Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Download a free PDF copy here.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
- It begins engaging the reader with the character
- Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
- The character desires something.
- The character does something.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- What happens raises a story question.
Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.
Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.
Curtis sends the first chapter of a novella, CRUCIFIJA. The remainder is after the break.
Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.
Okay, so the inverted pentagram painted on the wall behind me totally creeped me out. Part of me also wondered if that was really hamburger in the spaghetti, and not human flesh. Still, judge not, lest ye be judged, right?
“So, Ciri, would you like to say grace this evening?”
“Sure, Mom. Um, our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name—”
A gasp, followed by a high-pitched squawk, and the clatter of silverware greeted my intonation. So not the response I hoped for.
My mother inhaled a deep breath to regain her composure. “Ciri, Allen’s been very gracious to us. Please respect his rules.”
“Come now, Regina, I’m sure Ciri meant no disrespect.” My stepfather stroked the head of the raven perched on his shoulder. “She’s trying to make this new situation work, just like the rest of us. However, she brings up an important point. We need to discuss my…lifestyle.”
“Look, Allen, no matter how you spin it, this whole Satanic thing’s evil.”
“At least he’s around,” my brother said, picking up his fork. “Unlike Dad.”
As much as I hated to admit it, Angelo had a point. Even though my brother’s polo shirts had been replaced by Avenged Sevenfold T-shirts, he smiled more often since my mother married Allen a few months ago. His therapist even lowered the dosage of his Prozac. Truth be (snip)
This nicely done first page begins with a strong voice and writing, and then it goes on to paint, in a few swift, telling strokes, a world that, almost by itself, raises strong story questions. While there is no clear jeopardy for the narrator at this point, the fact that she is in a Satanic household made me want to know more about how she would handle it. There is definitely conflict ahead, we just don’t know the nature of it.
The chapter is extremely short and I urge you to read the rest and see if you would want to read more. A very few notes:
Okay, so the inverted pentagram painted on the wall behind me totally creeped me out. Part of me also wondered if that was really hamburger in the spaghetti, and not human flesh. Still, judge not, lest ye be judged, right? removed a comma
“So, Ciri, would you like to say grace this evening?”
I said, “Sure, Mom. Um, our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name—” Since we don’t know who the opening narration is from, and while it might be okay to assume that this speaker is that same person, I think a dialogue tag makes it perfectly clear and doesn’t slow things down.
A gasp, followed by a high-pitched squawk, and the clatter of silverware greeted my intonation. So not the response I hoped for. removed a comma
My mother inhaled a deep breath to regain her composure. “Ciri, Allen’s been very gracious to us. Please respect his rules.”
“Come now, Regina, I’m sure Ciri meant no disrespect.” My stepfather stroked the head of the raven perched on his shoulder. “She’s trying to make this new situation work, just like the rest of us. However, she brings up an important point. We need to discuss my…lifestyle.” Love the matter-of-fact way the raven is shown.
I said, “Look, Allen, no matter how you spin it, this whole Satanic thing’s evil.” Since three people have spoken and the last one to speak before Allen was the mother, the speaker is not clear here and likely to be thought to be the mother. Need a dialogue tag for clarity.
“At least he’s around,” my brother said, picking up his fork. “Unlike Dad.”
As much as I hated to admit it, Angelo had a point. Even though my brother’s polo shirts had been replaced by Avenged Sevenfold T-shirts, he smiled more often since my mother married Allen a few months ago. His therapist had even lowered the dosage of his Prozac. Truth be (snip)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Curtis
Continued
. . . told, my mother smiled a lot more, too, and she didn’t drink as much wine as she did during those final lonely years with my father.
“Fine. I’m sorry, Allen. You’ve been good to us. I just can’t accept that Satan’s path is the right path. Not yet, anyway. Nothing personal. Now, will you please pass the garlic bread?”
“I understand, Ciri. Old programming can’t be changed overnight. But we must give thanks to Lucifer before we eat. All together, shall we?”
“Our Creator who art in Hell, sacred is thy eternal name. Bringer of daily indulgences, thy infernal kingdom awaits. Our will on Earth, as it is in Hell. Deliver us from ignorance, and lead us to Armageddon. For thine is the true empire, the power, and the glorious. Hail Satan!”
Yeah, why would I ever think God’s path was wrong?