Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Roz—would you pay to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the protagonist
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The protagonist desires something.
• The protagonist does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Roz sends a prologue and a revised first chapter for The Devil's Dice. The first submission is here. The remainder of the chapter follows the break.

An agent told her she should start with the crime so she added a prologue, but wonders if it’s the right thing to do. Give her your thoughts on this issue.

Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.

Prologue:

He clambered into the cave on shaking legs, sucked in a lungful of stale air and stared wide-eyed into the blackness. When the dark mellowed, he shuffled inside and sank onto the seat that a long dead troglodyte had hewn into the cave wall. The familiar coldness seeped through his trousers and into his flesh. The discomfort pleased him.

He pictured bats hanging above, their tiny feet grasping at the rock, furry bodies tucked into cavities. He fished out his torch and stood it upright, so the light beamed up and bounced back onto the glistening floor.

The solitude was soothing. No judgemental glances from colleagues. No clients clamouring for his attention like swarms of angry insects. No wife shooting arrows of disappointment his way.

He placed the book by his side. Eased the cake from his pocket, pulled open the crinkly plastic wrapper and took the soft weight in his hand. Hesitated a moment; brought it to his lips, bit firmly and chewed fast. Then another two bites. An odd, almond taste.

The air went thick. His throat tightened. He leant back against the cave wall and gasped. Clamped his eyes shut. An image of his long-dead mother slid into his head. Slumped in her wheelchair, head lolling to one side. And an earlier one – way back when his memories flitted like fish in shining water – smiling down at him and walking on her legs.

He rose. Stumbled to the back of the cave, grasped at the ferns on the wall, fell against them.

Chapter 1

I trudged through the woods. The mud sucked at my feet with an intensity that felt personal, and the trees tapped in the breeze like impatient fingers. It made me think murder, even though I knew it would be natural causes. We didn't get murders, not in B Division. A hiker with a dicky heart, most likely. And even if it was a suicide, I'd be fine. I was over all that. I could act like a proper detective and not freak out just because some poor sod was dangling from a branch. Mission Reinvent Self in Derbyshire was on track.

Despite the Autumn drizzle, I felt sweat prickling under my armpits. I needed to rethink my fitness regime, which mainly consisted of reading articles in New Scientist about the benefits of exercise. It wasn't cutting it in my chubby mid-thirties.

Finally, through the trees I saw the face of a cliff, tinted salmon-pink by the evening sun. A clearing at ground level was surrounded by rocks and stunted saplings, twisting up towards the light. A uniformed inspector stood more solidly than the trees, legs apart, hands on hips.

I walked over. "DI Meg Dalton. You've got a body?"

He smiled through a beard. "Inspector Ben Pearson," he said. "Yeah, a walker."

"Is it iffy at all?"

"Probably not. Outdoor clothes. Boots. Heart attack, I guess, although he's a bit young . . ."

I scanned the area. There was no-one who was obviously dead.

As before, I really like Roz’s writing and her voice, especially when in the first person with her protagonist. For me, the prologue didn’t compel. The character is anonymous, and he seems a little creepy. Not caring much about him, I don’t think I’d have read on. In the end, I didn’t feel the prologue contributed much to creating tension in me. So much referenced other things without giving enough to understand.

The first chapter is nicely done, but didn’t create a lot of tension and story questions for me. I looked back at the first submission where I’d voted for a page turn. The difference is that in the first version it was clear that the protagonist had fears of failure that connected me to her. It has to do with the notion of engaging with the protagonist as noted in the checklist.

In this one, I think the same fears are there in the opening paragraph, but the clues were (for me) too subtle. Without that connection with the character, the only story question is whether or not there was a murder, and the pros on the scene seem to think not. Sure, that signals that a reversal is coming, but I didn’t care a lot. Strengthen my connection with Meg and you’ll keep me involved. An “Almost” this time.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Roz

 

A good story about a really bad sentence

For a smile or two on how a writer can go wrong, check out this story, “Alana Atwood and the Awful, Very Bad, No Good Sentence” by Roz Warren. It features a sentence from a piece submitted to a literary magazine. The comment responses readers made to it are very funny, and the editor took it to Facebook. Here’s the sentence:

"Suselah! How's my girl?" he would inevitably retort as he hoisted me into his sinewy arms, the waft of a cigar sweet as grass on his lips."

