Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Anne—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

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Anne sends a revised opening for a story now titled Mountain Man. The original version is here. The rest of the chapter follows the break.

Monday morning, Elizabeth Logan looked in the powder room mirror to check her hair and makeup. She applied more lip gloss. She could never have too much lip gloss. Her eyes looked fine. So did her hair.

She walked through the narrow hallway to her office in the Washington D.C. 1860’s row house, which was the Logan Foundation’s place of business. Her charitable foundation, founded and lovingly nurtured solely by her. She perched on the padded window seat under the bay window and anxiously watched the street traffic. She felt sick to her stomach.

There was nothing she could do now but wait. In a few minutes someone from the FBI would be ringing the bell. Yes, government person, she was guilty. Her reason for embezzling her charity’s donations? She needed the money. It appeared that her husband, Declan, was searching for wife number three. Eventually, he was going to leave her. High and dry. And when that happened, Elizabeth Logan would become an actual charity case.

It started four years ago when her salon colorist persuaded her to add highlights and low lights to her blonde hair. It had been a definite improvement. However, her husband’s tastes ran toward attractive, scantily dressed women with ‘trashy blonde’ hair. She’d looked like that once. After she’d changed her hair, she tried to convince him that wealthy women in their mid-thirties shouldn’t look like twenty-five year old sluts. Declan’s answer had been, “Then I guess it’s (snip)

This opening is interesting in that it introduces a sympathetic character who is an admitted criminal, and there’s jeopardy ahead in the arrival of an FBI agent. I think there’s enough of a story question to turn the page, but I hesitated when the story slipped into backstory mode. I think the flashback isn’t needed at this point—it’s important that her husband is going to leave her, but the history of when she began to believe that isn’t really needed. A lot of this chapter is devoted to setup—look for ways to shorten those parts and to increase the tension and jeopardy for her. Notes:

 Monday morning, Elizabeth Logan looked in the powder room mirror to check her hair and makeup. She applied more lip gloss. She could never have too much lip gloss. Her eyes looked fine. So did her hair.

She walked through the narrow hallway to her office in the Washington D.C. 1860’s row house, which was the Logan Foundation’s place of business. Her charitable foundation, founded and lovingly nurtured solely by her. She perched on the padded window seat under the bay window and anxiously watched the street traffic. She felt sick to her stomach.

There was nothing she could do now but wait. In a few minutes someone from the FBI would be ringing the bell. Yes, government person, she was guilty. Her reason for embezzling her charity’s donations? She needed the money. It appeared that her Her husband, Declan, was searching for wife number three. Eventually, he was going to leave her. High and dry. And when that happened, Elizabeth Logan would become an actual charity case. I’d avoid clichés such as “high and dry.”

It had started four years ago when her salon colorist persuaded her to add highlights and low lights to her blonde hair. It had been a definite improvement. However, her husband’s tastes ran toward attractive, scantily dressed women with ‘trashy blonde’ hair. She’d looked like that once. After she’d changed her hair, she tried to convince him that wealthy women in their mid-thirties shouldn’t look like twenty-five year old sluts. Declan’s answer had been, “Then I guess it’s (snip) The beginning of this paragraph signals a flashback, not a good idea on the first page where I believe we need to be in the “now” of the story. The flashback is brief and it does characterize her husband as a creep, but it wasn’t really needed.

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2016 by Kathleen

Flogometer for Isaac—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Isaac sends a short story, The Boy Who Dared to Speak . The rest follows the break.

The boy ran for his life. He ran as if all the demons, monsters and inmates from all the circles of Hell were after him. Close on his heels were at least a dozen well-armed city guards. The guards brandished swords, spears, maces, axes, and other tools of ill will. Ahead of them ran at least two dozen commoners, laborers, craft’s men, farmers, all of them thirsted for the boy’s blood, with looks on their faces like wolves hot on the trail of a fat stag. The commoners were coming closer to catching up with the boy because they were not encumbered by heavy armor, yet they still could not gain on him enough to make the kill. As the boy ran, he franticly tried speaking words and phrases in an archaic language which would give him the advantage he needed to escape, but he kept losing his focus to obstacles he had to jump over or side step, as well as the random objects constantly flung at him by his assailants. As he continued his mad dash for the city gates, the boy bemoaned his situation. Eight years of age! The boy was only eight years of age and he was a fugitive from the law, wanted dead not alive. He had done nothing wrong; he was no thief, no bandit, and he had never broken a single law or statute until today. At the mob behind him, without looking back, he barked furiously “I was just trying to help!” If they heard him, they did not respond with words but with more violence. The boy was alone in his struggle.

