Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Elaine—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Needed. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Elaine sends a first chapter for In the Beginning Was the Word, an historical novel. The rest of the chapter is after the break.

The tramping of Roman boots, as their owners marched along cobbled streets, was eerily muffled by the overpowering sounds of wailing, crackling flames, and shouted orders. Jonathan, peering under a slab of broken wall, watched the boots go past, moving like disembodied spirit feet through the swirl of dust and smoke.

How did I get here? All he could remember were endless days of fighting amidst fires and bodies…hunger…sleep…wake up…fight.… His head hurt.

He sat up slowly, the pounding in his head increasing as he did so, but it settled down to a tolerable throb when he leaned back and felt the support of a smooth surface behind him. He started to take a deep breath, but the acrid smell of smoke clogged his throat, and he coughed it away. Slowly, he remembered. A section of Temple wall had broken and crashed onto the street.

My shield—my bow—where are they? A good bow…would it help me now? Must find out where I am…

He stretched his long legs, and his feet touched the piece of wall that had given way, its fall apparently stopped when it hit the street and tilted onto the wall behind him. Lifting his gaze, he saw chunks of stone filling in the gaps between the walls except for a small space at the upper right where a bit of light came in. There was also a small opening at the bottom of the front wall; that’s what he had looked through to see the marching soldiers.

The writing is solid and clean and, while Roman soldiers and what is clearly a war scene is good stuff, I’m afraid that overwriting stopped this reader—the promise of more micro description is something I didn’t want to see fulfilled. Notes and edits follow, and the rest of the chapter is after the break.

The tramping of Roman boots, as their owners marched marching along cobbled streets, was eerily muffled by the overpowering sounds of wailing, crackling flames, and shouted orders. Jonathan, peering under a slab of broken wall, watched the boots go past, moving like disembodied spirit feet through in the swirl of dust and smoke. This first paragraph, edited to be crisper, is a good opening. There's action, the scene is being set, and there's a promise of jeopardy for Jonathan.

How did I get here? All he could remember were endless days of fighting amidst fires and bodies…hunger…sleep…wake up…fight.… His head hurt.

He sat up slowly, the pounding in his head increased increasing as he did so, but it settled down to a tolerable throb when he leaned back against and felt the support of a smooth surface behind him. He started to take a deep breath, but the acrid smell of smoke clogged his throat, and he coughed it away. Slowly, he remembered. A section of Temple wall had broken and crashed onto the street. “felt the support” is a filter that backs the reader away from the character’s experience. Not necessary. Also, rather than a "smooth surface," why not something more specific such as "a wall"? I don’t see how a smell could clog a throat—smelling usually happens in the nose. I’m not sure “clog” is the right verb, either—neither a small nor smoke have the substance it would take to clog something. “Choked him” instead?

My shield—my bow—where are they? A good bow…would it help me now? Must find out where I am…

He stretched his long legs, and his feet touched the piece of wall that had given way, its fall apparently stopped when it hit the street and tilted onto the wall behind him. Lifting his gaze, he saw chunks of stone filling in the gaps between the walls except for a small space at the upper right where a bit of light came in. There was also a small opening at the bottom of the front wall; that’s what he had looked through to see the marching soldiers. All this micro detail description is overwriting with stuff that doesn’t impact the story. All that matters was that he could see under a broken slab of wall, and that was established in the first paragraph. Oh, describing his “long” legs is a small break in point of view—he wouldn’t be thinking about the length of his legs, and it doesn’t matter to the story.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Elaine

 

Flogometer for Erika—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Needed. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Erika sends a first chapter, not sure about the title. The rest of the chapter is after the break.

I hadn’t dressed for running and was losing ground fast. The shiny black dress shoes I wore burrowed into the dry sand with every step, my tuxedo jacket flapped open as I pumped my arms. The San Diego evening was cooler than you’d expect, brisk gusts of wind bouncing off the sea at sporadic intervals. A full moon blazed out of a cloudless, starry sky, washing the beach in cool shades of blue.

Waves sent salty spray into my face as I reached back to tear the jacket off my shoulders and fling it to the sand behind me. My quarry raced on ahead, lighter than me and almost dancing across the top of the sand. If I had to guess, I’d say I was chasing a woman, 5’ 1” max, with a body fat percentage that had to be in the low teens. She wore an all-black ensemble, complete with a matching ski mask and boots that kicked up little spits of sand with each stride.

