Submissions Wanted... If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Download a free PDF copy here.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
- It begins connecting the reader with the protagonist
- Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
- What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
- What happens moves the story forward.
- What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
- The protagonist desires something.
- The protagonist does something.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?
Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.
Jacob sends the first chapter of The Freerunners. The remainder of the chapter is after the break.
Noah’s luck had finally run out. Normally, his charm, good looks and quick wit was enough to get him out of trouble. He definitely had an undeniable way with people, a sly con man making a living through the efforts of those around him. Which made it all the more interesting when he had the ‘accident’ with Willy Butler. Of course, no one else saw it as an accident. It certainly wasn’t easy for Noah to explain either, considering how difficult it is to grind a skateboard backwards along a 10-meter handrail.
And he never had any intention of tumbling off the end into a very upset Miss Castello. Whilst this in itself might not have been so bad, it unfortunately led to Miss Castello spilling her microwaved tomato soup all over the person she happened to be talking with. That, of course, is where our good lad Willy comes in. You know, your typical schoolyard big fella, 6 foot 6, dad owns the local gym kinda guy. Not someone you wanna mess with. Willy looked across at the culprit, his shirt stained like a bloody wound had sprouted from his chest, a dark gleam in his eye. Nope. Definitely not someone you wanna mess with.
“Come ‘ere, ya bloomin’ tosser,” Willy’s coarse vocabulary rumbled across the dead quiet courtyard. He made a desperate lunge for Noah, but he wasn’t quick enough to dodge the boot that collided with his front teeth. And that is where Cody Blackwood is introduced, Noah’s brother and best friend. Often mixed up with his bloodline, he too shared his brother’s blonde (snip)
Well, it seems that conflict is on the way, but there were craft issues that stopped me. There’s some sort of omniscient narrator who steps in to introduce characters, and there were clarity issues as well—see the notes for the boot and the teeth part. The narrator seems to go away in the rest of the chapter. I think whatever it is you are trying for with this narrator isn’t working as well as you’d like it to. I suggest you just deal with what’s happening. Notes:
Noah’s luck had finally run out. Normally, his charm, good looks and quick wit was were enough to get him out of trouble. He definitely had an undeniable way with people, a sly con man making a living through the efforts of those around him. Which made it all the more interesting when he had the ‘accident’ with Willy Butler. Of course, no one else saw it as an accident. It certainly wasn’t easy for Noah to explain either, considering how difficult it is to grind a skateboard backwards along a 10-meter handrail. I wouldn’t say “con man” as it leads to thinking of the character as a man, not a boy. Con artist would work. The logic of the last couple of sentences eludes me. If it is difficult to grind the skateboard, then it would be difficult to control, which would make what follows more likely to be an accident than not.
And he never had any intention of tumbling off the end into a very upset Miss Castello. Whilst this in itself might not have been so bad, it unfortunately led to Miss Castello spilling her microwaved tomato soup all over the person she happened to be talking with. That, of course, is where our good lad Willy comes in. You know, your typical schoolyard big fella, 6 foot 6, dad owns the local gym kinda guy. Not someone you wanna mess with. Willy looked across at the culprit, his shirt stained like a bloody wound had sprouted from his chest, a dark gleam in his eye. Nope. Definitely not someone you wanna mess with. I’m a little confused about who or what or where the narrator is. It seems to be an omniscient someone who knows what’s going on and would decide to say”that is where. . . our good lad Willy comes in.” This is not Noah or, as nearly as I can tell, anyone present at the scene.
“Come ‘ere, ya bloomin’ tosser,” Willy’s coarse vocabulary rumbled across the dead quiet courtyard. He made a desperate lunge for Noah, but he wasn’t quick enough to dodge the boot that collided with his front teeth. And that is where Cody Blackwood is introduced, Noah’s brother and best friend. Often mixed up with his bloodline, he too shared his brother’s blonde (snip) Some confusion here about the front teeth—the pronoun in “but he wasn’t quick enough” could refer to Noah, the last person named, or perhaps Will. Unclear. Even more unclear is where a boot colliding with teeth comes from. It’s that narrator again, who goes on to say “where Cody Blackwood is introduced.” Why not just show the action? I can’t see a reason to tell us that Cody is being introduced. And to whom? I guess the reader, since it seems clear from later narrative that Will would know the brother of Noah. This technique took this reader out of the story. Lastly, what does "often mixed up with his bloodline" mean in reference to a brother? Clarity issues.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Jacob
Continued
hair and tanned skin. Unfortunately, aside from an impressive talent for troublemaking, that’s about as far as the similarities went for Cody and Noah. Confident and daring, he was one of the coolest guys around, having an easygoing nature with a daredevil’s spirit. A natural athlete, Cody spent more time running from police then on any track race at school. That’s the way things went in Groveville. Known as the Slums by locals to the area, Groveville used to be the pinnacle of civilization, before the war that ruined a once glorious city. Now it was just a breeding place for thugs like the Butlers.
