Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for CJ—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins connecting the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

CJ sends a first chapter of The Timepiece of Citarra. The remainder is after the break.

Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.

Leo dangled upside down in the gnarly old oak, waiting for the blood to rush to his head. He was that bored. What he really wanted to do was go home and play on his computer, but his Mom had put the kibosh on that. Swaying back and forth, he pressed a pair of binoculars to his face. The image switched from the green grass of the university campus, to the red bricks of the museum. Green grass, red brick, green grass, red brick, green grass, bright flash!

Whoa. Fizzing and popping like a sparkler on the fourth of July, a thin streak of light tore through the sky. Leo adjusted the binoculars. A meteor! And it was headed straight for the museum. He started a mental count down.

Ten…Should he tell Ellie? Nah, she was probably still mad.

Nine…Sure, his fake tarantula had her hollering and swatting like she was on fire.

Eight…But it wasn’t his fault she lacked a sense of humor.

Seven…He said he was sorry, even offered to go inside the museum, like Ellie wanted.

Six…And he hated museums! They were full of old junk and pictures of dead people.

Five…Ellie had jammed her headphones back on, but she’d freak when the meteor hit.

Four…It wasn’t very big, but it was coming in crazy fast. Too bad Mom would miss it.

Three…She was always dragging them outside to look at the night sky.

Two…Wait! Mom was inside the museum! One…

The last line and the fun voice were almost enough for me, but the picky writer side of me decided to not go on for a couple of reasons. The first is that my interested started to flag as Leo plowed through his “countdown,” which is clearly a sorta nice way to introduce some backstory and character, but it doesn’t really advance the story. The second reason was a clarity issue.

I did enjoy the writing and the character, and think there’s a good story ahead. One caution for CJ: I think you should have showed him falling from the tree, not just leaped ahead as you did. Notes:

Leo dangled upside down in the gnarly old oak, waiting for the blood to rush to his head. He was that bored. What he really wanted to do was go home and play on his computer, but his Mom had put the kibosh on that. Swaying back and forth, he pressed a pair of binoculars to his face. The image switched from the green grass of the university campus, to the red bricks of the museum. Green grass, red brick, green grass, red brick, green grass, bright flash! Clarity issue: pressing binoculars to his face. That doesn’t work for me. If he put them to/lifted them to/etc. his eyes, that would be fine. You need to be aware of exactly what your words are transmitting to the reader. One other thought: while I like the word “kibosh” and recognize it, I suspect it’s not a word in a contemporary grade-school vocabulary.

Whoa. Fizzing and popping like a sparkler on the fourth of July, a thin streak of light tore through the sky. Leo adjusted the binoculars. A meteor! And it was headed straight for the museum. He started a mental count down. up to the mental countdown, this was just fine. Suggest “focused” rather than “adjusted” as a quicker and more focused description of action, pun intended.

Ten…Should he tell Ellie? Nah, she was probably still mad. I didn’t care about this.

Nine…Sure, his fake tarantula had her hollering and swatting like she was on fire. I want the now of the story, not the then.

Eight…But it wasn’t his fault she lacked a sense of humor. And then this affects the story how?

Seven…He said he was sorry, even offered to go inside the museum, like Ellie wanted. Same note.

Six…And he hated museums! They were full of old junk and pictures of dead people. Ahem. Story?

Five…Ellie had jammed her headphones back on, but she’d freak when the meteor hit. Good, we’re back to the meteor.

Four…It wasn’t very big, but it was coming in crazy fast. Too bad Mom would miss it. Good, good . . .

Three…She was always dragging them outside to look at the night sky. Argh! Back to then, not now.

Two…Wait! Mom was inside the museum! One… wish we had gotten to this sooner

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 CJ

Flogometer for Max—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins connecting the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Max sends a first chapter of The View from an Airship. The remainder is after the break.

Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.

Once again Commander Deltz, with all his expertise, called on me for help. And once again Ilsa and I stood outside the lamp-flanked door of the Vort Svatten constabulary, waiting for him to appear. This time, however, it was different. This time it was raining. Heavily.

