Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—and here’s a complete trilogy for no cost. How can you resist? (By reading the first page.) Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.
Should this author have hired an editor? Here’s the prologue from the first book in a trilogy by Steven F. Freeman. The promo billed it as “A pulse-pounding trio of thrillers!"
Captain Alton Blackwell had nearly reached the end of his twelve-hour shift in the mobile communications—“ mobcom”— vehicle, a command-center van mounted along the length of a chassis roughly the size of a commercial bus. The mobcom housed arrays of cutting-edge communication equipment packed along shelves. Along each side of the van, long, mounted tables with chairs provided just enough space for sixteen soldiers to operate the equipment. Alton’s Army unit, the 76th Brigade Combat Team, was stationed in the desert near Gazib, about two hundred miles north of Kandahar. Aton, commander of the soldiers operating the mobcom van, was responsible for establishing and securing the brigade’s communications network.
Alton leaned back in his chair and stretched his arms straight up.
“Long shift, huh, Captain?” asked Lieutenant Anders, his second-in-command.
“Yeah, but at least we’re inside. I guess being in the Signal Corps has its advantages. We’re in here with the A/ C, not outside in that oven.”
“Ain’t that the truth.”
“Lieutenant,” said Alton, “have you finished the conversion of the signal scramblers to NORAD’s new encryption protocols?”
“No, sir. We have to replace the motherboards, and the space behind the wall panels is (snip)
Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
Hard to believe a typo such as misspelling the protagonist’s name would be on the first page, but there it is. But what’s not on the first page is a story question, bogged down as it is by the long and not very interesting setup about the “mobcom.” As it happens, an attack comes soon—but I wouldn’t have gotten there. No page turn for me despite that this is a free trilogy.
You can turn the page here.
Your thoughts?
Ray
© 2016 Ray Rhamey