Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Download a free PDF copy here.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
- It begins engaging the reader with the character
- Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
- What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
- What happens moves the story forward.
- What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
- The character desires something.
- The character does something.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?
Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.
Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.
Christina sends a first chapter of Eldara and the Kingdom of Light. The remainder is after the break.
Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.
Ellie held her breath as she hid amongst the shadows. A nearby neon sign flickered on and off, splashing blotches of red onto the pavement and nearby dumpster. She tiptoed backwards as if trying to avoid a puddle of blood that was oozing toward her tattered shoes, while cursing the light under her breath.
How could I be so stupid, she thought, as she fumbled around in her pack for a knife.
She was smarter than this, and knew the streets well, which angered her even more that she allowed herself to be cornered.
Maybe they weren’t even following me, she rationalized.
Ellie decided she would wait a few more minutes just to be safe, but when nothing happened, she figured she had wasted enough time listening to the eerie hum of the Neon light. The tip of her toe slowly inched toward the intrusive red glow before she quickly pulled back, as echoing sounds of scuffing feet warned Ellie to remain hidden.
Three shadowed figures had appeared around the corner looking in her direction; she was not entirely certain that they could not see her but there was nowhere else for her to go. Not wanting to appear weak, Ellie held her knife out and prepared for whatever happened.
“She couldn’t have gone far,” whispered one of the figures.
“Why we wastin’ our time anyway,” said another. “I don’t think the little brat even (snip)
There are plenty of good things about this opening, including a sympathetic character in jeopardy and prepared to make a fight of it. The scene is set sufficiently for the scene to get started, and something is clearly happening. The voice is nice, and there’s a promise of a good story ahead.
But, for this reader, the narrative is on the overwritten side, including the use of a “filter,” which I’ll point out in the notes, but first I’ll rant on it a bit here first.
A filter I hate to see is what I call a “body part” filter wherein some portion of a person is given the role of doing something rather than the person. In this case, it’s this:
The tip of her toe slowly inched toward the intrusive red glow . . .
This focuses the reader’s mind’s eye on the toe of a shoe, but is that what the character’s experience is? Is the tip of a shoe what we should be experiencing? In my book (literally) the answer is no. Instead, give the action to the person:
She inched her foot toward the red glow . . .
Here you have a person doing something, and that’s what the reader will visualize, not the tip of a shoe.
I encourage Christina to focus on tightening the writing and dive deeper into the experience of the character. For example, missing here is some expression of how she feels in this situation. Is she afraid? When she prepares to fight, you could include showing fear, perhaps like this:
Ellie swallowed hard and clenched her knife as she braced to fight for her life.
Some notes and edits:
Ellie held her breath as she hid amongst the shadows in the alley. A nearby neon sign flickered on and off, splashing blotches of red onto the pavement and nearby dumpster. She tiptoed backwards as if trying to avoid a puddle of blood that was oozing toward her tattered shoes, while cursing the light under her breath. There was an echo of “nearby,” a word that wasn’t necessary. I edited out the “on and off” because flickering is, by definition, something going on and off. I added the part about an alley because it felt like that was where we were but it wasn’t clear. And a person would be more likely to hide in an alley than out on a street or sidewalk.
How could I be so stupid, she thought, as she fumbled around in her pack for a knife. If you use internal monologue, there’s no need for italics and tags such as “she thought.” For example, this paragraph could be:
She fumbled in her pack for her knife. How could she be so stupid?
She was smarter than this, and knew the streets well, which angered her even more that she had allowed herself to be cornered.
Maybe they weren’t even following me, she rationalized thought. First, never explain dialogue with a tag such as “rationalized.” Second, just use internal monologue:
Maybe they weren’t even following her.
That’s all you need here, and the reader understands that it’s a rationalization, no need to tell us.
Ellie waited, decided she would wait a few more minutes just to be safe, but when nothing happened, she figured she had wasted enough time listening to the eerie hum of the Neon neon light. The tip of her toe slowly She inched her foot toward the intrusive red glow, then jerked before she quickly pulled back at the sound, as echoing sounds of scuffing feet warned Ellie to remain hidden. BTW, no need for "slowly" since inching is by definition a slow, cautious movement.
