Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Brent—would you pay to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Brent sends the prologue and first chapter of First Tuesday. The rest of the chapter follows the break.

Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.

Prologue

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Brent

Prologue

Call it a coup, call it a revolution, call it restoring the vision.

It began in a New York nanosecond. As with most upheavals, the trigger lay buried amid the minutiae of daily life, long before anyone noticed, long before such a minor alteration could bring forth major transformation.

Coup, revolution, restoration. The woman considered none of those labels as she probed the system, lurking behind firewalls and cutouts, studying her triple monitors, watching her handiwork slip into place.

“JC,” she whispered. An observer might have thought it an oath, a hushed plea, a prayer.

But the woman no more pondered Jesus than the coup, or the revolution, or the restoration that JC would trigger. A job begun, she thought, a job well done.

Chapter 1

“Hey, buddy! You.”

John Garner turned at the tap on his shoulder, stopping amid the hustle of Amsterdam Avenue. The man who’d accosted him was tall, a good four inches longer than John’s own 5’10” frame, with dirty blond hair that rested uneasily on the collar of his olive-drab pseudo-Army-surplus jacket. Or maybe the jacket was the real thing, though John was sure – almost sure – the Army had ditched olive-drab for desert camouflage fifteen years ago.

“Weren’t you just in that coffee shop?”

The man’s words sketched a question in form only – no upturned voice at the end, no doubt, more imperious accusation than query. Two sentences, and already the man reminded him of his second-year torts professor, a frustrated courtroom-wannabe who treated his students as hostile witnesses.

The man assumed the answer – correctly, as it happened – and kept speaking. “Did you pick up a piece of paper there?” Again, it sounded like “Where were you on the night you murdered your wife?”

John felt like shouting, “Objection!” Instead, he took a deep breath, refusing to let the man, a total stranger, spoil one of those unexpectedly warm fall afternoons that made even smart people believe winter would never beset New York. He decided that if the man were going to act (snip)

Clean writing and clear voice recommend this narrative to the reader, but how does it fare in the storytelling department? For me, the prologue was too much tease with vague references to things I don’t know and that aren’t revealed to me. What upheavals? What job? These are information questions, not story questions. So the prologue doesn’t get a page-turn from me.

The chapter opening comes closer. It does seem to have conflict, and there are story questions raised. The aggressive tone of “the man” helps to bring tension and raise questions. But . . .

But there’s so much writing here for what should be a simple and interesting confrontation. All of the time spent in the opening on the nature of the jacket the man is wearing—does that impact the story in any way? And there are descriptive notions such as his hair resting “uneasily” on a collar. What does that mean, exactly? The hair wouldn’t be feeling an emotion.

This is an action scene, essentially, with one person accosting another in an aggressive way. It isn’t the time for long-way-around writing, I believe, but time for pace and movement in what happens. Here’s an example from the next page:

So he took his turn in the role of mime, face a mask of incomprehension, arms bent ten degrees at the elbow, palms upturned halfway in the universal symbol for “Huh?”

That’s a clear signal to me that overwriting is in my future. So, despite the beginnings of a story question, I decided not to move on. Of course, because of the way this works, I did read further, and there may be an interesting story ahead and there was intense action—but, for me, the narrative continued to meander more than I was in the mood for. I think Brent should focus on distilling the story down to what’s happening and then add back in touches of nuance (not gobs) to give it his unique flavor.

Flogometer for Jacob—would you pay to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Jacob sends the first chapter of a YA story titledDeep Waters . The rest of the chapter follows the break.

Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.

Acting had always been my great escape. Life’s funny that way, isn’t it? That the place I felt most at home in was when I was pretending to be someone else.

That was before I met Ethan Brooks. Our first meeting was physical to say the least. And it certainly wasn’t an act.

It took place at Manly Beach, which was a ridiculous notion to contemplate in the first place. Anyone who knows me understands that I don’t mix with the ocean. I was dead petrified of sharks, so I’d never bothered to get swimming lessons as a kid. I guess it explained why my technique was known to resemble that of a small puppy’s.

