Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Christopher—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Wanted... If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins connecting the reader with the protagonist
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The protagonist desires something.
• The protagonist does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

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Christopher sends a revision of the first chapter of an untitled YA fantasy. The remainder of the chapter is after the break.

The front door crashed open, waking me up way before it was time to get ready for my morning lessons.

“Bring him in,” my mother yelled from outside.

Footfalls rushed into the house and from the handful of hurried voices, I only recognized two: my mother’s and Daylan’s. My parents had been above ground defending two supply shipments from Tormelin. The villages waiting for these supplies had already lost their first wagons of goods to thieves. A group calling themselves the Underground claimed responsibility for the thefts and my parents had gone personally to make sure the supplies safely reached their destinations.

I sat up, listening for my father’s voice, but I couldn’t hear him amongst the others. Since my father didn’t send his generals to defend the shipments, I knew the Underground was a bigger threat than they were telling me.

I still couldn’t hear him. Something was wrong. Footsteps raced past my door toward my parents’ bedchamber. Guessing he’d been attacked, I jumped out of bed. My clothes from yesterday were still on the floor. I threw them on and ran out.

My mother wrenched her chamber doors open and two people I’d never seen carried my father into the room. His eyes were closed and he wasn’t moving.

This opening cooks up good story questions with a good voice. I’m going to turn the page, but first a few notes—I think the narrative could be a little crisper. We do, however, get a good deal of information woven in with what’s happening in an economical way. Caution, Christopher—there are typos and errors in the chapter such as “firs” instead of “furs” and “you’re” instead of “your” that should not have been sent out.

The front door crashed open, waking me up way before it was time to get ready for my morning lessons.

“Bring him in,” my mother yelled from outside.

Footfalls rushed into the house and, from the handful of the hurried voices, I only recognized two: my mother’s and Daylan’s. My parents had been above ground defending two supply shipments from Tormelin. The villages waiting for these supplies them had already lost their first wagons of goods to thieves. A group calling themselves the Underground claimed responsibility for the thefts and my parents had gone personally to make sure the supplies safely reached their destinations.

I sat up, listening listened for my father’s voice, but I couldn’t hear him amongst the others. Since he my father didn’t send hadn’t sent his generals to defend the shipments, I knew the Underground was a bigger threat than they were telling me.

I still couldn’t hear him. Something was wrong. Footsteps raced past my door toward my parents’ bedchamber. Guessing he’d been attacked, I jumped out of bed. My clothes from yesterday were still on the floor--I threw them on and ran out. You’re doing a little “telling” here (something was wrong). You don’t have to include speculation and getting out of bed, just stay with the action and show the reader that something is wrong—he clearly thinks that or he wouldn’t dress and run out the door.

My mother wrenched her chamber doors open and two people I’d never seen carried my father into the room. His eyes were closed and he wasn’t moving. Good strong hook. Trimming the above will allow more of the action on the first page.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Christopher

Flogometer for Anikó—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Wanted... If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins connecting the reader with the protagonist
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The protagonist desires something.
• The protagonist does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

---

Anikó sends a revision of the first chapter of The Water Still Rules . The first version is here. The remainder of the chapter is after the break.

Sweaty hands catch my wrist, and I curse myself for taking the easy way and coming to the market. The crowd is ideal for getting lost in after bumping into my victims, and vanishing with whatever their pockets hold, but the merchants - like the one holding on to me - do tend to get nosy. A man passes me by, carrying an ugly-faced barracuda bigger than my upper body thrown over his shoulder and waves at the merchant holding on to me. I flinch as the smell of the fish reaches my nostrils.

A raspy voice calls from behind, “What’s the hurry, girl?”

I sigh, one last look at the forest that I was going to vanish into, and pull the hood of my cape lower into my face to turn back towards the merchant. I can barely see for a second with the sun right behind him, but I narrow my eyes, so I can make out his perfectly pale face. He smiles, revealing his yellow teeth, and I tug on my hand one last time in vain. His meaty fingers hold me tight. My eyes fall on the girl standing behind him with chains on her neck and wrists. Her copper skin stained with sweat and dirt is identical to mine. One look at her reminds me why I have to hide day after day, and I pull my cape with my free hand even tighter.

