Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Catherine—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. Only one in the queue for next week. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins connecting the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Catherine sends a first chapter of Raphael Ascending . The remainder is after the break.

Please vote. It helps the writer.

Hustle bustle very busy, the uniforms, all shiny badges and polished shoes delivering paperwork to the suits at their scattered desks. The day after Thanksgiving. A lot of arrests made. Family affairs, booze, and football. Too much testosterone in turkey?

Their attention shifted from their chores when Detective Sergeant Freddy Wall squealed, "I'm not going on night shift." The plush, pushed- past- fifty, plain-clothes rolled his chair closer to the protection of his iron desk.

The uniforms and the other detectives, like spectators at a tennis game, shifted their sly eyes to the thirty-four year old man towering over Freddy. Chief of Detectives Troy Ames. Six two, blond, in full dress uniform sharp and spiffy, blue eyes blazing. "It's not a request, Sergeant Wall. It's an order. Monday, night shift."

Freddy's face contorted to a fierce pig-face stare, ears pinned back, nostrils arching to expose nose hairs. "You're new here, pal. You ought to know, I got a lot of friends in city hall."

Ice wrapped Troy's baritone. "Night shift or suspension, Sergeant Wall."

The audience exchanged lifted eyebrows and squints. Freddy squared his short, wide shoulders, bubbling his double chin toward his collarbone. "I could tell these guys some things about you."

A colorful, fresh voice and some good bridging tension on this first page. Two story questions: what will happen to Freddy, and what is the dirt he has on Ames. I think this could be crisper, and I would take a serious look at trimming the first and second paragraphs just enough  to get the next two lines on the first page, wherein Ames announces that he’s gay in a strong and fun way. Just a few notes:

Hustle bustle very busy, the uniforms, all shiny badges and polished shoes delivering paperwork to the suits at their scattered desks. The day after Thanksgiving. A lot of arrests made. Family affairs, booze, and football. Too much testosterone in turkey?

Their attention shifted from their chores when Detective Sergeant Freddy Wall squealed, "I'm not going on night shift." The plush, pushed- past- fifty, plain-clothes rolled his chair closer to the protection of his iron desk.

The uniforms and the other detectives, like spectators at a tennis game, shifted their sly eyes to the thirty-four year old man towering over Freddy. Chief of Detectives Troy Ames. Six two, blond, in full dress uniform sharp and spiffy, blue eyes blazing. "It's not a request, Sergeant Wall. It's an order. Monday, night shift."

Freddy's face contorted to a fierce pig-face stare, ears pinned back, nostrils arching to expose nose hairs. "You're new here, pal. You ought to know, I got a lot of friends in city hall."

Ice wrapped Troy's baritone. "Night shift or suspension, Sergeant Wall."

The audience exchanged lifted eyebrows and squints. Freddy squared his short, wide shoulders, bubbling his double chin toward his collarbone. "I could tell these guys some things about you." I’m not sure shoulders can be short. Narrow, yes, but short?

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Catherine

Flogometer for Fran—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins connecting the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Fran sends a revised first chapter of Low Flying Dirtbags. An earlier version was submitted here. The remainder is after the break.

Please vote. It helps the writer.

Daggett woke screaming. He felt like thousands of fire ants were crawling along the length of his body… biting and gnawing on his flesh! He screamed again and shivered. He was cold. He tried to lift a hand to his mouth but discovered he couldn't move his arms or legs. He slowly opened his eyes, trying to focus. He realized he was naked and strapped to a metal table. He felt the cold metal on his back. He screamed again as the pain exploded throughout his body. He could feel the beat of his pulse like a hammer banging into an open wound. He closed watery eyes as the fear rose. He willed himself to wrestle down the panic and told himself not to struggle knowing it would only intensify his burning agony.

Dim light filtered through a small grimy window set high on the wall above his head. He smelled mold and mildew. It was quiet as a graveyard except for the sound of water slowly dripping.

"Help me!" He howled. His throat was sore. He needed water.

No answer, in agony he hoarsely screamed again, "Please, someone, help me!" He coughed and tried to wet his lips. Hearing the water trickle made his thirst worse.