And I don’t say heavily lightly. The downpour soaked our clothes, plastered our hair to our skulls, and made a wonderful racket as droplets fell in a thick barrage, slamming and splashing against the cobblestones and tiled roofs.

“You know,” I said, turning to Ilsa, “I like the rain. I find it refreshing.” It does have a way of cleansing the air of soot, smog and questionable smells, and a city like Vort Svatten knows those three all too well.

She gave me a thoroughly unimpressed look, before returning her eyes to the door. “Good for you.”

I returned my own gaze to the door, peering into the warm, amber-lit window. I wasn’t lying when I said I liked rain, but inside looked so inviting just then. Apparently the entirety of Vort Svatten thought so too, if the deserted street around us was anything to go by.

“You know it’s only me who’s not allowed on State premises,” I said. “If you want you can wait insi—”

I’ve read writing pundits say to never open with weather. In this case, I agree, and especially if the narrative goes on to discuss the nature of weather that does not cause any jeopardy for the characters. As it is, the fact that it’s raining has no impact whatsoever on what happens next. So why is it here, on the first page?

It’s part of nicely written setup designed to introduce the world and the characters. Unfortunately, it is not designed to tell/show a story in progress. I do like  the writing and the steampunk setting, and there are hints of a good detective-like story in the chapter that follows.

Why not start with story? You can always introduce more on the characters and the world after you’ve hooked the reader with story. So, rather than critique the writing, which is just fine, I dug later in the chapter, did a little editing, and came up with an alternative opening. See if you think this is a stronger opening page, and then vote.

Commander Deltz escorted me and Ilsa into the morgue, a grey, low-ceilinged room, walls lined with iron drawers for bodies and lit only by weak gas lamps in each corner. Not all of the morgue’s dead were confined to those drawers. On a table in the middle lay a rather tall, rather dead, rather naked specimen.

Deltz nodded at the body and took a position in a corner. “Name’s Hans Geir.”

I went over to the well named Mr. Geir’s side. Even in the relaxed and rather gruesome state of death his face looked unkind. So many sharp edges. Tattooed serpents wrapped their way up his arms, and his nose sat crooked, as though broken and never put back in place. Overall, a fine gent.

“What else can you tell us about him?” asked Ilsa.

“A surgeon by trade,” said Deltz. “Worked in the hospital. Unmarried, with no direct family to speak of. Nothing particularly interesting about him.”

“So why did you call me—” I halted mid-sentence.

Strange how the body can notice something before the mind does. The hairs on my neck had stood on end, and only in reaction to that did I notice I felt colder than I had at the doorway, colder even than I had outside in the rain. The dead man radiated a sharp chill, most certainly Occult.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Max

Another take on character description

I came across a post titled "11 Secrets to Writing Effective Character Description" by Rachel Scheller, and I liked much of what she had to say. Might be worth your while to check it out. The 11 points she writes about are:

1. Description that relies solely on physical attributes too often turns into what Janet Burroway calls the “all-points bulletin.”

2. The problem with intensifying an image only by adjectives is that adjectives encourage cliché.

3. Strengthen physical descriptions by making details more specific.

4. Select physical details carefully, choosing only those that create the strongest, most revealing impression.

5. A character’s immediate surroundings can provide the backdrop for the sensory and significant details that shape the description of the character himself.

6. In describing a character’s surroundings, you don’t have to limit yourself to a character’s present life.

7. Characters reveal their inner lives—their preoccupations, values, lifestyles, likes and dislikes, fears and aspirations—by the objects that fill their hands, houses, offices, cars, suitcases, grocery carts, and dreams.

8. Description doesn’t have to be direct to be effective.

9. To make characters believable to readers, set them in motion.

10. Verbs are the foot soldiers of action-based description.

11. We don’t always have to use concrete, sensory details to describe our characters, and we aren’t limited to describing actable actions.

For what it's worth.

Ray

Tweet

© 2015 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Troy—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins connecting the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Troy sends a first chapter of Ascendency. The remainder is after the break.

Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.

“Are you really going to shoot me?” Paul says.

A man wearing a plain black trench coat gazes at a row of Humvees silhouetted against the pre-dawn glow of the rising sun. His flashlight and .45 caliber pistol aim at Paul’s back.

“Only if I have to. Now drop the keys soldier and go back to your tent.”

Paul’s eyes flick toward the nearest Humvee. He can smell the harsh acidic fumes of diesel fuel wafting off it. Almost, he thinks. He digs his right boot into the hard desert sand, kicking up a swirl of dust that shimmers like diamonds as he shuffles his feet to turn around. He looks into the glare of the flashlight. “It’s not enough with you guys spying on the Afghani’s; now you have to do it with your own troops.”

“Wasn’t too hard to figure out you’d try something like this, with the way you reacted to our report.”

“She trusted me!” Paul says.

“She’s probably dead by now. Going after her won’t solve anything.”

“You.” Paul’s nose flares. “You made me do it. You said you’d protect her.”

“Nobody made you do anything Private Weber. Basheera was good informant, but she was also stubborn. We had to use you get her—”

“We’re in love.”

A good “what happens next” story question was almost enough to get me to turn this page, but too many craft issues suggest that there’s some rough reading ahead. There are grammatical errors, though they are fixable. But the narrative veers into overwriting, and that’s a deterrent for this reader. That said, tighten up the writing and lift it to a correct, professional level to realize your story—it could be a good one. Notes:

“Are you really going to shoot me?” Paul says.

A man wearing a plain black trench coat gazes at a row of Humvees silhouetted against the pre-dawn glow of the rising sun. His flashlight and .45 caliber pistol aim at Paul’s back.

“Only if I have to. Now drop the keys, soldier, and go back to your tent.” Couple of missing commas.

Paul’s eyes flick toward the nearest Humvee. He can smell the harsh acidic fumes of diesel fuel wafting off it. Almost, he thinks. He digs his right boot into the hard desert sand, kicking up a swirl of dust that shimmers like diamonds as he shuffles his feet to turns around. He and looks into the glare of the flashlight. “It’s not enough with you guys spying on the Afghans Afghani’s; now you have to do it with your own troops.” Here’s the overwriting. The smell of the fuel has no affect on the story and doesn’t move it forward, and neither do the detailed description of which boot he digs into the sand or the nature of the dust. Keep the story moving.

“Wasn’t too hard to figure out you’d try something like this, with the way you reacted to our report.”

“She trusted me!” Paul says.

“She’s probably dead by now. Going after her won’t solve anything.”

“You.” Paul’s nose flares. “You made me do it. You said you’d protect her.” For me, the nose flaring was a detail that didn’t quite connect, though I get where it comes from. Give us internal monologue for a dialogue beat, maybe? Or a clenching of his fists, something more easily associated with anger and fighting than nostril activity.

“Nobody made you do anything, Private Weber. Basheera was good informant, but she was also stubborn. We had to use you get her—” Note missing comma.

“We’re in love.”

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Troy

 

Flogometer for Tim—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. Only one in the queue for next week. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins connecting the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Tim sends a first chapter of Justice, a fantasy. The remainder is after the break.

Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.

“We need to talk.” Jobe kept the frustration from his voice as he spoke to the wizard Lysander as they walked past rows of neat cottages.

Instead of speaking, Lysander turned his head, inspecting a pair of old women gossiping across a fence.

Jobe silently cursed to himself. I should have known better. We’ve been together for a month, and he’s barely spoken a dozen words to me. A cold raindrop splattered across Jobe’s face. Great.

The gossiping women noticed Lysander’s stare, and stared back. The wizard increased his pace and began muttering under his breath. No doubt he considered the pair possible informers. The wizard saw spies everywhere, which was why the pair traveled back roads instead of taking coaches or riverboats. Then again, the wizard had reason, being accused of blasphemy and black magic by the Church. Capture and conviction meant death by immolation.