Yet there I was, my supposed ‘best friend’ Karen dragging me out into the surf. I was wearing an outrageously skimpy bikini, one that my parents would never have approved of. It was a sun-drenched day in Manly, with hundreds of people bathing in the heat. They were crammed into every square meter of the shoreline, using towels and umbrellas to mark out their territory. Seagulls dashed along the winds like fighter jets, taking refuge on the broken teeth of rocky outcrops. Newborn swells danced upon the sea surface.

Further away from the water, overpriced coffee shops did a roaring trade as all sorts of people ambled in and out of the cafes that dotted the beachfront. Car spaces were near impossible to come by, with rangers dished out tickets to people who got inventive with (snip)

We have good, clear writing going for us and a likable voice, but then we have to consider what’s happening and story questions. What’s happening? A girl is going swimming on a beach. Story questions? None. Setup? Lots, including more description of the environment that I think we need.

This opening needs to start much later, IMO. The opening paragraphs refer to acting, yet none of the rest of the chapter has anything to do with her as an actress—so why is it here, leading off the story? As you read on, it would seem that this is a romance story, which is fine with me, I like romances. But, as far as this opening is concerned, it’s a “going swimming” story. I urge you to try to satisfy more of the checklist items to get us involved in the story, whatever it is.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Jacob

What do you get in an edit?

I don’t know what the product of other editors is, but I thought it might be of interest to you to see what one of my clients receives from me. The example screen captures are for different authors, both of them strong writers (one is also an editor). The samples below are typical of the annotated pages in the Word file I send of the edited manuscript.

Process:

I edit a manuscript in three passes.

1. On-screen, using Word’s Track Changes and Comment features, to give notes and coaching, and to make deletions and additions as I go. The primary objective is to learn the story and experience the characterization, but many typos and “opportunities” are noted along the way.
2. On paper. I print out a hard copy because the reading experience is so much different. I sometimes make as many notes on the hard copy as I did in the first on-screen look.
3. On-screen a third time after adding in all the notes and edits from the hard-copy edit. It sometimes amazes me at the many things I see in this third pass that I didn’t in the first two. I suspect the reason is that much of the stuff that got in the way of the narrative has been cleaned up and that lets the smaller, less apparent shortcomings show up.

Here’s an example of the edited first page of a client’s novel. You know how picky I am about first pages, so it should be no surprise that there are LOTS of notes (the mass of pink comment balloons to the right).

Below is a typical page deeper into a manuscript. There will be additions and deletions as well as a comment or two. My comments often deal with word choice or writing technique such as pointing out the use of a filter and a suggestion for avoiding it.

I also generate a several-page critique letter that digs into writing and storytelling issues in a novel manuscript, although the comments sprinkled throughout do that as well, but more specifically. Comments in a manuscript can run to fewer than 100 (the editor’s story) to 400 or 500, depending on the level of writing and story craft.

What's your experience? If you’ve had a professional edit, let me know what you received as a result.

Ray

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© 2015 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Dylan—would you pay to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Dylan sends the first chapter of Raise The Roof . The rest of the chapter follows the break.

Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.

“You didn’t even feed her dinner!” I accused Todd, bringing yet another fight about his lack of effort in our family to a culminating statement. “I have to be able to go out for the evening and trust that you can be here with her! You ignored her, she spent the evening in her room! She had a peanut butter and honey sandwich for dinner because you couldn’t, what...be BOTHERED? How about reaching out and talking to her? But for godsakes, at least fix her dinner!”

“You coddle her too much.” He said quietly, his eyes daring me to argue.

“Don’t make this about me. She has the right to expect --”

“She was being rude to me.”

“I don’t think that’s a legit--”

“She seemed fine and I was --”

“Please stop interrupting me.”

“--busy trying to manage a --”

“Please. Let me speak!”

“--that YOU caused, and since you can’t be bothered to do any work --”

“THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME. Will you LISTEN?”