Daggett caught movement from the corner of his eye and turned his head too quickly. The room spun, and his stomach threatened to spew. He gulped and forced himself to calm down. Tears filled his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. God, the pain was almost unbearable. (snip)

My feeling about this opening is that it tries too hard, that it piles the torment on until this reader wished the narrative would get on with the story. There’s a bit of overwriting, and the use of filters gets in the way of the narrative delivering a strong impact. The length of the suffering also kept a really strong story-question line from being on the first page. You’ll see at the end of the notes.

Daggett woke screaming. He felt to pain like thousands of fire ants were crawling along the length of his body,… biting and gnawing on his flesh.! He screamed again and shivered. He was cold. He tried to lift a hand to his mouth but discovered he couldn't move his arms or legs. He slowly opened his eyes, trying to focus. He realized he was naked and strapped to a metal table. He felt the cold metal on his back. He screamed again as the pain exploded throughout his body. He could feel the beat of his His pulse beat like a hammer banging into an open wound. He closed watery eyes as the fear rose. He willed himself to wrestle down the panic and told himself not to struggle, knowing it would only intensify his burning agony. Several uses of “filters” diminish the reader’s ability to get into the character’s experience (though I’m not sure I want to get much deeper into this one). Filters include: he felt, he realized, he discovered . . . This opening paragraph could be crisper IMO, as the edits suggest.

Dim light filtered through a small grimy window set high on the wall above his head. He smelled mold and mildew. It was quiet as a graveyard except for the sound of water slowly dripping.

"Help me!" He howled. His throat was sore. He needed water.

No answer, in agony he hoarsely screamed again, "Please, someone, help me!" He coughed and tried to wet his lips. Hearing the water trickle made his thirst worse.

Daggett caught movement from the corner of his eye and turned his head too quickly. The room spun, and his stomach threatened to spew. He gulped and forced himself to calm down. Tears filled his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. God, the pain was almost unbearable. (snip) I cut the above material because we’ve got it, no need to keep torturing the reader with terrible things. More than that, cutting this lets the following sentence appear on the first page and raises the story questions to a compelling level:

A soft chuckle snaked through the gloom.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Fran

The Master of Micro-Tension

I came across the following micro-tension exercises by literary agent Donald Maass. He writes about how to create micro-tension in his craft books “The Fire in Fiction” and “Writing 21^st Century Fiction.” I’m quoting the following from an article that I found here. I’ll admit to never (yet) consciously applying his ideas, but, since I’m now involved in both a stem-to-stern rewrite of one novel and beginning a new one, I think I’m gonna do it. One exercise that really interests me is the last one below. See what you think.

Micro-Tension exercises by Donald Maass

• Pick a passage of dialogue. Strip it down. Increase hostility between the speakers. It can be friendly ribbing, worried questioning, polite disagreement, snide derision, veiled threats, open hostility, or any other degree of friction.
• Repeat the prompt above 100 times.
• Pick a passage of action—anything from high violence to a stroll in the park. Freeze the action in a sequence of three to five still snapshots. Select a detail from each frame. For each snapshot record your POV character’s precise feelings. Discard obvious emotions. Choose emotions that contrast or conflict. Rewrite the passage.
• Repeat the prompt above 50 times.
• Pick a passage of exposition. List all of your POV character’s emotions. List all ideas. Discard what’s obvious. Find emotions that conflict. Find ideas at war. Grab what creates unease, uncertainty, fresh worry, new questions, a deeper puzzle, or agonizing dilemma. Rewrite the passage.
• Repeat the prompt above 100 times. (If you are a romance writer, repeat 200 times.)
• Pick a moment when your protagonist is still, simply waiting or doing nothing. Look around. List three setting details that only this character would notice. Detail her emotions. Find those that conflict or surprise her. What’s this moment’s personal meaning? Write a passage combining snapshot clarity and roiling inner intensity.
• Print out your manuscript. Randomize the pages. (In a workshop I attended he suggested throwing them in the air and then pick the randomized pages back up.) Examine each one in isolation. Does it crackle? Are the characters on tiptoe? What question arises that the reader can’t answer? What’s going badly or wrong for your POV character? How does this page tell the whole story? Revise until the tension level is unbearable.
• Repeat the prompt above for every page. Yes, seriously.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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© 2015 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Juliette—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. Only one in the queue for next week. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins connecting the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Juliette sends a revised first chapter of The Destiny of the Drop of Heaven. An earlier version was submitted here. The first critique is here. The remainder is after the break.