Three shadowed figures had appeared around the corner. They looked looking in her direction;, and she was not entirely certain that they could not see her but there was nowhere else for her to go. Not wanting to appear weak, Ellie held her knife out and prepared for whatever happened. “prepared for whatever happened” is on the vague side. Why not something more specific? Thoughtstarter as shown above: . . .
Ellie swallowed hard and clenched her knife as she braced to fight for her life.
“She couldn’t have gone far,” whispered one of the figures. Why the use of “figures” here? Are they something other than men? If men, then say men, it’s a clearer communication of what she sees and understands. Also avoids the echo of “figures” from an earlier paragraph.
“Why we wastin’ our time anyway,” said another. “I don’t think the little brat even (snip)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Christina
Continued
. . . knows who or what she is, and besides, she looks half dead. I’ll bet she doesn’t last another week.”
“Well the other half is still alive so shut it or you’ll be next,” said the third. “You know what happens when orders are disobeyed. If Gor’dar heard you say that, we’d all be dead, so quit yappin’ and search the dumpster before I stick this knife into you instead!”
Ellie’s head was spinning; she hardly had time to think about what these guys wanted with her let alone what kind of name Gor’dar was. She started to feel a strange sensation sweep over her, almost like déjà vu, though she did not see how that was even possible.
Her heart thudded against her thin frame as the men closed in on her hiding place.
This can’t be happening, not like this, not again. Though she was unsure what it all meant.
They were now feet away when a fourth figure appeared from behind them. He was much taller than the other three and looked like a giant in comparison. If Ellie had to guess she would say he looked to be over eight feet tall. She now wondered how she ever stood a chance against any of them when the giant pulled a long blade from his side and moved toward the three men. A growling deep voice made them turn in exasperation.
He uttered only three words, but it was enough.
“I warned you.”
Ellie could see their trembling hands as their knives clinked to the ground. It was the same fear that held her tight, and now they too knew what it was to be cornered with nowhere else to go.
The giant raised his blade showing no mercy as the three men dropped to their knees pleading for their lives. Ellie couldn’t bear to watch, but she heard the swish of his blade followed by three deadening thuds, and then the low hum of the neon light once more.
Ellie’s hand instinctively gripped the knife harder as she stood frozen in place. She could not see the giants face when she finally looked in his direction, but his silhouette was enough to frighten anyone. His broad shoulders indicated that whoever this man was, he was not only very tall, but muscular as well. He stood staring in her direction for a moment, his eyes gleaming back at her like those of a wild animal reflecting light. There was no question about it, he knew she was there.
Panic swept over her like a wave of icy water as she wondered if this was that Gor’dar guy they were talking about.
Was this some kind of inner city gang? The streets were filled with them nowadays and it was a miracle she had survived as long as she had on her own, but Ellie could not figure out what a gang would want with her.
Her father had always taught her to keep her head down and out of trouble and that’s what she did, for the most part anyway. There were exceptions when it came to food and she had to resort to thievery, but Ellie was sure this was unrelated. There had to have been a mix up.
That was it, this was just a misunderstanding; she would just come out and tell this “Gor’dar” they had the wrong girl. Ellie closed her eyes and took a deep breath in and out, but just as she opened them and was about to speak, the tall figure had vanished. The giant-like man and the three bodies were gone.
Bewildered and fatigued, Ellie slid down the side of the dumpster. She hadn’t eaten anything of real substance in a very long time and it was starting to show. Those guys were right about one thing, she was skin and bones and on the brink of starvation.
Ellie knew she needed to get up and move before whoever those people were decided to come back. She didn’t know if there were more following her, or if that giant of a man was friend or foe, but honestly, she didn’t care.
She was much too tired and hungry at the moment to process all that had happened, but as Ellie was struggling to stand, something grabbed her leg.
She reached for her knife once more, determined at least not to go down without a fight, though she knew there was not much fight in her at the moment. Her knees buckled, and down she went, seeing the pavement before blacking out…