The closest thing to help he received from the other town’s people was either their (snip)

I think this is a good effort by a new writer. There’s plenty of conflict, story questions are raised, and there’s imagination at play. But the craft needs work, in particular learning the art of paragraphing. Long blocks of text like this are not only hard to read, they slow the pace. In my notes I’ll separate this into paragraphs. The rest of the story needs the same treatment. Notes:

The boy ran for his life. He ran as if all the demons, monsters and inmates from all the circles of Hell were after him. Close on his heels were at least a dozen well-armed city guards. The guards brandished swords, spears, maces, axes, and other tools of ill will. This is all about “the boy.” I think giving characters names makes them people rather than objects to observe.

Ahead of them ran at least two dozen commoners, laborers, craft’s men craftsmen, farmers, all of them thirsted thirsting for the boy’s blood with looks on their faces like wolves hot on the trail of a fat stag. The commoners were coming closer to catching up with the boy because they were not encumbered by heavy armor, yet they still could not gain on him enough to make the kill.

As the boy ran, he franticly tried speaking words and phrases in an archaic language, magical words which that would give him the advantage he needed to escape, but he kept losing his focus to obstacles he had to jump over or side step sidestep, as well as the random objects constantly flung at him by his assailants.

As he continued his mad dash for the city gates, the boy bemoaned his situation. Eight years of age! The boy was only eight years of age and he was a fugitive from the law, wanted dead not alive. He had done nothing wrong; he was no thief, no bandit, and he had never broken a single law or statute until today. He yelled at the mob behind him, without looking back, he barked furiously “I was just trying to help!” If they heard him, they They did not respond with words but with more violence. The boy was alone in his struggle. I don’t think someone running for their life would pause in their thinking to bemoan their situation.

The closest thing to help he received from the other town’s people townspeople was either their (snip)

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2016 by Isaac

Flog a BookBubber 24: Jinx Schwartz

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says  that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.

Should this author have hired an editor? Here’s the first chapter from Just Needs Killin’, a free mystery novel by Jinx Schwartz. It is the sixth in a series.

My VHF radio crackled to life and a familiar, if tremulous, voice carried throughout the cabin. "Raymond Johnson, Raymond Johnson, this is Jan. I'm at the marina office. Can you please, please, come get me?"

That quaver spoke volumes— volumes of ca-ca.

Not that I wasn't happy to hear from my best friend, but Jan turning up unannounced at Puerto Escondido, coupled with the telling timbre of the call, was a dead-on harbinger of an impending pity party. Or worse.

Her pitiful plea was, unfortunately, broadcast throughout the cruising community for miles around. I envisioned boaters lunging for their radios, poised to switch to whichever channel I chose in order to answer Jan's call. Dashing their hopes of "reading the mail" and listening in on what promised to be a titillating conversation, I answered with a simple, "I'll be right there," followed by a smug, "Ha!" after I let go of the transmit key and gleefully imagined a collective sigh of disappointment wafting my way on a light breeze. We boaters are so easily titillated.

Wondering, however, whether the last laugh might be on me, I let loose a sigh of my own, and said, "Po Thang, let us go fetch your po Auntie Jan and see what manner of well-known substance has hit the friggin' propeller."

This book received an average Amazon rating of 4.4 stars. I liked the voice and the writing—since this is the sixth book in the series, her regular readers must like them as well, along with the stories. But, for me, no compelling story questions arose in what is primarily all setup. This is, by the way, all of the first chapter. For a reader unfamiliar with the series, the use of “Raymond Johnson” leads one to think that’s the name of a male protagonist. Well, the protagonist is female, and Raymond Johnson is the name of her boat. Confusing. I’d appreciate editing that got this story started on the first page. It wasn’t until about the 16th Kindle page that there was a hint of story, but still little in the way of tension. A leisurely, well written narrative that didn’t, for me, turn out to be a page-turner.

Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow. You can turn the page here.

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© 2016 Ray Rhamey

 

Flogometer for Daniel—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Daniel sends the first chapter of Homesick. The rest follows the break.

Alabaster McKenzie

Blue cigarette smoke lingered between me and my opponent—a miner with scattered patches of dark hair. A rowdy crowd took bets on who was going to win. I glimpsed at the odds table and saw my name in the lead. As it should be.

Frown all you want, soon you’ll be crying. 

I glanced at the cards: three Crosses—close to an unbeatable combination. I’d been toying with the guy all night, now was the time to finish the charade. I pushed my chips in. All or nothing. 

He licked his lips and showed me his cards—two Crowns and a Sceptre. A combo that happened once. In. A. Million. He grabbed the chips with a smirk. 

I dragged myself from the chair, pushed my way through the crowd, and stumbled out of the Gambling Room in a haze. I rubbed my tired eyes.

Someone from inside shouted, “Franklin has beaten the Bass. Congratulations!” 

I followed the lava tube’s amber lights to The Tharsis, one of a few canteens in the colony that served my favourite drink. I needed something strong to wash away the bad taste from my mouth. Patrons in grey jumpsuits sat next to a jukebox in the corner. Bionics. I slouched on the nearest barstool and raised a finger. 

The voice and writing are clear and strong, and we’re opening with an immediate scene. There’s conflict, too—unfortunately, it’s soon over and the tension is gone. A character we don’t know loses at a gambling game. For this reader, not a compelling scenario. What are the consequences of losing all his chips? What’s his desire, other than to win? What changes in his life does this loss cause? No hints about those things.

It turns out that this takes place on Mars—it would have been good to establish that when setting the scene. Plenty of setup follows before we get to something happening for this character, and the same goes for the next one. I suggest that you try to get your characters into trouble sooner.

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2016 by Daniel

Flogometer for Jim—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Jim sends the prologue and first chapter of Zombies Don’t Skate. The rest follows the break.

Prologue:

This morning, I found myself lying in bed, awake, but with my eyes still closed. Dreading the day ahead. If I could keep my eyes closed, maybe I could put it off indefinitely. This was gonna be one of those days. Today was the day I had decided I would ventured out into the world for the first time in seven months. I’m not a shut-in, nor agoraphobic, I was however afraid of zombies, and they were waiting for me outside.

My situation was getting serious. My Supplies were running low and as much as I hated the thought of leaving my safe little hidden shelter, I knew my time down there was limited.

 The situation in Austin was also not good. But to be fair, the situation worldwide was pretty screwed up. About nine months ago America watched a report on Television of an outbreak in western Africa. It was a particularly nasty outbreak. A virus was sweeping across the continent, something the world had never seen before. A hellish rendition of all things evil — ripped right off the screen of a horror movie.

At first they resisted using the term “Zombie” to describe the infected.

The first reporter to witness the infected horde in Sierra Leon didn’t sugarcoat it. His was the first report we saw, it was Pulitzer Prize worthy and terrifying at the same time.

The reporter was running hunkered down talking over his shoulder into the big black ball of his mic. “Things are bad here!” he said through the camera.

 

Chapter 1:

The bomb shelter was built by my late father. It was the product of his paranoid genius. He had been a manic conspiracy theorist with what could only be described as a severe dis-associative disorder. He never sought help for it and no one ever forced him to. Maybe someone should have.

Dad had always felt like the end of society was right around the corner. So, he collected guns, canned food and all manner of gadgets he thought might come in handy someday. He never worked at any one place for long. That is until he found a job as a night watchman at a warehouse near the airport. Personal relationships were tough for him. The watchman gig was a solitary job. It was perfect.

When I was in school he would come home every morning and make me breakfast. We would sit at the table where he would share the most recent plot he had discovered. The one that would inevitably end the world as we knew it.

