Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Download a free PDF copy here.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
- It begins engaging the reader with the character
- Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
- The character desires something.
- The character does something.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- What happens raises a story question.
Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.
Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.
Tony sends the first chapter of Kelly’s Curse . The rest of the chapter follows.
Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.
REALITY. A small word with a limitless number of interpretations, but for fourteen year old Kelly Chamberlain, his particular interpretation went hand-in-hand with his imagination. Kelly was an average kid, as average kids go. Just barely pushing five feet tall, he had a slight build, more on the skinny side. He felt his feet were much too large for his body, and the same went for his head. Being so slim, his clothes hung off him awkwardly and gave him a baggy appearance. He reached the age of puberty and all the good and bad that goes with it, and the worst were his pimples. Nodules of oil scattered across his forehead and cheeks. Looking in the mirror at his reflection was like looking at an alien. He disapproved of what he saw, but realized he couldn’t do anything about it.
It was another school day, and upon wakening, he began his normal routine of washing his face, brushing his teeth, applying pimple cream, and combing his nappy hair. His short afro was one aspect of his looks he appreciated, and he tried to take care of it as best he could. He didn’t concern himself with what he wore each day. The first pair of pants he saw and the first shirt would be his wardrobe. Others at school dressed like they were going to a job interview, but not Kelly. He wasn’t trying to impress anyone…not with all those pimples. He preferred staying low key, getting to his classes with the least amount of harassment, and coming home.
He left his bedroom and went straight to the kitchen. No one was there. No one was in the (snip)
As I read this opening page I was reminded of what I keep harping about—something is happening in a scene, and what is happening MAKES me want to know what happens next. While the writing is clear here, what happens? A boy gets ready to go to school. I don’t see a story question, nor do I have any idea of what this story is about. I think Tony has succumbed to the very natural writer’s feeling that we need to know a lot about a character so we can understand what he does when things do happen. That leads to a lot of setup exposition like this page.
I disagree. Put the character into a scene with action that causes some kind of problem for him that forces him to take action. The only action here is grooming. The rest of the chapter is having breakfast and walking to school. On the walk, nothing seriously troublesome happens to Kelly. I think the story needs to start much closer to the inciting incident, the place where something happens to Kelly that moves him to do something that starts a story.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Tony
Continued:
. . . house except him. He was a latch key kid. His parent left well before he awoke, and he was forced to find sustenance on his own, but that wasn’t a problem for him. There was plenty of food in the house. He checked the clock on the wall and it read 7:35 am. He pulled a frozen breakfast from the freezer and placed it in the microwave. As it turned round and round in the microwave, he wondered how many bullies he would encounter this morning. To pass the time as it cooked, he headed into the family room and switched on the television, tuning it to the Cartoon Network. He stared at the television with a blank expression, not really listening to what the cartoons were saying. It was like that every morning. The television was there to pass the time as the clock ticked away. The annoying beeps of the microwave pulled him back into the kitchen. The food smelled good and he took the hot tray into the family room and started eating, paying more attention to the food than the television. He stopped eating and looked up at the clock…7:48 am. He felt good as he finished his breakfast at stared at the television. He hoped there wouldn’t be too many bullies this morning, but he was a realist. They were all assholes, no matter how many there were. Dealing with the stress they caused every morning was tiresome, but a part of his life that he couldn’t rid of.
The time was 8:10 am, time to leave for school. He gathered his books and house key and left the house, checking the door to ensure it was locked. One would never know from his blank expression or his lazy gait that the first fifty feet from his front door was the most enjoyable leg of his journey to school. Once that door closed, his ears were met with varied songs from the birds searching for their morning meals, and the faint sounds of traffic echoing in the distance. He took in the beauty of his immediate neighborhood and the fresh smell in the air. His subdivision was occupied with cookie cutter houses, each with well-manicured lawns. In his mind, the houses, with their connected garages, appeared to be sleeping as they sat silently along both sides of the sunny street. The sounds of the morning were nice to listen to, but he regretted the fact that he couldn't wear earbuds to listen to some good music as he walked. He didn’t dare. He had to keep his eyes and ears open for the bullies.