Yes, apparently the writer was actually serious about that bit of, er, narrative.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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© 2015 Ray Rhamey

Still room

This is a belated announcement, but what the heck? I'm teaching a workshop in Wenatchee, WA tomorrow, Saturday, at 9:00. There is room.

Check it out at http://writeontheriver.org/

Ray

Flogometer for Abe—would you pay to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Abe sends the first chapter of Morgaine. The remainder of the chapter follows the break.

Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.

She twirled around, back straight, head tilted up to the autumn sun, arms stretched as far out as they would go. Once. Twice. The third time, she made sure to stay on the very tips of her toes, her fondest wish firmly planted in mind.

This was not the time to think of cakes and ice cream.

A shrill cry broke the relative silence of the forest clearing. “Morgaine!"

Startled, Morgaine lost her balance and fell on a clump of mushrooms. She rose to her feet, made a modicum of effort at brushing away the dirt that clung to her skirt, then frowned in dismay at the sight of squashed fungi.

There goes another fairy ring. That one was almost a perfect circle too. Now I'll have to find another one.

"Morgaine! Where are you, my little duckling?"

Nurse.

Morgaine sighed, lolling her head back. She silently cursed over-protective nurses and over-protective fathers who persist in hiring over-protective nurses. No matter how many said nurses she sent away crying or screaming.

Preferably both.

It's not like she's a baby anymore. She's twelve years old, for heaven's sake, well past the (snip)

Delightful voice and just-fine writing promise a skillful telling of the tale ahead . . . but, for this reader, as inviting as they were, there were no compelling story questions raised.

However, later in the chapter there was narrative that I would consider opening with instead. It follows. See what you think and give it a vote. Does it make you want to know what happens next?

Morgaine stared at the upholstered underside of her canopied bed. Teeth, cleaned. Chestnut curls, brushed until they glowed. Comfy cotton jammies, on. Covers, tucked tight. Cheeks, good night-kissed and bedside candle, blown out.

By Nurse.

Daddy was busy. He had to attend a meeting.

Morgaine heaved a sigh and turned over to her side. Squeezing her eyes shut, she resolved to find another fairy ring in the morning and try again.

She was in the twilight realm between wakefulness and dreams when she heard them.

A light, sweet voice, one that made her think of soap bubbles twinkling in the summer breeze, said “Is that her?”

A deeper voice, one that made her think of a plough horse hopelessly mired in muck, responded. “Yes. She made the wish.”

The spell worked!

Morgaine kept her eyes closed, her breathing regular, and relaxed every muscle on her torso. She did not want to scare them, whoever they were. Not if they could take her to see Mother. She sensed rather than heard the two entities circle her bed, coming closer.

They must be very close.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Abe

Flogometer for Adan—would you pay to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Adan sends the first 2 chapters of Queen. Since the first is so brief that it’s basically a first page, we’ll look at both. The remainder of the chapter follows the break.

Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.

His dealer dodged into an alley, tried to silence his breath, but couldn't.

Breathless, desperate for air, he wheezed almost choking.

He put a hand to his throat, and felt it again.

Blood.

Stilo smiled from the shadows where he'd enjoyed seeing the man struggle.

Glanced at his knife, his stiletto, no more than a line of red on its edge.

Press, not slice. So much cleaner. So much slower.

Stilo stole into the space between the man and the only exit.

No traffic on the street beyond the alley.

The night was for sleeping.

Or dying.

As the man set his hand down from his throat, finally catching his breath, Stilo slipped behind him, watched him turn his head, his eyes widening, catching the glint of the blade rising.

With a nudge on the man's back, Stilo pushed him into the blade.

When you're boss, some lessons are only by example.

Chapter 2

I repeated my new daily intention: conscious creative happiness.

It was good yoga, I told myself.

I felt my lips stretch and spread into a tiny smile. Such mindfulness, I teased myself. And so much easier sitting on my bed. Carefully, I re-crossed and settled my legs and feet closer to my hips. But my smile, soft as warm balm along my lips, slipped away. Like passing by broken marquee letters outside a dim motel at night, the memory of a morning news alert flickered across my mind – more overdoses.

I inhaled deeply, letting the news drift to a mental corner to wait its turn.

Drug overdoses.

Conscious creative happiness.

How the hell would those two fit together?

I choke-laughed to myself, nearly waking Mike beside me.

He peeked at me with one eye from his dreamland, snorted, then fell back to sleep.

He reminded me of a favorite cartoon. One huge inquisitive eye blinking in a pink periscope suddenly surfacing from silvery flat water. Looking right and left. Then disappearing, leaving only ripples.