As a little kid, his theories terrified me. By high school, I realized he was not altogether right. The time we spent together was tough, but  I excepted him and just tried to enjoy what time he gave me.  Once I graduated, I was gone, happy to be free of him and his craziness. I loved him, but as a kid with a crazy dad. I just had to leave.

We never talked much after I moved away. I got a call on my birthday once in a while and I went home for holidays now and again. But, we lived separate lives.

He died of a heart attack three years ago. It had to be the two packs he smoked every day. He (snip)

 

Good first-person voice and a gripping situation right off the bat drew me in. By the way, I wouldn’t label this the prologue—since it starts in the present of the story and continues right on in the first chapter, I think this is chapter 1. Yes, there’s a considerable info dump, but it’s interesting stuff. In an edit, I’d have to think hard about what to cut. Or whether or not to start with an action scene and weave in the information here.

Without the running start that the prologue gave it, chapter one doesn’t open all that successfully—it’s all backstory. I’ll add that I don’t really think all the stuff about his father is needed at this time (if ever—I don’t see how his father’s paranoia will affect the story ahead). I think an editor’s hand could strengthen the pace and involvement of the story in this chapter.

But the chapter does continue the story and gets him out of the shelter to discover what has become of the world, and I was interested in going along with him to find out. Note to Jim: you will definitely need an editor at some time; there were grammatical errors that will hurt you with readers. If it were me, I’d also look at where to start the story and how to include the world setup stuff. But it’s richly imagined, and your zombies are different enough to make me want to read more. Luck.

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2016 by Jim

Flog a BookBubber 23: Sean Platt & Johnny B. Truant

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says  that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.

Should this author have hired an editor? Here’s the first chapter page from a free novel by Sean Platt & Johnny B. Truant. It was promoted as a thriller.

The man in the light-blue robes circled the park’s fountain with no particular sense of hurry. His bare, bloodstained feet took slow, steady strides, imparting a sense of purpose in his apparent aimlessness. He looked like a man with nowhere to be and nowhere to go … whose lack of destination carried its own agenda. Like Shavasana, the so-called yogic corpse pose in which doing nothing at all is the challenge, the man seemed to be testing discipline through lack of activity.  

As the man walked, his blue robe (a peculiar color for such as him, with his shaved head and Zen bearing) swayed above his feet, a saffron sash occasionally peeking at his waist. He looked mostly down, not around, as if praying, or perhaps concentrating. A small, serene smile was on his dark-skinned face, and his eyes sparkled. He didn’t seem precisely happy, but he definitely didn’t seem unhappy. If anything, his bearing was one of acceptance. Of rightness. Of a deep knowledge that things in the world and the universe were as they should be, and that he knew how to work within that system, how to move, how to be, how to foster a sense of fulfillment. As people passed and nodded to him, the man would press his hands together in front of his chest and make a small bow with a smile — the gesture of namaste, which was intended not just as a greeting, but as his soul’s acknowledgement, centered in his heart chakra, of the other person’s soul.

This book received an average Amazon rating of 4.8 stars. I had mixed feelings about this opening. The writing is just fine, the voice distant but also fitting for a religious character. Without the bloodstained feet I’m not sure I would have turned the page, but with that as a tantalizer and the professional, if leisurely, approach to introducing me to this mysterious character, I did want to know what he would do next. So I turned the page, and I think I’ll be reading the book. What did you think?

Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow. You can turn the page here.

Ray

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© 2016 Ray Rhamey

 

Flogometer for Wayland—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Wayland sends the prologue and first chapter of Good at Dying. The rest follows the break.

Prologue:

Peaceful, yet so wise, so married. ¿The occasional, appealing, dangerous flash is from remembered poetry?

~ Moran, Jr. starting his third long drink ~

∞ ∞ ∞

If you'd seen Madison Monroe Moran, Jr. an hour ago crossing Main Street in Blue Ruby, Virginia, empty-handed, you would have guessed he was a weary traveler like yourself just arrived in Blue Ruby. From the look he had then, you'd have guessed he was a frustrated bon vivant making his way back to the Inn from the Piggly Wiggly where he, like you, had found the selection of French cheeses limited and the wine nonexistent. His face then was haggard and you would have thought he was muttering animatedly about the ordinance against selling off-premises wine in the historic center of town.