The rain intensified as the sun approached the horizon. Jobe drew level with the wizard. “It grows late. We should find shelter.”

Lysander stopped muttering long enough to face Jobe. Like Jobe, Lysander had grey eyes and brown hair, though he was double Jobe’s age. Others often mistook them for father and son, or uncle and nephew; an impression Lysander did nothing to dispel. Tis’ a role I play. A role well (snip)

The writing needs to sharpen up a bit and get rid of things such as the repetition of “the pair” in the fourth paragraph to refer to two different sets of people. I can forgive things like that for a strong hit of story tension, but that wasn’t here. Instead of notes, following is an opening I created from material later in the chapter (condensed it and corrected some grammar errors). See if you think this makes a stronger opening and vote.

Jobe pinned the wizard against the shack wall. Lysander’s breath escaped with a ‘woof’ as Jobe’s elbow dug into the mage’s ribs. Jobe pulled a gun from his pocket and pressed the barrel against the mage’s nose. “You recognize this?” Most people on this world wouldn’t, but Jobe figured the wizard for an exception. “You know what it can do?”

“I – I do.” Lysander trembled. His gaze darted from side to side. “What do you want?”

“Answers,” Jobe took a step back, keeping his eyes focused on the mage.

“You may have difficulty obtaining answers from my corpse,” said Lysander. His eyes focused on the weapon in Jobe’s hand.

Jobe adjusted his aim, pointing the gun at the wizard’s shoulder. “Pain will suffice.”

“I have enough pain in my life without adding more.” Lysander’s shoulders slumped. “Ask your question.”

“I flit from world to world like a leaf in a storm, retaining fragmentary memories of each sojourn. You knew this from the moment we met. More, I figure in some secret truth you carry. I want that secret.” Jobe’s lips curled in a humorless smile. “Besides, confession is good for the soul.”

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Tim

 

Mastering the Craft awarded silver eLit medal

Well, this is weird. I scheduled this post to announce this award while I'm on a trip and the content wasn't here this morning.

Anyway, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling won the Silver Medal in the Writing/Publishing category of the eLit awards for excellence in ebook design.

I had a graphic prepared, but that's back at home, I'll post it when I return from this trip--going to the beach to celebrate our 42nd anniversary.

It's nice to get an accolade like this since I'm pretty much self-taught in the ebook design area. Well, the software helped, too.

Best,

Ray

Flogometer for Melissa—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins connecting the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Melissa sends a first chapter of Swept by Giants, a middle grade story. The remainder is after the break.

Please vote and comment. It helps the writer.

“Shay, wait up!” Finn walked toward me, kicking up little clouds of infield dust with each step. He was walking real slow. Slower than was necessary. Sure it was hot. Sure we had just played two hours of baseball in the blazing sun with not a drip of water to drink, but this was ridiculous. He was moving slower than a worm on a dry sidewalk.

When he finally made it over to me, I was starting to feel downright woozy. Summertime in Southern Ohio can do that to you.

“Can you sneak out tonight?” he asked. The skin on Finn’s face had blended in with all his freckles to the point where I felt like I was talking to a tomato.

“I guess,” I said.

Finn placed his hand on my shoulder and leaned in close. “It’s got to be late and it’s got to be on the down low, if you know what I mean.”

“Why?” Finn stared back at me with a look I recognized as trouble.  “Aw man, if you’re planning on peeping in on Gwendolyn while she’s getting ready for bed again, you can count me out.  Her German Shepherd almost chomped my leg off the last time we tried that.”

 “ ‘Course that’s not what I’m planning,” said Finn. “What kind of guy do you think I am?”

“The perverted kind.” I laughed and shoved him away from me.