I smiled, breathing deeply, and wondered.

If I wasn't so vested in little people's lives, would I have thought animation, not cartoon?

No issues with the writing and voice here, and I was glad to see the clear difference in voice between the first chapter and the second. The first chapter did generate a page-turn for me. There’s the promise of an interesting crime novel there.

But the first page of the second chapter? For this reader, the tension level fell to nothing much. There’s no clear connection between the grim first chapter and this pleasant little scene, and we have no idea if the protagonist in chapter 2 has anything to do with Stilo’s murderousness. Lacking that, what we have here is a person, presumably a woman, doing yoga on her bed next to her sleeping boyfriend. While this is an immediate scene, there’s nothing happening that makes me wonder what will happen next. The woman has no problems, no issues, just warm fuzzies.

I felt that the rest of the chapter was pretty much set-up as well, with nothing much happening. There are a couple of very interesting tidbits from the past—her boyfriend kills someone who kidnaps her and some children, and she helps—but that was then, and there’s not a lot to now. Chapter 2 needs to start the story, and it doesn’t for me.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Adan

 

Have you done “content marketing?”

Came across an article titled “4 Ways to Market Yourself as an Author and Writer.” We’re all pretty interested in that, right? The tips that M. Shannon Hernandez talks about using are:

1. Blog Content
2. Video Content
3. Branded Images
4. Podcasting

Shannon tells us that these are effective ways to build a bigger author platform. I’m sure going to give it some thought.

For what it’s worth,

Ray

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© 2015 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Russell—would you pay to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Russell returns with a revised first chapter of Take a Lemon. The first submission is here. The remainder of the chapter follows the break.

Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.

“Thank you,” I forced myself to say to the conductor, as he set my suitcase on the ground next to the tracks. I shook my head, cursing my stupid weak arm muscles. Why the Hell had Marsha taken such a heavy suitcase home?

Then I caught myself. Marsha didn’t say “Hell.” Tina had been most insistent on that point. I had to be Marsha, even in my thoughts, as much as possible. I took a breath and tried again. Why in the world had she taken such a heavy suitcase home? At least the stupid thing had wheels.

Her… my… dorm, Laramie Hall, was up-campus somewhere. I was pretty sure I’d walked there after a party with someone once or twice, but never from this direction. I used my left hand to shade my eyes against the setting sun. As the wind blew the leaves at the top of the trees, I could see the crenellations that marked the top of Farnes Tower in the distance. I closed my eyes and tried to remember the campus map, and exactly where Laramie was, relative to Farnes. Was it three or four buildings further up? And maybe a bit more to the left?  I probably should have asked one of the students who’d come in on the shuttle with me. I had maybe half a mile to lug this thing. If Marsha could do it, so could I.

Of course, she’d had practice. Dragging this monstrosity was a new experience. It keep twisting in my hand since the paths weren’t straight, and they weren’t always level, and (snip)

Good clean writing and a good voice, but I think this opening is missing the bet. As it reads, it appears to be a young woman in the process of arriving at a campus as she poses as another young woman whose name is Marsha. The story question seems to be why is she posing as Marsha. For me, not totally compelling. There’s no implied trouble ahead, and I don’t know this person well enough to care a whole lot. Much of the page is devoted to campus layout, not character or story. As you’ll see, I’ll be deleting that.

More than that, though, Russell has held back the real reason to read this story, and what the story is actually about, until the very last sentence of the chapter. SPOILER ALERT: This character is, it appears, a young man in a young woman’s body. We don’t know why, but that, at least, is a good story question. The ending of the chapter suggests that there’s a danger of the deceit being discovered, but no actual consequences. In essence, this first chapter is set-up.

If it were me, I’d look for a way to clue the reader in as to the true nature of the character up front so I could be intrigued by the why of it and wonder what will happen to him/her. Notes:

“Thank you,” I forced myself to say to the conductor, as he set my suitcase on the ground next to the tracks. I shook my head, cursing my stupid weak arm muscles. Why the Hell had Marsha taken such a heavy suitcase home?

Then I caught myself. Marsha didn’t say “Hell.” Tina had been most insistent on that point. I had to be Marsha, even in my thoughts, as much as possible. I took a breath and tried again. Why in the world had she taken such a heavy suitcase home? At least the stupid thing had wheels. If I were Russell I’d look for a way to introduce the primary conceit somewhere in here. For example, after the sentence about having to be Marsha, maybe something: It was turning out a lot harder to not be a guy named Marshall than I’d thought. By the way, I think having such similar names (Marsha/Marshall) could be confusing for the reader.

