Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.
Should this author have hired an editor? Here’s the first chapter from a free mystery by Ms. Beason, The Only Witness.
Brittany Morgan knew she was a good mother, no matter what other people said.
She parked her old blue Civic around the corner from the main entry, in the shade of the grocery store so the car would stay cool in the early evening sun, maneuvering it into the middle of three empty spaces. She couldn't get or give any more dings or she'd have to listen to her father's going on and on about the deductible again. When she pulled on the hand brake, it squawked like a Canada goose, interrupting her favorite song. She had to figure out a way to make her parents buy her a better car. She was, to quote her English teacher Mr. Tanz, 'biding her time.' At first she'd thought it was 'biting her time', which made a lot more sense, because you could see how people might want to bite off minutes and hours and spit out the boring parts to get to the good ones. But Tanz made her look it up. It meant, like, waiting.
She’d been biding, putting off asking for a new car for almost a year. All because of Ivy. She looked at the baby, sleeping in her carrier in the passenger seat, backwards like they said, so she wouldn’t get a broken neck if the air bag went off. But then, this junkmobile probably didn’t even have an air bag on the passenger side. She’d have to remember to ask her father, who you would think would show a little more concern for his granddaughter.
The last strains of Love Was faded away and Radio Rick started talking about the (snip)
Number 1 in a mystery series, this novel received an average Amazon rating of 4.6 stars. You’d think a story billed as a mystery would get busy raising story questions right from the start. Apparently this author depends on the blurb to hook you, because the first page didn’t do that for me. What happens? Musing. Parking a car and musing. All setup. There may be a good story here—the baby is kidnapped and the only witness is a gorilla that can do sign language. But will a reader ever get there? Your thoughts?
Submissions Invited. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
It begins engaging the reader with the character
Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
The character desires something.
The character does something.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
What happens raises a story question.
Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.
Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.
Shifu sends the first chapter for Cupid Proof. The rest of the submission follows the break.
“Mom, I can’t do this.”
I looked up at Mom and pouted.
“No, Eve. You’ve never been out of the house since graduation. You need to get out.”
“I do get out.”
“Morning jog doesn’t count. You’re nineteen, and you need a ‘friend’.”
My eyebrow twitched.
“Because this is so relevant to the original problem.”
Mom took a second to shoot me a glare before tossing the pancake into a plate.
“It may or may not be relevant.”
I felt my stomach churning.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
Mom cleared her throat while spreading a layer of strawberry jam on her bread.
"You see, Arthur Bryan has a son too. And he's your age."
No way.
"Nonononono..." I gripped the edge of the table, and then gripped my head, "Can't I travel straight to office from here?!"
"Nope, it's too far away. Besides, Granny is sick, so we've already made arrangements to (snip)
The writing is clean, but for me the narrative is far too spare, and there are story question issues. It’s not until halfway down the page that we can deduce where this conversation is taking place—sort of. It could be a kitchen, it could be a dining room, it could be in a restaurant . . . Thus showing the helpfulness of setting the scene just a little bit. Seeing these characters in context helps us visualize and understand what’s happening.
There’s a couple of unhelpful “information” questions that I’ll point out, but there is no story question. Nor do we get a sense of what this conversation—or the story—is about. For example, after reading more I think the conversation is about the character living with a family and babysitting a child. But we don’t get that here. There is no trouble or complication ahead for the character that I can see, even after reading the chapter. I think the story starts later, and all this setup can be either skipped or woven in once something starts happening. In this page, all that happens is that a teenage person has breakfast and doesn’t like what’s going on (whatever that is). Notes:
“Mom, I can’t do this.” Where are they?
I looked up at Mom and pouted.
“No, Eve. You’ve never been out of the house since graduation. You need to get out.” Essentially meaningless since we don’t know how long it has been since graduation. It could be years, months, days, we have no clue.
“I do get out.”
“Morning jog doesn’t count. You’re nineteen, and you need a ‘friend’.”
My eyebrow twitched.
“Because this is so relevant to the original problem.”Information question/problem: we have no clue what the original problem is. And I don’t think I learned it in the rest of the chapter. Since this doesn’t meaning anything, why have it here?
Mom took a second to shoot me a glare before tossing the pancake into a plate.
“It may or may not be relevant.”
I felt my stomach churning.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
Mom cleared her throat while spreading a layer of strawberry jam on her bread.
