Getting’ Low. Only one flog for next week. Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Download a free PDF copy here.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
- It begins engaging the reader with the character
- Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
- The character desires something.
- The character does something.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- What happens raises a story question.
Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.
Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.
Tony sends the first chapter of Through Brian’s Eyes. The rest of the chapter follows the break.
Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.
Kyle and Vance skidded to a stop after hearing the crash behind them, but where was Adam? When they turned around, Kyle saw the rear of an SUV that sat cockeyed on the sidewalk, just outside the cemetery grounds. Across the street, on the curb, sat a white Camry smashed in the front, with steam rising from underneath the hood. People driving in their vehicles pulled over and stopped. Some ran towards the SUV while others approached the crushed white Camry. He also noticed folks in the surrounding buildings stepping outside to see what was going on, with a few of them rushing over to offer help.
As more grownups gathered around the SUV, Kyle and Vance peddled back to look for Adam. He wasn’t that far behind them when they raced by him. That's when Kyle spotted Adam’s rear bicycle wheel pinned underneath the SUV.
“Look! Isn't that Adam’s bike?” Kyle asked.
“Where is he?” Vance said.
“I dunno.”
They looked all through the crowd, but didn't see him. Vance, put down his kickstand and left his bike, wanting to get a closer look at the lady they pulled out of the SUV. As he made his way over to the crowd, he glanced inside the cemetery and saw a pair of white tennis shoes. Those look like Adam’s, he thought. He changed direction and paused before placing his feet on (snip)
While there is a legitimate story question raised—what happened to Vance’s friend—there were issues with the narrative that need to be cleared up before I’m ready to turn the page. For me, the chapter takes too much time with exposition about the accident and injured people who, it appears, have nothing to do with the story. The description tends to overwriting now and then (for example, telling us the boy “changed direction”). There is an interesting suggestion later in the story that seems to link the boys’ injured friend with a criminal who was executed, and that could be an interesting story. So start as close to that as you can and expand it from there. The key happening in this chapter is the friend getting hit by a car and being injured on the criminal’s grave. All the previous detail about the nature of the cars and the other accident victims has nothing to do with the story as far as I can see. Some notes on narrative issues:
Kyle and Vance skidded to a stop after hearing the crash behind them, but where was Adam? When they turned around, Kyle saw the rear of an SUV that sat sitting cockeyed on the sidewalk, just outside the cemetery grounds. Across the street, on the curb, sat a white Camry smashed in the front, with steam rising from underneath the hood. People driving in their vehicles pulled over and stopped. Some ran towards the SUV while others approached the crushed white Camry. He also noticed folks in the surrounding buildings stepping outside to see what was going on, with a few of them rushing over to offer help. All the detail about people stopping, etc. isn’t really necessary. People can be brought in later.
As more grownups gathered around the SUV, Kyle and Vance peddled back to look for Adam. He wasn’t that far behind them when they raced by him. That's when Kyle spotted Adam’s rear bicycle wheel bike pinned underneath the SUV. A logical inconsistency here: he couldn’t have been behind them when they raced by him. He could be behind them after they race past.
“Look! Isn't that Adam’s bike?” Kyle asked.
“Where is he?” Vance said.
“I dunno.”
They looked all through the crowd, but didn't see him. Vance, put down his kickstand and left his bike, wanting to get a closer look at the lady they pulled out of the SUV. As he made his way over to the crowd, he glanced inside the cemetery and Then Vance saw a pair of white tennis shoes inside the cemetery. They looked like Adam’s. Those look like Adam’s, he thought. He changed direction and paused before placing his feet on (snip) On the shoes: these days it would be unlikely that he wore actual tennis shoes. "Sneakers" would probably be a better choice. The presence and the nearness of the cemetery should stronger in the opening scene-setting. My kids used to hold their breath whenever we passed a cemetery. That kind of thing could be used in setting the scene. Thoughtstarter: Vance strained to keep holding his breath as he and Vance left Adam behind and raced past the cemetery. They’d almost made it when a huge crash sounded behind them.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Tony
Continued
. . . the cemetery grounds. His breathing quickened when he noticed Adam lying beneath a bloody tombstone.
“Kyle! Kyle! Come here! I found Adam! Help! Somebody help!” Vance yelled with fear in his voice.
Kyle ran towards Vance and stood beside him, staring down at their friend. Soon other bystanders came over to view the horrific scene.
Neither Kyle nor Vance ventured too close to Adam. Although he was their very good friend, they were frightened at the sight of him. This was a new experience for the eleven year olds and they wished the grownups would do something. Kyle noticed multiple people on their cellphones. Some were talking while others were taking videos instead of helping, which filled his heart with anger. He prayed at least one of them would call 911 and soon his prayers was answered. An approaching siren grew louder then suddenly stopped. He heard another siren, in the distance, approaching rapidly, followed by a third.
They saw an officer dart from his car. He moved the crowd back to check on the woman and the two children who were extracted from the SUV. A bystander was holding one of the children who was still crying, so the officer tended to the woman. She was bleeding from her head, unconscious but was breathing. He turned his attention to the youngest child. He placed his ear close to her mouth and nose, then grasped her small wrist. His frustration was evident. He began CPR, opening the little girl’s mouth and pinching her tiny nose shut. He worked unrelentingly on her, forcing air into her lungs followed by small chest compressions.