He kept talking so I raised my hand up threatening to hit him, to get his attention so he would stop talking and let me finish telling him what I expected from him with regards to my (snip)

Well, this opening page certainly starts with conflict. And, in a sense, the machine-gun dialogue does capture a nasty, yelling argument. Yet . . . what does this opening raise in story questions? Who’s right? Do I care? Somebody didn’t fix dinner for a child, but the child is apparently okay, having had a sandwich. If, instead, the maltreatment had created a problem for the child, then I'd be motivated to be more involved.

Give more thought to how you're delivering what is happening. This is an action scene, yet I felt that the opening paragraph leaned too much toward the “telling” side of things and used complicated wording. I could have also used just a tiny bit of scene-setting. Where are they? When are they? Notes:

“You didn’t even feed her dinner!” I accused Todd, bringing yet another fight about his lack of effort in our family to a culminating statement. “I have to be able to go out for the evening and trust that you can be here with her! You ignored her, she spent the evening in her room! She had a peanut butter and honey sandwich for dinner because you couldn’t, what...be BOTHERED? How about reaching out and talking to her? But for godsakes, at least fix her dinner!” The “accused” isn’t needed to explain the dialogue, it’s clear that what she says is an accusation. Better to show yelling or something such as that. The long part about a culminating statement didn’t seem like a natural thought for someone in the middle of a raging argument, it’s more of a summary and setup. Also, I got the point pretty quickly and the accusations began to feel redundant.

“You coddle her too much.” He said quietly, his eyes daring me to argue.

“Don’t make this about me. She has the right to expect --”

“She was being rude to me.”

“I don’t think that’s a legit--”

“She seemed fine and I was --”

“Please stop interrupting me.”

“--busy trying to manage a --”

“Please. Let me speak!”

“--that YOU caused, and since you can’t be bothered to do any work --” For me, there’s really no need to keep going with the point/counter-point, I get it. So why not cut it short and get going on story?

“THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME. Will you LISTEN?”

He kept talking so I raised my hand up threatening to hit him, to get his attention so he would stop talking and let me finish telling him what I expected from him with regards to my (snip) The narrative has a tendency to overexplain. This is a fight. When in action mode, you get more energy and movement when you keep the sentences short and active.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Dylan

Flogometer for Devin—would you pay to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Devin sends the first chapter of Bugsy’s Moll. The rest of the chapter follows the break.

Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.

It was late-afternoon, the San Carlo Italian Village was empty, and I was standing at the hostess stand scraping dried tomato sauce off my apron with a butter knife, when the woman entered. She looked like the sun in a yellow linen, wide-shouldered bolero jacket, her blond hair frizzing around her head like a corona of light, her gold loop earrings thrashing every time she moved like flares of fire surging from the star’s core, and her energy likely to blind a person idiot enough to stare too long.

Sitting at the first table she came across, she eyed me doubtfully as I approached, pad in hand, ready for her order. “Riesling and the linguini with clam sauce,” she belted at me.

“I am sorry, mam, but The Noble Experiment is still bein’ experimented with here at the San Carlo,” I apologized. It was August, 1933. Prohibition was being rowed down the River Styx, though the boat hadn’t quite yet arrived at the gates of the underworld. Booze was only served to regulars at the restaurant.

The woman clamped her lips together, an expression she presumably wore often evidenced by the miniscule wrinkles around her mouth, pink capillaries of leaking lipstick. “Young girl, you must not recognize me. I will forgive you this time because we have never met and your naïveté is mildly endearing in a world of thick-skinned, disenchanted birds. Though let it be a lesson, never betray a shallow level of experience. Men smell blood and the menstrual (snip)

I ended up being ambivalent about this opening, largely because it feels overwritten and overly lush with description and similes. That suggests the style will continue, and I’d rather have story questions raised. This is mostly setup and not provocative, especially as far as the protagonist is concerned. All that’s happening is that a striking, aggressive woman orders alcohol in a restaurant during prohibition. There’s no question raised as far as the protagonist is concerned. It turns out that the woman is apparently there to recruit the protagonist into prostitution and to invite her to a sex party. Those things raise good questions—but I would never have gotten to them. Set up quickly, start in on the story asap is my counsel. I do see potential in this story and world. Notes:

It was late-afternoon, the San Carlo Italian Village was empty, and I was standing at the hostess stand scraping dried tomato sauce off my apron with a butter knife, when the woman entered. She looked like the sun in a yellow linen, wide-shouldered bolero jacket, her blond hair frizzing around her head like a corona of light, her gold loop earrings thrashing every time she moved like flares of fire surging from the star’s core, and her energy likely to blind a person idiot enough to stare too long. Unfortunate echo of “standing” and “stand.” Hostess “station” would fix that. For this reader, the description of the woman became over the top with piled-on similes and, for me, overwriting. Let her personality and behavior define her. It was clear from the part I left in that she was striking.

Sitting at the first table she came across, she eyed me doubtfully as I approached, pad in hand, ready for her order. “Riesling and the linguini with clam sauce,” she belted at me. Weak use of adverb-as-description. How does one eye someone “doubtfully?” I don’t see anything with this “description.” I’d cut the adverb, it isn’t needed.

“I am sorry, mam, but The Noble Experiment is still bein’ experimented with here at the San Carlo,” I apologized. It was August, 1933. Prohibition was being rowed down the River Styx, though the boat hadn’t quite yet arrived at the gates of the underworld. Booze was only served to regulars at the restaurant. Unless the actual month and year are important, this is not needed. The fact that it’s Prohibition is all we need to understand what’s going on.

The woman clamped her lips together, an expression she presumably wore often evidenced by the miniscule wrinkles around her mouth, pink capillaries of leaking lipstick. “Young girl, you must not recognize me. I will forgive you this time because we have never met and your naïveté is mildly endearing in a world of thick-skinned, disenchanted birds. Though let it be a lesson, never betray a shallow level of experience. Men smell blood and the menstrual (snip) For me, although I found “pink capillaries of leaking lipstick” a striking visual description, there was just too much of it. Tighten it up if you want to suggest that the woman is middle-aged, which is when it seems to me that those little wrinkles begin to show up. I think her lips clamping together with, perhaps, some description of what her eyes/expression is, would be all that’s needed to move the story forward.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Devin

Create distance for better self-editing

As a reader of Flogging the Quill, I suspect that it’s often easy for you to spot shortcomings in the submissions. But if you’re like most of us, it’s far more difficult to see your own shortcomings with any clarity, if at all.

To self-edit with any success, try to create distance from your work to somehow separate your reading from your intimate knowledge of your vision so that the words alone do the work. With distance, it falls on the writing to evoke scenes no longer fresh in your mind. Not so amazingly, distance reveals holes in the pictures. And flat writing becomes visible for the first time, those lazy word choices or adverbs that got you through the task of getting the story down but don’t do diddly-squat to create the reader experience you need to provoke.

Once done with a draft, try not to go back for at least a month, though six weeks is better. However, unless I have other projects interesting enough to distract me, I find that very difficult to do. A few days go by and then, like a constant itch that needs scratching, I open the file and start picking. Compulsive, I know, but I don’t see how anyone could write an entire novel without a healthy dose of compulsive behavior to keep giving the wheel a turn when you have a tough day.

So I needed to find other ways to get around the fact that I refused to allow my book adequate time to chill. Here are some that might work for you.

You could do as George Carlin once talked of doing in the last stages of polishing his material—smoke a little pot—at least that’s now legal in three states. Failing that, what?

If you’ve been working exclusively onscreen, create a printout and go through a hard copy. That’s a must at some time anyway, and it can gain you a little psychological distance.

Read it aloud to yourself. For me, this reveals clumsy structure; unwanted repetitions and echoes; missing information; too much information; or other flaws. I don’t do this often enough, probably because I simply forget to.

Another technique that works for me is to reformat the narrative to look more like that in a book. Here are ideas for doing that using Microsoft Word (but you can do it with other programs).