Please vote. It helps the writer.

Strasbourg, 1585

Guillaume crossed the street and shuffled forward. Just a little bit farther, around the next bend.

The chanteur touched his scar, the edge damp with seepage. He wiped his eye, rather the indentation where his eyes used to be, and he shuddered. The sensation still filled him with revulsion. He considered donning his patch. No— papa might be more sympathetic if he sees my disfigurement.

The image of his childhood home filled his thoughts. His step became livelier as he turned the corner, but the sight of the flower boxes overflowing with weeds and the roses beside the front door overgrown and unkempt made him scowl. He tried the door, but found it locked. He heard talking around back and circled the house. “Mama? Papa?”

In the courtyard behind the house, where his mother kept a small vegetable patch, children he did not recognize played in an untended garden. The biggest boy ran toward him and abruptly stopped, screaming, “Mama, come quickly!”

A woman appeared at the back door, her dress shabby, her hair, stringy and matted. The boy shouted something inaudible and rushed to his mother, hid behind her skirts, and pointed toward Guillaume. The woman wiped the child’s face on her apron and pushed him toward the house. “Gather the children and go inside, hurry!”

This is little changed from the first submission—there has been some clarification. The last time I turned the page because there was good writing here, and the time and place were interesting. But I must be in a less patient mood today because I gave it an almost. There seems to be a glitch about whether or not he has both eyes, but that’s an easy fix. No, I think the “almost” comes because I’d like a stronger clue as to what the character wants and the stakes behind it. As it is, he seems to only seek approval, but is that all he needs here? There are still good story questions—what happened to his parents among them, but that’s not compelling. Notes:

Guillaume crossed the street and shuffled forward. Just a little bit farther, around the next bend.

The chanteur touched his scar, the edge damp with seepage. He wiped his eye, rather the indentation where his eye eyes used to be, and he shuddered. The sensation still filled him with revulsion. He considered donning his patch. No— papa might be more sympathetic if he sees my disfigurement.

The image of his childhood home filled his thoughts. His step became livelier as he turned the corner to his childhood home, but the sight of the flower boxes overflowing with weeds and the roses beside the front door overgrown and unkempt made him scowl. He tried the door, but found it locked. He heard talking around back and circled the house. “Mama? Papa?” There is passive writing that I think could be more active—for example, seeing something made him scowl. Instead, for example: He picked up his pace as he turned the corner to his childhood home, but then he scowled at flower boxes overflowing with weeds and the overgrown, unkempt roses by the front door.

In the courtyard behind the house, where his mother kept a small vegetable patch, children he did not recognize played in an untended garden. The biggest boy ran toward him and abruptly stopped, screaming, “Mama, come quickly!”

A woman appeared at the back door, her dress shabby, her hair, stringy and matted. The boy shouted something inaudible and rushed to his mother, hid behind her skirts, and pointed toward Guillaume. The woman wiped the child’s face on her apron and pushed him toward the house. “Gather the children and go inside, hurry!”

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Juliette

 

Flogometer for Isaiah—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. Only one in the queue for next week. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins connecting the reader with the character
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The character desires something.
• The character does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

Also, if you think about it, the same checklist should apply to the page where you introduce an antagonist.

---

Isaiah sends a first chapter of A Shadow Among Light . An earlier prologue/chapter version were submitted here. The remainder is after the break.

Please vote. It helps the writer.

Kavin spun and drew a lightbow, feeling the familiar vibration as the bow sent a charge into the arrow. The wiry fibers of the bowstring slid smoothly off of his gloved fingers as he released. Streaming wisps of white light, the arrow flew, screaming through the air. It smashed into a robotic sentry, and the bot vanished in a flash of burning plasma. Dropping to the ground and sliding, Kavin barreled into another sentry, stabbing it with a knife that pulsed with white light and destroyed the sentry as it fell. Springing up, he spun and cast a grenade into an approaching cyborg, and the creature vanished, vaporized.