During all of this, Kyle saw a second officer, across the street, checking out the driver of the Camry while a third officer was directing traffic around the scene. Another siren came screaming around the corner. No one was tending to Adam and Kyle became fed up. As Adam lay there bleeding, Kyle ran into the street and told the officer directing traffic,
“Mr. Policeman. I think my friend was hit by the SUV. He was knocked into the cemetery, and he’s bleeding a lot. Help him, please!”
The officer raised both hands, halting traffic in both directions, and followed Kyle into the cemetery. He was shocked at the sight that lay before him. Instantly, the officer knew Adam was dead. There was too much blood. After moving everyone back, he called for an ambulance on his lapel radio. Next, he kneeled down and grabbed Adam’s limp wrist, squeezing it gently. Then he looked up at Kyle with a neutral expression and said,
“More help is coming right now.”
Vance heard more sirens approaching. He was having trouble coping and was on the verge of crying. Too much commotion was taking place around him; his friend was on the ground bleeding; the little girl wasn’t moving; and people were taking videos. As he looked around the crowd, he saw some of those people taking videos of him. Tears rolled down his cheeks, and he turned and ran back to his bike. He hopped on it and rode away without saying anything to Kyle.
Kyle watched Vance leave and knew he was scared, but how could he could leave his friend like that? Kyle made up his mind to stick around. The crowd was getting on his nerves too, but it made him more upset than scared. He stuck his tongue out at anyone taking videos of him. He really wanted to give them all the bird, but there were too many grownups. Then, without thinking, he said,
“Why don’t you help my friend instead of taking pictures of him? You’re all worthless. I wished you’d just get out of here and go home.”
His words and images were forever recorded on different cellphones that day. A kid pleading for people to help his friend, calling them out, and letting them know just what he thinks of them. The officer empathized with Kyle and said,
“You heard the young man. Everyone not here to help should leave. You’re contaminating this scene.”
The crowd began to disperse as Kyle saw multiple ambulances arrive. The paramedics dispersed more of the crowd, so they could check on the victims. The man in Camry could walk on his own and was loaded into the back of an ambulance. Paramedics relieved the officer performing CPR on the little girl. They continued for a long while, then suddenly stopped. They called it, and softly placed a white tarp over the child’s lifeless body, causing some of the remaining bystanders to gasp. The woman was loaded onto a stretcher, her head bandaged and an IV in her arm, then loaded into a separate ambulance. Another paramedic took hold of the crying child placed her in the same ambulance as the woman on the assumption they were related.
As the paramedics approached Adam carrying their medical kits, the officer stopped them and whispered something, causing their faces to relax. Kyle wished he knew what was said. The paramedics began working on Adam by placing towels on his head to curtail the bleeding while the other performed CPR. Kyle knew what CPR was, and what it meant. After a while, they stopped and removed the paddles from their kit. They spread on a little lubrication and rubbed them together, then opened his shirt, and placed them on his chest. Seconds later, Adam’s limp body convulsed towards the sky. They waited a few seconds, checked for a pulse, and used the paddles again. A paramedic lifted Adam's wrist and held it, feeling for any sign of life.
“I’ve got a pulse,” the paramedic said.
He placed it back down by Adam’s side and stowed the paddles. Unexpectedly, Adam's body convulsed once more. It was more pronounced this time, and he stayed that way. A paramedic had to force him back down and straighten out his body. Then they slid an orange fiberglass board underneath him to keep his body immobile. They lifted him up and placed him on a stretcher. Kyle watched his friend get loaded into the back of the ambulance and taken away.
Kyle replayed everything that took place since he heard the collision. They were all on the sidewalk, and he remembered peddling past Adam. Not because he heard the sound of the collision, he wanted to ride up front, and he raced with Vance to get there first. If he’d stayed with Adam, he may have been hurt too. He wondered why the accident happened in the first place. The sun was out, and it wasn’t raining. There wasn’t a lot of traffic. He watched as one of his friends almost died, and his other friend abandoned him because he was too upset. Now Kyle stood there, alone, with a myriad of questions eleven-year-olds can concoct once a taste of reality smacks them about.
Kyle stood by as the police blocked off the street to begin their investigation. Seeing Adam hurt so badly bothered him, but what really ate at him was the fact that it looked like Adam’s head hit the tombstone. Maybe if he hadn’t hit it, he would just have a few broken bones, he thought. As the police worked, Kyle decided to take another look at the bloody tombstone Adam hit. The inscription read,
Brian Kirkland
1989 - 2015
May God Have Pity on Your Soul
That name meant something to Kyle, but he wasn’t sure why. He heard the sound of plastic unraveling behind him and turned to see an officer approaching him, unfurling yellow police tape. Kyle backed up out of the way. The officer gave a small smile, but Kyle didn’t return it. Suddenly, Kyle blurted out,
“Do you know what happened?”
“Not yet, son.”
“My friend was hurt by the accident, and he hit his head on that tombstone,” Kyle said, pointing to the object.
“Brian Kirkland! Oh boy! A lot of people are glad he’s dead,” the policeman commented softly.
“Why?”
“He hurt a lot of people, and the state had the last word.”
“They executed him?”
The stunned cop said, “Yes, that right. They executed him.”
“Oh. If my friend hadn’t hit his head on that tombstone, he might be okay.”
“Sorry about your friend. Okay, I’ll need you to step back a little more so I can tape this off. Maybe you should head home so we can get our investigation done. I hope your friend will be okay.”
“I do too,” Kyle said, hanging his head as he turned and headed for his bike.
*****