Her speed was impressive; she widened the gap between us by almost two paces for each one I took. She ran like someone who knew where she was going, my guess was that she was headed toward the public parking lot a quarter mile ahead. I had to assume she’d prepared a contingency plan in that parking lot somewhere. Guns, explosives, sharp rocks, something painful of that nature. If I didn’t catch up with her before she reached her defense cache, I was guessing I wouldn’t like the welcome.

“Enough of this crap,” I said and stopped just long enough to kick off my dress shoes. A (snip)

Ah, a good strong action scene with clear writing and a good (though over-written at times) voice. The scene is well set, what’s happening is clear, and good story questions are raised: what did the quarry do, who/what is the person chasing her, and why.

The narrative could be crisper, though, and my belief is that you can’t waste the space it takes for verbiage that should be subjected to the delete key. Still, I turned the page, but would have done so more convinced that I was in good hands with some editing, which I’m sure Erika can do. Notes to that effect:

I hadn’t dressed for running and was losing ground fast. The My shiny black dress shoes I wore burrowed into the dry sand with every step, my tuxedo jacket flapped open as I pumped my arms. The San Diego evening was cooler than you’d expect, brisk gusts of wind bouncing off the sea at sporadic intervals. A full moon blazed out of a cloudless, starry sky, washing the beach in cool shades of blue.

Waves sent salty spray into my face as I reached back to tear tore the jacket off my shoulders and fling flung it to the sand behind me. My quarry raced on ahead, lighter than me and almost dancing across the top of the sand. If I had to guess, I’d say I guessed I was chasing a woman, 5’ 1” max, with a body fat percentage that had to be in the low teens. She wore an all-black ensemble, complete with a matching ski mask and boots that kicked up little spits of sand with each stride. I like “little spits of sand”—nice description, very visual, promises more good writing ahead.

Her speed was impressive; she widened the gap between us by almost two paces for each one I took. She ran like someone who knew where she was going, my guess was that she was headed toward the public parking lot a quarter mile ahead. I had to assume she’d prepared a contingency plan there in that parking lot somewhere. Guns, explosives, sharp rocks, something painful of that nature. If I didn’t catch up with her before she reached her defense cache, I was guessing I wouldn’t like the welcome. a lot of use of “guessing” and “guess” here. Look for alternatives (figured, etc.) or delete some, too much repetition

“Enough of this crap,” I said and stopped just long enough to kick off my dress shoes. A (snip) we already know they are dress shoes, no need to repeat

The rest of the chapter follows the break.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Erika

An interesting slant on backstory

I came across a cartoon that I think you’ll enjoy. It deals with flashbacks as a way to talk about what backstory can mean in terms of whether or not you can kill off a character in a story. Here’s a sample of a couple of frames:

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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© 2014 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Terry—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Needed—just one for next week in the queue. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Terry sends the first chapter of The Ramsay Drug. The rest of the chapter is after the break.

Istanbul, Turkey

Inspector Suleyman lied about the sniper.

"There is a pastry shop at the far end of the square." He put his finger on the map. "Above the shop are three small apartments. The shooter will be in the middle one."

Michael Chance took a sip of his thick, scalding coffee and made no comment. Instead, he leaned over the table and looked more closely at the map, although he had studied and memorized a more detailed one of the area, as well as architectural drawings and engineering plans for all the buildings on the square. He knew where the sniper would be.

Now, he felt Suleyman’s stare and forced his thoughts away from the sniper and the Inspector's deception. Chance looked up and asked, "Do you think Ataly will show up?"

"Why not?"

"Paranoia. He has a reputation."

"A reputation?" Suleyman waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. "Greed will overcome any fear. He can't trust anyone else with the information. He will be there."

"I hope."

"You should be more concerned about Khadr. For all we know, he is still hiding in Pakistan."

"He arrived in Istanbul last night."

Good clean writing, scene-setting, and a hint of tension in the first line. But, for me, the tension soon faded and not much of a story question appeared. So no page turn for me. However, as you’ll see if you read on, there’s plenty of good action and tension to come. This is an example of set-up that isn’t needed that buries a good hook. While this opening goes to character, it doesn’t really do much to engage me in a story. So I lifted 17 lines from what follows that I think would make a better opening—a poll follows.

Chance took an indirect route from his hotel to the square, the believable ramble of a tourist.