I painted my face and hands white, but my craft leaves something to be desired, and with the sun burning through my dark cape, I must have sweated most of it off. I don’t want to (snip)

Once again I like the writing and voice here. For me, this opening page is considerably stronger than Anikó’s first version. While there is enough of a hint of trouble to come for me to turn the page, it was a close call—for me, there was too much time spent on ambiance and not enough on things happening to the character. To that end, following the notes that follow is an alternate opening crafted from the initial narrative with some editorial work. See what you think—there’s another poll, and your comments are welcome.

One note of advice to Anikó: after reading through the chapter, I think you should take a look at my post on filters; you have a habit of using them, and they slow your narrative and distance the reader. That post is here, and it’s based on a chapter from Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Sweaty hands catch my wrist, and I curse myself for taking the easy way and coming to the market. The crowd is ideal for getting lost in after bumping into my victims, and vanishing with whatever their pockets hold, but the merchants - like the one holding on to me - do tend to get nosy. A man passes me by, carrying an ugly-faced barracuda bigger than my upper body thrown over his shoulder and waves at the merchant holding on to me. I flinch as the smell of the fish reaches my nostrils. The fish etc. just isn’t needed and has no impact on the story.

A raspy voice calls from behind, “What’s the hurry, girl?”

I sigh, one last look at the forest that I was going to vanish into, and pull the hood of my cape lower into my face to turn back towards to the merchant. I can barely see for a second with the sun right behind him, but I narrow my eyes, so I can make out his perfectly pale face. He smiles, revealing his yellow teeth in a perfectly pale face, and I tug on my hand one last time in vain. His meaty fingers hold me tight. My eyes fall on the girl standing A girl stands behind him with chains on her neck and wrists. Her copper skin, stained with sweat and dirt, is identical to mine. One look at her reminds me why I have to hide day after day, and I pull the hood of my cape tighter with my free hand even tighter. The use of “my eyes” in this way is what I call a “body part” filter that not only has a body part getting in the way of showing the character’s experience.

I had painted my face and hands white, but, my craft leaves something to be desired, and with the sun burning through my dark cape, I must have sweated most of it off. I don’t want to (snip)

Here’s an alternative, followed by a new poll:

Sweaty hands catch my wrist, and I curse myself for taking the easy way and coming to the market. The crowd is ideal for getting lost in after bumping into my victims and vanishing with whatever their pockets hold, but the merchants do tend to get nosy.

A raspy voice calls from behind, “What’s the hurry, girl?”

I sigh, one last look at the forest that I was going to vanish into, and turn to the merchant. He smiles, revealing yellow teeth in a perfectly pale face. His meaty fingers hold me tight. A girl stands behind him with chains on her neck and wrists. Her copper skin, stained with sweat and dirt, is identical to mine. One look at her reminds me why I have to hide day after day, and I pull the hood of my cape tighter with my free hand. I had painted my face and hands white but, with the sun burning through my dark cape, I must have sweated most of it off.

 “Please let me go, sir,” I plead in a small voice. I don’t have much experience in sounding like a desperate little girl, but I hope he’ll buy my act. “My mother is sick, she needs her medicine.” I show the small bag in my right hand containing the harvest of today’s pickpocket spree, and hope for his sake that he doesn’t insist on opening it. He narrows his eyes at me, and I put the bag back into my pocket to have a hand free to slide over the small knife strapped onto my thigh.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Anikó

What makes a story “high-concept?”

In an article titled Write Better: The 7 Qualities of High-Concept Stories, Jeff Lyons, a story editor, outlines the aspects that help a story fit the notion of “high-concept” whether for film or a book. The qualities he lists are:

1. High level of entertainment value
2. High degree of originality
3. Born from a “what if” question
4. Highly visual
5. Clear emotional focus
6. Inclusion of some truly unique element
7. Mass audience appeal

Check out what he means with each of these things here.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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© 2015 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Joe—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Wanted. Only one in the queue for next week. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins connecting the reader with the protagonist
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The protagonist desires something.
• The protagonist does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

---

Joe sends the first chapter of The Door in the River , a middle grade fantasy. The remainder of the chapter is after the break.

The dark storage loft on the top floor of the old apartment building didn’t want him there, and it was doing everything it could to betray him. A loose floorboard groaned under his foot. Oscar cringed. Any louder would wake the dead. And if Aunt Lill found out where he was, he would probably be joining them. He didn’t want to go behind her back, but he had to find the small cloth bag that had belonged to his mom. Maybe then the dreams would finally stop.