"You see, Arthur Bryan has a son too. And he's your age."
No way.
"Nonononono..." I gripped the edge of the table, and then gripped my head, "Can't I travel straight to office from here?!" Another information question: what does “to office” mean? I have no idea. So why is this here?
"Nope, it's too far away. Besides, Granny is sick, so we've already made arrangements to (snip) Defining in context in terms of distance or time would help “too far away” have some meaning to the reader.
Submissions Invited. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
It begins engaging the reader with the character
Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
The character desires something.
The character does something.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
What happens raises a story question.
Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.
Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.
E.G. sends the prologue and first chapter for The Tchaikovsky. The rest of the submission follows the break.
Prologue:
Mary Ferguson was upset. She did not like driving at night alone. Perhaps that’s why she did something uncharacteristic, and picked up the stranded stranger. She was on Hwy 195 headed for Tallahassee and her family home. She should have spent the evening at her sister’s in Campbell but they got into an all too familiar brouhaha over the raising of children in a modern society and Mary stormed out into the night. Mary is a middle school teacher and considers herself a progressive thinker while she regards her sister as a foaming-at-the-mouth conservative when it came to the education of the young. The argument centered on something to do with ‘Common Core’, though Mary could not recall any of the specifics.
Now Mary was in her late model car, miles from home, and it was pitch black ahead. She was grateful for the nearly full moon low now on the horizon shining through the trees. Driving at night always made Mary nervous but the moon’s silver light somehow added a sense of warmth to the blackness. She turned on the player on her dash and forwarded the CD to Cohen’s song, ‘The Future’. Cohn whispered the song with a voice filled with gravel. But the quiet rhythm made the drive easier – ‘love’s the only engine of survival’.
The lyrics are weird and shocking; wonder what they really mean, Mary thought with a smile. She beat the steering wheel in time to the chorus and tried to relax.
‘Thank God the weather is mild,’ she said out loud as she stared down the dark road (snip)
Chapter 1:
Susan Wei was a very sound sleeper. Her husband John constantly teased her about it. ‘If a huge quake struck Dover, Mass. you would roll over and sleep right through it’, he would say to her with a laugh. That’s why it was so unusual that something very faint and far away, barely audible, had awakened her.
Suddenly Susan blinked several times in the dark and opened her eyes wide. She lay still in her super King bed and tried to identify what had disturbed her sleep. She lay in the dark and listened to the sounds of her large dark house. There was nothing. Except for some moonlight slipping through her heavy curtains leaving streaks of pale light on the floor, the master suite was black and silent.
Perhaps it was just a dream or a sound from outside. Not likely, she thought. She could not recall any dreams that disturbed her and the house was very well insulated. Even the gardeners with their blowers only sounded like a distant hum in the late morning when they did their work. Although she was still groggy, she was certain the weird sound had originated inside the house. Susan sat up in the bed and strained to hear any noises. There was nothing.
The house was an elegant fourteen room mansion with several adjacent buildings on a large estate. It was a matter of pride for the Wei family, a visible sight of John’s success in America. The estate was well protected with motion sensors along the perimeter brick wall, and (snip)
The writing is sound, though it does need a little editorial help on punctuation. And there are little hints of overwriting ahead in phrases such as “her late model car.” But it’s good enough to generate page turns if viable story questions are raised.
But are they? The prologue tries to draw us in with a woman alone picking up a stranger at night—but it doesn’t show us that, it just tells us that and then the narrative wanders off into backstory and setup. Ultimately, what happens in the prologue’s first page is that a woman is driving and listens to music.
In the first chapter, the only hint of something unusual is that a woman is wakened by a faint noise even though she’s a sound sleeper. That’s it. What happens is that a woman wakes up. Then we learn all about the mansion she lives in. Much later, at the end of the chapter, is something that would get me to turn the page—the woman finds her pre-teen daughter, naked in the solarium, playing a violin and dancing. But will a reader ever get there? I’m thinking that’s the place to start this story.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.
Should this author have hired an editor? Here’s the first chapter from a free thriller by Renée Pawlish, Back Story.
“I think someone’s trying to kill me.”
That’s not something you hear every day, even if you’re a private investigator, which I, Reed Ferguson, happen to be. I leaned in toward the man who’d spoken those words. “Why do you think that?”