1. Change the font

If you’re using Courier, it’ll never look like a book. Times New Roman is closer in appearance to a book’s text, but it’s a narrow newspaper font seldom used in a book. And it would be better to eye a different font anyway.

To change the font, type Ctrl+a (or Apple+a with a Mac). This should select all the text. Then go to the font window in your toolbar and change it to one of the book-style fonts: Garamond or Palatino or Georgia, if you have them. If you don’t, Times New Roman will do. Font size: 12.

Author M.J. Rose, The Halo Effect, told me that she sometimes prints her manuscript out in a different font and then takes it somewhere else to read—2 or 3 hours a day at a library, or on a train from Connecticut to Boston and back all in one day. I like that idea—your words have to overcome unaccustomed distractions. And a different environment can make you see things in different ways.

2. Make the text look even more book-like

While you’ve still got everything selected (or do Ctrl+a again to select all), change the spacing to be more book-like as well, neither double nor single spacing. Click Format>Paragraph. In the Line Spacing box, use the drop-down menu to select Multiple. Then, in the “At:” box next to it, type 1.1 or 1.2 and click OK. Adjust to taste. Another way to do it is use point size. Choose “Exactly” and enter in a larger point size. For 12-point type, 15 will give you a more open, book-like feel than single spacing. But you’re not done yet.

Change the margins to create a bookish column of text on the page with about 10-15 words in a line. The margins I’ve found helpful are: top, 1”; bottom, 1”; left and right, 1.7”. This will give you a very different look.

3. Make it look like a book

It’s fun to really go all the way and see how it would look book-style by doing this:

1. Change the page size. Click File>Page setup and go to the Paper size tab. Change the paper size to Custom and type in 5.5” for width and 8.5” for height. Or 6” by 9”.

2. Now change the margins: top, .66”; bottom, left, and right to .6”.

3. Change the font and spacing as noted above. Might try a smaller font size, 11.5 or 11, depending on the font.

4. Justify the margins. Select all the text (Ctrl+a). Click Format>Paragraph. On the Indents and Spacing tab, go to the Alignment box, click the arrow to show the menu, and choose Justified. Then click OK.

I’ve noticed that my book design clients see all kinds of things to “fix” when they see the narrative formatted as a book, and these are manuscripts that are supposed to have been copyedited. In fact, this happens so often that I’m going to have to institute a little extra charge for these “extraneous” changes. Oh, I totally understand the urge to do so, but a finished manuscript really ought to be a finished manuscript.

Like those authors, I think you’ll find that your reformatted narrative reads differently, either onscreen or in a printout. I’ve even printed out a book on 5.5” by 8.5” paper, using both sides of the paper and formatting just like a book (headers, page numbers, justified margins, font, spacing, etc.), and had it tape-bound at a print ship, which yielded something very much like a perfect-bound trade paperback. Now, that’s fun to hold in your hands—your book as a real book! It’s educational, too.

You can still edit and revise your different-looking book and then just reverse the formatting to get it to a standard submission format (1” margins all around, double spacing, letter-size paper, 12-point serif font—I recommend Times New Roman).

What about you? Do you have any other methods you use to create psychological distance from your work? Please share in comments.

Ray

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© 2015 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Tony—would you pay to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Tony sends the first chapter of Kelly’s Curse . The rest of the chapter follows.

Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.

REALITY. A small word with a limitless number of interpretations, but for fourteen year old Kelly Chamberlain, his particular interpretation went hand-in-hand with his imagination. Kelly was an average kid, as average kids go. Just barely pushing five feet tall, he had a slight build, more on the skinny side. He felt his feet were much too large for his body, and the same went for his head. Being so slim, his clothes hung off him awkwardly and gave him a baggy appearance. He reached the age of puberty and all the good and bad that goes with it, and the worst were his pimples. Nodules of oil scattered across his forehead and cheeks. Looking in the mirror at his reflection was like looking at an alien. He disapproved of what he saw, but realized he couldn’t do anything about it.