He kept the flashlight clamped between his teeth, silently prying open each cardboard moving box. He stopped when he came to one labeled: Diane’s things – do not throw away. The bag would be in there. But there would be memories too. Memories he didn’t want. He bit his lip. It didn’t matter. He had come too far.

The bag was wedged between his mom’s jewelry case and the photos she had kept on her dresser. He made sure he didn’t look at the pictures.

“Who’s up there?” a voice shouted from below.

Oscar froze. He fumbled for the flashlight button. The voice sounded like Mr. McToabert, the building supervisor.

Oscar waited in the dark, holding his breath. Getting caught now would be worse than if he hadn’t found the courage to come up here in the first place.

Good writing, clear voice, and story questions raised. But do they rise to the level of compelling? Not being a middle-grade reader, I’m not sure if it would be for him or her. For me it was an “almost.” Perhaps it’s the lack of stakes or lack of a clear problem—but I’m sure that can be dealt with. Later in the chapter a boy’s face appears through an unusual window, and then something threatening appears. If possible, I’d get to that sooner. Perhaps right after he finds the bag he sees the window and things start happening. Trim a little of this opening page and see if it’s possible—you can skip a lot of the later description about the floor in the storage space, etc. Notes:

The dark storage loft on the top floor of the old apartment building didn’t want him there, and it was doing everything it could to betray him. A loose floorboard groaned under his foot. Oscar cringed. Any louder would wake the dead. And if Aunt Lill found out where he was, he would probably be joining them. He didn’t want to go behind her back, but But he had to find the small cloth bag that had belonged to his mom. Maybe then the dreams would finally stop. It’s implied that the dreams are not pleasant, otherwise why would he want them to stop. But, as it is, this vague reference is a waste of words—knowing nothing about the dreams renders the reference meaningless. I suggest you add something that clues us in as to either the nature of the dreams or the effect they have on Oscar. Give us a little character meat to chew on.

He kept the flashlight clamped between his teeth, silently prying open each cardboard moving box. He stopped when he came to one labeled: Diane’s things – do not throw away. The bag would be in there. But there would be memories, too. Memories he didn’t want. He bit his lip. It didn’t matter. He had come too far.

The bag was wedged between his mom’s jewelry case and the photos she had kept on her dresser. He made sure he didn’t look at the pictures.

“Who’s up there?” a voice shouted from below.

Oscar froze. He fumbled for the flashlight button. The voice sounded like Mr. McToabert, the building supervisor.

Oscar waited in the dark, holding his breath. Getting caught now would be worse than if he hadn’t found the courage to come up here in the first place. Why would it be worse? This is an opportunity to add some consequences to his actions and increase tension. What would happen to him? Is it bad? Or just some form of punishment?

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Joe

Flogometer for Christine—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Wanted. . If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins connecting the reader with the protagonist
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The protagonist desires something.
• The protagonist does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

---

Christine sends the first chapter of Echoes in the Rain. The remainder of the chapter is after the break.

"Do you hate him; do you sometimes wish he was dead?” At first, my daughter’s eyes were elusive, but then her eyes locked in and she looked deeply into mine, waiting for a response.

 Those words kept playing in my head. How am I supposed to respond to that question? Yes, I wanted to scream out loud, "Yes! I wish he was out of my life and that we had never met. I knew better than to unload on my daughter like that.

Why did she ask that question today - of all days? Every February, we take a day off to attend the Québec City Winter Carnival, Carnaval D ’hiver de Québec. This would be our last time because Céleste would be graduating from high school this year.

“Céleste, be careful,” I cautioned. The streets in the Old Champlain quarter were covered with ice. In my thirty-nine years living here I never tired of the old city and its ambiance which always transported me back in time. Echoes of old Europe, or at least my image of it. Québec is one of the few cities in North America that still boasts of the old wall fortifications that originally surrounded the city. “Ma chérie, you are going too fast! It is slippery” I warned again. Visions of her 5’2” frame falling flat on the ice haunted me. Being a hovering mother was my downfall; one in which I would probably never overcome. I’ll would never stop protecting her.

For this reader, the first page is not the place to narrate feelings about a city (unless they bear on what happens, and it doesn’t). While this opening does establish the characters and their relationship, what it doesn’t do is make me wonder what will  happen next. The opening paragraph is a pretty good hook, but then we detour off into musing. No real story question, no jeopardy ahead. One little note—it’s not a good idea to send your work out into the world with a grammatical error such as “I’ll would” in it. Proofread mercilessly.