It was a Thursday evening in August and I was at Mickey’s, a seedy bar on Broadway in Englewood, a suburb south of downtown Denver. Mickey’s was a hole-in-the-wall, with a few small, wood-topped tables along one wall, a long bar with stools opposite, and one lone TV hung in the corner behind the bar. Sparse on décor and atmosphere, it was the kind of place where people came to drink their troubles away, not to watch a ballgame or otherwise be entertained. It was not my type of place, and the only good thing I could say about it was they played ’80s music, which is my favorite.
I was sitting at one of the tables, and across from me was Brad Webb, a potential client. As he took a moment to gather his thoughts, I surveyed him. He was tall, but stocky, about my age – late thirties – with neatly trimmed whitish-blond hair, blue eyes, and thin lips. He wore navy pants, an Izod shirt, and black leather shoes, and as he talked, I could feel the nervous tap-tap of his foot shaking the table leg. Everything else about him, however, said he was organized and in control. Which made me wonder why he’d asked me to meet him at a place like Mickey’s.
Number 10 in a suspense thriller series, this novel received an average Amazon rating of 4.7 stars. Reads like a standard detective story, and the opening raises a good story question. However, then we dive into detailed descriptions of the bar and the man—while all the stuff about the bar does help set mood and the setting, it’s also a bit of an info dump and robs the narrative of momentum. Same goes for the overly detailed description of the client. The meat of the hook comes on the next page, where we learn that the client’s father was killed while he was looking into the murder of hisfather. This author would have been better served with delivering story instead of description. If I’d allowed an “Almost” on this poll, that would have been my vote. But, since this is published, the choice is binary only.
Submissions Needed. Only one in the queue for next week. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
It begins engaging the reader with the character
Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
The character desires something.
The character does something.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
What happens raises a story question.
Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.
Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.
Kevan sends the first chapter for The Tick Tock Girl. The rest of the chapter follows the break.
An alternative opening and another poll follow this opening.
Springtime in Manhattan is a leap from darkness, the precautions of winter cautiously discarded. My time to grow, the year I'll blossom. A bang from my cab slammed my teeth together. And maybe the year New York will fix its potholes.
My phone uttered a sympathetic R2D2 beep and spat out the location of my first fare of the day. I turned towards Wall Street, glad traffic hadn't begun its inexorable climb to gridlock. The rising sun bounced off my rearview mirror, and I fumbled in my purse for my sunglasses before finding them perched on an explosion of kinky hair.
My strategy came from a computer simulation I'd written. Start early with no traffic but few fares, then surf the growing wave of commuters. The uncertainty appealed to me, a duel of probability and luck. I might score with a long ride to the airport, or end up in a dead zone fighting my way back.
Knowing a fare could track my location through the app created a bond, as though I was the icon in a game app, a tiny car careening through the streets in a battle of strategy and reflex. I imagined the gamer peering down from a glass sky, cheering me to the finish. Maybe a game I'd create and use to finance my tech startup dream. Right. Just like my cab would sprout wings and whisk me over midtown traffic.
My phone beeped and a text appeared. $141 if U hurry.
Once again, strong writing and a good voice get me off to a good start. But then my interest fizzles as we enter setupland combined with musing. We learn that the character is a cab driver, but that’s about it.
But, for me, there was gripping narrative later on. It’s below, trimmed and tightened a bit. Once again, the setup material could be woven in as things happen. Is this a stonger opening? A poll follows.
I reached the heart of Wall Street and scooted my cab into a spot created by knocked-over construction cones, thanking my luck in finding parking at the exact address. Fifteen minutes later, my mysterious fare hadn't shown. Then my phone rang.
I put it to my ear. Tick tock, tick tock.
No voice, no static, just a damn ticking. With some people it was a fork scraping across teeth or nails on a chalkboard. For me, it was the sound of ticking clocks, a childhood phobia I'd never faced down. I tried to end the call, but my body had frozen.
A crashing from above freed me from my spell. I dropped my phone and fought the urge to floor the pedal. A screaming intensified. White particles bounced off the windshield like hail. A whomp shook the car, and I threw myself across the seat and covered my face.
I felt rather than saw the roof of my car crumble to where my head had been. My window exploded with a wave of tinkling glass. The car rocked on its suspension before going motionless. For a moment, NYC was silent. I lay on my side, afraid to move.