You'd have found him attractive, dangerous, but vulnerable. Subconsciously, you'd have wanted to give him one of your famous foot massages. But his attractive vulnerability was just one of the reasons we've waited until he's in the comfort of his suite at the Inn to invite you—the first handsome woman we've encountered in Blue Ruby today—into the story.

Now that he stands in the kitchen of his suite in the Sage County Inn, before his bottle a third time, an iron grip on the neck, is Madison Monroe Moran, Jr., the orphan son of an Irish (snip)

 Chapter 1:

She'll unbutton the top button on her dress and use one of the napkins from Momma's cedar chest to wipe down into the front of her dress a little and around her neck and she'll close her eyes and hold her face up at the sky and let you look at her neck without having to be ashamed.

John L plans a picnic alone with Cleo

~ ∞ ∞ ∞ ~

JOHN L WHITTLES: A SHOW of busyness to avoid being in the kitchen with Cleo. She stands bemused at the sink washing the breakfast dishes, barefoot with swabs of cotton between her toes to allow her nail polish to dry unmarred, enjoying the warmth of the water on her hands. She looks out the window at a doe and fawn, nervously eating what leaves they're able to reach. The deer are nibbling on a sassafras tree John L pruned to make bushy at a lower height so it would attract does with fawns. All the trees are holding on to their leaves this year, she thinks.

Cleo tries to conjure her mother, a mother she’s only ever seen in pictures. 17 years old and no mother. No mother to explain the fix she finds herself in. Occasionally, she glances back over her shoulder to smile at her Uncle John L whittling away in the front room.

He whittles at the life-size replica of a flintlock blunderbuss rifle he previously whittled from a big hickory limb. The blunderbuss is his proudest achievement in 13 years of learning the art of whittling. He started whittling at 15 to pass the time when he couldn’t go back to sleep at (snip)

Although well written, this prologue’s opening page (and the rest of it) illustrates the risk you take in writing in the second person. The writer asks me, the reader, to be someone else for a while. This is not the same as immersing me in a character’s story, it’s asking me to be the character.

But when “I” wanted to give another character one of my famous foot massages, I was thrown out of the story. For one thing, I don’t have any famous foot massages. For another, I wasn’t feeling any urge to give one. Perhaps this is just a failure of my imagination, but I was unable to get past the disorientation of being whoever and whatever this character is. And I didn’t know who and what “I” was supposed to be. Male? Female?

Then there’s the lack of story questions in this leisurely introduction of a character. The same applies to the opening page of the chapter. And then there’s the shifting point of view in chapter 1, hopping from the head of the man to that of the girl and back again. This is either head-hopping or an omniscient point of view, and neither works well for me. I find it confusing to have to switch from one mind/point of view from one paragraph to another without any kind of transition. And I ended up not understanding what the story was about after reading these first pages. I’m sure it’ll be engaging for someone, but the styles of both the prologue and the chapter just didn’t work for me.

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2016 by Wayland

Flogometer for Trin—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Trin sends the first chapter of Oh Brother. The rest follows the break.

“Grab my force ball plunger,” my Dad said. “No, that’s the suction cup one. Damn, damn, damn.” Water began gushing from the toilet. Dad started plunging until he came to the cause of the clog. My brother Maxwell’s infamous red ball. He must have dropped it in there by mistake. Although Dad was a salesman in the plumbing department, he seemed to know very little about plumbing itself. He was beet red and looked mystified. The water spread across the floor like a small flood. “Amelia, you’re going to clean this up.”

“Me?” I said, while making a new companion with the ground, my stare impenetrable as if this would get me out of the predicament.

“Yeah you," he said. He could have added the word dummy and I wouldn’t have been surprised, just heavily weighed down by the sopping mess and the amount of rags my mother would have to wash. I took on the project though, and rolled up my overalls and began the job. My mother, Roseann, wouldn’t be home till later in the evening, she was a homemaker and enjoyed filling her time by running errands for my brother’s boy scout troop.