A delightful voice and lively writing were almost enough to get me to turn the page, but this is just about all setup and not the actual story. If you read on, you’ll find an interesting and possibly dangerous event waiting in the future—unfortunately, not in this chapter. I would look at starting the story much later, when trouble actually develops. You can weave in the setup stuff then. Very promising writing, just get to the story. There were a couple of issues, though, so here are some notes:

“Shay, wait up!” Finn walked toward me, kicking up little clouds of infield dust with each step. He was walking real slow. Slower than was necessary. Sure it was hot. Sure we had just played two hours of baseball in the blazing sun with not a drip of water to drink, but this was ridiculous. He he was moving slower than a worm on a dry sidewalk. If they’ve been playing baseball, there would be a bunch of boys there, not just the two. Where are the rest? If they haven’t been playing with a team, the narrative should be clear.

When he finally made it over to me, I was starting to feel downright woozy. Summertime in Southern Ohio can do that to you.

“Can you sneak out tonight?” he asked. The skin on Finn’s face had blended in with all his freckles to the point where I felt like I was talking to a tomato. This description didn’t work for me. Freckles are generally brown, so if his skin had blended with his freckles, it would be brown, not red. If his skin has turned red and he has lots of freckles, then it might be more like talking to a freckle pizza.

“I guess,” I said.

Finn placed his hand on my shoulder and leaned in close. “It’s got to be late and it’s got to be on the down low, if you know what I mean.”

“Why?” Finn stared back at me with a look I recognized as trouble.  “Aw man, if you’re planning on peeping in on Gwendolyn while she’s getting ready for bed again, you can count me out.  Her German Shepherd almost chomped my leg off the last time we tried that.” While I think this peeping tom behavior is entirely possible for boys of this age, do you really want to include this sexual and possibly criminal stuff? And it’s off-story, anyway.

 “ ‘Course that’s not what I’m planning,” said Finn. “What kind of guy do you think I am?”

“The perverted kind.” I laughed and shoved him away from me.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Melissa

Flogometer for Brian—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins connecting the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Brian sends a first chapter of Rise of the Mages. The remainder is after the break.

Please vote. It helps the writer.

The vial slipped from Xan’s grasp.

He jolted alert and reached. Missed. It tumbled toward the floor, hitting and bursting into shards.

 “Blasted, rads-infested moron!”

How could he have been stupid enough to nod off again? He seized a broom and clenched its handle with shaking hands.

Another ridiculous, blasted, idiotic, ridiculous rads-infested broken bottle! Master Rae was going to give him the tongue lashing of a lifetime. Two more weeks’ pay gone to replace it.

Tiny pieces of glass clinked as he swept them into a dustpan.

What if he’d dropped a bottle of lockweed concentrate instead of an empty vial? Losing the shop’s supply would have meant fevers left untreated during the winter. Bad enough to lose pay and to suffer his mentor’s disappointment. But to hurt people?

A journeyman apothecary needed to be precise in his movements. Each pinch of powder should contain the same amount of material, and each chop of a blade should cut the same length. When working with medicine, mistakes killed.

He ran his hands through his curly mop of hair.

If he could just get a respite from the dreams. There had to be a way. Had to, and he (snip)

While the writing is solid (though a little too much at times for me) this opening does forecast a problem ahead for Xan and something has gone wrong, the stakes seem minimal. Sure, losing pay is not nice, but it’s not life-threatening, is it? And the dreams—if there’s a problem that they cause that is serious, let us know what it is. Getting sleepy on the job is not high stakes. Yes, the narrative attempts to make those stakes high with a little information dumping, but it’s still all theoretical. If he were handing a vial he’d mixed while drowsy to a patient and then realizes he might have done it wrong and the contents could kill, then we have a serious situation.

But here we’re talking about: breaking an empty vial, being sleepy, and a dream that we don’t know anything about. The later chapter seems to insinuate Xan into an alternate universe—but it could still all be a dream.  The front half of the chapter is pretty much all setup. I suggest you look for a later starting point, something where things do go seriously wrong for the character and he has to deal with it. Maybe that inciting incident is in the second chapter, maybe later. Notes:

The vial slipped from Xan’s grasp.

He jolted alert and reached. Missed. It hit tumbled toward the floor and burst, hitting and bursting into shards. Just a suggestion for crisper narrative.

“Blasted, rads-infested moron!”