Her… my… dorm, Laramie Hall, was up-campus somewhere. I was pretty sure I’d walked there after a party with someone once or twice, but never from this direction. I used my left hand to shade my eyes against the setting sun. As the wind blew the leaves at the top of the trees, I could see the crenellations that marked the top of Farnes Tower in the distance. I closed my eyes and tried to remember the campus map, and exactly where Laramie was, relative to Farnes. Was it three or four buildings further up? And maybe a bit more to the left?  I probably should have asked one of the students who’d come in on the shuttle with me. I had maybe half a mile to lug this thing. If Marsha could do it, so could I. Continuity issue here: it seems like the first paragraph takes place at a train station, but this third paragraph seems to be taking place on the campus. You need a transition. Or, perhaps, leave out the conductor part and go directly to struggling with a huge suitcase on the campus.

Of course, she’d had practice. Dragging this monstrosity was a new experience. It keep twisting in my hand since the paths weren’t straight, and they weren’t always level, and (snip) I could do less with the suitcase struggles, too. I get it. No need for me to carry on so much about it as the paragraph continues. I think your delete key could use some exercise.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Russell

 

Flogometer for Vicki—would you pay to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

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Vicki sends the first chapter of Love Isn't Just for the Living. The remainder is after the break.

Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.

Gaby never expected to be gutted in the dog food section of the Stine Village Grocery Mart. The betrayal hit her just as if her sister-in-law, Deena, had slid a real knife into her heart.

Standing at the end of the aisle, she could hear Deena loudly boasting in the detergent section the next aisle over. “If Gaby knew I'd set up my brother with my husband's cousin, she'd fall apart like wet bread. All the times I'd asked him to come over so I could spend some time with him, I had Stefanie come over too. And Gaby never guessed the real reason why I always asked her what her work schedule was each week. It wasn't an accident that I called Josh to go antiquing with me and Stef only on the days she had to work.

“She never even suspected a thing when Josh suggested she fly up to Montana for a whole week to celebrate Christmas with her folks. Ya know, there's trusting and then there's clueless. Josh spent the whole week with Stefanie. I think he's in love with her.”

Then Gaby heard Karlie, Deena's neighbor and best friend, insert her deep southern Georgia accent into the conversation. “But ah've heard Josh say many a time how much he loves Gaby. Are you sure he's all that into Stefanie and it's not just a fling? Even men who are in love sometimes want something different for dessert, but they never give up their favorite pot roast, if you know what ah mean.”

Deena gave an evil laugh. “Pot roast . . . that's a perfect description of Gaby.”

There are good things about this opening page—the voice is likeable, and the writing clear. The opening line about being “gutted” is a good attention-getter, and I was interested. The story questions raised were almost enough to get me to turn the page. The reason I stopped was a clarity issue in the info dump posing as dialogue  (which is not a strong technique, anyway). A note to Vicki—later in the chapter you “head hop” from her point of view to Frank’s. Not a good practice. You can change point of view, but give the reader a signal such as there asterisks centered on a line break between the points of view. Notes:

Gaby never expected to be gutted in the dog food section of the Stine Village Grocery Mart. The betrayal hit her just as if her sister-in-law, Deena, had slid a real knife into her heart.

Standing at the end of the aisle, she could hear Deena loudly boasting in the detergent section the next aisle over. “If Gaby knew I'd set up her husband my brother with my husband's cousin Stephanie, she'd fall apart like wet bread. All the times I'd asked him to come over so I could spend some time with him, I had Stefanie come over too. And Gaby She never guessed the real reason why I always asked her what her work schedule was each week was so. It wasn't an accident that I could ask called Josh to go ‘antiquing’ with me and Stef only on the days she had to work. Much confusion here. We don’t know that Deena’s brother is Josh, or that Josh is Gaby’s husband. Does it matter to the story at any time that Stephanie is Deena’s husband’s cousin? I doubt it, and that detail is just clutter. Suggest quotes around “antiquing” because that’s not what she was actually calling about. Even so, I think even the bit about work schedules and invites to antiquing is more than would be coming up in the grocery store. You could trim this down to just the part about falling apart, setting him up with Stephanie, and then the part in the next paragraph. In fact, I’ll indicate cuts to do just that.