The thrill of battle surged through Kavin’s veins as he sprinted forward, his feet flying past the scorched ground from the grenade. He drew his bow once again and took aim. Seconds later, his arrow smashed into a commanding officer – a human male. The man went down, his wound streaming white light and spraying blood. He didn’t rise.

Duck. The voice rang in Kavin’s mind, from beyond his own thoughts and knowledge, deep in his primal, instinctual existence. Kavin dropped, letting his legs fold beneath him. There was a roar as a rocket flew over his head and slammed into the massive doors ahead. As the heavy metal of the doors gave way, Kavin got back to his feet and faced the looming fortress ahead, surrounded in barren, bleak stone.

“Kavin!” A strong, masculine voice called from behind. Turning, Kavin faced the voice, (snip)

For me, a definite improvement over the first version—good work. Good action here, and a different world is being revealed by what happens instead of us being told about it. What’s happening was enough to get me to turn the page to find out what the fight was about. But the writing could still be crisper. Notes:

Kavin spun and drew a lightbow, feeling the familiar vibration the wiry fibers of the bowstring vibrating as the bow sent a charge into the arrow. The wiry fibers of the bowstring slid smoothly off of his gloved fingers as he He released and, streaming. Streaming wisps of white light, the arrow flew, screaming screamed through the air. It smashed into a A robotic sentry, and the bot vanished in a flash of burning plasma. Dropping to the ground and sliding, Kavin barreled into another sentry, stabbing it with a knife that pulsed with white light and destroyed the sentry as it fell. Springing up, he spun and cast a grenade into an approaching cyborg, and the creature vanished, vaporized. The edits are intended to tighten the narrative and add pace. In a tense action scene, shorter, stronger sentences help create the feeling of movement and action. The use of “feeling” is a filter that separates the reader from the character’s experience; just go there directly.

The thrill of battle surged through Kavin’s veins as he sprinted forward, his feet flying past the scorched ground from the grenade. He drew his bow once again and took aim. Seconds later, his arrow smashed into a commanding officer – a human male. The man went down, his wound streaming white light and spraying blood. He didn’t rise. More edits to tighten the narrative. I’m not all that happy with the part about the thrill of battle surging through veins. A bit of a cliché. Maybe show us: Kavin roared as he sprinted past the scorched ground from the grenade.

Duck. The voice rang in Kavin’s mind, from beyond his own thoughts and knowledge, deep in his primal, instinctual existence. Kavin dropped, letting his legs fold beneath him. There was a roar as a A rocket flew roared over his head and slammed into the massive doors ahead. As the heavy metal of the doors gave way, Kavin got back to his feet and faced the looming fortress ahead, surrounded in barren, bleak stone. Unless this deep instinctual voice happens again, I’m not all that convinced by it. I also wonder about a military operation that would fire a rocket through its own troops. Seems like a dumb thing to do. We get the idea of “dropped” without the overwriting of his legs folding beneath him. I understand that you’re working to visualize what’s happening for the reader, but readers are capable of “seeing” what’s going on without a lot of fine detail, especially in a battle.

“Kavin!” A strong, masculine voice called from behind. Turning, Kavin faced the voice, (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Isaiah

A view or two from a MFA teacher

I came across a post by a former MFA writing teacher that had, for me, interesting thoughts on the nature and abilities of writers as well as the value of MFA programs. The article is titled “Things I Can Say About MFA Writing Programs Now That I No Longer Teach in One.”

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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© 2015 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Gary—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist—Protagonist

• It begins connecting the reader with the protagonist
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The protagonist desires something.
• The protagonist does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist. Obviously, some items may not apply if you’re opening with an antagonist such as, let’s say, a serial killer.

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Gary sends a first chapter of a sequel to This Book Sucks, This Book Sucks Way Worse. The first book critique is here. The remainder is after the break.

Please vote. It helps the writer.

A rock fell out of the sky and landed on Thirteen-fifty Dixie Road, Cayman Islands. Headquarters for the biggest company on earth had been a mailbox, and the room’s secretary had been the only person who knew how the pieces fit together; may she rest in peace.

Mostly my twin sister and I just cashed our CEO checks and lived in an obscure Ohio mansion that took twenty minutes on a scooter to get from the Corinthian columns on the front porch to the back pool oasis. There, marble statues of naked women held fruit baskets and spouted water out of their finger tips.

