Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Download a free PDF copy here.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
- It begins engaging the reader with the character
- Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
- The character desires something.
- The character does something.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- What happens raises a story question.
Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.
Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.
Kassandra sends the prologue and first chapter of Demon Princess . I suspect it’s YA. The author does not want the rest of the chapter posted.
Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.
I walk down the dim hallway leading to the throne room. The only sounds are the echoing of my footsteps and the rustling of my crimson gown as I stride toward my crowning ceremony.
This would be just a temporary arrangement, I tell myself. The first thing I’ll do upon taking the throne is to send every available demon to search the kingdom and its surrounding areas for my father and brother. They’re still alive, just missing. They can’t be dead, no matter what others are saying. They wouldn’t leave me to rule alone, to sit on the throne that dwarf me and swallow me with its size and coldness. I was never cut out to be the Demon King. Just the thought of invading human cities and expanding our kingdom gives me the headaches. They seem unnecessary and … labor intensive.
I can now hear the commotion of many people talking at the end of the hallway in the throne room. My heart drums louder the closer I come to it. A wave of nervousness hits me at the thought of facing all of my father’s subjects, most of whom don’t approve of a female king and will most likely challenge me on the spot. When I’m in front of the heavy double door leading to the throne room, I take a deep breath and run my hand to smooth out my silky dress. The gesture calms my uptight nerves and erases all apparent emotions off my face.
I enjoyed the voice and the interesting nature of the world. While the first page verged on a little too much set-up, it still worked to raise some good story questions. Too bad the author did not want the rest of the chapter posted, you might have found it interesting. Kassandra, there a a number of spelling and other writing errors that you need to deal with before sending this out--my notes below will give you some idea. I think it's possible that the opening is strong enough in terms of story to interest an agent or a reader, but the writing isn't ready for prime time and you'll lose people because of the mistakes. But the story sounds promising. Notes:
I walk down the dim hallway leading to the throne room. The only sounds are the echoing echo of my footsteps and the rustle rustling of my crimson gown as I stride toward my crowning ceremony.
This would be just a temporary arrangement, I tell myself. The first thing I’ll do upon taking the throne is to send every available demon to search the kingdom and its surrounding areas for my father and brother. They’re still alive, just missing. They can’t be dead, no matter what others are saying. They wouldn’t leave me to rule alone, to sit on the throne that dwarf dwarfs me and swallow swallows me with its size and coldness. I was never cut out to be the Demon King. Just the thought of invading human cities and expanding our kingdom gives me the headaches. They seem It seems unnecessary and … labor intensive.
I can now hear the commotion of many people talking at the end of the hallway in the throne room. My heart drums louder the closer I come to it. A wave of nervousness hits me at the thought of facing all of my father’s subjects, most of whom don’t approve of a female king and will most likely challenge me on the spot. When I’m in front of the heavy double door leading to the throne room, I take a deep breath and run my hand to smooth out my silky dress. The gesture calms my uptight nerves and erases all apparent emotions off my face. The line about people talking was written to say that the hallway was in the throne room, which doesn’t make much sense. The line about erasing emotions from her face is a break in point of view as she can’t see what happens to her face. I suggest you find another way to show us that or, actually, just cut it as it’s not all that necessary. Or maybe something like I put on a frown to cover the fear that I'm sure shows on my face.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Kassandra