Submissions Welcome. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Download a free PDF copy here.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
- It begins connecting the reader with the protagonist
- Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
- What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
- What happens moves the story forward.
- What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
- The protagonist desires something.
- The protagonist does something.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?
Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.
Daniel sends a first chapter of a middle-grade novel, Hidden Treasure. The remainder is after the break.
Please vote. It helps the writer.
“Venezuela?”
Mum was trying to have a serious chat with my grandparents.
“Don’t worry, Noah,” she’d assured me. “We’re not ignoring you.”
Then they turned around to ignore me. Whilst pretending to watch TV, I listened to every single word of the amazing conversation that followed. Mum whispered at my grandparents through gritted teeth. “Are you insane? Why would you want to go to Venezuela?”
Grandpa Joe’s white beard was thick and bushy but he was completely bald. It looked like he’d put his head on upside-down. His yellow Hawaiian-style shirt was covered with parrots and palm trees while his shorts revealed a pair of wrinkled, veiny legs and the anchor tattoo on his right calf.
“Angel Falls,” he grinned, showing off his piano mouth, a few teeth missing. “The world’s tallest waterfall.”
Mum pouted in confusion. “You want to see Angel Falls?”
“No,” Granny Annie interrupted. Her white hair contrasted with her rosy cheeks and black sunglasses. Granny Annie always wore sunglasses (even at night). “We want to go down Angel Falls!” she smiled.
Mum turned around to send me psychic messages with her eyes. They’ve finally lost the (snip)
I definitely like the voice and the writing in this opening chapter, and there are interesting characters--but the opening narrative isn’t about the protagonist, which I assume is the unnamed kid. The story, at this point, is not about him/her, it’s about setting something up. I think you’ve started the story too soon. Get closer to the inciting event, the place where a problem for the protagonist first appears. Notes:
“Venezuela?”
Mum was trying to have a serious chat with my grandparents.
“Don’t worry, Noah,” she’d assured me. “We’re not ignoring you.”
Then they turned around to ignore me. Whilst pretending to watch TV, I listened to every single word of the amazing conversation that followed. Mum whispered at my grandparents through gritted teeth. “Are you insane? Why would you want to go to Venezuela?” Try whispering anything intelligible through gritted teeth. You won’t get something anyone would actually do. It’s obvious he/she keeps listening, so no need to tell us. If you did some basic, quick scene-setting, we would know where we are and that the television is on. So where are they? All in the TV room?
Grandpa Joe’s white beard was thick and bushy but he was completely bald. It looked like he’d put his head on upside-down. His yellow Hawaiian-style shirt was covered with parrots and palm trees while his shorts revealed a pair of wrinkled, veiny legs and the anchor tattoo on his right calf. A nice description of Grandpa, but is he going to be a continuing character (I hope so, I like him)? If not, I wouldn’t take up this much of first-page narrative with description.
“Angel Falls,” he grinned, showing off his piano mouth, a few teeth missing. “The world’s tallest waterfall.”
Mum pouted in confusion. “You want to see Angel Falls?”
“No,” Granny Annie interrupted. Her white hair contrasted with her rosy cheeks and black sunglasses. Granny Annie always wore sunglasses (even at night). “We want to go down Angel Falls!” she smiled.
Mum turned around to send me psychic messages with her eyes. They’ve finally lost the (snip)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Daniel
Continued
. . . plot, Noah! Time to send them to the nuthouse! I nodded. Message received loud and clear.
“If you jump down Angel Falls,” Mum barked. “You will die! Game over! Full stop. The End.”
Grandpa Joe grinned one of his cheeky, toothless grins. The wrinkles around his eyes gave him a permanently happy face. “We’ll be perfectly safe,” he smiled. “Because... we’ll be… in a barrell!”
Mum’s mouth opened wide, confusion slapped across her face. “This is ridiculous! It’s worse than when you wanted to bungee off Big Ben! Why would you want to go down Angel Falls in a barrel?”
Granny Annie, wearing a long, red dress, smiled before speaking.
“Life is an adventure. We should create special stories and magical memories. If we were meant to do the same things over and over again, we’d have been born as sheep. Sleep, eat grass, repeat. We’re sixty seven years old and we still haven’t been on a blinkin’ aeroplane. We don’t have long left and we want to fill our time with amazing experiences.”
Life is an adventure? I liked the sound of that!
Mum frowned, spreading her hands wide. “Okay, you want to go on an aeroplane because you’ve never done it before. I accept that. But why Venezuela? Why do you need to go down the world’s biggest waterfall in a barrel? Why can’t you just go to… Benidorm?”
My grandparents then exchanged a quick glance. A hidden message.
“We can go wherever we want,” said Granny Annie. “And we want to go to Angel Falls.”
“You’re not going to Venezuela!” Mum yelled.
“It’s going to happen,” said Granny Annie softly. She tapped the side of her sunglasses. “I’ve seen it in the meat!”
Mum sighed heavily. “Not this again!”
Granny Annie was an eccentric lady who believed in the mystical world of fortune telling, trickery and voodoo. Her particular talent - so she claimed - was that she could see the future by looking into joints of red meat. Many times, I’d arrived at their bungalow and found her in the kitchen, staring into a slice of frying steak.
“How can you afford it?” Mum asked anxiously. “You can barely pay your bills with those measly pensions. You can’t afford return flights to Venezuela.”
Grandpa Joe’s stubborn grin never budged an inch. “We have a plan.”