Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for EJ—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Desired. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

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EJ sends a revision of her first chapter of Called . The rest of the chapter follows the break.

Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.

“How many girls, mom?”

“I only invited a couple dozen girls and their parents, Mackenzie. You will be polite and have a good time.”

Two-dozen girls? Kill me now.

“What made you think I would enjoy this?" I asked.

“Because we’ve been in South Carolina since the middle of May and you need to find some girlfriends." She thought she was helping me, I know, but still. “Mackenzie, you need to branch out.”

I took a deep breath. “Mom, I like my life the way it is—it’s uncomplicated, plain, and simple. My friends live in my iPod, and my therapist within the pages of books."

“You had friends in Lubbock.” My mother let out a sigh. “Here it seems like you’ve retreated into yourself because you’re afraid of getting hurt. School is starting on Monday. Don’t you think it’d be nice to, at least, have a few acquaintances?”

My shoulders slumped. “I had a friend in Lubbock, and she sailed the good ship Brad to Relationship Island never to be heard from again." I looked up. “Plus, you know how I feel about large crowds."

She eyed me closely. “You know, most girls want their 16th birthday party to be huge." My mom turned to grab the tenth batch of cupcakes to frost.

I like the voice, and the writing is good. Mackenzie says funny things, and I liked the promise of more entertaining prose and thoughts. On the other hand, I suspect that this opening would only be compelling to a seriously introverted teen. The only story question raised is the level of how bummed she will be while attending a party in her honor. The stakes? Not much. What’s the story about? Don’t know. The remainder of the chapter continues in a similar vein, ending with Mackenzie getting ready to dress for the party. As far as I can see, there are no consequences to her attending, and really no desires that can be frustrated other than not going to a party. I suspect the real story starts later, and, considering the fun of the character, I’d like to read that part.

For what it’s worth.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

 

Hiding Magic review--great page-turner

I want to share an Amazon reader review for Hiding Magic with you. It's the first that's come in.

A great page-turner

"Hiding Magic is a great sci-fi read that really relies more on the strengths of the story than on over-the-top super powers. Yes, there are certainly people with special abilities in the book, but that’s not the hook that keeps things interesting. There’s a tense game of cat and mouse being played between the two main characters and a tough as nails homeland security agent who’s convinced they’re terrorists. Throw in a megalomaniac scientist who wants to wipe out humankind with a bio germ and you get a pretty fast-paced story. . . Also, I won’t spoil the ending for anyone, but I will say it didn’t turn out quite the way I expected it to. That’s always a bonus for me. . . . I highly recommend this."

You can read a sample chapter and purchase a signed copy from me here, or go to Amazon for either the paperback or the Kindle edition.

Flog a BookBubber 12

Call for submissions for the Flogometer, none in the queue. Get fresh eyes on your opening page and chapter or prologue. See submission instructions at the bottom of any Flogometer post.

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Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.

I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free. I’ve noticed that many of these folks use a prologue—I generally skip those books, but today I thought I’d try one. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments are after the fold along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.

Should this author have hired an editor? Here’s the prologue from a book by Andy Straka.

Either homeboy had wigged out on us or forgotten his blue-faced, oyster shell Rolex. Better yet, rather than finger one of his own for murder, he had decided he preferred to perpetuate his still young life.

The snow could have been confetti the way it swirled in the glow from the streetlights and skittered across the hood of the unmarked. I blew on my frozen hands to stave off the numbness. Toronto, on the passenger side, nursed a tepid foam cup. We both stared down the street at the upper-floor windows of a darkened two-family, its sagging porch clashing badly with the well-tended look-alikes on either side. The block was out of our jurisdiction, off North Avenue in New Rochelle. Son of Sam territory from a decade before, a mixed commercial and residential neighborhood, tony section of Pelham a few hundred yards over the hill.

“It’s getting colder. You wanna call it a night?”

Jake Toronto looked more like a club bouncer than a detective. Short but linebacker broad, his ample shoulders shaped his turtleneck beneath an unbuttoned Knicks jacket. Narrow cheekbones looked out of proportion to the rest of him: a Roman nose, close-cropped black hair, and deep-set eyes. An aura of menace mixed with Old Spice seemed to surround him. He left you with the impression something boiled just beneath the surface with which you would not wish to contend.

Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

The writing and voice in A Witness Above are strong, a good sign. The scene is set, and we know we’re dealing with cops on a mission. However . . . I found the first paragraph a little hard to parse. I had to read it a couple of times to understand that someone they had a meeting with hadn’t shown up. And, if this writer’d had me as an editor, he wouldn’t have spent all that narrative time describing his partner on the first page instead of getting on with the story. For me, that diversion was a warning sign that the writer hasn’t quite grasped the notion of a compelling first page. I passed.

You can turn the first page here.

Your thoughts?

Ray

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© 2016 Ray Rhamey