Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Download a free PDF copy here.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
- It begins engaging the reader with the character
- Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
- The character desires something.
- The character does something.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- What happens raises a story question.
Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.
Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.
Shifu sends the first chapter of Cupid Proof. The rest of the chapter follows the break.
“You’re snoring.”
I ignored the words, rolled on my stomach and continued to listen to ‘Girl on Fire’.
“Eve, you can sleep until ten o’clock, but you have to move today.”
“I domnt wamma muv…” I reached out and searched the bed for my blanket. As soon as I could grab it, Mom pulled it away.
I shot a sleepy glare at her and rolled my eyes. I pulled myself off the bed and slumped backwards.
“This comfy bed… Can’t leave…” I pushed a hand under the pile of pillows I abandoned while I was asleep and moaned.
“Eve, this isn’t easy for us either.”
My eyes opened involuntarily and with such suddenness that I felt dizzy. I looked at Mom who had a solemn look on her face.
“I’ll get ready and then we’ll talk okay?” I pulled myself off the bed for a second time. Rubbing my eyes, I walked to the dresser and stared at myself in the mirror.
“Okay.” Mom walked out, closing the door behind her. I continued to stare at myself through the mirror.
“Well, Eve… This is gonna be fun…” I yawned and dragged my groggy feet towards the (snip)
This opening introduces a teenage girl doing what they do when a parent tries to waken them in a realistic way—though I’m not a girl, I recognize her behavior. My mother used to use a cold wash cloth to shock me out of slumber.
But that’s about it. What’s happening here? A girl gets out of bed. No notion of why, no notion of any problems ahead . . . no hint of a story question. Basically, this chapter is setup and didn’t get around to story questions until the end of the chapter. And, even then, Eve didn’t have any problems to deal with. I think the story starts later.
There were craft issues, too—clarity and overwriting, and those things showed up later in the chapter, too. Notes:
“You’re snoring.” Why not “Wake up?” Telling her she’s snoring isn’t exactly a move to get her out of bed.
I ignored the words, rolled on my stomach and continued to listen to ‘Girl on Fire’.
“Eve, you can sleep until ten o’clock, but you have to move today.” If she can sleep until ten, why is the mother insisting she get out of bed now?
“I domnt wamma muv…” I reached out and searched the bed for my blanket. As soon as I could grab it, Mom pulled it away.
I shot a sleepy glare at her and rolled my eyes. I pulled myself off the bed and slumped backwards. I didn’t understand this action. Is she off the bed or not? To make it clear, something such as . . . and then slumped backwards, back onto the bed.
“This comfy bed… Can’t leave…” I pushed a hand under the pile of pillows I had abandoned while I was asleep and moaned.
“Eve, this isn’t easy for us either.”
My eyes opened involuntarily and with such suddenness that I felt dizzy. I looked at Mom’s who had a solemn expression look on her face. All that about opening her eyes is a bit of overwriting for me—excess detail that doesn’t move story or characterization forward. Just have her open her eyes. Actually, you don't have to have her open her eyes, just saying that she looked at her mom takes care of that.
“I’ll get ready and then we’ll talk okay?” I pulled myself off the bed for a second time. Rubbing my eyes, I walked to the dresser and stared at myself in the mirror. The first time I read this I thought to myself that she hadn’t gotten out of bed—that was due to the lack of clarity in the earlier paragraph.
“Okay.” Mom walked out, closing the door behind her. I continued to stare at myself through in the mirror. No need to repeat the reference to the mirror, we already know she's staring at it.
“Well, Eve… This is gonna be fun…” I yawned and dragged my groggy feet towards the (snip)
Continued:
. . . bathroom.
“I got the freaking internship… with amazing bonuses…” I waved my almost lifeless arms in the air as I said the word “amazing”. I put some toothpaste on my brush and brought it to my mouth.
“Bbyshitta tshree yar olds gonbe fun. Shoomush… foon…”
I was a zombie weirdo in the mornings until I splashed cold water on my face. And I did just that, shuddering as I did.
I walked into the wardrobe, thinking to myself. Am I being too stingy? I was going to be away for a month or two; I should be more generous with my packing. But I was generous! Three huge suitcases were placed by the door. The only things in my dresser were all the black dresses and two gowns Mom bought for me. I stuffed them in a corner of the top cupboard yesterday, so that she wouldn’t know I didn’t bring them along.
If I was going to do this, I will be doing it my way. Woohoo!
I scanned the room, my shoulders slumped. The four blue walls, the white curtains, my comfy bed and my spongy pillows; they still looked welcoming. Nothing much, I thought, since I owned so little compared to most girls I’ve met. But I was still going to miss them. Closing the door behind me, I wiped an imaginary tear from my eyes. Goodbye room. I’ll miss you.
I grabbed a suitcase and pushed it down the staircase, a smug look on my face as the sound of it landing grabbed Mom and Dad’s attention.
“Eve!” Mom looked at me with a horrified look on her face while Dad picked up the suitcase and sighed.
“Why do you hate boys so much?” The seriousness in his voice startled both me and Mom. “I or your brothers haven’t done anything to hurt you.”
Mom sighed and looked at me, and something told me this was a topic frequently discussed between them.
“I dunno, I just don’t.” I shrugged, picking up the suitcase with ‘FRAGILE’ written on it and holding it out for Dad which he grabbed. I took the other suitcase and slid it down the stairs. Dad grabbed it before it landed properly and hoisted it up while I reached downstairs.
“Ready? Is everything set?” Dad patted his jean pockets while I watched Mom put on her designer cross body bag.
“Don’t look at me, Eve. You rejected your gift and gave it to some school kid on your own.”