The ringing of alarms broke the silence. Cries rang out, then a car door slammed. A voice through my shattered window startled me. "Are you okay?"
Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
It begins engaging the reader with the character
Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
The character desires something.
The character does something.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
What happens raises a story question.
Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.
Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.
Carolyn sends the first chapter for The Invisible Assassin. The rest of the chapter follows the break.
An alternative opening and another poll follow this opening.
I woke to rain the first morning in my new home, which some people might take as a bad omen. But to me the sodden gloom was a cozy blanket that would keep reality at bay a little longer. Everything I wanted and needed lay within these walls. Outside them, a Vermont mountain view would be revealed when the downpour ended. I had time now to wait, and was happy to savor the vista in my mind until the skies cleared.
Once dressed and caffeinated, I looked out to gauge the vista’s progress. The distant hills remained shrouded but I could see the near landscape of forests and fields. Only one homestead perched in sight, and only two roads marred the scenery. I now lived at their junction: a paved state route in front of the house, and a dirt dead-end forming one boundary of my twenty acres.
This was as far from civilization as I could get without losing Internet access—my conduit of income. It had let me work anywhere in the world for two decades; and for whatever decades remained to me, it would be my umbilical cord between world and womb. I had pared down my possessions to only those that mattered. Likewise my obligations, reduced now to my furry children, my employer, my readers, and myself.
Feeling free yet secure, I turned to unpacking the rest of my boxes. None of the three cats emerged from hiding to join me, but their empty food bowls showed they had explored while I slept. Good; that meant they were recovering from yesterday’s travel ordeal. Outside the rain (snip)
Very nice writing and a good voice are promising in this opening page. On the other hand, the lack of tension isn’t. What happens here? A person—we don’t know who, or if male or female—wakes up, has coffee, looks out the window, and notices that his/her three cats have eaten. Story questions? None. This is all setup, and, as far as we know, all is well in this person’s world.
Take a look at the checklist. While not everything on it is required, by any means, one item that is helpful to engaging a reader is something happening. For me, waking up and having coffee isn’t something happening—we know of no desire from the character, he/she does nothing to achieve anything. Nothing intrudes on this comfy existence on a rainy day.
Instead, here’s an alternative opening extracted from a later page. Understanding that all the setup material can be woven in as the story continues from this point, what do you think of this as a way to open the story? A poll follows.
I heard the mailman’s Jeep growl and whine as the vehicle plunged and slewed in the hub-deep mud of Rock Maple Road. But then, instead of continuing to the intersection and turning onto pavement, it cut the corner across my front lawn!
I clunked down my mug and scooted to the front windows. The Jeep had gouged the grass and stopped astride my walkway, and the driver was already banging on my storm door. I switched off the alarm system and unbolted the inner wood door to find him pale and bug-eyed. “Please—I’ve got to make an emergency phone call!” he yelled through the glass.
Startled into muteness, I let him in and pointed him toward the kitchen without questions, even though my mind sparked and sizzled with them.
He crossed the living room in three strides, grabbed the handset off the wall phone just inside the doorframe, and punched 9-1-1 with a shaking finger.
I pushed past him to finish pouring my coffee, unsure what else to do. I gave him space but not privacy, for whatever his problem was, it had abruptly become mine. Resentment surged, but I throttled it back to retrieve and nurse later. He was saying into the phone, “Yes, I want to report a death”—which trumped inconvenience by a mile.
Between the muted gobble on the other end of the line and the mailman’s responses, I caught the key words: gunshot, Jake Baldwin, end of Rock Maple Road. Then he closed with, (snip)
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.
Should this author have hired an editor? Here’s the first chapter from a thriller by Mr. Ballard, Total Victim Theory.
Renato watched the desert birds from beneath the brim of a faded straw hat. They moved in patient circles overhead, drifting for seconds at a time, and finally giving a flap or two to stay aloft. In all his seventy-five years, he'd never seen so many crowd into a single patch of sky. Lowering his eyes, he scanned the desolate landscape up ahead, trying to discern what dead or dying thing had attracted so much attention.
As he walked along, Renato carried a plastic mesh bag containing a dozen glass bottles and a few rocks sparkling with flecks of quartz. At his side trotted a seasoned blue heeler mix with a grizzled snout and a pair of mismatched blue and gray eyes. Ahead, the sand stretched to the horizon where it met a dawn sky of rosy vacant blue. Behind him, thirty miles in the distance, lay the city of Juárez.
