Apologies for the belated post, had a business trip to Portland yesterday.
Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Download a free PDF copy here.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
- It begins engaging the reader with the character
- Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
- The character desires something.
- The character does something.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- What happens raises a story question.
Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.
Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.
Catherine sends the first chapter of The Belles of Nolichucky. The rest follows the break.
Friday, June 2, 1967
MacBeth woke up. Something didn't smell right. The half-wolf half-pitbull rose, alert, ready, the thick fur of his neck fluffing out. He slunk in predator crouch out of the kitchen pantry into the dining room.
The man packed the pieces of silverware one at a time into his duffel bag. He was careful not to make a sound. Not a clink, not a tinkle. He'd spotted this mansion on his trip through Nolichucky last week and knew it had to hold treasures untold. Silver and gold. For the taking.
MacBeth issued one short, sharp growl. The burglar turned around. MacBeth launched straight for his balls. The man didn't move as quick as the dog. MacBeth's fangs pierced the burglar's jeans at the tip of the zipper and latched onto his dick. The man screamed. MacBeth, jaws locked began a slow backstep. The man screamed, his fists pounding the dog's head. MacBeth had the thick skull of his pitbull mama and the long well-muscled neck of his wolf daddy.
***
Deputy Beau Marsh climbed out of his Chevy cruiser. The thin red-head pulled his belt out of his pants, held his cap over his precious area and belted it down tight. He been advised of the nature of MacBeth's action. The burglar had to be an outsider. No one in Nolichucky - no one in his right mind - would venture uninvited into the Gregg mansion in the dead of night for any reason whatsoever. If MacBeth didn't get you, sixty-eight year old Aunt NayNay, legally Naomi (snip)
Well, this certainly opens in media res—there is definitely something going on. But the opening section with the dog doesn’t, it seems to me, relate to whatever the story is about. What happens here? A burglary is foiled by a dog, a cop arrives afterward. The page—and, I think, the chapter—boils down to setup. I suspect, thought I don’t know, that this story is not about the burglar with the troubled penis. He doesn’t even have a name.
It could be about the officer, but there doesn’t seem to be anything current or looming that could trouble him. So what’s this story about? I dunno. While the writing is good, there are still some things to look at in the narrative. Notes:
Friday, June 2, 1967
MacBeth woke up. Something didn't smell right. The half-wolf half-pitbull pit bull rose, alert, ready, the thick fur of his neck fluffing out. He slunk in predator crouch out of the kitchen pantry into the dining room. I think “slunk” pictures the dog’s movements just fine.
The man packed the pieces of silverware one at a time into his duffel bag. He was careful not to make a sound. Not a clink, not a tinkle. He'd spotted this mansion on his trip through Nolichucky last week and knew it had to hold treasures untold. Silver and gold. For the taking.
MacBeth issued one short, sharp growl. The burglar turned around. MacBeth launched straight for his balls. The man didn't move as quick quickly as the dog. MacBeth's fangs pierced the burglar's jeans at the tip of the zipper and latched onto his dick. The man screamed. MacBeth, jaws locked began a slow backstep. The man screamed, his fists pounding pounded the dog's head. MacBeth had the thick skull of his pitbull pit bull mama and the long, well-muscled neck of his wolf daddy. This is a little nitpicky, but accuracy affects credibility. The narrative says the dog’s fangs latch onto the man’s penis at the “tip” of the zipper. Doesn’t that mean the top? If not, where is the tip of a zipper? The bottom doesn’t seem logical. Both a man’s penis and testicles are at the bottom of the crotch in a pair of pants, not at the top of the zipper. Think through either the nature of this staging or the description. Also, no need for the repetition of "the man screamed"
***
Deputy Beau Marsh climbed out of his Chevy cruiser. The thin red-head pulled his belt out of his pants, held his cap over his precious area and belted it down tight. He been advised of the nature of MacBeth's action. The burglar had to be an outsider. No one in Nolichucky - no one in his right mind - would venture uninvited into the Gregg mansion in the dead of night for any reason whatsoever. If MacBeth didn't get you, sixty-eight year old Aunt NayNay, legally Naomi (snip) I found the detailed description of the action with the cap confusing, especially holding his cap over his parts as he belted it down tight. First, that seems difficult to do—putting a belt around your hips requires two hands, so how is he holding the cap in place? I do think it’s a funny thought. I also think this could be solved with a simple summary that doesn’t go into detail—I think the reader could buy it. For example: He used his belt to strap his cap in place over his precious area. All the detail is a bit of overwriting and lent itself to confusion rather than clarity, IMO.