My Dad’s six foot, fifty-year old frame maneuvered around the toilet. While, I began taking rags and wiping up the mess. It smelled like rotten eggs in the bathroom, and I pushed back strands of brown wavy hair, doing my best not to shake off any barrettes.

“Where’s Maxwell-Amelia?” My Dad asked as an afterthought, fumbling with the float (snip)

For me, this narrative starts at the wrong place unless, that it, it’s really a story about unclogging toilets. All of this action, as it turns out, has no bearing on the rest of the story. While it serves to characterize, why not characterize while giving us what the story is actually about. What does the protagonist need or want? What is preventing her from getting it? What goes wrong in her life that forces her to take action? That’s where to begin the story, and I didn’t see that in this chapter. Look for the real start later--there was a hint of something interesting, perhaps paranormal, at the very end, but far too late to engage this reader--and it wasn't about the protagonist. Some craft notes:

“Grab my force ball plunger,” my Dad dad said. “No, that’s the suction cup one. Damn, damn, damn.” Water began gushing from the toilet. Dad started plunging until he came to the cause of the clog. My brother Maxwell’s infamous red ball. He must have dropped it in there by mistake. Although Dad was a salesman in the plumbing department, he seemed to know very little about plumbing itself. He was beet red and looked mystified. The water spread across the floor like a small flood. “Amelia, you’re going to clean this up.” I’ve plunged my share of toilets, and it doesn’t match my experience that he would “come to” the ball. Plunging forces clogs down and out of the toilet, so I don’t see how he could come to the ball.

“Me?” I said, while making a new companion with the ground, my stare impenetrable as if this would get me out of the predicament. “making a new companion with the ground” didn’t make much sense to me at first and pulled me out of the story. Also, it’s a floor, not ground. This tries a little too hard for me.

“Yeah, you," he said. He could have added the word dummy and I wouldn’t have been surprised, just heavily weighed down by the sopping mess and the amount of rags my mother would have to wash. I took on the project though, and rolled up my overalls and began the job. My mother, Roseann, wouldn’t be home till later in the evening, she was a homemaker and enjoyed filling her time by running errands for my brother’s boy scout troop.

My Dad’s six foot, fifty-year old frame maneuvered around the toilet. While, while I began taking rags and wiping up the mess. It smelled like rotten eggs in the bathroom, and I pushed back strands of brown wavy hair, doing my best not to shake off any barrettes. Mentioning her hair color is a small break in point of view—she would not ordinarily think of that. Unless his size and age are important here, they are excess detail.

“Where’s Maxwell-Amelia?” My Dad asked as an afterthought, fumbling with the float (snip)

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2016 by Patricial

Flog a BookBubber 22: M. Louisa Locke

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says  that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.

Should this author have hired an editor? Here’s the first chapter page from a free novel by M. Louisa Locke. It was promoted as “A charming historical mystery brimming with suspense!”

“Time to head out, Dunk. Mr. Rashers will have our hides if we’re not back by seven-thirty, sharp.” Seth Timmons sorted through his coins and threw down two quarters, which included a generous tip for the amiable waitress.

Dunk mopped up the last of his gravy with the end of his roll and stuffed it into his mouth. “Don’t you want to take that with you?” the young apprentice mumbled, pointing to the two chunks of potato and a strip of beefsteak left on Seth’s plate.

Seth told him no and pushed himself away from the table as Dunk took out an ink-stained handkerchief and rolled up the left-overs, sticking the soggy bundle back into his jacket pocket. The boy was only fourteen, but he already neared six feet and looked to have a few more inches to go if his prodigious appetite was any indication. Seth remembered what it was like to be that young and feel on the brink of starvation all the time. He also remembered what it was like to really starve.

Slamming the door on the dark thoughts of the war and Andersonville prison, he said gruffly, “You think that’ll tide you over till quitting time?”

Dunk grinned. “Well, I guess I forgot to mention that Ma packed me supper. But since you were so nice as to treat me to a meal, I’ll split that with you later if you get a little peckish.”