Occasionally, he checked his reflection in a store window. He looked like any of the scores of American academics in Istanbul for the conference. His clothes fit in, no problem there, but it was the bag slung over his shoulder, not his appearance, that he studied. A beat-up leather satchel, like a dozen similar ones at the conference. It was supposed to look and move like a bag crammed with books and papers, not like a mini-armory crammed, as it was, with a SigSauer, two spare magazines, night goggles and a Fairbairn-Sykes knife.

The bag would not be a problem. No one was following him.

He stopped when he reached the square and watched the mid-afternoon shadows falling across the cafe's terrace. Then he looked to the far end of the square and saw the pastry shop and saw it raked with brilliant sunshine. What competent sniper would face into the sun while picking out a target?

Big mistake.

Chance turned his attention to the people on the terrace, mostly locals, but a few tourists enjoying the modest adventure of an out-of-the-way Turkish cafe. All unaware that they would be caught up in the executions of a drug lord and a terrorist. He worked out the deadly geometry (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Terry

 

Flogometer for Karyne—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Needed—just one for next week in the queue. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Karyne sends the first chapter of Magic Despised. The rest of the chapter is after the break.

It always started with a spell. Something simple, like a cup of ale. But her power had its limits. Every time they asked for magic, Julana knew how it would end.

“Be a dear and fetch us some stew,” Luna said.

Julana paused, arms raised to remove her apron. The blue sky teased her from the tiny window. So much for a free afternoon. It wasn't worth refusing them. When she was fourteen they killed her pet goat because she rebelled. It would take longer than three years to get over that lesson. Luna shifted on the wooden settee covered with straw pillows and narrowed her eyes. Did the pillows really aid Luna’s comfort or was her large backside cushion enough?

“Yes, Aunt Luna,” Julana said. She tied her apron back in place and made her way across the main living area to the kitchen. Luna wasn't really her aunt, but in order to keep up the facade the Klups insisted Julana practice at home.

“And Julana…” Alazer’s deep voice stopped her in her tracks. She didn’t turn to face him; she knew what he would say. “Be sure you use magic. There’s no reason for you to make us wait all night.”

Julana’s stomach dropped. “Yes, sir.” It was a test. Why did they always test her limits? They had just as much magic as she did. That never changed. And unlike her, they enjoyed using it.

I do like the writing and the voice, and there is tension in the scene. Yet there’s not much in the way of story questions raised, nor a sense of jeopardy to her or consequences. The next page has a greater sense of that and, considering that in fantasy an author is often granted time to set up the world, it might have done the trick. Here’s the stuff that would be nice to see on the first page:

The stew was easy enough. She drew energy from her blood to summon water from the well. The sight of water soaring through the air made her grimace. If anyone happened to see, they would all be hanged for witchcraft.

There is a clarity issue here, though—I thought the well was outside, and it may be, so I thought this was happening there. But a little later she goes outside, so the water is coming into the kitchen from outside. That isn’t clear, and needs to be. Having it soar through the kitchen window rather than the air is all it would take.

The voice and the world are good, but, since this opening could be stronger, I’m giving it an almost. But read on, there are interesting things to come and clear and serious danger to her ahead—and you’re going to despise the “aunt” and “uncle,” bad guys through and through. Notes:

It always started with a spell. Something simple, like a cup of ale. But her power had its limits. Every time they asked for magic, Julana knew how it would end. But the reader doesn’t, so this doesn’t mean much. This is an opportunity to introduce tension and jeopardy. For example, what it this sentence ended this way: Julana knew how it would end—with her blood. Wouldn’t that crank up the tension a little?

“Be a dear and fetch us some stew,” Luna said.

Julana paused, arms raised to remove her apron. The blue sky teased her from the tiny window. So much for a free afternoon. It wasn't worth refusing them. When she was fourteen they had killed her pet goat because she rebelled. It would take longer than three years to get over that lesson. Luna shifted on the wooden settee covered with straw pillows and narrowed her eyes. Did the pillows really aid Luna’s comfort or was her large backside cushion enough? A few things here. I didn’t feel that her wearing an apron contributed sufficiently to story or character. “It wasn’t worth refusing them” sounds like she’s being inconvenienced, but the following line suggests far more. Instead, how about something to the effect that it was dangerous to refuse them? I cut the description of Luna because I’d rather have a little more setting of the scene. Are they in a one-room hut? Farmhouse?

