Submissions Wanted. . If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Download a free PDF copy here.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
- It begins connecting the reader with the protagonist
- Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
- What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
- What happens moves the story forward.
- What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
- The protagonist desires something.
- The protagonist does something.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?
Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.
Tara sends the first chapter of The Lonely Town of Mez, a science fiction story. The rest of the chapter is after the break.
“I can feel it moving...underneath the ground.” Vas said, looking up as Penny put pressure on the puncture wound under his rib cage.
“Shut up.” Penny urged between clenched teeth, her eyes darting back in fourth in the dark.
“They’re going to come back, we’re all going to die.” Vas continued.
“Shut up.”
“We’re all going to die here.”
“Shut up!” She said, her voice trembling as Vas’s blood seeped into the cuffs of her shirt. She looked down at him, the reflection of the moons highlighting the tears welling in his eyes. “We are going to get out of here, you just need to keep quiet.” Her tone softened.
As the others came back, she felt the ground violently shake beneath them, and became blinded by two bright white lights quickly traveling towards them.
But that was later.
Earlier that week, Penny woke up face down in a patch of dewy grass. She raised herself slowly up onto her elbows and looked around to find she was alone, and in a cemetery. Growing up, there was a cemetery that backed up to the edge of the woods in the house where she grew up. She used to take friends back there and act out stories and investigate the grounds for clues of (snip)
Starting with action and danger to one of the characters was good . . . but then we slipped into backstory (that might have been the place to start). That, along with some writing hiccups, kept me from turning the page. The chapter, however, goes on to an interesting scenario that could work with some rewriting and editing. There's a promising story there to be told. Notes;
“I can feel it moving...underneath the ground.” Vas said, looking up as Penny put pressure on the puncture wound under his rib cage. Set the scene. We don’t know where we are.
“Shut up,” Penny urged between clenched teeth, her eyes darting back and forth in fourth in the dark. Eyes don’t dart around, gazes do. And give the action to the person. More simply, for example: Penny urge as she searched the darkness for danger. Also, try saying words through clenched teeth—while it’s possible, no normal person would do that.
“They’re going to come back, we’re all going to die.” Vas continued.
“Shut up.”
“We’re all going to die here.”
“Shut up!” She said, her voice trembling as Vas’s blood seeped into the cuffs of her shirt. She looked down at him, the reflection of the moons highlighting the tears welling in his eyes. “We are going to get out of here, you just need to keep quiet.” Her tone softened. Your use of “moons” was a good way to help set the scene as otherworldly.
As the others came back, she felt the ground shook violently shake beneath them, and became blinded by two bright white lights quickly traveling towards them blinded her. Use of “felt” is a filter, just go with the action as she experiences it. and the second half was pretty passive. Keep action active. Use of the adverb (quickly traveling) is weak, look for a strong verb; for example, zoomed, or flashed, etc.
But that was later.
Earlier that week, Penny woke up face down in a patch of dewy grass. She raised herself slowly up onto her elbows and looked around to find she was alone, and in a cemetery. Growing up, there had been was a cemetery that backed up to the edge of the woods in the house where she grew up. She used to take friends back there and act out stories and investigate the grounds for clues of (snip) The first page is NEVER a good time to slip into a flashback, in my view. More than that, this awakening in the cemetery seems to be the inciting incident. I’d look for a way to start there but build more tension into the scene.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Tara
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