Much of what follows in the chapter is setup. We finally get to a violent scene and the story picks up. But still there’s a lot of setup. So I took what I felt was truly dramatic, story-raising stuff toward the end of the chapter and edited it down to create what might be a stronger opening page. It needs work, but see what you think and give a vote. The rest of the original chapter follows the fold.

Celeste was curled up in a fetal position at the corner of her bed. It broke my heart to see my child in such anguish. “Céleste! Get those suitcases out and fill them as quick as you can. We are going to leave tonight.”

Her expression was a collage of fear, hurt and anger. She opened the closet door and pulled out the suitcases.

 “Going somewhere?” I froze when I heard his voice behind me.

 I straightened and faced him. “We are leaving you! You are an animal. What kind of a savage behaves the way you do? It will be over my dead body that you hurt Céleste again.”

He pounded his fist against the wall. “I call the shots around here.” His voice filled with splinters. “You don’t leave unless I say so…and I don’t say so. You belong to me!”

He had something in his other hand. How pathetic was he, not able to bear being without his precious beer. But it was not a beer. I wanted so desperately for it to be a beer. It was a gun!

A scream choked in my throat. All I could think was that I had to get Céleste out of there. I spread my arms to shield her. I edged her towards the door.

“Get out of here!” I begged Céleste. “Just get out of here.”

Her father wrapped his fingers around the trigger of the gun and took aim at me. “If I can’t have you, no one will.” The gun went off.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Christine

A communication question for you

The other day I was listening to a news item on the radio and this number was cited: 500 million. It struck me that “1/2 billion” was the same.

But is it? Do they communicate the same thing?

For me, one expression “feels” like a larger amount even though, mathematically speaking, they are identical. What about you? Give your answer in the poll.

Do you have a similar communication issue that you can mention in comments?

My answer: because a “billion” is a hugely larger number than a “million,” for some reason ½ billion feels like the larger of the two.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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© 2015 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for A.J.—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Wanted. . If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins connecting the reader with the protagonist
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The protagonist desires something.
• The protagonist does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

---

A.J. sends the first chapter of The Aurora . The remainder of the chapter is after the break. Note: British spelling/world.

The slums of N’Kori City were all but abandoned. A few months ago, a particularly nasty strain of the Qintom Flu had killed most of the residents that hadn’t been able to flee and those that remained didn’t seem much better off than the dead. Kyros hated to see it. N’Qaen had been one of the first worlds his people had colonized after they left the home-world. Traces of ornate Albyrian architecture could still be spotted under the clumsy repairs on the buildings. They kept them standing - mostly - but they did nothing to improve the scenery. The rest of N’Qaen wasn’t this bad, of course. Some of the planet was downright opulent and even the outlying parts of N’Kori City were pleasant, but Kyros rarely seemed to find himself in those sorts of places.

To his left, Dr. Ila Tesni shivered and moved closer to him. “I’m cold,” she whispered, glaring up at him with her vibrant gold and green eyes. As a Syadyr, Ila had difficulty regulating her body temperature in colder climates, and late autumn nights in N’Kori got very cold.

“Sorry,” Kyros murmured, letting her lean on him and attempt to steal his warmth. “Do you want my jacket?”

Ila glanced at his worn leather jacket with a thoughtful look on her face. “No thanks,” she said after a moment. “If I wanted a coat, I’d have worn my own. Just gets in the way of my work.”

“Then stop whining,” Caeto said from Ila’s left. The small hacker glanced at Ila and (snip)

The writing is sound enough but, for me, not much in the way of a story question came up. While science fiction does need to build a world, spending so much time on it in the first paragraph didn’t help me--and I'm a science fiction fan. Set the scene, sure, but just letting us know that we were in a slum on a non-Earth world would have done it. I also had a problem with so many names and terms being thrown at me—N’Kori City, Qintom Flu, Kyros, N’Qaen, Albyrian, Ila Tesni, Syadyr, and Caeto. Too much too soon. Simplify. Keep the story focused on what’s happening to the primary character. You have a team of people, but slow down the introduction of the members. And, if it’s possible, get rid of some of them. How many do you need?

There is some cool stuff that happens later, but I wouldn’t have gotten to it because, in this opening, the only thing that happens is that a character muses on the state of the city and another character is cold. I am reading a book about storytelling right now and the author said this: you don’t have a story until something goes wrong. In this opening, there’s no hint of the possibility of a problem ahead.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 A.J.