The shadows of the birds flitted across the terrain, wriggling over each ridge and crest like legless specters. They seemed to be converging upon a point somewhere just beyond the next rise, some swooping down out of sight and some ascending in feathery commotion. Renato's eyes tracked a lone flyer that rose rapidly from beyond the crest, clutching something in its tight talons. As the creature passed overhead, the object fell from its grip, tumbling through the air and landing not far from where Renato stood. The dog approached first and gave it a thorough and wary sniff.
This novel received an average Amazon rating of 4 stars. Pretty good writing, though a little more than is needed, for my taste. There is a story question, but not terribly compelling. It would have been much more so if the author trimmed excess description of vultures and scenery and made room for the inclusion of just two more sentences that really added to the tension:
Seconds later, Renato came to the blue narrow item and squatted to pick it up. It was a woman's sandal.
The notion that the vultures were circling over a woman strengthens the story question enough to turn this from a no to a yes.
Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
It begins engaging the reader with the character
Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
The character desires something.
The character does something.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
What happens raises a story question.
Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.
Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.
Stephanie sends the first chapter for Soldiers, a science fantasy. The rest of the chapter follows the break.
Mara had never considered having a different life. Not even after the violent vision of her abrupt death.
Her home within the base walls was safe, at least for the moment. The humid, tropical air as embracing as she imagined a hug, down to the moist exhale upon her cheek. The greyed skies and warm rain accepted her demeanor, and comforted, crying, sometimes, so she didn’t have to.
She did wish for some changes, minor things similar to desires overheard in others’ thoughts. It was normal to want a few alterations.
Losing her ability to see the future wasn’t one of them. That saved lives. Protected soldiers and cadets, like Randall. Helped keep civilians safe. But, if she could, it’d be nice to avoid the glances and thoughts of the other Visionary apprentices. To quiet her mind of the in-suppressible deluge of jealousy and distrust whenever the topic of Mara Miller gained attention: the Silent One.
“Miss Miller,” her teacher said at the front of the class. “Please share your thoughts as we cannot hear you.”
Even her teachers liked to remind those within hearing range. The class joined in. Thought-comments on the Favored One. The Powerful One. No longer droning reflections of the class’s lesson streaming through her head.
Good writing and immersion into a scene here, though there were clarity issues for me a couple of times. As you’ll see after my notes, there was something from a later page that would have gone a long way to introducing this character in an intriguing way. And then, if at all possible, raise a story question about what might happen next. As it is, the only question is what her answer would be to sharing her thoughts, but there are no stakes or consequences suggested for what will happen if she does.
As it often happens with fantasy, there’s a urge to set up the “world” and its operating principles. That’s what most of this chapter is—setup. My suggestion would be to cut down on the elegant expressions of thoughts and ruminations and have something happen. At the end of the chapter, another student is introduced, along with a coming trail of Mara’s abilities. I suggest that that’s the place where this story starts. Weave in other elements as something happens to her in that trial that could lead to serious consequences. An almost from me, but all the setup discouraged me. Notes:
Mara had never considered having a different life. Not even after the violent vision of her abrupt death.
Her home within the base walls was safe, at least for the moment. The humid, tropical air as embracing as she imagined a hug, down to the moist exhale upon her cheek. The greyed skies and warm rain accepted her demeanor, and comforted, crying, sometimes, so she didn’t have to. Something missing here? “as embracing as she imagined a hug would be”?
She did wish for some changes, minor things similar to desires overheard in others’ thoughts. It was normal to want a few alterations.
Losing her ability to see the future wasn’t one of them. That saved lives. Protected soldiers and cadets, like Randall. Helped keep civilians safe. But, if she could, it’d be nice to avoid the glances and thoughts of the other Visionary apprentices. To quiet her mind of the in-suppressible deluge of jealousy and distrust whenever the topic of Mara Miller gained attention: the Silent One.This sentence fragment didn’t work for me. I think it’s too far from the “it’d be nice to avoid” setup. And who is the Silent One?
“Miss Miller,” her teacher said at the front of the class. “Please share your thoughts as we cannot hear you.”