“Yes, Aunt Luna,” Julana said. She tied her apron back in place and made her way across the main living area to the kitchen. Luna wasn't really her aunt, but in order to keep up the facade the Klups insisted Julana practice at home. Don’t need the apron.

“And Julana…” Alazer’s deep voice stopped her in her tracks. She didn’t turn to face him; she knew what he would say. “Be sure you use magic. There’s no reason for you to make us wait all night.” “stopped her in her tracks” is a cliché, look for a fresh way to show it.

Julana’s stomach dropped. “Yes, sir.” It was a test. Why did they always test her limits? They had just as much magic as she did. That never changed. And unlike her, they enjoyed using it.

 

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Karyne

 

Words that mean something totally different when you're a writer

Found a link to and a sample of "29 Words that Mean Something Totally Different When You're a Writer" on agent Janet Reid's blog. Lots of fun--go here.

A sample:

23. “Editing.”

 

Thinkstock

What it means: The process of correcting and modifying a manuscript with the intention of improving it.
What it means when you’re a writer: Crying into your keyboard because everything is shit.

Ray

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© 2014 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Carol—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Needed. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Carol sends a first chapter (title unknown). The rest of the chapter is after the break.

The waves drove her under. The roiling water tumbled her. Her hands tore at it, but the green liquid was endless. Salt strangled her throat. Her lungs burned, screaming for air. Her brain began to float inside her skull, as her body floundered in the watery tomb. Something yanked her limp arm.

“JO!”

Jo’s eyes popped open. Her body lurched forward and her hands flew up. The seat belt locked. Bright blue and green flooded her vision. It took a few seconds to remember where she was.

The girl beside her was giggling, jostling, trying to keep the car steady on the road. “I’m sorry, Jo,” she apologized through her laughter. “I couldn’t help myself.”

Jo could feel the skin on her cheeks and temples burning. She gathered her hair up in a finger ponytail behind her head, pretending that was the reason she had raised her hands. “I must’ve dozed off for a second.”

“A second? You were snoring! Were you having that dream again?”

“No,” she lied. She let her hair go. “Guess I stayed up too late last night.” She didn’t tell her friend why.

“So, let’s see…where were we? Oh yah, about Galen…” Mischief glinted in the corner of (snip)

So we open with the dreaded dream sequence—for some, that is. I don’t have a problem with that (I’ve done it) as long as it’s short (this is) and it immediately relates in some way to what’s happening (this doesn’t). So, as it is, it’s four lines that ultimately fail in the task of helping to get the reader to turn the page. The writing and voice are good, the style is relaxed—maybe too relaxed. The “finger ponytail” line doesn’t actually contribute. More than that, there are no real story questions raised here. Two presumably young women are about to dish about a guy. How compelling is that? For this reader, not.

The rest of the chapter works to lay out back story and to build a sense of dread in Jo about the coming weekend, but her dread isn't founded on anything that has actually happened, just on looks and how she thinks about what she sees. I think this story starts too soon. Get her to the cabin and have something happen that promises trouble. In other words, get to where the story begins, not to where the set-up begins. Am I wrong? See what you think. Notes:

The waves drove her under. The roiling water tumbled her. Her hands tore at it, but the green liquid was endless. Salt strangled her throat. Her lungs burned, screaming for air. Her brain began to float inside her skull, as her body floundered in the watery tomb. Something yanked her limp arm.

“JO!”

Jo’s eyes popped open. Her body She lurched forward and her hands flew up. The seat belt locked. Bright blue and green flooded her vision. It took a few seconds to remember where she was. I’m not in favor of having bodies or body parts do things when it’s the person who does them.

The girl beside her was giggling Dove giggled, jostling, trying swerving to keep the car steady on the road. “I’m sorry, Jo,” she apologized through her laughter. “I couldn’t help myself.” POV slip—“the girl” is her friend and she wouldn’t think of her as “the girl.” This is the author’s POV, which takes us a step away from the character’s. Same reason I changed "trying" to "swerving"--one implies intent, the other is an action.

Jo could feel the skin on her cheeks and temples burning. She gathered her hair up in a finger ponytail behind her head, pretending that was the reason she had raised her hands. “I must’ve dozed off for a second.”  While a natural-enough reaction, this action beat really isn’t necessary, doesn’t advance story, and takes up two of the first-page lines you have to hook the reader.

