Amazon rating of 4.7 stars. Reads like a standard detective story, and the opening raises a good story question. However, then we dive into detailed descriptions of the bar and the man—while all the stuff about the bar does help set mood and the setting, it’s also a bit of an info dump and robs the narrative of momentum. Same goes for the overly detailed description of the client. The meat of the hook comes on the next page, where we learn that the client’s father was killed while he was looking into the murder of his father. This author would have been better served with delivering story instead of description. If I’d allowed an “Almost” on this poll, that would have been my vote. But, since this is published, the choice is binary only.
Your thoughts?
© 2016 Ray Rhamey