A setup like ours took constant attention. Natalia thinks a pool plumber is still in the west wing somewhere, lost, maybe living off the mints that one of the maids keeps putting in bowls strategically placed in every room.

Anyway, the whole world had to sit around wearing respirators for three months, following the cosmic event. Sometimes I’d just stop in whatever room I’d gotten lost in, take a seat on a French chair and start yelling, “Oh my god, oh my god,” with the respirator off, breathing in tiny pieces of Caribbean sand. I’m pretty claustrophobic. Thank god the air cleared up and I could finally fix my makeup. My hair had always been black, so that didn’t change a whole lot.

Our next check came soon as the mailman visited on month four. It was from Tokyo and (snip)

The voice is fun and the writing fine (except “finger tips” should be one word). I think you have to be in the mood to go for this kind of tongue-through-cheek whimsy on voice alone if there isn’t a strong story hook in the beginning, and there wasn’t one for me. The world-shaking calamity mentioned seems to have passed and the negative consequences of not being able to do make-up are over, so the narrator doesn’t have a problem for the reader to watch her wrestle with.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Gary

Flogometer for Daniel—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins connecting the reader with the protagonist
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The protagonist desires something.
• The protagonist does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

---

Daniel sends a first chapter of a middle-grade novel, Hidden Treasure. The remainder is after the break.

Please vote. It helps the writer.

“Venezuela?”

Mum was trying to have a serious chat with my grandparents.

“Don’t worry, Noah,” she’d assured me. “We’re not ignoring you.”

Then they turned around to ignore me. Whilst pretending to watch TV, I listened to every single word of the amazing conversation that followed. Mum whispered at my grandparents through gritted teeth. “Are you insane? Why would you want to go to Venezuela?”

Grandpa Joe’s white beard was thick and bushy but he was completely bald. It looked like he’d put his head on upside-down. His yellow Hawaiian-style shirt was covered with parrots and palm trees while his shorts revealed a pair of wrinkled, veiny legs and the anchor tattoo on his right calf.

“Angel Falls,” he grinned, showing off his piano mouth, a few teeth missing. “The world’s tallest waterfall.”

Mum pouted in confusion. “You want to see Angel Falls?”

“No,” Granny Annie interrupted. Her white hair contrasted with her rosy cheeks and black sunglasses. Granny Annie always wore sunglasses (even at night). “We want to go down Angel Falls!” she smiled.

Mum turned around to send me psychic messages with her eyes. They’ve finally lost the (snip)

I definitely like the voice and the writing in this opening chapter, and there are interesting characters--but the opening narrative isn’t about the protagonist, which I assume is the unnamed kid. The story, at this point, is not about him/her, it’s about setting something up. I think you’ve started the story too soon. Get closer to the inciting event, the place where a problem for the protagonist first appears. Notes:

“Venezuela?”

Mum was trying to have a serious chat with my grandparents.

“Don’t worry, Noah,” she’d assured me. “We’re not ignoring you.”

Then they turned around to ignore me. Whilst pretending to watch TV, I listened to every single word of the amazing conversation that followed. Mum whispered at my grandparents through gritted teeth. “Are you insane? Why would you want to go to Venezuela?” Try whispering anything intelligible through gritted teeth. You won’t get something anyone would actually do. It’s obvious he/she keeps listening, so no need to tell us. If you did some basic, quick scene-setting, we would know where we are and that the television is on. So where are they? All in the TV room?

Grandpa Joe’s white beard was thick and bushy but he was completely bald. It looked like he’d put his head on upside-down. His yellow Hawaiian-style shirt was covered with parrots and palm trees while his shorts revealed a pair of wrinkled, veiny legs and the anchor tattoo on his right calf. A nice description of Grandpa, but is he going to be a continuing character (I hope so, I like him)? If not, I wouldn’t take up this much of first-page narrative with description.

“Angel Falls,” he grinned, showing off his piano mouth, a few teeth missing. “The world’s tallest waterfall.”

Mum pouted in confusion. “You want to see Angel Falls?”