“I wasn’t adoring your bag Mom. I’m glad I rejected such an expensive, but downright useless thing.” I pointed at my Nike backpack for emphasis.
“It was a gift, for God’s sake!” Mom turned away from us but there was a slight hint of red on her cheeks.
Dad ruffled my hair and chuckled. “She’ll inherit your passion for fashion someday, Hon.”
“God forbid.”
Mom ‘hmphed’, crossing her arms acros her chest and Dad laughed.
“We’ll miss you Eve.”
“I know I will.”
Edinburgh was only an hour’s drive from where we lived. And thankfully, Mom and Dad gave me time to ponder about the world and its existence while I stared outside the window.
Just kidding.
The three of us put on some exotic music and made up senseless lyrics while we sang. At one point, Dad sang something along the lines of ‘Ian and Eve are made for each other’. I decided to ignore it since fighting back would make them think of more absurd ideas.
“Dad, do you really feel that bad about me not being social with guys?”
I felt the car slowing down but an hour was not over yet.
“Not really. Eve, you’re nineteen, and I’d like to see you at least be friends with some guys. You downright reject and shame guys. I feel them, as a man, you know.”
I shrugged. “Sorry Dad.” At least, I apologized. Frankly, I didn’t bother to know why I was so antisocial around boys.
“Don’t think about it. Maybe the time hasn’t come yet.”
Mom giggled.
“Dreeeeeeeeeaam ooooonnnnn!” I sang. Dad laughed before turning up the volume and speeding up.
Whitney Houston’s ‘I will always love you’ was on the radio. I put my hands on my ears. Houston sounded so desperate, it was sickening me.
The sound of the car screeching to a halt rang in my ears as I opened my eyes. As soon as I did, my jaw dropped.
“Is this Birmingham Palace?” I stuck my face to the window glass, hoping to see more.
“Ha-ha, no, it’s the Bryans’ Mansion.”
No way. “Only three people live here?!”
“And a butler and a maid.”
“Next joke please, Dad.”
“He’s not joking.”
I gave Mom a horrified look.
“Don’t worry, love. You won’t get lost. You’ll stay with Mia, in a room close to the entrance.”
Whew.
“There you are, Arthur! Welcome!”
I turned towards the sound and saw a smiling, middle aged man opening the gates and walking towards our car. He was followed by a boy that looked my age and a small girl who clutched a teddy bear in her arms.
Dad got out of the car and the men greeted each other in a warm embrace. Mom got out and walked over to them as well, so I got out too.
“Rina! How nice to meet you!” the man said as he hugged Mom.
“And this is Eve, I presume! You look just like your mother!” He reached out to hug me as well, when I instinctively took a step backwards, putting my hands in front of me. From the corner of my eye, I saw that boy and girl gasp a little and when I looked at Mom and Dad, they were shaking their heads.
“I mean, uh,” I straightened my posture and held out a hand, “Yes, I’m Eve, and thank you, nice to meet you,” He looked slightly baffled but shook my hand anyway.
“Sorry about that, Eddy” Dad whispered to the man, but I heard it faintly. “Eve, this is Mr. Edward Bryan, CEO of BryCO Group of Companies.”
I smiled a bit and nodded my head in acknowledgment. “It’s an honour to be an intern here, Mr. Bryan.”
“Please, call me Eddy.” He smiled, which looked creepy to me.
Sweeping a bead of sweat off his forehead, he said. “Hot weather isn’t it? Jimmy!” A man in his forties rushed out the front door towards Mr. Bryan. “Get Eve’s luggage to her room! And tell Maya to prepare tea for the guests!” Then, he motioned to us. “Let’s go inside.”
As we all followed Mr. Bryan inside the building, I wondered if my time on Earth was coming to an end because something told me it was.
I felt a tug at the edge of my sweater.
It was the kid who was clutching a teddy bear in her hands. “I’m Mia. Nice to meet you.”
Ohh God of the Seven Heavens! She sounded just like little Anna from Frozen.
“Aww, I’m Eve. Nice to meet you too.” I crouched down to her level. “Are you, um, the one I’m going to babysit?”
She giggled, sending a wave of happiness inside me. Her eyes were closed as she grinned. “Mm!”
Kids were so adorable.
“You’re so pretty, Eva!” she reached out to touch my hair and giggled.
“Oh, you’re so cute Mia!” I caught her in a hug, despite my thoughts disagreeing with my statement. Cute she was, right now. Cute she won’t be, later. Kids had little devils inside them. I could already see myself chasing her around the house with a spoon, begging her to take a bite. Or with a diaper, begging her to put them on before she pooped or peed all over the house, which I’d have to clean. I don’t mind cleaning, but I hated begging. What if-
“Are you both going to stand there or are you both coming in? We need to lock the door.”
I shot an instinctive glare at the boy called Ian. He interrupted my thoughts. And he didn’t look pleased either.
“Ian!” Mia slid out of my embrace and ran towards the boy.
I rose to my feet and strode towards them.
“Ian, Eva’s gonna be the prettiest nanny I’ve ever had!” Mia jumped, her loud giggle threatening to burst my eardrums.
“Haa-haa Mia,” I blurted.
Ian shot me a glare to which I responded similarly.
What the hell was wrong with this kid?
“Ian, bring Eva in already! You have all summer to talk and bond with each other!”
I gagged. Ian had a disgusted look on his face. But the people inside were laughing heartily.
“Coming, Daddy!” I watched Mia run inside and I was going to go inside when Ian spoke.
“You’re weird and I don’t like you.”
Ha-ha! What a funny dude!
“Nobody asked for your opinion, Bryan!” I chuckled again as I walked past him into the house.