“A second? You were snoring! Were you having that dream again?”

“No,” she lied. She let her hair go. “Guess I stayed up too late last night.” She didn’t tell her friend why. She didn’t let the reader know why either, which is a bit of a cheat. As it is, this line has little meaning, so why include it?

“So, let’s see…where were we? Oh yah, about Galen…” Mischief glinted in the corner of (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Carol

Win a vampire kitty-cat

Emily has a blog called Kitty Cat Chronicles, and when she came across The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles, she contacted me for an ebook to review. I sent her one, and her review is here.

More than that, she’s running a drawing to give away a free ebook copy. So I hope you’ll visit her blog and enter to win.

Here’s an excerpt from her review:

“The book jumps right into the action from the get-go, which I appreciated. The story starts with Patch, the cat narrator, being turned into a vampire, who then goes on to share all the adventures and troubles he runs into as he tries to adjust to his new lifestyle. He makes several friends (and enemies) throughout his journey, including his new "associate" Amy, a freshly turned "vee" who has an ambitious streak. The cast of characters includes a seven-foot tall vampire with a flair for the dramatic, a pair of opportunistic vampire lawyer twins, an extremely wealthy and corrupt human mob-boss, an extremist preacher turned vampire, and a weasely journalist who is out to catch the newest "it" story. These characters will have you laughing, groaning, and rolling your eyes for sure. They keep you on your toes too!”

Emily had some Photoshop fun turning her own cats into vampires, too. Her review catches the spirit of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles--it's for fun!

Ray

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© 2014 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Mike—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions Needed. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Mike sends the first chapter for Dog Island . The rest of the chapter is after the break.

According to the United States Geological Survey, the event on the first day of February, 1995, lasted two minutes and twenty-seven seconds. The epicenter was listed as Latitude 30-25’23” N, Longitude 088-33’07” W. That put it twelve miles out from the gulf coast of Mississippi. It was just west of Horn Island in the chain of barrier islands that separated the waters of the Mississippi Sound from the Gulf of Mexico proper.

They called it an unclassified seismic anomaly. People on the gulf coast just called it the earthquake. Some believed it was a prelude to the terror that followed soon after.

As preludes go, it’s hard to beat an earthquake, but there were others who would tell you candidly that the real prelude was two years earlier. The day Manny showed up.

#

The park was scheduled to die in the morning. It would be a lingering death; there were four acres to kill.

By the end of the week, probably. Tristan Graaf stood eating frozen yogurt from a Styrofoam cup as he regarded the hulking, yellow executioners. Smelling of machine oil and diesel fuel, they were lined up like a squad of sentries, as if given an opportunity the prisoner could somehow flee.

With his almost-not-limping gate, he headed south on the well manicured St. Augustine (snip)

Hmm. The writing is clear and clean (well, maybe a little tidying of punctuation). And, even though the opening segment is not the kind of scene that I prefer, it did give a sense of reality to the story to come, and that’s good. And it ended with a good hook—there is terror to come, and Manny has something to do with it. So I eagerly kept reading.

But then we don’t, it appears, continue with the story of terror and Manny. We go to Tristan eating yogurt as he contemplates what I guess are bulldozers (it wouldn’t hurt to be more specific in some way so we can visualize what he’s seeing, even if it’s a detail such as “their blades lowered and ready to scrape . . . etc.”). While the “death” of a park is unfortunate, it doesn’t seem like a terror, and where’s Manny? The tension sags and flickers out in the second half of the page—no drama in yogurt consumption and contemplation. This got an almost from me—the opening segment was a yes, the second part a no, so it didn’t really have the strength to compel a page turn.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Mike

Magnificently awful opening lines you’ve gotta see

The results of the 2014 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for creating the worst opening sentences possible for various categories of novels is here. You owe it to yourself to go for a fun read.

Here’s an example that I particularly liked, and it’s not even a winner (you see runners-up, too):

Hard-boiled private eye Smith Calloway had a sinking feeling as he walked into the chaotic crime scene, for there, as expected, was the body dressed in a monk’s habit; there was the stuffed cream-colored pony next to the crisp apple strudel; there was the doorbell, the set of sleigh bells, and even the schnitzel with noodles – all proclaiming that the Von Trappist Killer had struck again.

Seriously, you students of fiction writing, take a moment for some excellent writing, as awful as it is.

Ray

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© 2014 Ray Rhamey