“No,” Granny Annie interrupted. Her white hair contrasted with her rosy cheeks and black sunglasses. Granny Annie always wore sunglasses (even at night). “We want to go down Angel Falls!” she smiled.

Mum turned around to send me psychic messages with her eyes. They’ve finally lost the (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Daniel

Myths about romance readers

If you write romance novels, do you know who your reader is? What are the demographics of romance readers? All women? All love-starved? Author Maya Rodale addresses a list of common “understandings” about who and what romance readers are and corrects them in “Who Is the Romance Novel Reader?” It’s a fun and enlightening read.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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© 2015 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Elizabeth—are you compelled to turn the page?

Oops, I got caught up in working on an edit and forgot to post yesterday. Enjoy.

Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins connecting the reader with the protagonist
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The protagonist desires something.
• The protagonist does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

---

Elizabeth sends a revised first chapter of Masquerade, (formerly Ace, a YA novel. The original is here. The remainder is after the break.

Please vote. It helps the writer.

Two years ago I made a promise to myself. I would get out of this academy. I would die without its roof over my head.

I hop around my dorm, pulling on the leotard Ella sewed for me. There’s only two ways this morning will end. If I come first, I’ll be allowed to escape into the city outside. If I don’t, I’m stuck inside this prison for another year. I’m dancing for my freedom.

I throw on the cloak and the material falls silken over my shoulders. Ella did a good job with it.  She’s only ten and rubbish at performances, but a wonder with sewing. I can’t pick up a needle without pricking myself, so having her make costumes in return for dance lessons has been a good deal.

But I’ve always known Ella would’ve helped me, whether I gave her lessons or not. She used to have the dorm beside mine. I can’t count the nights she came in to hold my hand, while I screamed my head off about some nightmare or another. But these days the nightmares have faded, and Ella knows me better than anyone in the Institution. It isn’t something I’m proud of. Some of the students would kill their opponents for a chance of winning, so I don’t make a habit of trusting them.

I pull the hood low enough that my opponents won’t catch a look at me. To win (snip)

I do like Elizabeth’s voice for this character, and the writing flows nicely for the most part. But, for me, two things held back a page turn.  The first was a lack of tension caused by a lack of stakes. It’s clear that she wants desperately to get out of the academy/prison, but there are no troublesome consequences to failing. On the craft side, a pronoun without  its true antecedent caused total confusion in one paragraph, a real clarity issue. In reading on, there is a unique and interesting world here, and the promise of a good story. Keep working, you’ll get there.

Two years ago I made a promise to myself. I would get out of this academy. I would die without its roof over my head.

I hop around my dorm, pulling on the leotard Ella sewed for me. There’s only two ways this morning will end. If I come first, I’ll be allowed to escape into the city outside. If I don’t, I’m stuck inside this prison for another year. I’m dancing for my freedom. Not sure how to interpret “prison” here. First it’s an academy, then a prison. Is this just teenage angst, or is it a real prison, or is it an academy that is like a prison? What is she in the prison/academy for? Most importantly, what are the stakes for being stuck there for another year? If her problem is being kept in a school for a year, it doesn’t sound like a big problem. Need to include some stakes here.

I throw on the cloak and the material falls silken over my shoulders. Ella did a good job with it.  She’s only ten and rubbish at performances, but a wonder with sewing. I can’t pick up a needle without pricking myself, so having her make costumes in return for dance lessons has been a good deal.

But I’ve always known Ella would’ve helped me, whether I gave her lessons or not. She used to have the dorm beside mine. I can’t count the nights she came in to hold my hand, while I screamed my head off about some nightmare or another. But these days the nightmares have faded, and Ella knows me better than anyone in the Institution. It isn’t something I’m proud of. Some of the students would kill their opponents for a chance of winning, so I don’t make a habit of trusting them. The last two sentences didn’t make sense for me. Why is she not proud of Ella knowing her better than anyone? And the last sentence was a real non sequitur for me—what does her not being proud of knowing Ella have to do with students killing opponents? Is what she’s not  proud of trusting Ella? Not clear at all. The problem lies with the use of “It” at the beginning of the sentence—its antecedent lies in the sentence before it, but that, apparently, isn’t what was meant.

I pull the hood low enough that my opponents won’t catch a look at me. To win (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Elizabeth