“She never even suspected a thing when Josh suggested she fly up to Montana for a whole week to celebrate Christmas with her folks. Ya know, there's trusting and then there's clueless. Josh spent the whole week with Stefanie when he got Gaby to go visit her folks. I think he's in love with her.” This really gets to be an “info dump” when someone dishes out all this information in the aisle of a grocery store. It was too much for me. Some of this leads to a good story question, but the length of it strains credibility to the breaking point for me.

Then Gaby heard Karlie, Deena's neighbor and best friend, insert her deep southern Georgia accent into the conversation. “But ah've heard Josh say many a time how much he loves Gaby. Are you sure he's all that into Stefanie and it's not just a fling? Even men who are in love sometimes want something different for dessert, but they never give up their favorite pot roast, if you know what ah mean.”

Deena gave an evil laugh. “Pot roast . . . that's a perfect description of Gaby.” Nice insult to overhear.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Vicki

 

What should be in a scene?

Or, more to the point, what elements can help you create a powerful, living scene? Here’s an article titled “Make Your Scenes Earn Their Way” by Booke Warner.

She digs into the considerations writers should, well, consider when creating scenes. Her advice applies to both memoir and fiction.

Particularly helpful might be this list of the things that can and perhaps should be in a scene—note: not on the first or a single page, but artfully applied throughout a narrative to create the flesh and blood of a scene:

• Place and setting -- landscape; time of year; weather; towns vs. cities; etc.
• Characters -- characters in action and dialogue.
• Situation -- what is the situation or problem?
• Action -- how do different people in your scene react, move, respond?
• Dialogue -- how do people talk (including body language)?
• Conflict -- how do people express their differences?
• Context, time in history -- when does the story occur in time?
• Sensual details -- how does the world feel, smell, taste, sound?

I think I’ll print that list out and stick it up somewhere to remind me. I often leave out some of those elements, and they can help create a sense of reality. For example, I usually forget smell, and I’m doing a rewrite of a scene that takes place in a shooting range, and I’ve forgotten to include the scent of gunpowder smoke.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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© 2015 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Andre—would you turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins engaging the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question.

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Andre sends the first chapter of a novel for which I don’t have the title. The remainder is after the break.

Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.

They’re coming for me. I can feel them just over my shoulder in the darkness. The patter of their boots on the concrete floor, their incoherent shouts against my sudden flight; they want me back, they want me to face it, but I won’t, at least, I won’t face it their way.

Just keep running. Just keep running. There has to be a way out! I have to get out!

Like the rest of this nightmarish place, the corridor is barely lit; just enough to see what’s about to meet my feet before me. And long. I can’t see its end. But it has to end. Everything ends. The only light comes from the spinning sirens overhead. Every fifty feet or so I pass beneath one and cup my ears to block out its deafening blare. But it’s more than the volume that causes discomfort, it’s the sound of defiance—a reminder of sins committed.

Am I dreaming? Is this just another nightmare? It all seems so familiar…

It’s impossible to tell anymore. Day, night, minutes, years, reality, illusion; I barely know my own name. Everything is in slow motion. Then it’s not. Then it’s happening so fast I can barely remember how I got here. They said that would pass. They said it would get better with time, that I’d adjust, that I’d “heal”. But there’s no healing from these wounds. There’s no amount of Q&A, no amount of journaling, of protocols, no amount of black pills or white pills that will heal this pain.

Just keep running, I tell myself. Don’t stop, don’t look back, just get out of this place and do (snip)

While there are certainly story questions here, the writing is good, and the protagonist seems to be in jeopardy, I wasn’t inexorably lured forward. Part of the reason may be because of all the pronouns that don’t mean anything since there are no antecedents. I don’t know who the “they” is that are coming. There’s the “it” that will get better with time. I don’t know what “these wounds” refers to. And then there’s the uncertainty as to whether or not this is a dream—it seems dreamlike with all the vaguenesses, and the narrative even brings the reality of the scene into question (without answering it). I'm giving it an almost because another time, another day, I might have turned the page.

Basically, I guess, I just didn’t get what is going on—yes, a character seems to be running and is afraid—but I have no clue as to from what, or why, or where, or if it’s real or not. Oh, and for me “patter” doesn’t seem like the kind of sound pursuing boots on a concrete floor would make, especially if there was also shouting going on. Wouldn't shouting drown out pattering, which seems like a soft, gentle sound to me? Patter makes me think of children pattering around the house or something like that. It’s not a particularly threatening word, either, and this scene needs all the threat overtones it can get.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Andre