It was another school day, and upon wakening, he began his normal routine of washing his face, brushing his teeth, applying pimple cream, and combing his nappy hair. His short afro was one aspect of his looks he appreciated, and he tried to take care of it as best he could. He didn’t concern himself with what he wore each day. The first pair of pants he saw and the first shirt would be his wardrobe. Others at school dressed like they were going to a job interview, but not Kelly. He wasn’t trying to impress anyone…not with all those pimples. He preferred staying low key, getting to his classes with the least amount of harassment, and coming home.

He left his bedroom and went straight to the kitchen. No one was there. No one was in the (snip)

As I read this opening page I was reminded of what I keep harping about—something is happening in a scene, and what is happening MAKES me want to know what happens next. While the writing is clear here, what happens? A boy gets ready to go to school. I don’t see a story question, nor do I have any idea of what this story is about. I think Tony has succumbed to the very natural writer’s feeling that we need to know a lot about a character so we can understand what he does when things do happen. That leads to a lot of setup exposition like this page.

I disagree. Put the character into a scene with action that causes some kind of problem for him that forces him to take action. The only action here is grooming. The rest of the chapter is having breakfast and walking to school. On the walk, nothing seriously troublesome happens to Kelly. I think the story needs to start much closer to the inciting incident, the place where something happens to Kelly that moves him to do something that starts a story.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Tony

Flogometer for Kailin—would you pay to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Kailin sends the prologue and first chapter of The Convergence . I suspect it’s YA. The author does not want the rest of the chapter posted.

Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.

Prologue

Jonathan stands before me, arms outstretched to protect. Blood flows steadily from the cut that marks his eye, scarring his handsome features. Rage burns off his frame, as do thin wisps of fear. Yet I know the fear is not for himself, just as my own fear is not for my life.

"We have a deal, Jonathan Cordova?"

Jonathan exhales lowly. "You won't hurt her?"

My heart pounds desperately in my chest, like it is dying to break free. I grasp his hand, kissing his fingers. "Don't do this, Jon," I whisper, my voice cracking. "Don't."

Jonathan glances at me. I love you, he mouths. Sucking in a sharp breath, he squeezes my hand lightly, then lets go. I fist my hands around air. No. Gritting my teeth, I watch him take a step forward, then another. Further and further away from me, and from life. He is walking to his death.

Desperation comes in torrential waves. I can't save him.

The man in the suit snaps his fingers, and instantly, the guards that flanks him grabs Jonathan roughly, pulling him to the side. He snarls, a feral sound. "What are you doing?"

The man meets Jonathan's question with a shallow smile and the click of the pistol in his hand. Breath hardly there anymore, I watch silently as he points the gun at my heart.

Chapter One

The concept of the Convergence is simple: all it does is to merge two souls into one body.

Sitting alone on a chair in the middle of the room, I wait for it to happen to me. My feet chafe against the obsidian floor, a reflection of the ceiling and equally dark walls. The only lights are the pulsing white lines that mark where each black tile ends and the next begins. 

My heart is pounding, but it is not fear that rushes through my veins. Excitement pours through my blood—I will be the perfect soldier after the Convergence: fast, fearless, and immortal. And I like it.

More importantly, I would finally be able to fight those half-man, half machine Cinders. They killed my brother, after all. I suppose I deserve some revenge.

A hollow ding resonates through the room, and my head snaps up.

“Good morning, Miss Harper,” a bodiless voice says coolly, “please proceed to the next room.”

In a heartbeat, I am off the chair. I wrench open the door that I have been staring at, and am immediately blinded by the whiteness beyond the threshold. Annoyed, I stop, waiting for my eyes to adjust.

The prologue is a strong start with an excellent “what happens next” story question to get the page turned—but there were clarity issues and, for me, a touch of overwriting. The first line of dialogue needs attribution—it seems to come from the narrator who opens the story, but it’s not, it’s the guy with a gun. Very confusing. For me, there are too many adverbs modifying verbs. Try cutting them and/or replacing the combinations with stronger verbs. For example, “flows steadily” doesn’t need the “steadily,” we get the picture.