“Come get some you muppet!” Cody and Noah had to think fast. Looking across the schoolyard, students were already making way, looking forward to the chase that was sure to ensue. Stuff like this went down in school legend, and no one wanted to miss out. After knowingly looking at each other, the two brothers tore off to cheers from the crowd, Willy in wild pursuit. A teacher tried to stop the chase, but the wave of students had already swallowed them up.
“Hey Mum,” there was Cody on the phone. “Yeah, nothing too major but you might wanna come down as soon as you can.” Cody hung up the phone and looked across at Noah. “She’s gonna be here ASAP,” he panted between breaths. ‘You are done mate!” they heard the catcalls from their fellow students. Noah glanced back; Andre’s was already hounding him down, his face contorted with pure rage. “I’m not sure ASAP is gonna be soon enough.”
Hurdling like madmen, Cody and Noah dashed across the school towards the carpark. This was not the first time they had been chased before, and so they leapt over ledges and across staircases with relative ease. Willy, however, was not nearly as smooth as Noah or Cody at traversing the busy school, resorting to a battering ram style method in order to keep pace with the two brothers. He gnashed his teeth like a lion in anticipation of an upcoming kill, hunting its prey with merciless abandon.
As they sped through the corridors, Noah realised they were soon running out of options. He knew this hallway was a dead end, and Willy seemed to know it to, increasing his pace to a level quite unexpected for a person of his height. The panic started to set in for Noah. He’d never been in so much trouble, not too mention the beating he’d have to endure from Willy and his cronies. Cody would always have his back, but even he wouldn’t be able to protect his brother from Willy’s gang. No one else would lift a finger of course, not even teachers. That’s the way things went in Groveville. Noah looked across at his brother, expecting to see a similar frown of concern. “It’s over mate,” Noah said, slowing down as he came to terms with the situation. It surprised him then, to see a crafty smile sprout from his face. Cody looked back at his brother, his smile ever increasing. And amidst all the chaos, the shouting and the abuse, he whispered “Look up.”
Noah’s jaw dropped. Any one could have been standing inside that window. A friendly teacher, a fireman, perhaps even a cop. Yet no other then his very own mother, Saline, stood above him, a rope snaked around her arms. He blinked a few times, trying to come to terms with this new reality. He should have expected it really, considering Cody had called her earlier. He just couldn’t believe that she had actually come through for them. Her dark hair was still up in a bun, her hands dirty from hours slaving away on the farm. It was unfortunate it had to be like that since Noah and Cody’s father had died in the war, and they had tried to convince her many times that school was not important and that they would quit to help her manage the land. She would have none of it, however, telling them they would be the first Blackwoods to get an education. “You wanna spend your life toiling away in the soil,” she often said to them, her hardened yet delicate hands caressing their heads. She looked worried as she gazed down from her vantage point, before throwing the rope out of window. At first Noah was a bit confused, but Cody took the hint and launched himself upwards, climbing it with extreme speed and precision. Noah turned around. Willy was only 20 metres away, parting students left right and centre. “Come on!” the shout came down from Cody, peering over the window, its open doors swaying to the tune of the breeze.
Not wasting any time, Noah hauled himself up the rope, which was made twice as hard due to his grazed hands from his earlier stack. He didn’t want to look weak however; there were still tonnes of people watching on, so he drove on through the pain, gritting his teeth as he pushed his muscles harder. With a final lunge for safety, he just managed to grab the windowsill, using the rope to balance himself whilst Saline’s strong arms wrapped around him. He could have stayed in her embrace forever, memories of his childhood flooding over him as he remembered back before the war, and all the rubbish that came with it, when his mother used to hold him like that. It didn’t last though, as he was heaved back to his senses when a foreign hand gripped ruthlessly around his foot. He stumbled, losing grip of the windowsill as Willy managed to get another hand bound around his ankles. Now only Saline’s dwindling reserves of strength kept him alive. A drop from there could be fatal, with roughly 6 metres separating him from the embrace of the merciless concrete floor. Noah looked up at his mother, her eyes swelling with tears. He wished he could say something to comfort her, as she had done so many times. Nothing came out though. All he could do was smile as he let go of her loving arms…