Seth chuckled, put on his stetson, and turned to wend his way through the crowded (snip)

This book received an average Amazon rating of 4.4 stars and had 143 5-star reviews. For me, I think the writer was lucky to have had anyone turn the first page. The writing is professional and we’re starting with a scene, but where’s the tension? The only story question raised is whether or not Seth will split dinner later with Dunk. Well, I guess there’s also what happened to him in the war and Andersonville, but that’s backstory, not what’s happening now. Nor did I have any idea that this was a mystery from the narrative on the first page. Oh, the title gives me that, but shouldn’t the narrative have at least the aroma of a mystery? A no from me.

Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow. You can turn the page here.

Your thoughts?

Ray

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© 2016 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Ellie—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Ellie sends the prologue and first chapter of “Absurdist/ Speculative / Philosophical Science fiction “ story, Ephemeral. The rest follows the break.

Prologue:

There was once a child; for simplicity and anonymity sake let's name this child Cas. Cas was like a lot of people, but was also unlike others at the same time. They were a quiet individual, but also quite social in some instances. Like everyone else, Cas strived to be different; they wanted to stand out and be seen as more than just another person in the vast universe. They wanted to inspire and motivate others and make an impact on life. Cas wanted to mean something.

Now you as a reader may be thinking that yes everyone thinks this at some point and everyone wants to be something; and this thought is correct. All people are amazing. All people are different. Everyone IS somebody. It is simply the fact that people often cannot see the truth in the blistering speed in that life goes by. The people who fight through the hardest fights will most often get the largest reward; seeming to everyone else the reward being small. But they know what they went through to get there. We can all be great; we can all leave our mark no matter how big or small. This is hoped to be soon understood.

Cas was quite sarcastic in conversations when they did talk; mostly because they loved to make others laugh. Cas loved making people laugh; it gave them a sort of feeling of accomplishment. That they, although a minuscule part of a vast world were able to make someone happy; to make someone exert a positive emotion just because of something they (snip)

Chapter 1:

The sun was shining vividly on the brisk fall evening of September 23, 2015, in Cas' hometown of Birch Falls. A very telling name since it states the towns odd abundance of birch trees. Cas liked to take walks on days like these because it made them feel quite calm; something their mind was more often than not... not. The streets were to Cas' benefit, quiet. It helped them clear their mind and to feel free from the mayhem of the world around.

"This is nice", Cas thought silently. But they couldn't get rid of the utter feeling of emptiness; the feeling of dissatisfaction with the path their life has been affixed to. I want to do something exciting and new, I want to do something that isn't of the daily cycle; I always find myself walking the streets and thinking about what I could do or thinking what can be done but I never actually get around to actually doing such actions. What's the point of living if I don't experience it myself. So many possibilities, so many paths to take yet I walk this lonely road of casualty.

Yes, life is beautiful. The world is pretty alright. Seasons, smells, people, senses, the unknown; all of these things are so beautiful and brilliant in so many ways that I cannot fathom being able to express it in a way that could describe such beauty. Technology. Science. Knowledge. Art. So many concepts and realities that can all be learnt, but simply cannot be grasped by my feeble mind. The possibilities are infinite. We could do anything (snip)

The writing and voice are strong in these opening pages, but these narratives aren’t meant for me. While understanding that there are experimental elements to this tale, I stumbled over and over again at the use of plural pronouns for Cas instead of singular. I could see no reason in what is here for doing that other than, perhaps, to conceal the gender of the character. But every use of “they” instead of “him” or “her” jarred me right out of the narrative because it never stopped feeling, well, wrong. And, grammatically speaking, it is wrong.

The other issue for me is that in neither the prologue or the chapter opening pages did much of anything happen and there were no story questions raised. In the prologue, we have some authorial musing and a description of a character, but nothing happens.

In the chapter opening, we soon dip into a lot more musing. For me, long introspections such as this don’t count as something happening. The character seems to want something in the chapter opening, to do something exciting and new, but that is not a pressing desire to me. There are no consequences suggested for doing something different, either positive or negative. I think it takes a different kind of reader than I am to get into this narrative approach.

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2016 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2016 by Ellie