The chapter opening also raises good story questions, but it could be trimmed, too. There really isn’t any need for the sentence about the white lines that mark the tiles in the floor. Keep the story moving. Good work, but there will be a need for some editing down the line.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Kailin

Which book format do you like to read?

I recently asked my newsletter readers to beta-read a novel (and, thanks to a quick response from one of them, have suspended the reading until I do some serious rewriting) and asked for their preferred ebook format.

Kindle and PDF were the choices, 9 and 4 respectively. Not an epub insight.

So I thought I’d survey you folks and see what your preference is on this front, so three polls. Please vote and, if you like, add why in comments.

 

 

 

Ray

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© 2015 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Kassandra—would you pay to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Kassandra sends the prologue and first chapter of Demon Princess . I suspect it’s YA. The author does not want the rest of the chapter posted.

Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.

I walk down the dim hallway leading to the throne room. The only sounds are the echoing of my footsteps and the rustling of my crimson gown as I stride toward my crowning ceremony.

This would be just a temporary arrangement, I tell myself. The first thing I’ll do upon taking the throne is to send every available demon to search the kingdom and its surrounding areas for my father and brother. They’re still alive, just missing. They can’t be dead, no matter what others are saying. They wouldn’t leave me to rule alone, to sit on the throne that dwarf me and swallow me with its size and coldness. I was never cut out to be the Demon King. Just the thought of invading human cities and expanding our kingdom gives me the headaches. They seem unnecessary and … labor intensive.

I can now hear the commotion of many people talking at the end of the hallway in the throne room. My heart drums louder the closer I come to it. A wave of nervousness hits me at the thought of facing all of my father’s subjects, most of whom don’t approve of a female king and will most likely challenge me on the spot. When I’m in front of the heavy double door leading to the throne room, I take a deep breath and run my hand to smooth out my silky dress. The gesture calms my uptight nerves and erases all apparent emotions off my face.

I enjoyed the voice and the interesting nature of the world. While the first page verged on a little too much set-up, it still worked to raise some good story questions. Too bad the author did not want the rest of the chapter posted, you might have found it interesting. Kassandra, there a a number of spelling and other writing errors that you need to deal with before sending this out--my notes below will give you some idea.  I think it's possible that the opening is strong enough in terms of story to interest an agent or a reader, but the writing isn't ready for prime time and you'll lose people because of the mistakes. But the story sounds promising. Notes:

I walk down the dim hallway leading to the throne room. The only sounds are the echoing echo of my footsteps and the rustle rustling of my crimson gown as I stride toward my crowning ceremony.

This would be just a temporary arrangement, I tell myself. The first thing I’ll do upon taking the throne is to send every available demon to search the kingdom and its surrounding areas for my father and brother. They’re still alive, just missing. They can’t be dead, no matter what others are saying. They wouldn’t leave me to rule alone, to sit on the throne that dwarf dwarfs me and swallow swallows me with its size and coldness. I was never cut out to be the Demon King. Just the thought of invading human cities and expanding our kingdom gives me the headaches. They seem It seems unnecessary and … labor intensive.

I can now hear the commotion of many people talking at the end of the hallway in the throne room. My heart drums louder the closer I come to it. A wave of nervousness hits me at the thought of facing all of my father’s subjects, most of whom don’t approve of a female king and will most likely challenge me on the spot. When I’m in front of the heavy double door leading to the throne room, I take a deep breath and run my hand to smooth out my silky dress. The gesture calms my uptight nerves and erases all apparent emotions off my face. The line about people talking was written to say that the hallway was in the throne room, which doesn’t make much sense. The line about erasing emotions from her face is a break in point of view as she can’t see what happens to her face. I suggest you find another way to show us that or, actually, just cut it as it’s not all that necessary. Or maybe something like I put on a frown to cover the fear that I'm sure shows on my face.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Kassandra