Submissions Wanted. . If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Download a free PDF copy here.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer. I use it on my own work.
A First-page Checklist
- It begins connecting the reader with the protagonist
- Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
- What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
- What happens moves the story forward.
- What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
- The protagonist desires something.
- The protagonist does something.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?
Caveat: a strong first-person voice with the right content can raise powerful story questions and create page turns without doing all of the above. A recent submission worked wonderfully well and didn't deal with five of the things in the checklist.
Stacie sends the first chapter of Royals Revolution. The rest of the chapter is after the break.
The dungeon door closed behind Lorelai. The room reeked of human filth and unclean bodies. That was a relief. Pain smelled like blood and fire.
Lorelai straightened her gown and pushed her hair over her shoulders. It was distracting to see a flash of red hair every time she turned her head, but she had to have some of it down because she was suppose to be a merchant’s daughter.
First the machines. They didn’t look like they’d been used in a while—a few days or even a few weeks. Hope flared. The blood on the floor was dried nearly to the same color of the stone. The hammers and spikes were quiet. It was too clean to have been used recently. Then again, of the queen’s torturers Kaiank was cleaner and the greater of the two to be feared.
Lorelai pivoted to face the prisoners. Their fingers were round and healthy and their limbs normal length. Kaiank favored the leg screw. She briefly glanced down. Their legs hung normally. Lorelai breathed out in slight victory.
Three prisoners were chained to the walls. Two shackled close to the entrance and one farther back of the room. The two closest kept their eyes averted. Their clothing, though they likely use to fit, hung loose. Each wore smudged shirts and faded trousers.
With all the machines in the room, the third prisoner’s dark hair was all that was visible at the other end of the room. Lorelai glanced away, so he wouldn’t know he was the reason she (snip)
Though the writing could be a little tighter, it’s good, and so is the voice. And the situation, which sparks questions of why is she there. There are small glitches in the rest of the chapter, but it’s a good opening chapter, IMO. Gets a page-turn from me. Notes:
The dungeon door closed behind Lorelai. The room reeked of human filth and unclean bodies. That was a relief. Pain smelled like blood and fire.
Lorelai straightened her gown and pushed her hair over her shoulders. It was distracting to see a flash of red hair every time she turned her head, but she had to have some of it down because she was suppose supposed to be a merchant’s daughter.
First, the machines. They didn’t look like they’d been used in a while—a few days or even a few weeks. Hope flared. The blood on the floor was dried nearly to the same color of the stone. The hammers and spikes were quiet. It was too clean to have been used recently. Then again, of the queen’s torturers Kaiank was cleaner and the greater of the two to be feared. I deleted the line about hammers and spikes being quiet because I didn’t have any idea of what it meant and the topic was cleanliness, which was also the subject of the following sentence. How can hammers and spikes not be quiet?
Lorelai pivoted to face faced the three prisoners chained to the walls. Their fingers were round and healthy and their limbs normal length. Kaiank favored the leg screw. She briefly glanced down. Their legs hung normally. Lorelai breathed out in slight victory. the first edit is for a bit of overwriting—no need to mention pivoting. the second is because a glance is already a brief thing, excess use of adverb. Moved the image of the prisoners here so the reader can "see" right away where they are.
Three prisoners were chained to the walls. Two of them were shackled close to the entrance and one farther back of the room. The two closest kept their eyes averted. Their clothing, though they likely use to once fit, hung loose. Each wore smudged shirts and faded trousers. I’m sure you meant “used to,” but I think “once” is a better choice.
With all the machines in the room, the The third prisoner’s dark hair was all that was visible at the other end of the room. Lorelai glanced away, so he wouldn’t know he was the reason she (snip) I don’t see how machines in the room would affect the visibility of his hair, or do you mean they blocked it? If so, say so. But it’s still overwriting. Just get to him, and soon. The end of the sentence that was cut off for length would have meant a stronger first page.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2015 Ray Rhamey, story © 2015 Stacie
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