Flogometer for Daniel—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Wanted. . If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins connecting the reader with the protagonist
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The protagonist desires something.
• The protagonist does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

---

Daniel sends the first chapter of I Am Not a Jellyfish!, a middle grade story. The remainder of the chapter is after the break. Note: British spelling/world.

Why don’t you just run, Trent? I asked myself.Somewhere, anywhere! The boys toilet seemed like the best destination. Heavens knows, I needed it! There had been a sickly churning in my gut ever since I arrived at school that morning. The butterflies in my tummy must have been earning excellent money because they were certainly working overtime. I didn’t want to go into Mr Graham’s class. I couldn’t face it. Why couldn’t it be the weekend already? If it had been a Saturday, I would still be in my Superman pyjamas with a bowl of Chocco Pops, staring in amazement as the milk turned all brown and chocolatey. And I wouldn’t have had to face the torture of a morning in Mr Graham’s class.

I knew that everyone else was there, waiting outside class, but I kept to myself. My head was going fuzzy and the lights were beginning to blur. I could feel my skin getting clammy. It started with the palms of my hands - moist but cold. Then it was the armpits. I silently prayed that none of the girls would notice my damp shirt. It was only 8:57 and my armpits were wet through already. I also prayed that the sweat wouldn’t stink. The last thing I needed was a reputation as the smelly kid in school. My back was sweaty too… and my bum! As if Mr Graham’s class wasn’t going to be bad enough - I now had wet pants!

“Good morning, Trent!” said Kayden Oliver, disturbing my train of panic. “You ok, squire?”

The writing is clean and the voice fine. There is certainly tension in the character, sweaty gobs of it—but, at the end of the page, there wasn’t much in me. There’s a story question—why does he not want to go to class, and I there are consequences and stakes (looking foolish) but I didn’t find learning what he feared from a class wasn’t a compelling question for me. It might be for a child, but I wonder.

It turns out that he fears being called upon to read aloud from a Harry Potter novel, which he hates. Now, if that had been on the first page, I think I would have been more motivated. I would be curious why a school boy would hate Harry Potter. I would spend less time with the sweating and getting to a good story question.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Daniel

The book categories that grew and shrank in 2014

While it is true that we should not write for the market but for ourselves, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to know what readers want to see these days. If you’re in a hot-selling category, that could be reassuring. If not, it just means make your story the best it can be—books sell even in declining categories.

An article titled “The Hottest (and Coldest) Book Categories of 2014" reports that the self-help and graphic novels categories had the fastest print growth among adults. The juvenile segment performed much better overall than adult, and the winning category there was science fiction/fantasy/magic category.

It’s enlightening. check it out.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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© 2015 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Dai—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Wanted. . If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Download a free PDF copy here.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.

A First-page Checklist

• It begins connecting the reader with the protagonist
• Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
• What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
• What happens moves the story forward.
• What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
• The protagonist desires something.
• The protagonist does something.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?

Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.

---

Dai sends the first chapter of Goblin Realm, a science fiction story. As the first chapter is just a few lines long, we’ll carry on into chapter two for the rest of the “first” pate. The remainder of the second chapter is after the break.

Chapter 00 — Eyeballs

Topping a rise, they took their guide from a plume of light smoke, possibly a fire set by the ship's propulsion. They were well down the incline when…

"Hey! People there."

"I think they're women!"

"You hope!"

But didn't they all hope that?

A bit closer, and…

"They're Girl Scouts, for crying out loud. Girl Scouts!"

Chapter 01 — Indoctrination

Two days previous:

They kept track with a pencil on the jeep's fender, the point merely skidding on the walls of the spaceship's barren compartment.

Half asleep in the unchanging environment, they were roused by the BS screen, as they chose to call it, coming back into action—the view swooping down toward a small group standing in a sparsely-treed savannah. Women—voluptuous, scantily clad, almost identifiable.

The scene altered to show the horizon as the women looked over their shoulders. Over the peak of (snip)

I do enjoy Dai’s writing—colorful with a strong voice. And, though I would have liked more scene-setting, especially in the first “chapter,” there were enough story questions raised to keep me going. Things I’d look at working with, however, including changing the anonymous “they” to whoever it actually is. It’s hard to imagine an abstract “they.” How many is it? Two? Five? Forty?

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Dai