Even her teachers liked to remind those within hearing range. The class joined in. Thought-comments on the Favored One. The Powerful One. No longer droning reflections of the class’s lesson streaming through her head. Remind them of what? Is it that they can’t read her thought? For me, this could be a lot more clear. I have no idea what the references to the favored and powerful one mean. Are they meant to describe her? I suspect so, but that’s not as clear as I’d like it to be.
Here is the intriguing bit I’d like to see on the first page, but only if it can immediately lead her into having a desire for something and trouble ahead as a result.
But, as it often did since she first saw her last day, that final moment of life before she vaporized into a red mist, her death shadowed her entirely.
Ms. Ronam strode forward and stopped before the desk, her gaze zeroed in upon Mara’s wrist. Mara looked, and found her fingers pacing the expanse of skin where she knew, someday, someone would put a bracelet there and it’d explode.
I came across a good article by Katie McCoach, an editor, that explains the kinds of editors an author needs. That’s right, plural editors. Like Ms. McCoach, I’m what is called a developmental or substantive editor. You should visit the entire article for more, but here is her definition of a developmental editor.
A developmental editor’s focus is “on content edits. This usually involves things like critiques or manuscript evaluations, substantive edits, developmental editing, and line editing. The goal of these edits are to work with the author to strengthen their story telling and writing abilities. This is the first stage of editing.
These edits look at the writing style, voice, pacing and flow, characters, readability, intended audience, genre, narrative, plots and subplots, etc. These edits are designed to help an author tighten their manuscript. Does the protagonist grow or change from beginning to end? Are the characters’ actions believable? Does the plot feel forced or organic? Are the characters’ goals and motivations fully developed? Is there internal and external conflict? Is this actually a romance novel or is it women’s fiction?
This is also where things such as backstory, show vs. tell, POV, dialogue and more are addressed.
She suggests sources for finding editors, which is helpful—but you already know one, don’t you?
One more point, though—she says she’ll hire an editor for her own book, and I just did the same—a copyeditor to make sure I got things right. Yep, editors need editors.
Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
It begins engaging the reader with the character
Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
The character desires something.
The character does something.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
What happens raises a story question.
Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.
Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.
JA sends the first chapter for The Keeper and the Stone, a fantasy novel. The rest of the chapter follows the break.
The deeper Alaric rode into the woods, the more something felt… off. This forest had always fit like a well-worn cloak. But tonight, the way forest wrapped around felt familiar, but not quite comfortable, as though it remembered wrapping around a slightly different shape.
“This path used to be easier to follow,” Alaric said to his horse, Beast, as they paused in a patch of summer moonlight. Alaric peered ahead, looking for the trail leading to the Stronghold. He found it, running like a scratch through the low brush to the right. “If the Keepers weren’t too meek to hold grudges, I’d think the old men were hiding it from me.”
All the usual smells of pine and moss and dirt wove through the air, the usual sounds of little animals going about their lives, but Alaric kept catching the hint of something different. Something more complicated than he wanted to deal with.
Around then next turn, the trail ran straight into a wider tree trunk. Alaric leaned as far to the side as he could, but he couldn’t see around it. “I could be wrong about the Keepers holding grudges.”
Well, if they didn’t want him at the Stronghold, that was too bad. He didn’t need a warm welcome. He just needed to find one book with one antidote. With a little luck, the book would be easy to find and he could leave again quickly. With a lot of luck, he’d get out without having to answer anyone’s questions about what he’d been doing for the past year.
I like the writing and voice, for sure. JA introduces us to a fantasy world smoothly, not throwing too much at us. But, despite that, I see a lack of a compelling story question. Oh, there are story questions, but there’s not much in terms of stakes, so far. If Alaric is unlucky, he’ll have to answer questions. Doesn’t sound like too dire a consequence. He seeks an antidote, but we don’t know what it’s for—could be just a poison ivy rash.
Later we seem to learn that it’s an antidote to save the life of someone named Evangeline—but even then we don’t know the relationship between Alaric and Evangeline.
For me, establishing his journey as a quest to save the life of Evangeline on the first page would go a long way toward getting a page-turn. If there could be a time urgency as well, that would help—what if he needs to return with the antidote before the full moon fades? In short, nicely done narrative needs, for me, stronger tension, clear needs or desires, and stronger consequences for failure. There's no sense of urgency, and I think there should be. The writing tells me that JA can do that. Even lacking that, having read on, it’s a story I’d be interested in reading. Just grab the reader with a stronger grip on this first page.