How could he have been stupid enough to nod off again? He seized a broom and clenched its handle with shaking hands. A bit of overwriting—this close detail doesn’t add enough to make it worth the space.

Another ridiculous, blasted, idiotic, ridiculous rads-infested broken bottle! Master Rae was going to give him the tongue-lashing of a lifetime. Two more weeks’ pay gone to replace it.

Tiny pieces of glass clinked as he swept them into a dustpan.

What if he’d dropped a bottle of lockweed concentrate instead of an empty vial? Losing the shop’s supply would have meant fevers left untreated during the winter. Bad enough to lose pay and to suffer his mentor’s disappointment. But to hurt people?

A journeyman apothecary needed to be precise in his movements. Each pinch of powder should contain the same amount of material, and each chop of a blade should cut the same length. When working with medicine, mistakes killed. Info dump, detail of the “world.” Save it for when he actually does something as an apothecary.

He ran his hands through his curly mop of hair. POV break—in close third person, he would not think of the nature of his hair, he would just run his fingers through it. As such, there’s no need for this line if you ditch the description, it’s just a gesture that doesn’t move story or character forward.

If he could just get a respite from the dreams. There had to be a way. Had to, and he (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Brian

 

Do you type one space or two after sentences?

I came across an article titled “We Still Can’t Decide Whether to Put Once Space After a Period or Two.”

And it’s true—I see both approaches all the time in submissions to FtQ. One of the first things I do when I open a submission is to reformat it to conform to a few standards that include:

• text in 12-point Times New Roman font (a standard for many agents and editors, and it’s a narrow font that gets you more words per page)
• ½-inch indent for paragraphs
• no extra space between paragraphs
• and, if I see two spaces between sentences, change it immediately to one

Text no longer looks “correct” to me when I see the extra space. I notice it immediately upon opening a document. I design the interiors of books, and the industry typographical standard is one space between sentences.

I was taught in typing class to put two spaces and did so for many years. But, even though it was ingrained, I retrained my thumbs to only put one space. If you think about it, with thousands of sentences in a novel, that’s a lot of space-bar labor I save my thumbs. Gotta be faster, too, eliminating all those spaces.

Note that the article I’ve linked to has only one space after the ends of sentences.

Which do you do? Poll below.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

© 2015 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Chris—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. Only one in the queue for next week. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins connecting the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Chris sends a first chapter of middle-grade fiction titled The Trouble with Queenie. The remainder is after the break.

Please vote. It helps the writer.

“Good morning Mrs. Payne!” I flung my arms around the Headmistress’s waist and gave her a great big hug. “Are you here at the front door especially to welcome me on my very first day to Western Canada Prep School? Wow!” Even though she was a Very Important Person here she must be pretty nice, right? So what if she was dressed all in black and as tall and skinny as a giraffe. “And isn’t this a totally awesome morning with the sun shining down and the ocean sparkling and glimmering and aren’t you just so so so happy to be alive even though you look like you’re going to a funeral?” I beamed and twirled around on my tip toes.

“Yes Queenie…good morning.” She frowned, stiffly stepped back from me and sighed. “Look Queenie, do you not remember the rules we discussed last week? When you and your mother toured W.C.P.S.? Let me spell them out for you one… more… time…Number one: no student shall cross the road by him or herself.”

“But…”

 “Number two: no student shall walk up the driveway by him or herself.”

“But you see…”

“Number three: no student shall leave their car until the car reaches the yellow line in front of the main set of doors.”

“But Mrs. Payne I really didn’t think those rules applied to me‘cause I’m in Grade 5 (snip)

I’ll confess to not being a middle-grade reader, so I’m not sure how in tune with that audience my reactions were. I do like the voice, and (other than a couple of comma faults) the writing is good. For me, whether or not this child was going to get into trouble and the way she broke the rules were entertaining enough to warrant a page-turn. So was her voice, though I do wonder about some of her dialogue—surely no one would really talk that way. But this character does, consistently over the top in a fun kind of way. After reading through the first chapter, I wondered what was to come for this irrepressible and unique character. A good sign.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Chris