He wasn’t far from home before he encountered his first bully. Walking along the left-hand side of the street, he slowed down when he heard the deep rumble of a garage door raising. In his mind, a garage door opening symbolized the house was yawning, and on school days, yawning houses produced the bullies. Seconds later, the bully appeared, backing out of the driveway, quickly looking in both directions, but not slowing down. The driver snarled at Kelly as they drove by, and Kelly was helpless to do or say anything. Kelly watched many of his neighbors back out of their driveways, not paying attention to anything behind them. They were too busy talking on their cellphones, fidgeting with their radios, and tending to their kids in the back. Serious incidents involving pedestrians being hit by cars in the morning and evening took place in his neighborhood, and he became paranoid each time he walked to and from school.
Luckily, his junior high school was not that far away. All he had to do was walk down his street, about an eighth of a mile, turn left at the corner, then walk another eighth of a mile to the next corner. His school would be across the street. The walk was short enough, but it was the bullies he encountered along the way that bothered him most. To make matters worse, most of the bullies were congregated right in front of the school, and no one did anything about them. He couldn’t understand why city planners built the school in a nice residential district to keep kids away from rush hour traffic on the main thoroughfares, but never gave any thought of the traffic created by the parents dropping off and picking up their kids at the school. The parents were single-minded, wanting to get their precious children to school safely and on time, and willing to do whatever was needed to achieve it, even if it meant endangering other kids. I HATE THOSE DAMN BULLIES!
He reached the corner and turned left, as usual. Other kids he didn’t know, but were familiar to him, were traipsing to school in the same direction, but across the street. He paid them very little attention. His mind and eyes were focused on the sleeping houses. Behind him, another house yawned. He turned and started walking backwards. A bully barreled out of the driveway, non-stop, and was well down the street before the garage door closed. He turned back around, hanging his head in disgust, but it didn’t remain down long. He picked it back up and started paying attention again.
He was coming upon the next intersection, and he saw his school on the right-hand side of the street. He saw the collection of bullies dropping off their kids, but his immediate concern was pulling up directly in front of him. Years of experience had taught him that morning traffic around the school regularly ignored any traffic controls. Looking to his left, another bully encounter was about to take place. He put his head down and cursed as he saw the car arrive at the intersection the same time he did. The crosswalk was laid out in front of him but before going forward, he looked in the bully's windshield to see if he would give him the right of way. The bully looked back with an annoyed expression, and Kelly spotted it. His pace would have to be brisk, but he already knew the bully would try to intimidate him.
As he started across the street, the bully immediately made his presence known. The car slowly inched forward until it was inside the lines of the crosswalk. Kelly walked as fast as he could, but he refused to run, after all, he had the right of way. After passing the front end of the car, he heard the engine rev and felt the wind on the back of his head and neck as the car took off even though he was still in the crosswalk. He always cursed beneath his breath whenever the bullies pulled those stunts, and many times he wished they would hit him so he could sue the hell out of them, but the downside to that strategy was that he just might get killed. This morning, he made it across the first street in one piece.
One last street to cross, and he was on school grounds. He nervously watched as more bullies disregarded the speed limits signs set around the crosswalks. They zipped through the intersection, some without even slowing down. Another car zoomed right in front him, barely slowing down. Coming in the opposite direction was a minivan with a woman driving. She was talking on the phone and turning around trying to reach for something behind her...the dreaded multi-tasker. He wanted to wait until she began to pay attention again, but the bell would be ringing in less than ten minutes. He took a chance and began crossing, watching her the whole time. Halfway across the street, he saw her turn back around to face the front with her cellphone still glued to her ear. She stepped on the accelerator and began making a left turn, totally oblivious that he was still in the crosswalk. The van screeched, jerking forward violently as she slammed on the brakes, scaring the hell out of Kelly as he jumped backwards after hearing the sound. This bully gave him the stink-eye, and he read her lips as she cussed at him. He became pissed off too and wanted to cuss her out but that was not in his nature. He would never really do it because he wasn't supposed to. He was a well-behaved kid, and unfortunately he knew it. He continued crossing, dogging the woman out until he stepped onto the sidewalk. Another close call.
It was a tough walk to school today, and his attitude reflected it. Now he just had to pass the school's driveway where the parents drop off their kids. For him, this was the bully congregation area. Vehicles pulled in the driveway, one after the other, without giving him the right of way. Those assholes! He could feel his blood pressure rising from their stubbornness. Finally, a man in a SUV waved Kelly across. Kelly looked directly into the man's eyes and saw that he was sincere. With that, Kelly nodded his head and proceeded forward. Finally, he caught a break. The school’s entrance was directly to his right, and he entered the building, prepping himself to deal with a completely different set of bullies.