Submissions Wanted. Nothing in the queue for Friday, . If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of this list before submitting to the Flogometer.
A First-page Checklist
- It begins connecting the reader with the protagonist
- Something is happening. On a first page, this does NOT include a character musing about whatever.
- What happens is dramatized in an immediate scene with action and description plus, if it works, dialogue.
- What happens moves the story forward.
- What happens has consequences for the protagonist.
- The protagonist desires something.
- The protagonist does something.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- What happens raises a story question—what happens next? or why did that happen?
Carolyn sends an opening piece and the first chapter of Dangerous. It looks to me like a YA detective story.
Intro/prologue (note: the strikeouts are the author's and I assume are intentional):
Top ten reasons why I despise hate don’t get along that well with my sister Cort:
10. She orders me around like a slave maid personal assistant.
9. When I don’t do what she says, she makes up some outrageous lie story about me and our parents end up giving me the big lecture on why I should do what Cortland says because after all, she is older and wiser and I should benefit from her experience. Hey, she’s only eighteen months older. Look, she does know some things I don’t know, like how to plaster on makeup and mascara and how to get all the cute guys in town. I even agreed with Mom on those two points, causing Cort to say, “If you just used a little makeup, you wouldn’t have those circles under your eyes and your lashes wouldn’t be invisible, like those tribes in Africa and South America we saw on National Geographic before they painted on their face masks.”
8. Her caustic comments are another reason why we don’t get along. Cort is always saying these kind of mean things about me and my parents don’t even notice, even if they’re in the same room, when she says them. Personally, I think she should ship the extra tons of foundation and mascara she has stashed in the bathroom to those tribes who paint their faces.
7. She is always on the phone in our bedroom when I’m trying to study or something, saying the stupidest things like: “Me, too. What a bummer…. I totally agree with what you (snip)
Chapter 1
Cort says she didn’t do it to be mean. She says she just freaked when she saw me jump into the river, and that she had to tell Mom and Dad. In case—well, just in case I was trying to hurt myself.
Of course, it never occurred to her that the hammer would fall on my head once she told that to my parents. When I accuse her of over-reacting, misreading, and possibly being paranoid, she just gives me a blank stare, even though she is totally taking Psych 1 in school.
Her excuse is that she’s looking out for my welfare.
Hello. Like she ever looks out for anyone’s welfare but her own, and I would never rat on her, but she did on me, and at dinner that night while my hair was still damp from diving into the river.
Mom cleared her throat and said in her very serious voice. “Now we know that you broke one of the rules around here, Cameo.”
Rules? I stare down at my squash and green beans. “Which rule?” There are so many of them it’s hard to remember.
“That well-bred girls do not jump into rivers or try to hurt themselves on purpose,” Mom says in a tone that reminds me I should never forget that rule, even if I don’t remember any of the others.
It’s always a pleasure to be treated to good, clean writing and a likeable voice. It’s always good to be treated to tension and story questions, too, but I didn’t find much of that here. I do believe there’s an interesting story waiting to be told, but that waits for chapter 2 or later—according to the set-up (the first 9 pages, through chapter 1) the protagonist thinks her sister’s boyfriend is a murderer. That’s all well and good, and raises the story question of whether or not he is and whether or not the sister is in any danger, but there’s nothing that puts the protagonist in jeopardy—her only trouble in the opening and first chapter is being scolded for jumping into the river. Look for a later place to start, the place where something happens to Cameo that is a) trouble for her and b) forces her to take action.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Carolyn